Dawson's Girlfriend - By Cat

 

Okay, so I had to see it coming. I keep falling in love. With everyone. So I fell in love with her. Well I didn’t fall in love with her because I fall for every female a mile radius. I fell in love with her because whenever I need her, she’s there. Because she’s the best friend I ever had. Because she will never let me down. Because whenever she smiles my whole world lights up. Because whenever I’m with her my stomach turns upside down. That’s why I fell in love with her. For all these reasons and so much more.

But she’s with someone. Someone who kisses her every day. Someone who she smiles to. Someone who she thinks about. And tragically, because it is a tragedy, that someone isn’t me. The irony of it all is who that someone is. He’s not the most popular in school but apparently, he’s the sweetest. He’s the most wonderful, considerate, amazing, and blah, blah, blah. He’s the boy next door. Yes you guessed it. Dawson. The guy who lost the girl last year in a loud cold battle. The guy who wins the cold silent battle today.

The girl from last year is out of my life. I wonder if I ever really loved her. I don’t know anymore, I’m confused. I don’t really care. All I want is the other girl. Jen. She’s so everything to me. She has been my best friend for two years. She supported me when I was going after Joey. She gave me many advice. She helped me when things were going bad between Joey and me. And then she hooked up with Dawson. I thought she was over him. I thought that they were only friedns and they would always remain that way. I was wrong.

She doesn’t know how I feel. Dawson doesn’t know how I feel either. No one knows how I feel.

Only I know…


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


"Hey Pacey!"

I step back to let Jen in. She usually comes to see me once a week. She didn’t come last week. She was doing a project for school with Dawson. I look at her as she walks in. She walks slowly her hips moving in a wonderful seductive way. Her hair is curly today and looks so soft. I yearn to touch it, but I restrain myself. I have to. She’s wearing a tight red shirt that shows her small waist. Her short skirt shows off her slim legs and I can’t help but gaze at them. Her white skin seems so soft. I wish I could touch her. She turns around and smiles at me. That smiles. I love that smile. I live for that smile.

"So what do you want to do today? We could go to the mall. We could go to the movies or if you don’t feel like going out we could always rent some. So?"

"Um…let’s rent a movie. Do you have a date with Dawson tonight?"

Please say no. Please say no. Please.

"No. He has to help his mom at the restaurant. I’m all yours tonight." She answers, her smile widening.

All mine. All mine. All mine. I can’t help but keep saying these words in my head over and over. I wish she was all mine. I wish she was so bad. But it’s not possible. She’s in love. With Dawson. I smile at her. It’s as easy to smile at her as it is hard. I love her. I like to smile at her. But my heart is broken. Seeing her reminds me of how I cannot have her the way I want. So it’s hard to smile.

"Pacey?"

"Huh?" I answer startled. I was completely out of it.

"You keep staring at me oddly. What’s up with you today? Anyway, we have to go to the video store and rent a movie. And we could stop at Molly’s Market and buy some popcorn. What do you think?"

"Sure."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


45 minutes later we were back at my place. We rented Frequency. I heard it was good. Jen puts the popcorn in the microwave as I put the video in the VCR.

"Don’t forget to take blankets!" Jen yells from the kitchen. Jen loves to cover herself with a blanket when she watches a movie. It’s fun. We sat on the couch covering ourselves with the blanket. We have to sit close so there’s enough blanket for the both of us. Usually, I can even smell her. When she wasn’t dating Dawson, we cuddled. I cherish those memories. Now we just sit there, under the same blanket. But it’s already a lot. She’s not my girlfriend. I can’t ask for more. Sometimes I think that if I didn’t go after Joey and paid more attention to Jen, maybe we could have…thinking about the ‘what if’s won’t change anything.

I got to my room and get a blanket from my closet. When I come back, Jen is settling herself on the couch, a big bowl full of popcorn in her hands. She smiles up at me. That magical smile. I smile back and sit down next to her. I put the blanket on our laps. I can feel her eyes on me as I settled down. She hand me the bowl of popcorn and takes the remote. She starts the movie.

The movie was good. But I didn’t pay much attention. Jen was a lot more interesting. She fell asleep in the middle of the movie. On my lap. We haven’t touch so much since she started dating Dawson. She’s so beautiful when she’s sleeping. All her guards are down. She looks so peaceful. I am so lost. I’m lost in her.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

It’s been three weeks since we watched the movie. We haven’t spoken since. Jen had been embarrassed about falling asleep on my lap. Now she won’t even look at me. My heart is tortured. It has a long a slow death. Day after day, it’s dying a little more. I feel like the hopeless hero of a romance novel. Except that I’m not built or brave like them. I’m just some pathetic hopeless guy who fell in love with the wrong girl. Twice. I don’t believe in love forever. I don’t know if I’ll love Jen for the rest of my life, but what I do know is that I’ll love her for a very long time.

