Letters To Capeside

September 12, 2007

She stood on the cliff, looking down at the ocean waves crashing below. Here, she always felt like she was standing on the edge of the world. The wind whistled through her hair, causing the curls to move around her head in a wild dance. Turning her face upwards toward the sky, she allowed the sun the pleasure of warming her face and kissing her shoulders briefly with radiant light before it left behind another cloud. Here, the sky was a continual mystery. It shifted and became shaded at a moments notice, but when the sun did show its face, the light glorified the land and made it come alive. Often, she felt like the sun and its mysterious ways. She too, shifted her emotions and expressions whenever it suited her best. There was only one who saw through every act, every farce. Pausing, she glanced back down at the waves, tightening her shawl around her shoulders when the sun faded again and the wind began to pick up. There was rain coming. She could smell it in the air, feel the vibrations in the atmosphere. It was time to start heading back. But, for some reason, she couldn't leave just yet. She hadn't finished her ritual.

Jen glanced at the letter in her hand, seeing the return address another time. Without fail, he wrote her. Even though they were worlds apart, he continued to try to fit her into his world, his time, his place. She just refused to conform. Previously, she had tried, but it hadn't worked. So, she left, leaving behind her friends and estranged family. There were times when she had no idea how she could continue to conceal her loneliness. But, she couldn't go back. She contemplated rereading the letter, but she knew by heart

what the letter contained. It seemed that he didn't know suffering, but Jen knew that he was as unhappy as she was. He was just able to continue hiding it from the rest of the world.

Jen glanced once more at the letter, thinking back, remembering the past. Then, with finality, she threw the letter over the cliff, watching it catch in the wind and begin to dance. There, in the air, it flirted with life, then began to sink lower and lower into the ocean, where it would eventually drown from the weight of the water below. She closed her eyes in brief remorse for the death of another link to the past, then turned and walked away.

Gasping loudly, she peered into the mist, searching for the figure she had seen only a moment before. But, there was nothing there. Her eyes must have been deceiving her. She was, still, alone. It was an emotion she was growing accustomed to.

November 5, 2007

Dear Jen -

I'm not sure why I continue to write, especially when there is no response, but it is just something that I have to do. Every couple of weeks, I feel pulled to my desk. I sit down, staring at a sheet of paper and begin to write. I don't even know if you read these letters, but somewhere, deep in my heart, I know that you are out there, somewhere, and you read the words that I have written to you. Sometimes, in the dark of the night, I imagine that these letters are a lifeline for you. A glimmer of your past, a shred of the life

you once had, a reminder of the friends waiting for you back home. Maybe it's a false hope, but it's one that I will always have.

Many things come to me in the dark of the night. I lie in my bed, alone again. She finally decided to leave me. I had discovered her affair last year, and we tried to work it out, but in the end, it just drove a huge wedge between us. We were never really the same, even before high school graduation, but I kept trying. It didn't work out. No small wonder there.

But, you probably don't want to read about my unhappiness and loneliness. I'm sure that you want to hear about how wonderful my life is, and the lives of our other friends. Sorry, Jen. I can't seem to do that today. For some reason, I can't write those words. These are the only words that are coming out of me. For once, I'm dropping the act that I've withheld for so many years.

I wish I could join you, at least for a couple of days. But, I don't even know where you are. I have no current address, just this old, ancient address you pressed into my hand that day you left, saying that whatever I wrote to you, you would get, eventually at that place. So, I continue to write, even though I haven't heard back, nor am I planning on it. I apologize for the depressing nature of this particular letter, but we have never had to hide anything from each other in the past, why should I start now? You have always been able to see through me before anyway. I could never fool you. You were the most

intelligent and intuitive friend that I have ever had, or ever hope to have again.

Remember, Jen, that I'm here for you, even in spirit. If you ever need me, I'll be around. You know where to find me.

Your friend always,

Pacey

***

Jen folded up the letter and smiled. She had received the message from Pacey just this afternoon. Whenever she got mail, it always brought a smile to her face, however brief it may be. But, a letter from Pacey was different. His letters were something that she treasured and read over and over again, until she had memorized each word, each phrase, each promise. Even though they haven't seen each other in over six years, they were still able to continue communicating, even though Jen had stopped writing him a

couple of years ago. It was amazing and a true test to the strong nature of their friendship.

Jen walked back into her little cottage on the river and looked around in mild contentment. This was her home now. It was small, but it adequately suited her needs. Although Jen had finally received her inheritance from her parent's death, she still felt the need to make her own money, to live off her own earnings. She was extremely wealthy in monetary currency, but, in so many other ways, she was poor. She turned toward her desk, and sat down, deciding that she might as well try to get a few hours work in before the afternoon, when she would take her walk along the cliffs. She unfolded her laptop, one of the few modern technological advancements in her home, and began to type. However, instead of starting the next chapter of the book she was writing, she began to address a letter. A letter to Capeside.

November 29,2007

Dear Pacey,

As I'm sitting in my home, listening to the crackling fire and hearing the wind and rain outside my window, I'm imagining the look of surprise on your face. You must be thinking that, finally, after all those letters you wrote, there is a response. Honestly, though, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe because your latest letter evoked feelings in me that I had long considered dead. Feelings that I had buried, wanting never to see or feel them again. Yet, I am. And that is something that I can no longer

ignore.

Day after day, whenever I take my afternoon walks, I remember the day that I left Capeside. You and Jack were the only ones that waited with me at the train station. Do you know that I didn't have a destination in mind when I left? I just knew that I needed to go, to get away from the horror and the lies and the deception of my life. You and Jack were the only bright spots in my life, especially after Grams passed away. And you were the only one that stood by me when everyone else turned away. Did I ever thank you for that? Probably not. Maybe this letter is a thank-you.

