Honestly Drunk
Wife: When you drink Indian i.e. desi and come home, you call me 'Rani.' When
you drink English, you call me fairy.
What have you drunk today that you are calling me a witch?
Husband: I am not drunk today, sweetheart!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife,
"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than
I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided
that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says,
"OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for
dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because
the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's
still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks
and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car
is new or the wife.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Bachelors should pay more taxes, they enjoy a better quality of life.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering
A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted. The wife became pregnant, and delivered a baby
boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. 'I cannot possibly be
the father of that hideous child,' he said to his wife. 'Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered.' When his wife blushed, he became suspicious.
'Have you been fooling around on me?' he demanded. His wife confessed: 'Not this
time.'
Wishful Thinking
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over and made a wish and
threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, 'It really works!'
Cash, Check, or Charge
'Cash, check, or charge?' the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet,
the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
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