THERE’S
A LITTLE BLACK SPOT ON THE SUN TODAY
THERE’S
A FLAG POLE RAG AND THE WIND WONT STOP
Pacey ordered a small coffee, black. He paid
the cashier then slipped into a seat at a table near the window. He looked
outside at the gray Seattle sky. It mirrored the look in his eyes perfectly. It
mirrored his soul.
A stranger would’ve looked into his clear gray
eyes and thought him just the average twenty-three year old, but someone close
would look and know that this wasn’t him; something in those gray eyes had
changed. He wasn’t the same Pacey Witter anymore.
If someone would listen, his body language
told his story like an open book.
His stature was wilted and tired;
slouched...not at all the proud, swaggering, and confident man nature had
intended him. He was withdrawn, vulnerable, and he sometimes had a slight
tremor in his limbs; proof he was out of strength, and he was still fragile
after his war with the past.
He’d almost lost.
At the last moment, something saved Pacey, and
he was able to recover, though recovery was an everyday process for this young
man, and it would be an everyday battle until the day he died. Sometimes Pacey
didn’t know how he had the strength to survive at all. He saw his reflection in
the glass, and looked away. He didn’t like to look at himself.
All he ever saw was someone sick… someone
weak, someone unable to handle even the simplest things. He felt pathetic, and
so he looked away. He hated his reflection because it reminded him he should
hate himself.
The reflection wasn’t bad, just the memories
that went with it.
Pacey was still the same guy in flesh, but the
reflection was only of someone he had once been.
That’s not what Joey was expecting when she
bound down the sidewalk, a smile on her face, and high hopes for this newfound
opportunity to amend her past and possibly sway her future.
Joey, at twenty-two, was in Seattle for a job
opportunity with a magazine.
Joey had graduated with a Masters degree in
Media Arts from The Art Institutes International at San Francisco. She’d been
accepted as a scholar at all the best schools: Princeton, Stanford, even
Harvard. But she’d turned them down to follow her passion.
Art was her passion.
Oh, Dawson had persuaded her to go with him to
any one of the Ivy League schools, both had been accepted to all; but she
ultimately said no, to his disappointment. So he went on without her, and he
was happy. And she was glad. She was happy, even as their lives had taken them
in very different directions, and though she hardly ever talked with Spielberg
Boy anymore, as it went, she never regretted a thing.
Except for losing touch with Pacey. She
regretted that.
She was here. He’d be inside waiting for her.
She took a deep breath to settle to
butterflies in her stomach, and yanked open the door.
There he was.
“Pacey.”
“Jo?”
The
Past:
It wasn’t anything that she beat herself up
over. He’d broken up with her. It hurt, but she’d gotten over it. She knew the
long distance relationship thing was hard for him, so she didn’t fight it.
Pacey had moved to Washington to go to school
there. He begged her to go to the Art Institute of Seattle, but she couldn’t.
They didn’t offer the programs that San Francisco had, and she wanted to take
it all.
He seemed bitter at the time, but he said he
understood. So they went off to different schools in different states, meeting
on some weekends and holidays, trying to hold it together. But as a few months
went by, they were drained of time and energy, and suddenly there seemed to be
no effort in it.
Joey understood why so she didn’t fight it.
Maybe she should have, she thought.
They’d only been in school for eight months.
Merely eight months, and things had already become so hard.
They had broken up, of all things, over the
telephone. And only a month after their last visit.
It had been bad.
Pacey was completely emotional; screaming and
crying, and begging her not to leave him. She tried to explain that she wasn’t
leaving him, just freeing him, for now. She tried to make him understand how
much she loved him, and that she was only suggesting they cool the relationship
until they were in a better place to pursue it, for both their sakes. But he
wouldn’t listen. It ended with Pacey calling her ugly names, and screaming at
the top of his lungs that he hated her and never wanted to see her again. Then
he hung up on her.
And that was it.