I'm sorry that Joey left you. I can't say that I didn't see it coming, but I am truly sorry. You deserve every happiness in the world, and if her leaving causes you pain, then I'm sorry. Perhaps I'm writing this letter as a reminder to you that you are not alone in this world. There are, and always will be, people who care about you.

Enclosed is my current address and residency. I have been here for the past several years. You can continue to write me at this address, so you no longer have to write to the bookshop in Paris. They always were so slow getting those letters to me anyway. It's entirely possible that I'm sitting here, responding to your letters because I don't want to feel so alone in the world.

You know what? I'm writing because you are my friend and I love you. I always have and I always will. If you need me, you know where to find me.

Your friend forever,

Jen

***

December 20, 2007

Dear Jen -

You have no idea how surprised I was when I went to my mailbox and saw the letter with your handwriting on it. Even now, I smile at the happiness that your letter gave me. To put it simply, I glowed from the inside out.

Joey and I are in the final proceedings for the divorce. I don't know how she managed to get everything done so quickly, but she did. She even moved all of her stuff out of our house, minutes after I had been given the summons. Betrayal - that's the only emotion that I feel whenever I look at her. She betrayed me and my love for her. Worst of all, she betrayed me with another man. I will never be able to get over that hurt.

I look around my house - I call it mine because all traces of Joey have been obliterated. I once contemplated moving away from Capeside - maybe head off to the big city and start a new life, but then I realize something. I would be doing the exact same thing that Joey did to me. I would be betraying myself. No matter how many different ways I look at it, I belong here. Alone, in Capeside.

Christmas is five days away. For the first time in almost a decade, I will be spending the holidays alone. My parents invited me over for dinner, but I realize that it's only an obligatory invitation. At least, they offered. I declined, stating that I already had plans, even though I don't. They looked relieved, however. I wouldn't want to spoil their holidays by being the black sheep once again. So, I will spend the holidays, here, staring at the blank walls.

You know, enough of this garbage. For the first time in almost three years, you wrote me back. I kept hoping it would happen, and then, when I needed it the most, it did. Thank you, my friend. But, truly, we have to stop meeting like this. Enough depression, already. Let's play the "getting to know each other again" game. You ready.

Good. Because, you're first.

Ready and waiting in Capeside,

Pacey

***

January 29, 2008

Dear Pacey,

Sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to you. The holiday season basically consisting of me working and working and working. Folks have never seen that much of me, but now I have little messages taped to my door, wondering if I am still okay. It's reassuring, in a way, to realize that people do care - even people you don't really know.

Maybe that's why I ended up here. Yes, this is the start of your little game. After I left Capeside, I went back to New York to see my parents for the weekend. Home really is where the heart it, and mine wasn't in New York. So, I cashed in part of my trust fund and headed off, leaving my parents not caring where I went or when I would return. In other words, the hearth back home definitely isn't burning for me. It's been extinguished for a long, long time.

The address I pressed into your hand before leaving on the train was...well, let's just say it was a place I knew in the past. One of my "boyfriends" from the time before I came to Capeside had a cousin that worked there, on and off for several years. I knew that if you wrote to my parents, the letter would be destroyed. I had actually thought ahead enough to contact this friend of mine and see if using the store would be fine. He didn't care - but I did have to "show" my appreciation to him. Thankfully, that was the last time I had gone to bed with someone I despised.

Silly me, after leaving New York I wandered around for awhile, before coming up with the brilliant notion to go abroad. So, off I went. I grabbed the cheapest flight, which happened to land in Amsterdam, and within 24 hours, I was wandering around France, looking for a pensione or a hostel or someplace to stay for a little while.

You will never guess where I ended up. In the place none of my friends would ever guess I would stay. I took up residence in a convent.

It's okay, Pacey. You can let your breath out - or stop laughing, whichever you may be doing right now. I didn't become a nun. I just stayed with them for a couple months. I earned my keep and learned a lot of new things. While I was able to hide the fact that I didn't believe in a kind, benevolent god, I was also able to realize that there is some type of being out there.

Well, that's it for round one. It's your turn now. The ball is completely in your court.

Waiting patiently for a letter from Capeside,

Jen

***

February 23, 2008

Dear Jen -

You’re letter brought another smile to my face. Of course, it was hard to hear about the difficulties you faced when you left Capeside, but I have always known that you were a strong individual. Now, I am positive of that fact.

For me, as you know, I graduated from high school and went to the Capeside Community College. Joey and I were so on-again, off-again during high school; I should have known what was in our future. She kept trying to reform me, and whenever I didn’t pay enough attention to her, or couldn’t meet all of her demands, she became a different girl.

I don’t know if you know, but I’m sure you do, that she cheated on me a couple of times before graduation. She was definitely not the same virginal, perfect Miss Josephine Potter anymore, that’s for sure. But, enough about her. She is my past, and I don’t want to worry about my past anymore.

I graduated from the community college and decided to go to work. I had always been a slacker in high school, but college really challenged me to be someone. I don’t know how I was trying to prove my worth to. Was it me, the town, Joey, my friends, who? Eventually, I didn’t care about whom I was proving it to, I just did it. And, I couldn’t be happier about the outcome of my education.

Can you believe that I actually went into social work? The community college didn’t’ offer much in that field, but I took some extra courses over the summer at a different school. Eventually, I got my license.

