Behind Your Eyes

Author: Lindsay Ince [chicago_heat@hotmail.com]
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, not mine, blah, blah, belong to Joss. Oh I’m just not in the mood for a witty yet sarcastic disclaimer today.
Archive: http://www.stas.net/blurred
Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive.
Rating: R
Spoilers: Angel Season 2 and Buffy Season 5.
Summary: Someone is trying to talk sense into Angel.
Authors Notes: Improv #4: moist, pure, escape, fist, grace. Rune – for beta-ing thanks. You’re a gem!
Feedback: If you have a moment, I’d like to know your thoughts. Suggestions always welcome!

----------------------------------

The dark slowly dissolved outwards. The black gave way to color. It was like an awakening from a coma, a splash of cold water first thing in the morning. A shock that gave an almost physical sensation. The landscape in front of me is pure peach, the purity of it is almost blinding. I know its an illusion, it’s something I’ve never experienced before yet is all too familiar to me. It’s grace as she moves, turns over and sighs in her sleep. Gold meets peach as her silky hair brushes over her shoulders, its like magnifying part of a painting by one of the masters. Its not the overall picture that matters, it’s the detail. But in this domain I’m the master, I’m in control. As always, in real life I’m not. I’m vulnerable, subject to her every whim and wish. Not here. Not here. You’re the defenseless one, I’m in control. My desire for her goes deeper than yours, its pathetic, the way you fantasize, keep your emotions bottled up.. So false, so unbelievable. But I know you, the way you know her. I know you better, I know its all an act. You feel the way I do, you want her the way I do. You want to escape your bonds and take her the way I used to. Innocence. That’s the façade you like to display. Your innocence, her innocence. It doesn’t matter, its all a lie. You might not be able to live with what you’ve done, just as she might not be able to live with it, but in the end its all irrelevant. You are what you are, and you can’t change it, no matter how hard you try. You won’t win, you’ll never win, you can never defeat me.

When I touch her, I feel your envy. You feel the warmth of her skin just as I do, the flush of red as her circulation fuels her desire. The relief I feel at our contact is denied you. She doesn’t deny you, she never would, but I feel it, so you deny it to yourself. It’s all about balance. You on one side, and her on the other. I’m between you both. Your connection and the obstacle. I always came between you. It was simple, it was safe. But now the lines are crossed. She’s on your side now. It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t always have to be this way. All it takes is a decision from you, and you can both be on the same side properly, without the confusion, without the reproach. Let me take over, I can take away the pain. You can’t hide it from me. I’ve seen you bang your fist against the desk when you’re angry and frustrated. In the dark, always in the dark. You’ve been in the light, you’ve seen it and felt it, and what did it get you? A one-way ticket back to midnight, did you ever wonder why? Because it’s where you belong. You belong in the dark. You belong to me. Why deny your destiny, and it is your destiny. You spend your life wrapped up in your regrets. It’s not worth it. It’s bullshit. She’ll spend her life feeling her pain. That’s bullshit. Just fuck her and be done with it. Let me take over in the heat of passion and make you both whole again. A part of each other. Deep down you know its what you want. What you’ve dreamt about. A drumbeat sounds beneath that layer of flesh in front of you. Remember the irregularity of it through fear? The thundering of it in your brain and your ears, until it’s the only thing in your world, and you take it away. The first taste as your fangs slip in the jugular. There isn’t a sensation like it in the world. It’s indescribable.

I would have kissed her long before now. But no, I’m impotent, castrated by your fucking soul. So high and mighty, holier than thou. So all I can do is rail against it, for all the fucking good it does, and sit inside you, watching her sleep. I’m a demon and this is what I’ve sunk to. Trying to persuade some fucking half-breed to bite a human bitch. Am I that desperate? I need to feed, feel those desires again. You can’t share this. You never will again. You remember it, but you’ll never really feel the power of it, the bond, the freedom. I want to make her, to make her strong. To initiate her, as she did with me. To the changes in the world, the new life. To be in control. I watch her sleep, feel what she’s become, and it sickens me. She had…potential. She was so powerful, her beauty, her grace. I watch her sleep, and see the shadow of what she once was. She knows it, that’s worse. She feels the pain, the suffering in her soul and it creates fear in her. She’s weak and she’s vulnerable. It’s something I never thought I’d see. Disconcerting. Pathetic. That she should come to this. I hate her, what she is, what she stands for. I want to make her, and you’re standing in my way. You’ll pay for everything you’ve done to me one day. You think you know suffering? I’ll make you suffer in ways you never dreamt about. I’ve had a long time to think about it. You deserve everything you’re going to get after what you did to her. What you’ve created.

But now is my time to be watchful. The purity of her evil will consume you both one day. Right when you’re not expecting it. You can’t resist her now, you have no self-control where she’s concerned. It will destroy you and everyone you love. And after all that, I will remain, and so will she. Make no mistake about that. Her eyes are moist now her conscious surfaces again. The pain. The guilt. Her eyes are afraid as she looks up as us.

‘Angelus?’

‘I’m here Darla, go back to sleep.’

I watch as you smooth her hair. You stroke it to relax her so she will give in to the dark once more. Fool. You don’t see it. It came so naturally you didn’t notice. You answered to my name. Always the gentleman. You might not listen to me now, but you will eventually. When you do, revenge is sweet. Because dear boy, when you do give in, I’ll save her. Not like you will. Save her soul? Oh no, not a creature like her. A soul within her is an abomination. It will be eradicated, for she is a creature and she always will be. You know it, deep inside you. You know it because you know me. You are Angelus, just as she is Darla. When the time comes you don’t remember who you were before the demon, that’s when you’re lost. And you will become a monster. You will become me. For now, until you both escape, Angelus watches, behind your eyes.

Email the Author!