Come and Gone Weiß Kreuz Crawford / Nagi Written to Hoobastank's song Remember Me Lyrics are in italics by Tendai tendaikudou @ yahoo . com Archive: Probably, but write and ask me please ^^ C&C: Very much welcome so long as it's not flaming~ ~ This fic..took me a while to write XD Why? Because for a long time I didn't know who the song that inspired it was by, so for a long time I would have to hear it in my car and then run home to write while the ideas it gave me were still in my head. Once I figured out that the song was by Hoobastank and I got it from a friend, things went a lot faster. This is the first piece of fanfiction I ever wrote that I actually liked and that other people liked. The one thing people have had to say so far is that Nagi's parts sound a bit scripted - there's an explanation for that, but the piece that explains it has been shoved down close to the bottom in the list of fics I need to finish. Eventually it will be done and everything will make more sense XD As much as it ever does where I'm concerned, at least. Anyhow, I have to thank some of the writers of Weiß Kreuz fanfiction who have inspired me. I could go on about which fics are my favourites, but since I already have a problem with rambling in pre-fic comments, I'll just list them: Paxnirvana, Wiggle, Talya Firedancer, Kuwabara no Miko, Jacques Koh, Aoe, and a number of others whose names I'm just not remembering now. And, of course, thank you to the players of Brad, Schuldig and Aya in our Weiß rpg. ~ I stand here face to face With someone that I used to know; He used to look at me and laugh. But now he claims That he's known me for so very long; But I remember being no one. He couldn't help noticing that his hand was shaking where it gripped the doorframe. It seemed such a small, pale thing sticking out of the end of his uniform sleeve. Delicate and frail where it clung to the dark wood frame, it supported him where his legs would not. Sure that his face matched the pallor of his hand, Naoe Nagi swallowed and fought the urge to glance away, to turn his gaze away from the man standing in front of him. "What do you mean, you missed me?" That was all he could say at the moment. Months after the fall of Schwarz, months after Estet's headquarters had come down around their ears and Brad Crawford chose now to show up at his door? He knew his eyes were huge, knew they must be blue pools against the white slenderness of his face but he couldn't help it. He'd figured the rest of them were happy in their new lives - after making sure everyone was alive he'd simply gone about his own life and pretended it was easy. "...I believe it's fairly self-explanatory, Nagi." Crawford's calm voice cut through his confusion and he looked away finally. This felt so strange. Why couldn't the rest of them have just stayed away? They had in the beginning, and it had hurt, to be alone like that for the first time since Crawford brought him in off the streets. But the pain had faded away after a while. And then now, just as he was getting used to it, the man showed up again. He could remember that first meeting so well, the gentleness of the man's hands against his body as they checked for bruises and other marks. It had been after a particularly nasty trick that the precog had found him, lead to the out of the way alley by the gift. It had been the day of his rebirth, when he was taken off the streets. The precog had been his role model from that point on, though he never would have said so. The other two came, and he tolerated them on the edge of his existance, but for him Crawford was everything. He'd tried to emulate the older man, tried to be the perfect small version of the too-serious leader they all semi-hated. All of them but him. Love wasn't the right word, or maybe it was. He'd clung to Crawford because Crawford was his savior, because the man was everything that was safe, even in the messed-up world of Schwarz and Estet. But he'd been met with coldness, and that businesslike attitude that had made Schuldig sarcastic had just made him withdraw further into himself. I wanted to be just like you, So perfect, so untouchable. Now you want me to be with you, Someone who used to have it all. "I understand what it means, but..why?" Why was the man at his door now? His life was just starting to become what other people called normal, he was putting his past behind him and moving on. It wasn't fair for Crawford to show up like this and disrupt his solitude! He could feel anger rising all of a sudden, spiking sharp and hot in his stomach the way it had when Tot died. It was directed at the man standing in front of him so calmly, directed at the cool look and the confidence that Nagi would just let him back into his life. "Nagi, I want you to come back with me." The sheer startlement that Crawford's statement created inside Nagi erased any irritation he might have felt at not having his question answered. He couldn't say anything, there was no way he could get the millions of questions that formed in his head at the statement's end past the tightness in his throat. His legs felt weak, and even through his anger there was this twinge of longing. A few months ago he would have leaped to follow Crawford back to wherever the man was living, he would have bolted from the