Today I work with kids that feel that they don’t have anyone that cares about them. I struggle daily to show them that someone does care about their well being. It’s a difficult road to take, sometimes. There are days when I come back to my house virtually exhausted from the mental anguish. But, there are those days.... Those days when you know that you are making a difference in someone’s lives. There is no feeling quite like it.

Today, however, was a medium day. I’m working with a girl that has been abused in the past and is struggling to discover who she really is. Is she the bad girl that everyone has always assumed she was, or is there a deeper, inner core to her that no one is allowed to see? Is she truly hard-core, or is there a vulnerable side to her. In all cases, I’m willing to bet on the latter. I can only hope that I can reach her before she leaves - never to be seen again. It’s an awful system. There are times when I feel like I’m swimming against the current, but I also know that, somewhere out there, someone is depending on me to keep swimming. So I will.

I can’t possibly go into detail what I experienced in Crete. It would be a whole book. (Note to self....) But there is one experience I would like to share with you and that is my hike of the Sumarian Gorge.

Basically, the extent of this hike was to hike down from the highest point in Crete to the lowest point – it was a little over thirteen kilometers and would take all morning to do – even at a fast pace. I woke up early in the morning and waited outside for my bus. It was freezing, which I hadn’t expected because when you think of Greece and Crete, you think of warm, comfortable weather. Let me tell you something – I had never been so happy to have a pair of sweats on in my life. Layering was definitely a good thing.

At around six that morning, we arrived at the initial starting point. And, down I went. There were walkways along the way, so it wasn’t a difficult climb. But, little did I know that the best was yet to come.

I watched the sun come up over these great big hills – I can’t really call them mountains even though they were, in a sense. Just seeing the sun burst through the clouds and warm the earth…the feeling was unimaginable. It was a feeling that I have only experienced once, and I know that I will never experience it again. That’s why I have a picture of it hanging on my wall, near my computer. Just glancing at that picture shows me that the universe is a wonderful thing indeed, and even if I have problems, I am important. I can’t put into words, Pacey. It’s humorous, actually, because my job is to put my feelings into words and phrases – but this is something that I cannot do. The feeling of it just overwhelms me. In some senses, I think that I don’t want to be able to describe it. I want to remember it the way that it was. If I wrote about the experience, I think that it would lessen the importance. And that is something that I’m not going to do.

Crete was wonderful and Greece was magnificent. But, eventually the difficulties with the Greek language really got to me. In tourist spots, it was easy to find someone that spoke English, but in the places where I wanted to go – the out of the way, hole in the wall, type of places, there was no one that could understand me. I continued to feel so alone.

Don’t ask me what prompted me to jump on the plane, but I did. And, off I went on another adventure. I was getting so travel-weary, however. I knew, even before I boarded the plane, that I couldn’t handle not having a place to call my own for much longer. I knew that I wanted to settle down. And, I did.

That plane dropped me off in Dublin, and from there I grabbed a train and headed off to the western coast of Ireland. And, that is where I have stayed for three years.

Ireland is a wonderful place, a place so beautiful that it can cause me to become choked up with emotion. There are days when the sun hits the green hills and causes the dew to sparkle, or times when it starts to rain gently and softly. Those are the days when I know that I have come home.

Even though I am not Irish, I feel like I have found my place. For three years I have been here, and I don’t plan on moving on. This little cottage I started renting three years ago is my house, and the nearby village is mine also. For the first time since Rome, I have felt at peace. And, even more important, I know that I am safe here.

Are you still speaking with your family? All of your letters do not mention them. The holidays are rapidly approaching and I was wondering….

No, perhaps I shouldn’t ask. But, you are my closest friend and I have been alone for so long. Plus, it sounds like you wouldn’t mind.

Would you like to come and visit me, my friend? I only ask because I haven’t spent the holidays when someone I consider my family for about six years now. I miss having someone there. If you cannot come, just let me know. There is no obligations. Perhaps, you can even call it a moment of weakness, if you like. All I know is that you would be appreciated and feel at home if you came.

I miss you, Pacey. Please, just think about it.

Jen

***

September 30, 2008

Dearest Jen –

I will be arriving in Dublin on the 29^th of October. Hope the invitation still stands.

Love,
Pacey

(written on a postcard depicting the coastline of Capeside)

***

Pacey walked down the terminal, scanning the crown around him automatically, looking for her. He wished he wasn’t so nervous, but even the circumstances surrounding this vacation were a little odd and out of character.

Jen’s invitation had come out of the blue. Pacey was hoping that one day she would come back to Capeside and they would hopefully renew their friendship. But, Jen had surprised him. Instead, she had invited him to leave his comfortable surroundings and vacation on the west coast of Ireland with her. This was her turf, her home, and Pacey had to admit that he felt slightly out of place. But, it was worth it, worth everything, if this vacation turned out the way he was hoping it would.

***

Jen struggled to contain her emotions, which were brimming at the surface of her composure. Over and over, she paced the floor, betraying her nervousness. Catching herself meandering around the front door to the airport, she laughed at herself and ran her fingers through her hair, struggling for a moment to control the wayward curls.

Ever since she received Pacey’s postcard with its short message, she hadn’t been able to concentrate. For the first time in six years, she was gong to be reunited with an old friend from her past. To this day, she still couldn’t pinpoint what possessed her into writing that invitation. But, never in a million years, would she had considered the possibility that he was going to accept. Now, her she was, a little over a month later, and a nervous wreck. For the first time, she was going to let someone in her world.