I walked past her today. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even acknowledged my presence. It’s like I don’t even exist. And that hurts. It hurts so bad. What is so bad about falling on my lap? Am I that repulsive/ Maybe it’s Dawson. Maybe she told Dawson about the incident and he told her not to see me anymore. He must have felt threatened by me. I could understand that – kinda. Dawson never really forgave me about my fling with Joey. It makes sense. He stopped talking to me too. That damn bastard! I’m not going to steal his girlfriend. I will never confess my feelings to her. I don’t want to put her in a sort of emotional roller coaster like Joey was last year. I love her too much.

The ring of the phone put me out of my depressed thoughts. I walk slowly to the phone. "Hello?" No one says anything. I can only hear sobs. "Hello? Who is it? What’s wrong?"

"It’s Dawson." Dawson answered, still crying.

"What’s wrong?" What could be so wrong that gave Dawson the willpower to call me?

"It’s Jen. She had an accident. She…" He stops to let out another sob.

I get annoyed and ask Dawson angrily, "Dawson, what the hell is going on?"

"She died, Pacey. Jen died."

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The funerals were a nightmare. Her parents acted like they had lost the most precious thing in their lives while Mrs. Ryan refused to speak to anyone. It was the first time I ever saw Mrs. Ryan being rude. Everybody felt sorry fro Jack because he lost his best friend and for Dawson because he lost his girlfriend. Andie and Joey were comforting each other. I was left alone. To all of them, I was merely a friend. They didn’t know. I never hung out with Jen at school. Seeing her with Dawson was too painful. Not that any of this really matters. Jen is gone and my heart is dead. It will never live again.

The burial was even worse than the funerals. I had to play it cool. No one could know how I feel. I’ll bury this secret in toomb. I wonder what secrets Jen buried in hers… Well the burial wasn’t ever near what she deserved. It was lame. A nice little speech, a few sobs, burial of the body, and that was it. No one realized that they were burying a goddess. Someone who was much superior to them and to me. I loved, still love, her beyond reason. She was the love of my life.


I look at the stone. Again, it doesn’t represent how great she was. I hear someone walking toward me, but I don’t turn around. My eyes are sealed to the stone.

"I am going to miss her." It’s Dawson. I have to make sure he doesn’t know how I feel. He goes on. "She wasn’t my girlfriend anymore." My eyes widen. I didn’t expect that. I didn’t know about it. "She broke up with me. About a month ago. She said that we were drifting apart. But we weren’t really drifting apart." I look at him. Tears are falling and I can see the pain on his face. Maybe I am not the only one who realizes how wonderful Jen was. Dawson looks at me. He wants me to say something, but I don’t know what to say. I want to know why they broke up. I know it sounds futile at this point, but still, I want to know. I think he feels it and continues. "I didn’t see it coming. I should have known. I should have observed more carefully. But I’m the naïve guy and it seems that I keep making the same mistake over and over again. What is it about me that drives my girlfriends to you?" I hold my breath. Was he saying what I think he was? "She loved you so much. She never told me, but I knew. When she broke up with me, I tried to find the real reason of the break up for days." He stops and breathes deeply. "One day, during science class, I was watching her. And I saw. I saw that little sparkle in her eye. That sparkle she used to have when she looked at me. The sparkle that says that she’s in love. She was looking at you. I watched her closely the next days. She was devouring you with her eyes. All the time. And you were so oblivious that it made me want to scream. I knew you were in love with her. I’m dumb but not that dumb. I thought of telling you, but changed my mind. I told myself that you guys had plenty to tell each other how you felt."

The realization of what I had just lost suddenly hits me. Jen was in love with me. And I was in love with her. And she didn’t know. She died not knowing how I feel. She died not knowing that I returned her feelings. She died not knowing that she was the love of my life. I kneel down on the ground and cry. I cry for Dawson, I cry for me, and I cry for her. I cry for all this misunderstandings that cost our happiness.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I wake up, startled. Was it? I take my watch and look at the date. It was. It was all just a dream. Jen wasn’t dead. She was alive. And it was only yesterday that she fell asleep on my lap. I have never been so happy in my life. The dream seems so real though. My face falls. Jen is still going out with Dawson though. Oh who cares? She’s alive. My Jen is alive! I jump up and down. Literally. I can’t wait to see her. I get in the shower and I think I take the fastest shower in the world. I dress, take the truck keys and I drive to Jen;s house. When I get there, I don’t even knock on the door. Grams looks at me surprised. "Well young man. You are a lot early than your usual morning hour. Especially for a Sunday. Would you like some breakfast?"

I shake my head vivdly. Like I care about food! "Is Jen here?"

"Yes, she’s sleeping." I head for the stairs. "Don’t go now Pacey. You know how grumpy she is before noon." I ignore her comment. "At least bring her some coffee…forget it…" I hear Grams say downstairs. She feels that nothing will stop me from seeing Jen right now. I walk in her room, again without knocking. I go straight to the bed and hug her. Jen wake up, startled.