She was only 18, and he barely 19, so Joey
thought everything would be okay. She knew he’d only said those things out of
hurt and anger, so she didn’t hold it against him. In her heart she knew they
were too young to worry about a long distance romance. She thought he just
needed time to adjust. With time, he’d understand. Things would eventually work
out. They’d come together again, and things would work out.
Though they couldn’t be together right then,
Joey did want to stay his friend.
She tried to contact him a few times, but he
wouldn’t take her calls. She wrote him a few friendly letters, but he never
answered. She tried again, with deeper letters, letters that he couldn’t ignore
(if he were reading them), letters that she poured her heart into, hoping she’d
get at least a minimal response out of.
Still no answer. Still, she tried, growing
tired.
Then the letters started coming back so she
just stopped all together.
Two Christmas’ ago, when she’d been home to
Capeside, she stopped by his family’s house. Mr. Witter answered the door, and
when she’d asked for Pacey, he’d gotten all choked up. He simply told her he
wasn’t there, but he would let him know she stopped by, Merry Christmas and
thank you, and then the door was shut in her face.
Joey was startled and disturbed by his
behavior. She slowly turned to leave when the door opened again. Doug came out
and informed her that they hadn’t seen or heard from Pacey since his twentieth
birthday when he’d called from a pay phone to say hi to their mom. He dropped
out of school, and apparently off the face of the Earth.
Joey was baffled. Doug apologized for their
father’s behavior. She said she understood, and then she had left. That was
that. Everyone was baffled. Everyone was concerned.
Gale Leery saw Mr. Witter occasionally, out
and about in town. She always asked about Pacey. The answer was always the
same: they hadn’t heard from him.
Then a few months ago Joey got a call from
Jen.
Word on the home front was that Pacey was in
Seattle. Apparently Jen had run into Doug and Doug mentioned that they found
Pacey living there. Doug had even given her his address. Apparently Pacey had
no phone.
Jen knew about Joey’s job offer there, and had
called her to let her know where to find him. Joey wanted to find him more than
anything. So Joey sent Pacey a letter. After two weeks, he’d actually
responded, and they’d agreed to meet here…at this coffee shop, at this exact
time.
She had missed him so much. She’d been
dreaming of this moment for eons…hoping that at first contact they might be
able to spark that same feeling they’d had so many years ago, before parting in
such a bad scene.
She had decided that if it was at all
possible, she wanted to pick up where they’d left off. She wanted to love him
again, and she wanted him to love her.
“Jo…it’s good to see you.” He said quietly.
She was smiling, but her heart was sinking.
His eyes darted past her, and over her, and
around her, and at one point, seemingly through her. These weren’t the eyes she
remembered. They were his, but there was something missing, stolen, and it
afflicted her now too. He didn’t even get up to hug her.
She sank into the chair across from him, still
wearing the artificial smile, and took a deep breath. It was good to see him
too, regardless of the feeling in her stomach.
“I’ve missed you.” She said hopefully.
For a split second his eyes rested on her and
a smile appeared in the corners of his mouth. That gave Joey some hope. She
exhaled in relief and started to relax.
“Would you like something?” He asked, starting
to get up from the table.
“No! No, I’m fine.” She briefly covered his
hand with hers to stop him, and that touch was all that was needed to make him
sit and stay and open his mind to her again; to this woman who he had nearly
destroyed himself over.
Of course it hadn’t been her fault at all. It
was all him. He’d been able to learn that, to deal with his own guilt, so he’d
nearly destroyed himself on his own. Not because of her.
“Pacey, where did you go?” Joey asked finally,
after they’d finally settled into a conversation. Pacey had seemed to come
alive in the past fifteen minutes, showing genuine interest as he listened to
her talk about her life. But Joey noticed how he seemed to avoid questions
about himself, and now as she asked this one particular question, she could
almost hear a door closing inside of him. He shrank back in his seat, and his
eyes began to dart about the room again.
“I’ve been here.” He said simply, quietly.
“Here?” She asked sweetly. “Doing what?”
He shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Pacey!” She laughed. “You must’ve been doing
something! Come on! All I’ve been doing is talking about myself! I want to hear
about you…about what you’ve been doing with yourself. Come on! Fess up!”