***

Pacey grabbed his bags from the baggage terminal and flew through customs. He had never traveled much – mainly just to Boston and an occasional trip down the coast in his boat, so flying and customs were a new experience to him, but not a frightening one. After his passport was stamped, he walked toward the exit of the airport, wondering along the way where Jen was. Of course, she had never specified that she was going to be at the airport, but he really thought that she would come to meet him.

Pacey walked outside and stopped, breathing deeply. He looked left, then right, and wondered which way he was supposed to head to get to the train station, where he would hop onto a train to head off toward the west coast of Ireland. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a figure sitting on a nearby bench, but didn’t think anything of it. He was still focused on finding out what his next action would be.

***

Jen, after catching herself for the fifth time pacing in front of the doorway, decided that she needed to sit down and try to calm her nerves. She still couldn’t get over the fact that she was going to be seeing someone from Capeside again. Hopefully, the real truth about why she left wouldn’t come out. She had kept that secret for over six years, and there was no way that she was going to voluntarily offer the truth to anyone.

As she sat on the bench, huddled in her sweater, she watched the people milling out of the airport front doors. She glanced down at her watch, noting that, withholding any unforeseen circumstances, Pacey’s plane would have landed and he had most likely made it through customs. She peered into the crowd, trying to figure out which one was Pacey. Then, her eyes rested on a lone figure looking up and down the streets in confusion. It had to be him. And, with certainty and finality, Jen got up from the park bench and headed toward him, gaining confidence with each step she took.

***

Pacey shrugged his shoulders and decided to ask someone for help. He had heard that the Irish were famous for their hospitality, so he was certain that he would be on his way soon. Then, just as he was about to find someone to ask, he heard a voice behind him.

***

Jen walked toward Pacey, staying, for some reason, out of his line of vision. She wanted, no needed, this chance to observe him without him knowing. Jen believed strongly in first impressions, and while she had this uninterrupted chance for observation, she was going to take it.

Pacey had grown even more than when she saw him last, if that was possible. No, Jen corrected herself. He hadn’t really grown in terms of height, but he did increase in stature. His hair was longer and his shoulders were slumped, probably from the recent falling out with his marriage. All in all, it was an impressive, but somewhat sad, picture.

“Hey, Pace.”

***

Pacey turned around, startled at the sound of the voice behind him uttering his name. There was only one person it could be, Jen.

Turning around slowly, he looked at her, noticing on some level of his consciousness, that the woman sitting in front of him was the figure that he had noticed on the bench. His eyes drank in the sight of her, momentarily stunned.

Jen had, in Pacey’s opinion, grown even more beautiful since he had seen her last. Her hair, brilliantly blond, cascaded down her back in a mass of unruly curls that she had struggled to maintain with a simple rubber band. A few strands had escaped, however, and framed her face. Her brown eyes were warm with friendship, but held touches of caution and fear as well. Pacey figured that both the caution and fear were justified, he just hoped that he would be welcomed into her world, even for a short time.

“Any more bags?” Jen asked. Pacey shook his head so Jen continued. “Well, let’s go then.” She reached down and grabbed a piece of Pacey’s luggage and headed off. Pacey grabbed the rest of his luggage and followed her.

***

Fifteen minutes later Jen and Pacey were sitting across from each other in a train station, which was bound for Galway City, in County Clare.

“Hi,” Pacey said to his companion.

Jen smiled at him and answered in return, “Hello.”

Pacey leaned forward and placed his hands on the table between them and said, “Well, now that’s out of the way…” he trailed off.

Jen looked at the table, at her hands, outside, anywhere but at him. Pacey grabbed one of her hands and held it quietly, waiting silently for her to start.

“It’s weird, Pacey,” Jen stated.

Pacey inclined his head, asking a silent question.

“I mean, we shared so much, you know, in our letters.” Jen sighed deeply and looked out the window, staring at the countryside as the train moved steadily west. “This is my home, a home I made for myself, and for the first time ever, I’m letting someone in.” She continued to stare out the window, finding it easier to talk when she didn’t have to face him. “You know more about me than my family and friends. Writing to you gave me a release, a place other than my books to write down my feelings and thoughts and experiences. I remember asking you to come, but I don’t know why I did.”

Pacey nodded in understanding, even though he knew she couldn’t see him. “Jen, I know. No one other than you knows about what I went through with Joey, my thoughts and feelings about the divorce. I couldn’t share the joys and pressures of my work with anyone else, either, because no one else would understand. But, somehow, I knew that you would. So, I wrote to you, never dreaming that we would ever see each other again.” He paused. “But, Jen,” he waited until she turned to face him, “I’m glad that we did.”

Jen smiled at him and clasped their joined hands with her spare one. At that moment, a little bit of the tension surrounding them began to ease. Time would ease the remainder.

***

Pacey looked up from the newspaper he was reading and looked out the window, gazing in wonder at the countryside. Everyone said that Ireland was green, but no one could truly understand the depths of color until they saw it firsthand. He glanced over at his companion, noting how engrossed she was in her laptop. She looked so serious, typing away another adventure. Pacey was unsure what to think about his adventure so far. While it was true that some of the hesitancy and tension surrounding them had eased, Pacey could still feel some undercurrents running through the air.

Jen continued to type, even though she knew that Pacey was looking at her, studying her. She knew that seeing a person from her past was gong to be difficult, but Jen hadn’t imagined the other frustrations and fears that had happened. More than she feared letting someone into her world and her thoughts, she feared what Pacey would think about her. They hadn’t seen each other in six years, and no, here they were, stuck together for the holidays. She could only hope that their friendship survived,

***

“Galway City,” Pacey exclaimed breathlessly. “We’re here.”

