Hitorine // Sleeping Alone Lareine Mayu Solo by Tendai tendaikudou @ yahoo . com http://bokunote.viskeimusume.com Archive: Probably, but write and ask me please ^^ C&C: Very much welcome so long as it's not flaming~ Warnings: A good deal of angst ~ From what I see, You're just one more hand me down Cause no one's tried to give you what you need. - Matchbox Twenty, "Hand Me Down" ~ In their letters, fans always tell me that they think that other people don't appreciate me enough. I suppose I've noticed at times that the other three get more letters and gifts than I do, but for some reason I never really take the time to think about it until the letters come for me. It hurts when I finally do realize it; when I look out at the audiences sometimes and realize that the people holding flowers for Mayu are eclipsed by those holding them for Kamijo, Emiru and Machi. I don't mean to sound as if I'm whining for more fan attention - I'm not, really. Sometimes when these realizations dawn on me, however, it brings up another issue that I really could whine about if I chose to: You never realize that you're alone until you see how adored the people around you are. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are people out there who love me. Even if they aren't as numerous as the ones vying for Kamijo's attention, I still notice the fans who cry out "Mayu, Mayu!" as though my name is enough to bring me to them forever. But it isn't the fans who I want to hear crying this out, as much as I love them in return. And I do love them, make no mistake of that, even if I'm not as demonstrative about it as some of the others are. No, the person who I want to hear calling out for me remains infuriatingly silent even when I feel like screaming. Wouldn't people be surprised if that happened? Silent, intense Mayu suddenly turning around to the back of the stage during a live and yelling over the music, over Kamijo singing: "I love you Machi!" The fans would love it, I think, it would be fanservice of a more romantic sort - Lareine-style fanservice. Kamijo would be furious of course, and I think Emiru would be surprised but, in the end, amused by it since he can't help but be happy when other people are. However, the question isn't how they would react, but how the person I would yell at would react. Because there's a definite possibility that Emiru would not have anything to be amused about when everything was dealt with after the initial shock. It's obvious enough who Machi wants, after all. Even the fans see it. Sometimes I go online and look at the stories people write. It's always Machi and our charismatic leader, with Emiru paired with someone else. And me? I'm always left alone, an afterthought to go into the epilogue. At times I'm given the role of silent, stoic confidante, but for the most part I'm left to brood in my loneliness. I wonder what the fans would think if they knew how close to reality they were. We of Lareine are creatures of habit. After lives, Machi inevitably disappears with Kamijo and Emiru leaves to find whatever person he's drinking with that night. I linger in my dressing room for an hour more in an attempt to escape the fact that there will be no one waiting for me outside, but eventually I have to leave before the rumour starts to circulate that I'm stranger than some people already think I am, a recluse who isolates himself in his dressing room and refuses to come out. At times I think that Machi suspects something. He is the type of person who is self-assured enough that he can tell the difference between flattering himself by thinking someone is obsessed with him and someone really spending most of their time thinking of him. He's never said anything, of course. But he has the most magnificently expressive eyes, and I've seen them slant towards me at times with a knowing look hidden somewhere within. Am I really so obvious? I tell myself the answer is no, and hate myself for the lie. ++ Jrock Home Fics Home