She woke to a pounding headache which penetrated her skull, and she wondered when hell had taken a change of address and moved to earth. Or maybe she'd moved to hell, and just hadn't realised, but it was definitely too much to contemplate on a cold Friday morning.
"Oh god," she groaned, bringing a hand up to her head, wondering what she'd done to deserve this. Or what she hadn't done. But she couldn't think of anything.
She shivered slightly, and brought the sheet up over her shoulders. She could hear Pacey moving around in the kitchen, and she wondered what time it was- but she didn't have the energy to turn and look for her watch- she didn't think she wanted to know.
Maybe it was best not to know, she thought, as she clambered out of bed, suddenly feeling too close inside her sheets, needing air. She wiped her eyes slightly, opening the door to her room and peering out. Pacey was standing, leaning against the counter, a cup of coffee in his hands.
She made her way silently towards the kitchen, and she watched him turn to her. She watched his eyes go over her in surprise. She smiled wryly; he had obviously expected to find her dressed and ready for work-sorry, there isn't time for breakfast- and about to leave, as she always did, in a rush.
Fuck work, she thought bitterly as she gingerly pulled out a chair from under their table and carefully sat down, putting her head in her hands. She groaned slightly, almost imperceptibly, rubbing fingers over her temples, trying to smooth away the pain.
She felt a cool hand on her back and she looked up.
"Joey?" His voice, his eyes, were worried.
"Yeah."
"Do you want me to call a doctor?"
"Do you want me to jump up and down screaming? I think not."
"Joey." He sighed, wishing that for once she would give up on the bitter humour. "I think maybe I should call someone."
She sighed. "Pacey, if Bessie gave birth to a baby while in Dawson's living room without needing to call anyone in, I'm sure I can get through this, okay?"
Pacey stared at her in silence. "Are you trying to tell me something?"
She laughed bitterly. "Yeah, Pace. Guess what? I saw my "first" again yesterday- a trucker by the name of Bubba- met him on the intersection and decided on a quickie in the back seat. No, Pacey I'm not pregnant. Who exactly do you think I am?"
He turned away, angry. He began unstacking the dishwasher, putting the plates and bowls away noisily, slamming them down on the surface of the counter. "I don't know, Joey. I was just trying to show some concern."
She sighed. "Well I think it's generally accepted the necessity of the man in a pregnancy- at least the actual fertilisation stage. And there hasn't been anybody; can I rest my case?"
He whirled around to face her, his dark eyes clouded over; she wished, as she had many times, that she could read them. "I don't make a habit of studying your sex-life, Joey."
She rubbed at her eyes, wondering if it was possible to feel any worse. "I'm sorry," she said quietly.
She heard him sigh and turn towards her. He pulled out the chair next to her, reaching out a hand and pulling a lock of her hair behind her ears. "I know. So am I. I didn't mean to imply you'd been stupid; I'm just worried about you."
She turned to him, her eyes bright. "Thankyou." She was thinking how safe it made her feel, knowing there was someone there, somebody who cared and who would look out for her. And at the same time she didn't want to hold him back.
"Do you want me to stay home with you today?"
She smiled. "What, and let me subject you to my misery and backhanded comments? I doubt that would be a wise decision, Pace. And besides," she said with a small smile. "Those kids need you more than I do."
She knew that although her first protestation may have been futile, her second, a reference to his job as a councillor for young offenders, would be more successful.
He sighed. "Joey; they can manage a day without me."
Perhaps not as much as she had thought though. She smiled. "And so can I. Go."
She watched as he gave her one last look of concern before he stood, placing his bowl in the sink, picking up his bag. When he turned again to face her as he stood in the doorway to the kitchen, he saw that she had placed her head back in her hands. She was still.
He contemplated dropping his bag to the floor and staying, or maybe saying one last goodbye, but he didn't want to undermine her decision. And he wasn't sure he'd be able to help her anyway, except maybe to soothe her, and offer her support. But he didn't think she wanted that right now. Not from him.
He turned again, trying not to think of her sitting behind him in pain as he walked towards the door, picking up his coat and shrugging it on. He shut the door behind him quietly as he left.
Perhaps she had been asleep when the phone had rung, but she wasn't sure. Maybe she had been somewhere else where for a moment she had forgotten the pain she was in. But perhaps it had been sleep, with dreams she couldn't remember, and with all pain forgotten; for a moment.
She closed her eyes again after the first piercing sound of the phone had made her open them suddenly. She breathed deeply for a moment and contemplated lying in bed until the monotonous drone died away, and then perhaps she could sleep. But as she tried to shut herself away from it all, the ringing refused to stop, and eventually she wondered if maybe answering the phone and telling whoever it was on the phone to go fuck themselves would be more appealing.
Joey sighed and pulled herself out of bed, clutching her head with one hand, wincing as her feet hit the floor, feeling the impact all through her body. She walked too slowly to the table in the corner of her room, equally cursing herself for not having a phone right by her bed- but that would leave cords trailing along the floor- and relieved it was far away, hoping the person may have given up by the time she got there.
They hadn't.
"Hey," she said wearily, too tired to introduce herself. And besides, whoever was ringing here was bound to know who either she or Pacey were, and so maybe it was pointless. She couldn't care less right now, anyway.
"Hey Jo." The voice was warm, and she smiled, taking the phone with her as she collapsed on the couch.
"Hey Pace."
"How are you holding up?" he asked her, and she decided not to search his voice for signs he was checking up on her, instead preferring just to hear his voice and feel comforted for a little while.
"Okay," she said. "You're not going to do one of those "If Muhammad can't come" things are you? Cause Muhammad is enjoying a little time without the pressures of the mountain."