“Yup,” Jen answered with a grin. “Come on, let’s go.”

They gathered up their belongings and headed out into the train station. Compared to the majority of train stations located in major towns, Galway City’s station was dark and quiet, sponsoring only four train lines. But, to Jen, it was a welcome sight because it meant that home wasn’t too far away.

“So where we staying in Galway?” Pacey asked.

Laughing, Jen turned toward him. “And what makes you think that I live here?”

“Well,” Pacey began then faltered. “I just thought…”

“Let’s go, Pace, otherwise we’re going to miss our ride.”

Instead of walking out the front of the station, Jen walked toward the side door, which led to a lot full of buses, awaiting passengers for their destination.

“A bus?” Pacey questioned.

“Trust me, Pacey. After all, look where you are based on that.”

Pacey looked down at Jen who was looking up at him in an endearing manner. “You know something?” he asked. At her shrug, he smiled down at her and replied. “I haven’t even given you a hug yet. Come here,” he ordered and dropped his bags and gathered Jen up close, so close she could feel and hear his heart beating beneath his clothing. After a moment of astonishment and surprise, Jen enveloped her arms around Pacey and hugged him back. For a few minutes, there they stood, in the middle of a bus station, surrounded by exhaust and people, sharing a wonderful and special moment. Another crack had developed in the tension surrounding them.

Jen pulled away slowly and smiled one of her special smiles at Pacey. Just as Pacey was about to pull her into his arms again, seeking comfort and solace, their bus pulled up.

“Come on,” Jen said and escorted Pacey onto the bus. They took a seat toward the front. After sitting down, Jen jumped up again and spoke briefly with the bus driver. He nodded in understanding. As she walked back toward Pacey, he questioned what she had said to the driver. Jen just replied mysteriously, “You’ll have to see for yourself.”

After a couple minutes in the Galway station, the bus pulled out and headed west, toward the coast. Navigating through narrow, winding roads, the bus rumbled on toward a tiny village, to a place where Jen called home.

“Where are we going, anyway?” Pacey asked.

“Spiddal,” Jen replied. :

“Never heard of it,” Pacey complained. “Except for the letters, that is.”

“Are you meaning to tell me,” Jen teased. “That you never even bothered to look up where I was, especially after I gave you my permanent address? Pacey, I’m ashamed of you.”

Pacey caught himself blushing at her words. “Truth be told, Miss Jennifer, I was so happy to be hearing from you, that I didn’t bother with anything other than reading and responding to your letters. Okay?”

Laughing, Jen pointed up toward the front of the bus. “Watch.”

“Watch what?” Pacey asked then gasped in wonder as the world opened up in front of him.

The bus had just rounded a hill and, as Jen had requested, the bus driver had pulled over to allow his American rider the chance to really see Ireland. The sun had escaped from the clouds, bathing the earth in an soft, warm glow, causing the mist to sparkle. Lush, green hills ripe with color and texture, rolled across the horizon, speckled with ripe fields. Small, neatly compact farms dotted the countryside, offering Pacey a glimpse of Irish civilization. Cows and sheep nestled in packs near the farms and grazed quietly on the soft grass.

“Wow,” Pacey breathed in astonishment and looked over at Jen, still stunned with the beauty laid out in front of him.

Jen nodded in understanding. “I know,” she said and quietly laid a hand on Pacey’s arm.

“Okay, Colin,” she called out to the driver. Colin nodded and put the bus in gear again. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, lassie. Pleased to show off a bit of the land to newcomers,” Colin answered. “Besides, ain’t no one else here but the two of you. How are you, young man?”

“Fine, thanks,” Pacey answered automatically.

“Good,” Colin answered and smiled at him in the window. Pacey found himself smiling back. Colin settled back and continued to drive. It was about time, in his opinion, that little Jenny bring a friend over from America. She’s been alone too long.

The three rode in silence until the village rose up on the horizon in front of them. Pacey looked at his watch and noted that it was really a quick ride for them to drive from Galway to Spiddal – only a couple minutes, actually.

“Thanks, Colin,” Jen told the driver as she left with Pacey.

“See you in a couple days, sweetheart,” Colin answered back with a grin.

Pacey and Jen waved as Colin drove back to Galway to await the next small batch of riders. After the bus left, Pacey looked over at Jen and grinned, “Nice place you got here.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” Jen shot back. “Let’s walk.”

After a short fifteen minute walk, Jen and Pacey arrived at their destination. “Home, sweet, home,” Jen stated as she opened the door.

Pacey walked in and surveyed her cottage. It was nestled into one of Ireland’s many hills and was relatively small, but very homey. It consisted of four rooms, the kitchen, a bedroom, a living room, and a bathroom. However, even though it was small, Jen had added a touch of herself to the place, and, in essence, opened up her home.

The front door opened up into the living room, and sported an old couch, tattered and slightly torn. It should have looked homely, but it didn’t because of the colorful throw pillows adorning it and the antique coffee table in front of it. Also in the room was a small desk with a computer on top of it and scattered papers. Around the desk, taped to the walls, were pictures of places where Jen had been. Pacey gravitated toward the desk and looked at the pictures.

“Are these?” he asked.

Jen nodded in affirmation and turned to go into the bedroom to drop off Pacey’s luggage. Pacey turned to watch her go, momentarily stunned at her abrupt departure, but then turned to the pictures again to look some more at all the sights and sounds that Jen had seen and discovered in her short life.

Above the computer screen, in almost direct vision of the computer screen, was a blown-up photo of a mountain side. Half the photo was still dark – the left side, in fact, while the right side was being lit up by a brilliant sunrise overtaking the mountain rock. Pacey knew, in his heart, that this was a picture of Crete and the Sumarian Gorge.