“Well…” Pacey took a long pause, staring down
at the grain of the table for a while.
Joey didn’t dare say a word, afraid that he
might open his mouth to say something just as she interrupted. She held her
eyes on him, the question lingering in the air.
He rubbed his hands together nervously before
placing his palms down on the table. After another long moment, Joey slipped
her hands over his and squeezed them. She hid her troubled expression as she
suddenly realized how thin and cold they felt, not at all like they’d used to
be. She didn’t let go, and she didn’t release her gaze. He was going to answer
her if they had to sit here for days. She wanted him to answer her.
She began to caress his fingers…that seemed to
do the trick.
“I work at a music store.”
Joey smiled. Pacey finally spoke. And he
talked and talked and talked.
Not about school, or his achievements, or
anything grand. Just about the little things. Like what a nice guy, Bob, his
boss, was. Or the old woman that lived down the hall with these two little
yappy dogs that he offered to walk for her because she was too old and couldn’t
do it herself anymore. And about this preteen girl that comes into his store
once a week asking about old Greenday CD’s; how she tries to flirt with him…and
how he calls her ‘jailbait’.
Joey smiled at that.
Then he told her about this plant that a
neighbor left on their porch after they’d moved away, and how it had been dying
but he took it and repotted it and gave it water everyday and now it was this
beautiful green fern thing that just wont stop growing. He just talked about
the little things…He seemed so proud of the little things.
Joey felt proud for him too.
And when he stopped talking, she didn’t ask
him about anything else.
Pacey offered to walk Joey back to her motel,
but she declined. The weather was getting bad, or so she thought, and she
didn’t want Pacey to have to walk back in it. But Pacey didn’t look worried
when the first drops started to fall. He just zipped up his jacket and pulled
on his hood. Joey withdrew an umbrella from her bag and offered to share it
with him as they waited for his bus. He declined.
“You don’t need that.” He laughed. It was good
to see him laugh again.
“Pacey, it’s raining!”
“Nah…This aint nothing, just some sprinkles.”
He looked up to the sky. “This is typical Seattle weather, Potter…You sure you
can hack it here?”
“I can if you can.” They shared a smile. A
moment later his bus pulled up.
“Thank you for seeing me.” Joey said as they
stood almost nose to nose. He didn’t say anything, but smiling, glanced away.
“I guess you have to go now?”
“Yeah…” He said, still avoiding her gaze.
“Well, can we spend some more time together?
I’ll be here for another week before I have to fly back to Frisco for my
things…I’ll be busy apartment hunting, but maybe you could help?”
She watched him eagerly.
“Um…” She knew he would say yes…He was
still smiling. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Great! Tomorrow, around noon? We can meet
here.”
“Sure…”
Joey went to hug him but he avoided her.
Instead he held out his hand, and she shook it. He said goodbye then boarded
his bus, and he was gone.
Joey smiled despite herself.
She turned and headed back down the street towards her motel. It was only a few
blocks, but by the time she got there, her clothes were soaking wet. She
thought with the umbrella she’d be safe. She hadn’t accounted for the way the
water hit the ground and bounced back up.
“Ah, well,” She thought. “Get used to it,
Potter.”
~O~
I
HAVE STOOD HERE BEFORE INSIDE THE POURING RAIN
WITH
THE WORLD TURNING CIRCLES RUNNING ‘ROUND MY BRAIN
I
GUESS I’M ALWAYS HOPING THAT YOU’LL END THIS REIGN
BUT
IT’S MY DESTINY TO BE THE KING OF PAIN
The week ended and Joey boarded her flight
back to San Francisco. Pacey had helped her find this great one bedroom in a
refurbished three story Brownstone. It was perfect. It was close enough to town
so that she could walk or catch a bus anywhere she needed to go; it was close
to work. Joey was excited.
She’d only be in San Francisco for five days,
just enough time to finish packing and tie up some loose ends before making the
big move. Things were going to be a mess for a while, she thought as she felt
somewhat anxious at completely starting over, correction: starting out,
at a new job in a new city.