He laughed. "And this mountain's a little tied up right now."
She sighed. "You're not the mountain, Pacey. At least not the one I was taking a leave of absence from."
He smiled. "So who was the lucky contender?"
"Oh, I don't know. Food, work… social visits and friends in general. Present company excluded of course."
"Of course." He paused for a minute, concerned. "Jo, maybe you should eat something."
"Pace, maybe you should get off my back."
He sighed, wondering if there was anything he could say that wouldn't piss her off. "Sorry, Jo. I know you have this Herculean mentality which prevents you from accepting outside help or empty platitudes, but I was just trying to show a little concern."
She grinned. "And I know you have a facilitating complex bordering on altruistic and an inability to let a problem pass without offering your own personal advice, but I was just trying to show a little independence."
He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Point noted, Joey."
"And besides, I'm sure the fact that I'm lying here in perpetual agony and constant pain was in some way influenced by the fact you were determined to spray freezing cold water all over me yesterday."
Pacey laughed incredulously. "So I've gone from the unwanted benefactor to the sole blame? That's fair!"
"You made me all wet!" she argued.
There was a pause. "Mmmmm. Didn't think they'd be words I'd be hearing from Josephine Potter," he said suggestively.
She groaned, trying to decide between laughing and belittling him for his not-so-subtle innuendo. But she couldn't help but laugh. "God, Pacey. That lacked tact."
She could feel him smile on the other end of the line. "It was too hard to let that pass."
"You've got to be kidding me. Only those looking for a double entendre would manage to find it within themselves to drop all self respect and comment on a line like that."
He grinned. "Oh you know me so well."
"Believe me, that's a fact I'm attempting to rectify."
He laughed. "I didn't mean to get in your way Jo. I just wanted to check you were feeling okay and let you know I'm here…" he paused. "I really shouldn't have said that after the conversation we just had, should I?"
She smiled. "You know it means a lot. I'm just taking advantage of the fact I know you're always here for me. And I don't know, I suppose I've been successful in my attempt to hang onto my bitter do-it-all-alone complex as I grow up. Do you think I'll ever be able to let a simple offering of help pass without the sudden need for a quick-fired complaint and a lecture on female independence?" She paused. "Don't answer that."
She could hear him laugh. "Take care, Joey."
She smiled. "Take care Pace. And don't worry. I'm off to the doctor's later. I'm sure I'll be warned of my fatal disease and offered the chance to prolong my life until you get home and I can see you one last time before I die…"
Joey," he said dryly. "Absence does not make the heart grow fonder when laced with your biting wit and perpetual sarcasm."
She grinned. "Bye Pace."
He sighed, a small smile on his face. "Goodbye Joey."
Joey closed the door behind her. For a moment she looked around the apartment, and it seemed like years since she'd last been there. And it had been two hours and so much had changed.
She wondered if she would cry- she had managed not to cry all afternoon, and had only realised the tears where there as she had taken the subway home and reflected on the afternoon. Reflected on the contents in the paper bag she was clutching to here side.
God, she hated them. She hated them and yet she needed them- needed them to stop her feeling this way, this headache, this weariness. She would use them, she thought sadly, if it meant an end to this. But it wasn't ever something she had anticipated, this need for things that would take away the pain.
As she collapsed on the couch she wondered how she would tell him; if she would tell him. Or if she would hide them beneath her sweaters in her bottom draw, and pretend that she didn't need them, that she hadn't collected them, that they didn't exist. In her perfect world they didn't exist, she didn't rely on them, she didn't hate them, because she could block them out of her life.
She wondered if he would understand, and she supposed he would, but a small part of her, growing by the second, needed to keep this from him. Knowing he would take control, knowing he would try to help her and needing him there, but needing to be alone.
That was the paradox.
Joey ducked her head as she heard the door slam, pulling the blanket further around her. She didn't turn as he came up behind her, and she knew he was surprised, but he didn't mention it as he placed a cool hand on her neck. Then she turned.
"Hi."
He smiled. "Hey Jo. You holding up?"
She smiled tiredly. "Afraid I'd fall apart in your absence?"
"Oh yeah- clearly I'm the bond that holds you together, Jo."
"I'll affirm the dripping sarcasm in your voice and to your great relief I'm sure, decide that you mean the opposite."
He grinned, collapsing on the sofa next to her. "Near enough." He paused for a minute, taking in her pale skin, her bright eyes. "Seriously Jo- how are you feeling?"
She sighed. "I'm okay Pace."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
He played with the hem of her blanket. "You go to the doctor?"
She hesitated, looking away from him. "Uh, yeah."
Pacey looked at her sharply, wondering if she was lying, hoping that she wasn't; hoping that she didn't need to lie to him. "What did she say?"
"Oh, just a bug," Joey said vaguely. "It might surprise you- I'm not the first to have them."
Pacey sighed. "Very perceptive. She give you anything?"
Joey shook her head. "Nope. Normal care and I'm sure I'll be over it soon. Which although is a good thing does imply the need for my return to work which is…" She paused, wincing. "Not a good thing."
Pacey smiled. "You're not going to milk a few more sick days out of it?"
Joey gave him a wry smile. "I think their credentials are a little above my acting abilities. They're lawyers, Pace- no doubt interrogation is part of their staple diet- question your own staff before going to court."
"When you put it that way…."
There was silence between them. Neither looked at the other.
"Jo," she heard finally. She turned around.
"Yeah?"
He paused for a moment. "You want to tell me something?"
She looked down at her hands and thought of the paper bag, wondering when she'd become dependent on something material. It was ironic- she fought for independence and here she was, back at the beginning.
"No," she replied finally, softly. "Nothing."