door and started packing. No, he would have just gone, not caring about clothing or even his computer systems. The only thing that would have mattered a few months ago would have been the fact that Crawford wanted him. But now... "You're kidding, right?" The words sounded bitter even to his own ears, a sullen lashing-out at the other man. He forced his eyes to go cold, let any happiness he might have felt at seeing Crawford slip away until all the man would see would be a chill, blue glare. His face set, jaw clenching because he was afraid if he didn't do so that he'd open his mouth and voice acceptance of the offer. No! He was independant now, he didn't need any of other others to watch out for him. In the half-year since everything fell apart, Naoe Nagi had grown a spine and he wasn't going to let it melt away now just because he was talking to Crawford. He straightened both mentally and physically, his anger obvious despite the fact that he was still clinging to the doorframe like he would fall over without its support. Do you remember now? You acted like you never noticed me. Forget it! Cause the gone has come around, And you're not allowed to be a part of me. "...No." Why didn't Crawford say more? Why did the man pause as though Nagi's words had hurt him? One couldn't hurt Bradley Crawford, it was impossible, Nagi knew that for a fact and yet he would swear he saw hurt on the older man's face. But he couldn't give in now, he had to be cool and reserved just like he'd learned to be from the man in front of him. He had to make his eyes into glaciers and his face as cold as the reactions Crawford had always given him. The world seemed to be closing around him for a second, necessitating a tighter grip on the door before he drowned in it. His first words came as a whisper: "What do you mean, 'no'?" And then his voice strengthened, gaining power as he pulled himself out of the confusion. The outburst that came took both of them by surprise, shattering Nagi's hopes of reserved coolness and replacing it with a growing anger that was anything but cold. "You can't do this Crawford, you can't just come back here and ask me that! After all these months, after all those years the four of us were together you're not allowed to come back here and suddenly pretend that I ever mattered to you! Every time I wanted something from you I was pushed away, every gesture I made towards you was rejected. Why do you think that I should do any different now that you're on my doorstep? I won't allow this, you can't do this and I want you to leave. Any chance of us having something vanished a long time ago, when you ignored me and then recently when you didn't try to come find me. You have no comprehension of what it is to want something!" Nagi watched with wildness in his eyes when Crawford winced at his last statement. He watched and waited for a response, half-hoping and half-dreading at the same time that the man would just turn around and leave. He wanted his privacy again, wanted the security of his world. It was lonely most of the time but at least it was safe, without people like this man coming to his door to disrupt his life. "But Nagi, you did matter to me..." Crawford's voice trailed off. Did you know me? Or were you too preoccupied With playing king in your small kingdom? And now the real world Has stripped you of your royalty, And from your kingdom you're evicted. "No! I never mattered to you Crawford, none of us ever mattered to you! We were all pawns for the greater plan you always talked about, ignorant and obedient lackeys for you to order around. Nothing but your goals and your visions ever counted in your world. You were some god above the rest of us, untouchable and smug in your precious little world that you could control perfectly. Well, wake up, Bradley Crawford! You can't control me! Your world has fallen around your ears and you don't know what to do now, is that it? So you come to me seeking some solace, some help to pick up the remnants and move on with your life. Too bad. When I found myself half-dead on a beach you weren't there to help me. While I've had to survive on my own for the last half year you haven't been there to give me a hand. Fuck you, Brad." The expletive and the use of a first name took them both by surprise, making Crawford wince again and Nagi shut his mouth quickly. The rage was still there, eating at him and making him want to scream, but he wouldn't give into it because if he got emotional, he might just choose to take the offer and leave. A few more minutes of silence passed while he tried to get control of his temper and failed. Finally he looked back up at the older man, angry blue peering through dark bangs that needed to be cut. His fingers dug into the doorframe, nails scoring gouges in the wood. "You're not in your world anymore, Crawford. Your world is as dead as Estet is, destroyed from the inside because it was just as flawed as their plan was. Have you even started to comprehend that yet? Do you know yet that we're not all your puppets, existing to dance for you when you have a use for us? Learn it. This is no longer your realm, this is my world now. I took control of my life and I'm not going to sacrifice that just because you need a little comfort. Where were you the nights that