"Pacey?! What the hell is wrong with you?"

She’s mad. It’s cliché to say this, but she is so beautiful when she’s mad. On an impulse, I kiss her. Not a friendly kiss. But a real kiss. Jen in her stupefaction open her mouth a bit which allows me to enter my tongue in her mouth. While I kiss her, my hands travel all over her body. I just can’t get enough of her. She begins to kiss me back, but soon she pushes me back, ending the kiss.

"Pacey, what are you doing?" She asks angrily.

I look at her. I can’t believe I thought lost her. "Oh Jen, I thought I lost you."

Jen looks at me confused. "What?"

"I had this horrible dream. You weren’t talking to me anymore. And I was wondering why. Then Dawson called me and told me that you died. I was devastated. I can’t live without you Jen, I can’t." Tears are now running down my cheeks. Vivid memories of the dream come back. It seemed so real. Jen puts her amrs around me. I lay my head on her shoulder and cry. Like I’ve never cried before.

"Shhh…it was just a bad dream Pace. Don’t worry. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you." She shushed him.

"You’re not with me. You’re with Dawson."

Jen doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. I wonder what she’s thinking about. Everything seems so weird this morning.

"Are you in love with me Pacey? Sometimes, I feel like you are and other times I’m totally clueless. I have no idea how you feel about me."

I lay down the bad and drag Jen with me. She takes the blanket and covers us with it. I look down at her. My sweet little Jen. I don’t care if she’s with Dawson or not. As long as she’s alive, everything is perfect. She looks up at me, expecting an answer from me. An aswer I don’t want to give. "Does it really matter Jen?"

"It does for me." She says gravely.

"The circumstances tell me that it doesn’t matter to you that much." We both know what I mean by circumstances. Dawson is the circumstances.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I left Jen’s house soon after. Now, I am in the living room, watching E.T. happily. I think today is the best day of my life. It couldn’t be any better. Jen is alive. She’s alive and well. I have to repeat this in my head over and over to believe it. A knock on the door tears me away from my happy thoughts. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I want to be alone for a while. I open the door. It’s Jen. Well maybe I don’t want to be that alone anymore. I let her in and she goes to the living room. "Watching E.T.? I thought you were tired of that movie."

"I’m in a good mood today."

She nods. The room falls into an awkward silence. It’s the first time in ages that anything has ever been awkward between Jen and me.

"Pacey you’re an awesome friend. I love you but not in the way you want me too."

I nod. "It’s okay Jen. You don’t have to. Just treat me like you always have been. I promise you won’t even notice that I feel that way about you. And my feelings will go away." I think I am trying to convince myself more than her. "Let’s go walk along the beach."

Jen always wanted to go to the beach. It was one of her favorite things to do. She loved the feeling of the wind on her face. She said that it made her feel free. I just loved walking with her.

But this time she refuses. She tells me that she has something to do. I try to hide how hurt I am. Maybe I shouldn’t have laid down my feelings like that. I don’t want her to withdraw from me. I want her to be close to me. All the time.

She leaves with a small goodbye.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

That night in Capeside’s Graveyard

I couldn’t help it. I had to come here. The Graveyard. My dream had been so real. I love Jen. I love her beyond words. She’s alive. I should be happy that she is. I am happy but I’m sad. In my dream, Jen loved me back. In my life, Jen loves Dawson, not me. I want to be with her so much that I ache physically. That’s why I came here. I wanted to relive my dream so I can be happy about how my life is right now. It’s not working. I know I’ll never be completely satisfied until she loves me back. And I feel that she never will. Unrequited love sucks.

I hear some footsteps behind me. For a minute, I’m back in my dream; Jen is dead and Dawson is coming towards me.

It’s not Dawson.

It’s Jen.

I turn around and look at her. Tears are in my eyes. My Jen. My beautiful Jen. How I love her. She smiles at me and titls her head on the side in the cutest way I’ve ever seen. "Come here." She murmurs and motion me to approach her. I do as she asks. When I’m close enough, she grabs the back of my head and kisses me deeply. "I love you." She whispers between kisses. I smile. Was it true? Did she really love me?

"Do you really love me?

"Yes."

We kiss again.

I suddenly pull back. "What about Dawson?"

"I just broke up with him."

"Did you tell him why?" I ask hesitantly.

"Yes."

"Ouch. He must have took it pretty bad." I say. I feel bad for Dawson. It seems that he’s the one who’s always suffering the most.

Jen sighed. "Well he’s sad but at least he’s not really mad at either of us."

"He’s not?" I ask surprised.

"He’s glad you told him before anything happened between us."

I look down at Jen. She’s so beautiful. I could spend hours looking at her. "Jen promise me you’ll always be mine."

She kisses me tenderly. "I promise."

Jen is mine now, not Dawson’s – mine.

 

The End

 

 

 

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