Atleast Pacey would be there,
she smiled to herself.
The week flew by. Soon enough Joey was back on
a plane, flying in the other direction up the coast towards Seattle.
Home, she thought as they
prepared to land.
It was no surprise when she got off the plane
that it was raining, yet again. It had been raining when she first
arrived her last trip up, raining when she left, and raining now, and probably
tomorrow too. Joey didn’t mind. She grinned ecstatically as she came down the
escalators and saw Pacey there waiting for her with his hands in his pockets,
his hair slightly disarrayed in that little boy look that he wore so well, and
a smile on his lips.
“What are you doing here!” She said coming up
to him.
“Um…I found out what flight you were coming in
on and I thought I’d be here to welcome you home…”
“Aww!”
“So…welcome home.”
Joey shook her head in disbelief at how sweet
he could be. She reached forward. He recoiled slightly (he always did that when
she went to touch him), but when she took his chin in her hands, he allowed her
to kiss him lightly on the lips.
“Thank you.” She said warmly.
He actually blushed. His cheeks were red, and
his skin grew hot. He was actually blushing!
“Pacey Witter! Are you blushing!”
“Who, me???” He said innocently. “No!”
“Are you sure? Cause you look a little red!”
She teased.
“No…” He said, smiling as he shook his head.
He leaned down and picked up her carry-on bag. “Not me.”
They spent the next week together.
Pacey would come over around two after his
shift at the music store ended to help her unpack. But they’d spend hours just
goofing off. They’d eat a late lunch together, then lunch would turn into
dinner, then dinner would turn into nearly midnight, and then Pacey would go.
“So what time do you start work Monday?” He
asked as they went to the door; him slipping on his jacket and pulling on his
hood. It had rained every day since they were back in each other’s presence.
“I have to be there by 9:30.”
“Can I bring you a surprise breakfast?” He
asked, raising his brow.
“A surprise, huh?” She asked peering up at him
skeptically. “Hmn…yeah! That’d be nice! I like surprises!”
“Okay,” He laughed. “What do you say I
surprise you around, oh, say…eight, with bagels, coffee and fruit?”
“I think I’d like that surprise!” She said
giddily.
“Okay, eight then.” He pulled open the door,
and started out into the hallway.
“Pace, you working tomorrow?” She asked. He
stopped and turned back.
“Yeah…I usually work until five on Sunday.”
“Will you have dinner with me?”
“Sure, Potter.”
She stared up at him, her hand on the door,
not wanting to close it. He looked down at her, knowing those eyes… He wanted
to take a step back but his legs wouldn’t move.
“Maybe we could meet at your job…then go to
your place…” She took a step out into the hall towards him, her gaze never
wavering as it locked with his.
She still had never been to his place. She
mentioned it once, but he shrugged it off and changed the subject…like he was
avoiding it.
“Um…well…I dunno,” He said. He finally found
his feet and began walking backwards towards the elevator.
“Pacey…”
“No, you know what, Potter? I, um, forgot! I
forgot I promised Bob I’d work an extra shift so I wont be getting off until
late…let’s just forget about tomorrow, huh?” He was pushing the elevator
button. Joey stood in her doorway staring after him. “How ‘bout we just get
together Monday morning for that breakfast I offered.”
“The surprise?” She confirmed in a small
voice.
“Yeah.”
The elevator doors opened and he stepped in.
“I’ll see you then!” He called out. She
couldn’t see him anymore, then the doors closed with a ding, and he was gone.
Joey bit her lip uncomfortably.
The next day at five, Joey was standing
outside of the Music Store where Pacey worked.
The sun was out, for once, and Joey’s umbrella
stay tucked away in her bag as she leaned against the wall and stared out at
the skyline. She was liking this city…
He almost didn’t see her as he came out the
door and headed in the other direction.
“Pacey!” She called out.
He spun around, baffled; his mouth agape when
he realized it was her. He stammered to speak.
“Joey! I…”
“I thought you had to work late?” She said
innocently.