Jen paused outside the doorway, looking at him. He stood there, looking at her pictures, gazing into her past. Jen couldn’t shake the feeling of intrusion. She hated that feeling, especially because she was the one who invited him to come to Ireland. Thankfully, the feeling had lessened from earlier, when they had first seen each other, but traces still remained.

Pacey’s attention shifted to other photos strewn over the walls. Here was a picture of Rome, with its colorful buildings and blinding sunlight. There were photos of France and Greece, an elderly woman tenderly picking olives, a close-up of a bright, lovely flower adorning a walkway. There were sunsets, sunrises, pictures of people, buildings, animals, and a wide variety of other various subjects. Then, in the middle of all this clutter, there were pictures of the gang, back in high school.

There was a picture of Joey and Dawson taken at their first dance together, a snapshot of Dawson, Pacey and Jen during a hot summer day on the beach when Joey had to work. Jen and Grams were featured in many snapshots, but two obvious favorites were a picture of Jen and Jack sitting at Grams’ kitchen table, laughing like loons and a picture of Grams, smiling a beautiful, thoughtful smile as she fingered her wedding ring. Their high school graduation photo, all six of them smiling as they started to say goodbye to Capeside High. But, to Pacey’s surprise, he also found a picture taken of the two of them nestled amongst the rest.

Pacey smiled fondly as he gazed at the picture, even softly running his fingers down Jen’s face in memory. It was taken about a month before graduation. Pacey had come over to Jen’s one Saturday afternoon. Dawson and Joey were both working. Andie was busy studying for finals – a month in advance was never too soon, in her opinion, and Jack was hanging out with his father in Providence. So, Pacey was found himself with no one to hang out with. So, in tandem, he went over to Jen’s, certain that she would be busy too. But, she wasn’t.

So, they spent the day together. Actually, it was one of the most wonderful days that Pacey could remember. He didn’t have to worry about how he was acting, what he was saying. The one thing that he always loved about Jen was that she accepted you for who you were, at face value. She never demanded him to be something that he wasn’t. With Andie, Pacey had felt the need to succeed, to do well in school, to struggle to be perfect. And with Joey, Pacey kept trying to become Dawson, even though he knew that Joey loved him for who he was. However, he also knew that Joey would never love him like how she loved Dawson. He stove to constantly try to have their relationship be simple, not constantly complicated like Dawson and Joey. And, in many ways, it was a trial to strive to maintain that level.

However, with Jen, with their friendship, things really were truly simple and basic. They didn’t have undercurrents of tension surrounding them, they didn’t have a long and torrid past. Instead, they had a basic love for each other and for desiring the other to be happy. When Henry had moved away, Pacey had comforted Jen. When Joey always went to Dawson with her problems, Pacey talked things through with Jen. And, when Jen decided to leave Capeside, for whatever reasons, Pacey was one of the few people that honestly wished her well.

Turning at the sound behind him, he saw Jen looking over his shoulders. He didn’t realize that he was so deep with his memories, but he wasn’t surprised. He rarely made a trip down memory lane, but when he did, he tended to stay there for awhile, stuck in the past.

“I’ll show you the rest,” Jen said quietly, noting what Pacey was looking at, trying to block out her own memories. That Saturday on Pacey’s boat was one of the reasons why she made the decision to leave Capeside, and it was still painful to remember. But, Jen could never part with the picture, no matter how many memories it contained. They looked so happy together, to content with life, so…

Pacey turned toward her. “Jen,” he said. “Thank you.”

She nodded in understanding and motioned for him to follow her as she gave him the “grand” tour. The rest of the rooms weren’t too extraordinary, but they were functional and welcoming in their design. However, the best was saved for last, as Jen led Pacey out the back door into her yard.

“Wow,” Pacey found himself saying once again, astonished at the grandeur and beauty that was constantly being shown to him. “I didn’t know a place like this existed.”

Jen’s backyard was a small lot covered with wildflowers, a great majority of them in full bloom. There was a small walkway leading toward a wooden fence. But, it was the sight beyond the fence that had Pacey’s breath quickening.

The ocean was only yards away from Jen’s cottage. He could see the rocks and the ocean waves beating endlessly against one another, neither budging from their position. Jen’s cottage was situated on a small cliff, overlooking the ocean from the back and the rolling, lush countryside of Ireland from the front. It was, in essence, a dichotomy. Peaceful and serene versus raging and vengeful. And, when Pacey looked down at the slight woman standing next to him, he realized that the same dichotomy existed in the two of them.

***

Jen stood on the edge of her cliff, looking down at the water below. Thankfully, the sea was only rarely calm here. Pacey had apologized for his jetlag and decided to lay down for awhile to try to adjust to the time zone change. He was currently in her bed, lying amongst her comforters, dreaming his dreams. And, Jen stood here, at the edge of the world, alone.

The wind picked up and Jen scanned the horizon, noting that it would rain soon. The sun had disappeared behind the clouds awhile ago, and the overcast day was deepening in color. It wouldn’t be a soft rain, but it wasn’t going to be a torrid storm either, just a nice blend in between. Jen welcomed the rain, both for its nourishing waters and its cleansing ways. Often, during her years alone and living in strange places, Jen had stood out in the rain. She would just stand there, arms outstretched, enjoying the rain on one level and wishing for release on another. She wanted a release from her past, from Capeside, from her friends. It took years for Jen to realize that the past wasn’t something that she could run from, because no matter how much she ran, it was right behind her, daring her to look behind. Once she learned to accept the past, she was finally able to stop running.