I cried after Tot died? WHERE? You were locked in your office, and I had to get comfort from Schuldig, I had to endure his touching just because he would let me talk about it. He said he liked the emotions I felt. At least he was honest about it." I wanted to be just like you, So perfect, so untouchable. Now you want me to be with you, Someone who used to have it all. "I tried every day to make myself into something you would like. I wanted to be the perfect little Brad Crawford, and I nearly managed it but failed because I had feelings. My trying wasn't ever good enough in your eyes then, so don't you dare act like I suddenly mean something! You were everything, and I was given nothing in return but orders and pain! God, I hate you! Is that answer enough? No, I will never go with you. I don't want to see you again. Stay away and let the past slip away because I have plans for my life that don't involve you. A few months ago you found it easy enough to leave me behind, so go do it again." Nagi started to close the door then, not wanting Crawford to see the indecision he knew was lurking in his eyes. Everything that was emotion was screaming at him to beg for the older man's forgiveness after he'd lashed out with his tongue, telling him in no uncertain terms to fling himself into the arms that would still welcome him. But his logical mind wouldn't let him. Crawford had had his chance, and that had been enough to convince Nagi that the other man was a selfish, cold bastard who cared for nothing but his own ends. And now he'd apparently decided that Nagi was a means to one of those ends, but no more! He wouldn't be the man's willing servant any more because he wasn't a faceless member of Schwarz any more. He was Naoe Nagi, an individual with thoughts and wants of his own. "Nagi, wait!" Crawford's half-spoken, half-snarled words caught him off guard, lost in his own thoughts, and Nagi paused in the closing of his door. He stared out therough the crack of a few inches that was left before door met frame, watched as a hand pushed the door open and sent him stumbling back a few steps. He watched as Crawford stepped into his apartment and started towards him, and then he came to his senses. "Get out! You're not wanted here!" Nagi took a few frantic steps back, but Crawford had stopped. Had it been the tone in his voice? There was a desperate, pleading note to his words, a quaver that suggested tears, but there was no glitter in blue eyes to give any hint that he was going to cry. Now he stood a few meters away down the hallway that led into the rest of his apartment, arms wrapped around himself, staring at the other man and not saying anything else. Do you remember now? You acted like you never noticed me. Forget it! Cause the gone has come around, You're not allowed to be a part of me, Part of me. You're never going to be a part of me. "Very well Nagi. If that's what you want." It felt as though Nagi's soul were being ripped in two. He didn't want Crawford to walk away, he didn't want to peek out the doorway at the man's back as he retreated from the apartment. And he knew he would look, like a mouse staring helpless at the snake about to eat it. Only in this case the snake would be retreating after the stand-off, slinking away a pitiful and broken thing. Logic and emotion waged a battle in his head that made the headaches he used to get after using his powers seem childish. Mixed in was a feeling of self-disgust: How could he want this man, this man who had left so easily and who never had a kind word for him before now, to turn around and ignore his protests? "Go away Crawford. Just...go away." Nagi's voice sounded tired when he said that, but he didn't care anymore. Sometimes a person had to give into the weariness before it crushed them into nothingness. He was tired of Crawford, tired of having his past dragged up at the most inconvenient moments and tired of the guilt he felt during those times. And now to have guilt and longing, worship and pure loathing mixing together - it was unbearable. And if there was one lesson he had learned from the man standing in the hallway of his apartment now, it was to ignore the things that have that effect and move on. He spoke again, still weary, but his words had an edge that screamed loudly at the bitterness still inside: "How does it feel Crawford? How does it feel to have your own tricks turned back onto you? Once you go down those stairs and out of my sight, you aren't in my thoughts anymore. You'll fade into nothingness just like Schuldig's irritating chatter used to do for you when you were trying to work. I'll go back to my life and I'll be as happy as I can given what's happened to me in the years since my birth, and for once you'll be the one who was miserable." Silence from Crawford, and then he moved with equal noiselessness down the hallway and over the threshold of the apartment, into the main hallway beyond. He paused only when he heard Nagi speak again: "I hope you learn something from it." Do you remember now? You acted like you never noticed me. Forget it! Cause the gone has come around; You're not allowed to be a part of me. Part of me. And as the door closed quietly, Nagi heard the slow thud-thud of Crawford's footsteps moving down the hallway. ++ Anime Home Fics Home