“I was just…I…I… What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see the plant.” She said,
squinting her eyes against the sun light behind him.
“Huh?”
“Your fern. I wanted to see your fern…”
“Oh.”
He looked at her nervously, and she stared
back. She wouldn’t have admitted it, but her heart dropped in his hesitation.
“Jo, I don’t think…”
“Pacey. What’s wrong? Why don’t you want me to see your place?”
He was silent.
“Is it another girl?” She asked honestly.
“No.” He said quickly. His lip hung as if he
were going to add something else, but he didn’t.
“Then what?” She finally asked.
“I just didn’t want you to see where I lived.”
“But why?”
Pacey had no answer. He really didn’t. Joey
caught on.
“Pacey…” She urged in a whisper, taking his
elbow lightly. “Come on…is it this way?” She gestured to the direction he had
started walking.
“Um, yeah.”
“Come on…” She whispered. “Let’s go.”
He allowed her to turn him around and lead him
a few steps.
“Come on,” She said again encouragingly. There
was a pause before he reluctantly bowed his head and started walking along side
her.
Pacey lived on the poorer side of town. Joey
watched him as he unlocked the small security gate to the building. He held it
aside and let her enter first.
It was a dark corridor illuminated by cheap
yellow light fixtures that made everything look orange. He looked at her again
skeptically as they came to another gate. As he fiddled with the lock, she
smiled at him. Still stern faced, he turned the key, and again held the gate
for her.
It opened up to a little courtyard area in the
dead center of the building; full of plants and vines and a couple of flower
pots. Joey thought it must look rather quaint in the daylight, but it was
already growing dark; especially with the clouds sweltering overhead and the
buildings blocking out the sky.
The clouds had gathered in a thick gray mass
on their way over. She silently followed Pacey to some steps that led not up
but down.
He lived on the basement floor, and she
followed him to the end of the hallway. He looked at her again, almost sadly
this time, as he slipped his key into the last lock.
She stared back at him, no longer smiling as
the door fell open to a dark room. He walked in first and flipped on the
lights. He held the door aside allowing Joey passage and after she’d entered,
he closed the door again, and locked it, not only with the regular lock, but
with a dead bolt.
Joey looked around the room.
“This is nice.” She said enthusiastically.
“It’s cozy.”
“Thanks.” He said quietly, stripping off his
coat. She started to do the same, and he, like the gentleman he always was,
helped her off with it. He hung their coats in a tiny closet next to the front
door, then looked around helplessly.
“Um, sit down.”
She headed over to the futon sofa and made
herself comfortable. “Can I get you something? A soda?”
“Yeah, that’d be good…”
“Diet?”
“Yes,” She smiled.
“I remember.” He said as he disappeared around
a little counter. She heard the refrigerator open and its light bounced off the
walls.
His place was small and neat. Not a lot of
personal touches, she noticed, but when he did have were books. A whole shelf
full of old books. Some of them she recognized from the courses he’d taken
while at Washington State; others were just books from old bookstores or garage
sales. The walls were mostly empty, except for one piece of art. Joey
immediately started up.
“Is that…?” She went closer.
She didn’t need to ask, it was hers.
Pacey appeared from the kitchenette with two
glasses of soda in his hands.
“Pacey!” She said, her mouth open but a smile
forming. “You still have this?”
“Of course,” He mumbled.
She had painted it after graduation, and she
had given it to him.
It was her heart. Or, at least, metaphorically
it was.
It was the creek from the porch of the
B&B. Joey’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. When Pacey saw, his whole face
twisted with concern and he set the glasses down on the coffee table.
“What’s wrong, Jo?” He asked in a scared
little voice. “Did I do something?”
“No!” She laughed as she wiped her eyes. “Of
course not! You didn’t do anything…you’re perfect!”
He looked a little bewildered. She took his
hands and led him to the couch.
“Pacey! It just means so much to me that after
all this time, you kept it.”
“Of course I kept it.” He said, nervously
staring away from her. She smiled, but he couldn’t see it as his eyes focused
on his lap. Joey looked over at the glasses of soda. She picked them up and
handed one out to him.