And, now, her past has come full circle. Perhaps she didn’t accept all of it after all. Because if she had accepted her past in its entirety she wouldn’t feel threatened with Pacey’s return to her life. And, Jen knew that there was truth in her thoughts because she hasn’t faced her reasons for leaving Capeside.

***

Pacey stretched and pulled himself up into a sitting position. Disorientated, he looked around the room. After a couple minutes, he figured out that he was in Jen’s bedroom in Ireland. He left Capeside only yesterday and now he was 3,000 miles away from everything that was familiar and comfortable. Once again, Pacey wondered at his reasons for coming.

While it was true that he wanted to see Jen again, was it worth traveling to another continent for? They had grown apart during their senior year. Pacey was caught up with Joey and Dawson, struggling to put together an old relationship and still striving to have time for a new one. Jen had always been the outsider, and Pacey knew that their senior year of high school was no expectation. She didn’t have the history, the memories, and the initial friendship that Joey, Pacey, and Dawson had for over a decade. Unfortunately, Pacey knew that they continued to edge her out of the group, little by little during that final year of high school.

Stretching again, Pacey rose from the bed and walked out to try to find Jen. He quickly scanned the house, noting her absence from any of the rooms. He headed to the back door next, knowing that this was the first place he should have looked.

Opening the screen door, he stood on the porch and watched her from a distance. The wind had picked up another couple of notches, and the sea was growing wilder. Once, Pacey had been afraid of storms. He remembered traveling with Joey on True Love and them being caught in a storm. Pacey had feared showing Joey how scared and weak he was. Maybe, if he would have shown her then that he had fears right away, they wouldn’t have split up.

Now, watching Jen standing in the path of the oncoming rain, he could see the beauty in the weather. Here was nature’s way of ripening the earth and causing things to grow. Without rain, life would die, slowly but surely. With the downfall of water, life could start anew and be refreshed. And, it would grow stronger and better because of it.

Pacey thought about walking over to Jen and standing there with her, but feared the consequences. He knew that Jen was still hiding something from him, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Watching her revel in the wind, he saw her in a new light. She was like one of those rocks that weathered the endless onslaught of the raging sea. She would never budge, but eventually, she would begin to show signs of wear. Those rocks had been there for thousands of years, but where there were once ragged edges, now there were only smooth, polished surfaces. Jen had weathered so much in her short time on earth, where, in her spirit, were there signs of wear?

Pacey’s mouth dropped open when Jen shook her hands above her head and started laughing. It was a wonderful sound, a sound that Pacey didn’t know until that instant that he had missed. It was there, at that moment, that Pacey felt his heart move.

***

Jen turned around to head back to house and saw him leaning up against her porch frame. From this distance she couldn’t tell whether or not the shadows had eased under his eyes, but, judging by his posture, he felt better, both about himself and his current situation. Leaving the many comforts of home was more difficult than most people realized, especially if you didn’t know what the future held. Pacey was at a turning point in his life, and his path was not yet chosen.

Jen smiled at him and started walking toward the gate door. She opened the gate of her fence and started strolling toward him. Lazily, Pacey continued to watch her and shot her a grin of approval. Jen slowed her pace and stood there, staring at him, stunned. He looked so at home with himself and with this place, even though she knew that he didn’t realize it yet. And, for the second time in her life, Jen’s heart took that eventful leap into oblivion. And, ultimately, heartache.

“Sleep well?” she asked from her vantage point among the flower bed.

Pacey shook his head, put a finger across his lips in a gesture of silence, and ambled toward her slowly and surely. He stopped until he was only inches away from her.

Jen tipped her head back and looked at him, baffled and bewildered. He looked into her eyes, searching for something. Jen could feel her heart expanding. Her breathe quicken as they continued to stare at each other, not even paying attention to the rain that had begun to fall gently around them.

Pacey took her chin in his hand and tipped it forward. He leaned toward her and Jen’s eyes fluttered closed, eagerly anticipating his next move.

There, in the middle of a colorful midst of flowers, with the raging sea behind them, surrounded by gently falling rain, they kissed.

Lightening flashed and thunder crashed. Pacey jumped, momentarily angry at nature’s intrusion on the moment that he was sharing with one of his best friends. He pulled back and looked at her. In the dim light, he could see her eyes flutter open and she looked at him with those luminous eyes. Once again, Pacey felt his heart turn over. He knew he had to taste her again.

Leaning forward again, he tried for another kiss, but Jen stopped him.

“Before we start this again and get subsequently drenched, why don’t we move it to a more shady spot?”

Pacey nodded dumbly and took Jen’s hand in his. He led her inside and into the living room, where a fireplace was sported.

“How do you start this thing?” he asked, looking around for a gas switch.

Jen couldn’t help but laugh at his ineptitude. “The old-fashioned way,” she answered and moved Pacey aside to gather wood and papers.

Pacey’s eyes caught upon a couple of words written on the pages. “What’s this?” he asked and grabbed one of the pages.

“Nothing,” Jen answered and moved to take the paper back from Pacey but it was too late. He had started to read. After reading a few lines, he looked up at her.

She shrugged, trying to remain oblivious. “Poetry was never my forte.” Pacey looked at the paper again and continued to read.

Jen sighed, defeated, and stoked the fire while Pacey read her innermost thoughts.

Love Unspoken

Yesterday

Was full of pain,

Unbridled anguish,

Unspoken feelings.

A love

So deep and true

Speaking it, defining it

Only spoken in my heart.

