You Don't Know What I Feel

Author: Jacinthe K
Category: Romantically-tinged-C/A-angsty-character-stuff
Rating: PGish
Disclaimer: I'm a mere fanfic writer. I have no money- I do this for love alone. (Oh yeah- and they're not mine)
Distribution: Wherever. Just let me know.
Spoilers: up through Epiphany
Summary: Angel and Cordelia drive to Joyce's funeral. Conflict and conversations ensue.

Comments: I've been out of it for a while, because I am VERY busy with school. I've been nicklel-and-dimeing this one in my spare time for weeks now, and its finally done (-yay). Its not beta-read, and frankly, I've been so exauhsted while working on it, I wasn't even sure it was good enough to post. But what the hell- here it is! Let me know what you think.

**The song is "Why" off of Annie Lennox's "Diva". I ordinarily don't do songfics, but I really love this song, and I thought it fit. I hope you all agree-- and I hope I can forgive myself. ;-)**

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**How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey, this kind of trouble's only just begun...**



There was no moon at all tonight, and it was very dark. The only light came from the headlamps of the few cars that managed to pass them. The traffic on the highway was scant, so they sat mostly in the darkness, staring straight ahead, as if they could somehow see their destination.

Angel was driving too fast, he knew. It would be inconvenient to get pulled over, but it was late and he didn't think it would happen. Besides, there were benefits to a vampire's senses- he was able to spot a CHP long before they could spot him. Still, it wasn't safe to be driving like this, not with Cordelia sitting beside him. But she too was in a hurry, and she wasn't complaining.

In fact she wasn't talking at all. The only sounds in the car were the soulful wails of Annie Lennox pouring from the rear speakers. Cordelia had insisted that it sounded better that way, from the back. Angel, at this point, would do anything to make her happy.

He should have known she wouldn't forgive him so quickly. The initial enthusiasm of his return died with that demon in Topanga. After a long discussion, the crew eventually decided to let him work for them on a trial basis. They weren't making it easy for him either. Cordelia had been hurt the most by his behavior, and therefore has been the hardest on him. Then the call came about Joyce, and she was pretty torn up about it. When Angel offered to let her ride down to the funeral with him, she readily agreed. It wasn't as if she had any other way to get there.

Angel consciously had to relax his grip on the steering wheel as he thought of Joyce. It was all so senseless. She was a good woman, a good mother. Buffy must be devastated. He pressed the accelerator a little farther, and the car sped forward.




**I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me... Why...**



Cordelia stared out the window into the inky black. This was such a pretty drive in sunlight, but they were in a rush to get to Sunnydale, and Angel couldn't drive during the day anyway. He would've had to hide under a blanket the entire time. She gave a small, humorless smile at the thought of Angel's discomfort. It would've served him right, in any case.

She was still stinging over his betrayal, and she had no intention of just letting it go. If he wanted to make it up to them, he'd have to do it in spades. To his credit, he was taking it humbly in stride. He had yet to refuse any of the menial, tedious tasks Cordelia had set him to. The closest he came to rebellion was when she made him take over toilet-scrubbing duty. Even then, after the initial look of shock and distaste, he acquiesced.

Somehow none of it made her feel any better. There was a small part of her, deep in the recesses of her mind, that wondered if Angel's defection had somehow been her fault. Logically she knew this was ridiculous. Angel had hardly been aware of her existence after Darla showed up. If anyone was to blame it was Wolfram & Hart. But still, it seemed that so many people she cared about had abandoned her in one way or another. Maybe it *was* her. After all, no one loves a bitch. She'd been pretty bitchy to Angel lately... Cordy gave herself a mental shake. No, it wasn't her fault! How could she be responsible for a vampire's hang-ups?

He's a bastard anyway. She hadn't wanted him to come back at all. Who knew when he'd flip out again? But Wes and Gunn talked her into giving him a second chance.

And so here they were, together, alone, and heading to Joyce's funeral. Cordelia's gut twisted a little when she thought of the tragedy. She tilted her head against the cool glass of the window. Joyce was so nice, and such a great mom. She always did all those little things a mom is supposed to do, and Cordy had always looked at Buffy with a little envy because of that. Now Joyce is gone- just like that. Buffy's all alone now. No, she's not- she has Dawn, and Giles, and the scoobies. But still, it's not the same...