“To us.” She said, holding hers up in front of
herself. He cautiously did the same. “May we always be in each other’s lives as
much as we’ve been in each other’s hearts…”
Pacey looked at her dumbly. Her smile faded as
she stared into his eyes.
There it was again…that thing that seemed to
steal away his spirit.
“Pacey?” She whispered, dropping her glass
back to the table.
He shook his head, swallowing hard. Joey took
it upon herself to reach out to him. He started to pull away as she wrapped her
arms around him, but then he just froze as if paralyzed.
Was it fear? She didn’t know. Why would he
fear her?
Joey sighed as she finally felt his body
slump.
He felt so thin…and so tense and hunched up.
She didn’t let go, she wouldn’t. Not until he atleast hugged her back.
Slowly he finally melted into it.
He shook his head desperately as Joey’s lips
started towards his. She looked him in the eye, caressing his face, and then
leaned in, actually kissing him this time.
He was rigid at first, as her warm lips felt
their way over his, but gradually he started to kiss her back. She pulled
herself over his lap and started kissing him deeper and deeper.
She lost herself in him when suddenly glass
shattered.
Joey looked over, startled to see that Pacey
had been holding his glass so tightly that it had burst in his hand.
“Shit!” He winced.
Fresh warm blood seeped to the surface of his
skin and Joey sat up.
“Oh my god! You’re bleeding!”
“It’s okay!” He said quickly, grabbing his
wrist with his free hand to stop the flow.
She jumped up and went to the kitchen, looking
for something, anything, a clean rag, to clean him up with. She found one in a
drawer and wet it in the sink before coming back to him and kneeling on the
floor before him.
He just sat there clutching his wrist, holding
it straight up in the air parallel to his body as the blood ran over his
fingers and down his forearm beneath his sleeve. Joey took his arm and pulled
his hand to her as she inspected it. She wiped away at the blood. It didn’t
come back up so fast.
“Its just a surface wound,” She said, wiping
the rest of the blood away. “I think you’ll be fine…no stitches…” She started
up again, and pulled him to his feet. “Where’s the bathroom?” She asked.
“Through there,” He pointed.
She led him through the door, through his
bedroom, and into the small bathroom, flipping on the light. She turned on the
water in the sink and gently took his hand and held it underneath.
“Ow!” He winced as the water ran over the
cuts, surprisingly stinging far worse than he’d expected.
She smiled up at him.
“Take a seat,” She said, dropping the toilet
lid. He followed her directions. She popped open the medicine cabinet before he
could protest, and not even paying to the medications inside, pulled out some
peroxide and gauze. “Now…compared to the water, this is really going to sting,”
She took his hand, holding it over the sink,
and after peeling back his sleeve a bit, poured the peroxide over it. He jerked
away hard as it bubbled into the wounds.
“Jeez,” She teased at his expression. “When
did you get such a low tolerance for pain?”
He didn’t answer, but instead just sat there,
biting his bottom lip as he stared at the cuts.
After a second, she dabbed it with some toilet
paper and wrapped it in the gauze. She let him take his hand back, which he
held protectively in his lap. Again, she kneeled down before him, briefly
kissing his forehead, then looked up into his eyes. “You’ve got blood all over
you!”
She smiled, taking his arm one more time, and
began tugging up the sleeve. His eyes followed hers down to his forearm.
“No!” He cried. But it was too late.
“Pacey!”
She was baffled. She looked up at him, her
expression wide and confused. “What’s…?” She ran her fingers over his skin.
“What is this?”
Pacey stared down at the scars helplessly.
“Pacey?”
“Joey…”
“Pacey! Tell me!”
“Jo…” He looked so scared. Her eyes were huge
and frightened, as frightened as his must’ve been. He shook his head sadly, but
she nodded pleadingly. She wanted to know, she had to.
He started to tremble, and his voice was but a
hoarse whisper.
“Jo…I’m a…I’m a recovering heroin addict.”
Her heart broke.