Loving him silently

Cheering for his happiness,

But only from the sidelines.

Outside the circle,

Inside my mind

Love unspoken.

Leaving,

Was a solution.

Breaking away

Breaking apart.

Today

Pain afresh,

Feelings buried,

Broke to the surface.

Seeing my past

Standing in front of me.

Feeling the warmth

Spreading throughout me.

Stop

Fight

Resist

Don’t give in

Survival is key.

He broke you once

Though unaware.

Open your heart

Your soul

Your mind.

He’ll walk right through

The doorway of your

Feelings broken

Time passes

Pain fades

Feelings forgotten

Until the day

He steps in my world

Never to leave

I can’t

Continue to fight

Defeated

I give in.

Tomorrow

The future

The past

The present

Meld together

Meshing

Structuring

He’ll leave one day

Alone again,

I’ll nurse the pain,

Lick my wounds

But won’t run away.

Six years

Of running

Of trying to forget.

The floodgates are open

Will I let myself

Walk through them?

He’s on the other side

My love

My inspiration

My future

My destiny

Love spoken

Cannot be denied.

“Jen?” Pacey questioned, looking at her, trying to read her eyes. She refused to look at him. “Jen?” he asked again, more insistently this time.

Jen looked at him, ashamed at the tears running down her face. “Yes?”

Pacey took her hand and held it, trying to find the words to express the thoughts running through his head.

“Am I the reason…” he started, then trailed off, afraid to ask that particular question.

Jen laughed wryly and struggled for composure. “It was just a poem, Pace.”

He looked at her, not buying the act. She sighed.

“Not really,” she started then held up a hand when she saw that Pacey was going to say something. “We went through so much during our last two years of high school. But, the thing is, was that I didn’t go through it. I just watched it. I was always not a part of the circle. To Joey, I was the girl that took her soulmate away from her, even though, in actuality, my relationship with Dawson was the main reason they got together in the first place. To Dawson, I was this wild-child who had too much experience and too much of a jaded past for him to ever understand completely. After awhile, he grew to accept me, but I always felt like I was being judged around him. Jack was my best friend for so long, but he, Andie, and I weren’t a part of the inner circle. It was, in essence, three against three. I just decided to let things be, let them run their course because the past wasn’t something I could change.”

Jen paused and looked out the window to the falling rain. “Then, you started seeing Joey, Dawson and Andie hooked up, Jack was seeing Ben all the time, and Henry and I had broken up. Everyone was with someone but me. I was alone. And, no one noticed. I was still everyone’s friend, but people only came to me when there was no one else to go to. I was the scapegoat.”

Pacey looked down at their linked hands, momentarily ashamed of his actions because her words rang true.

“Then, one day, you came by and asked me to spend the day with you. It was just going to be a fun, simple day, hanging out on the boat. But, to me, it came to be something more. I couldn’t stay in Capeside and continue to play second fiddle to Joey Potter, or whoever was deemed the queen of the creek, anymore. Instead, I needed to know that I was worthy of a significant relationship. I needed to know that I could love myself for who I was, not for my past or my looks.”

Pacey looked at her again and saw the tears that continued to stream down her cheeks. He cupped her face again and wiped away her tears. Then, with tenderness and consideration, he leaned toward her and kissed her cheeks, tasting her tears. He gathered her close and held her tight. And, for the third time that day, he felt his heart turn over. And, he knew with utter certainty, that the third time was the charm. He had fallen in love.

He kissed the top of her head and continued to hold her. “Pacey,” Jen said against his chest.

“Hmm?” he asked in return.

“I love you,” she stated and smiled shakily.

“I know,” he replied. “And, I love you.”

Jen pulled away from him and looked at him in shock. He laughed at the look on her face and grinned as she continued to look at him in wonder. “What?” she exclaimed.

“I love you,” Pacey repeated. “I was watching you outside, standing there, looking out on the ocean and lifting your hands to the sky. I heard your laugh and could feel it echo in my bones. And, my heart just grew with emotion. Honestly, Jen, I don’t know how this happened. I didn’t mean for this vacation to turn out this way. I didn’t know that by coming to Ireland I would find myself. I would find the love of my life and I would also find my new home.”

Jen latched onto his last words. “Home?”

“Yeah, home. As soon as I breathed this air and walked on this land, I knew that I had come home. And, even better, I had found you too.”

“Oh, Pacey,” Jen breathed, shaken at his words. “You know I didn’t mean for this to happen. I was okay by myself. I had formed a home, a place for me to live and work. I was content.”

“But, is contentment everything?” Pacey questioned.

“No, but it is something that I hadn’t had for awhile. I thought I would be happy with just contentment. However, I’m not. Maybe that’s the real reason why i asked you to come here. Because I wanted to tell you how I felt.”

“Not appropriate for a letter?” Pacey asked jokingly.

Jen laughed back at him. “No, I just make you fly 3,000 miles to tell you. Now, how much did this cost you?”

“Nothing,” Pacey answered. “Because I gained so much more than what I gave up to come here.”

Jen hugged Pacey tight then leaned in for a kiss. In front of the crackling fire, sitting on the floor of a small Irish cottage, they kissed, first tenderly, then with growing passion.

Jen pulled away then rose to her feet, offering Pacey her hand.

“Where are we going now?” Pacey asked.

“Bed,” Jen answered and smiled at him sensuously.

Pacey looked at her outstretched hand and placed his hand in hers. He also placed his heart and his future in her hands, but he knew that she would take care of it.

Throwing an arm around her shoulders, they walked into the bedroom.

***

* should this be the end?? * Email Heidi