**I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking...**


Angel glanced over, as if sensing her shift in mood. Cordelia was curled up in the passenger seat, arms hugging herself, resting heavily against the side window. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Ah, it's probably not a good idea if you lean against the door like that," he said. Without moving, Cordy shifted her eyes over to him.

"Why?" she asked flatly.

"Well, the door could open. You could fall out," Angel answered lamely.

"The door's locked, Angel," she replied.

Angel didn't know how to respond, so they remained quiet for a few long moments. Then he broke the silence again.

"Um, Cordy, do you need to talk about it?" he asked awkwardly.

"I'm not in the mood to talk," was her answer.

"Well, I am," Angel stated. When he got no argument from Cordelia, he spoke again. "I keep thinking how unfair it is, what happened. Joyce never did anything to hurt anyone, at least nothing I know of. She didn't deserve to die young. It's not right."

Cordelia turned her face away, but said nothing.

"And Buffy," Angel continues, "Buffy must be out of her mind! She was so very close to her mother, and now... now all she has is an absent father and Giles, who, swell as he is, is no replacement. And she has Dawn to take care of now. Poor Dawn..."

"Poor Dawn, and poor Buffy," Cordelia whispered brokenly. The window steamed up a little from her breath. "They're all alone, to make they're way in a very big, very bad world."

Angel looked towards her, concerned at the sudden raw tone in her voice. "They'll be ok, Cordelia. They're hurting now, of course, but they have support, and they'll get through-"

"Is anyone ever ok after something like this?" Cordelia cut Angel off mid-sentence. "To lose a parent while still so young- isn't that the worst thing that can happen to a person?"

"I don't know, I..."

Cordelia sat up swiftly and gazed directly at Angel. "I wonder if any of those lawyers had kids?"

Angel jerked back physically, as though he'd been sucker-punched.

"I'm sure some of them did," Cordelia continued, without missing a beat. "Sure, maybe they were evil, demon-worshipping parents. Maybe the kids would be better off without them. But who are we to say? I mean, maybe they were great parents... or maybe they were imperfect, but their kids loved them anyway? What do you think Angel?"

Angel sat totally still for a moment, staring at the road, his emotions knotted up painfully in the pit of his stomach. Finally he spoke quietly.

"Honestly, I think that any children those lawyers had that were lucky enough not to be sacrificed to the senior partners would probably be far better off in foster care."

"How can you know that? Maybe those lawyers came home from the office every day and spent quality time with their children. Maybe they sent them to the best schools, provided everything their hearts could desire. Maybe, as flawed as they were, they loved their kids! Maybe those kids will be missing that love for the rest of their lives!" Cordelia's voice was becoming shrill and hysterical.

"Cordy... calm down," Angel began.

"Why should I? Why the hell should I? You don't even care what you've done!"




**Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me... Why
Tell me... Why**



"Of course I care." Angel whispered raggedly. Again, silence filled the car.

"You care now." Cordy answered flatly. As she spoke, she she tried not to see the tortured expression on her friend's face. She wanted to believe he deserved this, that she was delivering the penance he so desperately needed. She took a deep breath, steeling herself, and sniped at him again.

"I fail to see how your remorse or your 'epiphany' will help those children."

Angel suddenly turned the steering wheel, and the car cut swifly over three lanes of traffic onto the rough shoulder of the road. Cordelia shrieked as the horns of other commuters blared. Her seat belt kept her in place as the car came to a hard stop.

"What are you trying to do?" Cordelia cried. "Kill me?"

"The question is, what are *you* trying to do?" Angel turned to face her. "I assure you Cordy, I'm remorseful, ok? What I did was wrong, and I'm sick about it. But I've got to be honest here: what I did to those lawyers, and anything I did after that? Not a drop in the bucket compared to the atrocities I commited as Angelus. I know what true evil is, Cordelia. I'm quite intimate with it in fact. Believe me- because I've been around a lot longer than you- if I inadvertently relieved some small children of black-hearted parents it would be considered a kindness, NOT an evil act. And not so long ago, YOU would have been the first to agree with me!"