“What?” She asked in a strangled sound from
her lips.
“I’m a…a…a heroin addict.”
“But Pacey…?”
He hid his eyes from hers. He was shaking
almost violently now, and she let go of him.
“I…” She didn’t know what to say.
He was fighting back tears. He didn’t want to
cry. She knew that.
She stared at him for what seemed like hours.
How could this have happened? How could this
have happened to him? She couldn’t fathom… But then there
were the track marks, as plain as day. As plain as…
Her love for him.
She finally got over herself and took him in
her arms. He jolted up when she reached around him, startled by her actions,
but he shrank against her.
Everything was dead silent.
Joey just held him for a few minutes, rocking
him gently.
“What can you tell me?” She finally said,
still kneeling on the floor in front of him. He shook his head.
“I…I…” He looked away frustrated. He sighed
guiltily. The words would not come easy.
“Take your time,” She said, smoothing the hair
back on his head. “I just want to try to understand.”
“I don’t think I can understand myself.”
“Are you clean now?”
“Mostly,” He sighed. “I mean, I don’t use, but
I have to take Methadone twice a week. I go to a clinic and they give it to me.
It’s better now,” He was trying to offer her something positive. She looked so
sad, so disappointed… “I don’t have to take it as often.”
She nodded her head slightly.
“…I was taking it seven times a week, that was
at it’s worst, the withdrawals…but now. Only twice.”
“That’s supposed to wean you off of it, right?”
She asked.
He nodded.
“Does…does it hurt?”
“Sometimes.”
“And how long have you been struggling with
it?”
“A little over three years.”
“God.”
Joey sunk back on her heels. A little over
three years…that’s right after…
Pacey could tell what she was thinking.
“It wasn’t your fault.” He said quickly.
“Don’t think you had any part of this. It was me, all me!”
“Don’t.” Pacey said quickly. Joey stared at
him. “Please don’t try to imagine it…it’s…I don’t want you to know what it’s
like.”
She swallowed hard, fighting the knot in her
throat.
“Is there…is there anything else?” She stared
down at the gauze on his hand. The blood had started to seep through. She
stared at it cautiously.
“Like HIV?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“I’ve tested negative three times...” Joey
almost sighed in relief. “…I’ve got the paperwork to prove it.”
“I wish…” She placed her hand over his knee
and almost started to cry. “I wish I could’ve been there for you.”
“Don’t.” He said again, shaking his head. “You
couldn’t have helped me anyway. Only I could help myself.”
“Are you getting better? Are you really?”
“I think so.”
Another moment of silence passed. Pacey
started to grow nervous again.
“Look, Jo… I understand if you can’t see me
anymore. Don’t think you---”
“Pacey,”
“I…I know. It’s too bad, too terrible to-”
“Pacey.” She leaned forward and put her finger
to his lips, hushing him. He was quiet as she fingered the dry blood on his
sleeve. He didn’t say a word as she slipped her arms around his waist and
started to lift his sweater over his head. And he was breathless as her mouth
caressed his bare chest, making her way up his throat, to his jaw…and then is
chin… then his mouth.
She stood and started the shower, hot steam
rising through the air. He stared at her simply as she started to undress
herself, her eyes never moving from his.
~O~
Pacey woke up at eight o’clock like clockwork.
He sat up with a jolt, last night’s memories flooding back into his head.
The little light illuminating his room was from
the sunlight that filtered through the thin window in the wall over his bed. It
was the only room in the apartment with a window, and sometimes, when the sun
actually was out, he’d just lay there for hours staring at the reflections on
the opposite wall.
He looked around the empty bed. Joey was gone.
He looked down at his gauze wrapped hand. She
had rewrapped it after their shower, and he sat trying to remember the way her
fingers lingered over him when she did it. He couldn’t remember it clearly though.
He looked down at the scars on his arms and remembered how she had rubbed them
over and over and over again as they laid in his bed in the dark after making
love for the first time in almost four years.
For some reason he remembered that all too
well…the way she stared at them, his track marks… He wished if anything, he
could forget that part. But he wouldn’t.