Cordelia's eyes widened, but she didn't say a word.

"What's going on with you, Cordy?" Angel asked, his voice softening. "I know you're still furious with me, and for good reason. But I think that there's more to this than that. You've been acting really odd since we heard about Joyce- more than I would expect from hearing of the death of a friend's mother. So what's up?"

"The only thing that's 'up' is that you abandoned us!" Codelia spat. "That really sucked, Angel. I'm supposed to be your link... the visions just kept coming, and you weren't there to take care of it. I trusted you! I believed in you! And then you left, just like everyone else. That just proved how stupid I was to think you were any different. Now I know better. Now I won't expect too much from anybody."

Angel frowned a little. "'Everyone'?" he queried. "Who are you talking about? Wes and Gunn stuck by you. In fact they're quite devoted to you..."

"It's not the same!" She blurted out without thinking. "Wait- what I mean is... Wes and Gunn are great. But it was in their best interest to stick around. Let's face it, neither of them are in great demand on the job market. But you're right, they did stick by me. Unlike others."

"You're talking about me...and Xander," Angel said. Then a sudden realization hit him. "AND your parents! Cordy, when was the last time you heard from them?"

Cordelia was quiet for a moment, trying to decide what to say. Finally, she settled on the truth.

"Last year Mom called to tell me they were leaving the country. She didn't say so, but I guess they had some money stashed somewhere. Anyway, I haven't heard from them since. I don't know where they are."

"My God, Cordy, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. At least they're alive."

Angel shook his head angrily. "Sure, they're alive... having abandoned their teenage daughter to a dangerous city, with no money or resources! What kind of people would do that?"

"Hello?" Cordelia interjected sarcastically. "Isn't that what you did?"

Angel had the grace to look embarrassed. He reached out tentatively to touch her hand, his expression grave.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

She didn't jerk away. She wanted to, but she just couldn't. This was the Angel she had devoted herself to. This was the Angel who literally changed her life. This was the Angel she cared for so deeply it hurt, and she had missed him terribly. Silently she sat, allowing herself to enjoy the feeling of his hand on her skin. Against her better judgement, she slowly lifted her gaze to meet his. The regretful and sympathetic look in his eyes did her in. She couldn't swallow the sudden lump in her throat, and to her horror a sob, and then tears, emerged.



**This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead...**



It seemed like Cordelia crumpled in slow motion. Angel swifly undid her seat-belt and pulled her to him as the sobs began to rack her body. She cried noisily, wetting his shirtfront, but he didn't mind. He held her firmly against his chest, feeling her warmth against his cool body.

He was filled with pity for her, but knew better than to tell her that. Cordelia Chase would not want to be pitied. So he just held her, his eyes closed, thinking of all the ways he was going to make this up to her. He would take the place of the family that abandoned her. Together, along with Wes and Gunn, they'd change the world. Not for his humanity, but because it was the right thing to do.

"Cordy," he whispered into her hair, "I want you to know that I admire you- alot. You're intelligent, loyal, and possibly the most courageous person I've ever met. I'm going to do everything I can to regain your trust, and I swear, I won't take you for granted again."



***This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head***



Cordelia sniffled as she pulled away from him. She looked up into his face, studying it minutely.

"How can I be sure? How do I know that you won't flip out the next time you see Darla, or Lindsey, or anyone, and leave us alone again? Because, I'll tell you something, I don't think I can handle it. I don't want to be alone with those visions, Angel! I feel so alone..." Cordy broke off, breathing deep, trying desperately to regain her composure.




**And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel**



"You're not alone," Angel replied softly. "And I swear I'm not going to leave you alone again. I know it's hard, but if you can just trust me for a little while, I swear, I'll prove myself to you again."

Cordy was watching his face so closely. He hoped she could see how much he meant those words. He wanted so desperatly to close the chasm that had developed between them, to make everything like it was before. Finally, she gave him a tiny nod, and the smallest of smiles.

Angel replied with a smile with his own. Maybe it wasn't a perfect, but it was a place to start.


**You don't know what I feel**


END