He looked around sadly. His bed had never felt
emptier.
He slowly lowered himself back down on his
pillow and stared at the reflections on the wall. It always reminded him of the
waters of the creek back home.
That stupid creek, he
thought. Never had he ever guessed he could miss that creek so much. But that
creek was a part of him, and his life, and it always would be. It was the starting
part, the heart, of so many things.
And for him, so much pain.
He glanced at the spot where Joey had lain all
night beside him.
He already missed her again. But he felt very
lucky that he had been able to have at least this one last chance with her. He
never thought he would have it, and he knew he never would again, so he
recalled it over and over in his mind trying remember the details, trying to
store it away as best as he knew how so that there would be no regrets. He
couldn’t afford to regret anything.
Not ever again.
He grew tired.
Pacey closed his eyes, and gave in to more
sleep.
“Wake up…”
“Huh?”
“Wake up…I have a surprise for you.”
Pacey’s eyes fluttered open. In only twenty
minutes he’d fallen into a deep sleep and he hadn’t even heard her come in.
That’s how it was for him. With addiction, sleep was always deep. He couldn’t
remember ever dreaming either…
He yawned as he sat up, scratching his head.
Joey was sitting on the edge of the bed
dressed professionally for her first day at her new job. Pacey watched her
curiously.
“You came back.”
“I wasn’t going to leave without saying
goodbye,” She laughed. “Look! I brought you a surprise!”
He looked over at the pink bakery box sitting
on the empty side of the bed.
“Bagels?”
“Yes! And…?”
“And fruit?”
“Yes! And…?”
“And…?”
Joey grinned at him mischievously.
“Coffee.” She answered, lifting from the floor
a cup holder with two tall cups of gourmet coffee. “I borrowed your keys and
slipped out early so I could go home and change. I didn’t want to wake you…”
She handed him one of the cups. He took it but then set it aside on the
nightstand. “…so I thought that I’d surprise you and bring you breakfast. What
do you say when I get off work today, we have a nice long dinner…so we can
talk…about us?”
“Joey…Don’t, I don’t know…” He took her cup
from her hands and set it on the nightstand too. Then he took her hand, and
rubbed it with his own. “Joey…this is more complicated than you think. Things
can get really complicated with me, and I don’t expect you to---“
“Pacey, I’m not going anywhere,” She frowned.
He looked surprised. “But Joey---“
“But Joey, nothing. You kicked me out of your
life once already, and I just let it happen. I vowed to myself if you ever let
me back in, I wouldn’t let it happen a second time.”
“But Joey…I’m sick.” He looked away, self
consciously rubbing his arm. “I’m weak…I’m, I’m not as strong as I used to be.”
“Yes, you’re sick, Pacey. We’re all sick in
our own way... But don’t say you’re not strong. You are. Otherwise you wouldn’t
have gotten this far.”
“But I have so much farther to go.”
“And I plan to be here.”
“I don’t need a nurse, I don’t want you to
have to take care of me.”
“Who says anything about me being a nurse?”
Joey said gruffly. “And maybe I want you to take care of me.”
“Me??? Take care of you???”
“Yeah,” She softened up. “Without you who
would I look forward to coming home to?”
“Joey…” Pacey said, reluctantly smiling. “I’ve
been taking baby steps…I can’t take a leap like this,”
“So, maybe we take baby steps too.”
Pacey looked at her incredulously then looked
around at the disarrayed sheets.
“And so we’ll skip the rules about hopping
into bed! That doesn’t count anyways.”
Pacey laughed. He shook his head at her. “Oh,
Joey…”
“Pacey,” Joey said, her tone more serious. “I
know you’ve got a lot more pain to face, and I can’t stop it. But I know I can
be there to see you through it.”
“Joey,” His voice cracked.
To save him from crying, and to save herself,
she leaned forward and hugged him tenderly. They both took in deep breaths at
the same time. As Pacey exhaled, he held her tighter.
“I love you,” He managed.
“I love you too.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
Joey smiled. “Me too.”
THE
END