- A REAL lifeguard
- What else.. have you seen girls who wear those shorts with stuff written on their ass? Around here, it's "Ville," but I've also seen "hottie," "cutie," etc... Now see, here's what I should do.. I swear I'm gonna walk up behind one of these girls and say "nice ass," and if they complain I'll say "if you don't want me looking at your ass, then why the hell do you have something written there?" Is not the point of writting something for it to be read?
- What is the deal with daylight savings time !!!??? I really don't think we need this anymore, folks. As I understand it, the idea was first implemented back in.. (either World War I or World War II.. I forget which one.. I think it is the former) to increase the # of daylight hours to help contribute towards the war effort. It helped farmers and stuff. But we don't need it anymore!! What service does DST serve now except to be a pain in ALL of our asses? Also, people frequently attribtute the original idea of Daylight Savings Time to (either Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson). People attribute everything to them two !!!!!! Why don't you just worship the two of them as your gods, for christ's sake !!!
- What is up with these e-mails !?! I don't have credit card debt! I don't have a small penis.. and I DON'T have significant hair loss !! Nor did I really want this e-mail about free panties!!!!!!!
- Gee, I'd hate to own a white van (or a white truck, for that matter) right now. Everywhere you go, people would be looking at you all sideways.. giving you the one-eyed squint.. whispering "look, it's the sniper!"
- You know, I love these sliding doors here in the library. Is not the point of sliding doors.. so that you can KEEP WALKING AND NOT HAVE TO STOP!??.. One time I stood at the door for like 5 seconds (and extended my arms with palms up in the typical "what the fuck" body language stance) while the thing hesitantly opened. I frequently have to slow down for these doors as well... Don'tcha just love technology??
- Don't ask me why I find it funny when a large african-american girl walks up to me while I'm walking up to my residence hall and asks me "heyy, do you have any gum?" or when a fat girl in a red shirt asks me if I want "deez Munchos."
- I love those stories that make no sense, like that one time my math teacher told us such a story. He said: "If you all hate math so much, why would you not try, fail the class and have to take it again? Why would you want to take more of something you don't like? It's just like when I was younger... and I hated spinach.. and in my house everyone ate the same thing.. my sisters liked spinach.. but ohh I hated it, and cream of spinach, I detested...... same thing with math class.."
- I love when your parents give you one of those pointless jobs... just to be able to give you soemthing to do. "Go rake the leaves out back." "But mom, they're still fallin off the.." "JUST DO IT!!!.. Don't backtalk me".. Is that not always the argument of a parent.. when they realize they can't win an argument, it turns into "don't backtalk me," "don't be disrespectful," or "don't be belligerent." But come on.. would it not be smarter to wait until the leaves are DONE FALLING OFF THE TREES, AND THEN RAKE THEM !!?? See, it's all part of their evil plan... if they tell you to rake the leaves while they're still falling off the trees, they can get like 30 days of work out of it rather than just 1 or 2. This saves them the creativity of having to think up new chores each day.
Officially one of the funniest things I have EVER seen in my life >>>
. Put a disposable sock over his head and ate candy corn at Strawbridges in the Springfield Mall
. Told a coach to "shut up faggot"
. Crumpled up his biology homework and threw it in the trash can in front of the teacher
. Wrote a note to Mr McCarry informing him that no one took his class seriously and that he was a homosexual liar
. Proclaimed himself "The Hottest Man Alive (THMA)"
. Threw some rocks at a car and was chased through Havertown
- So, I'm here in Millersville University. They tell us the school mascot is a "marauder." When we asked what a marauder was, we were told that it is defined as a "land pirate." Now come on, how ridiculous is that. What the hell is a land pirate!! !!??! That's the whole point of pirates.. they jump from ship to ship stealing people's stuff. You're not a pirate anymore once you don't have a ship!!.. you're just a bum and a hobo!!! Land pirate my ass... (mumbles and trails off)
- You wanna know one of the stupidest things I ever did? Okay, here's the scenario. I was on a camping trip some four, five years ago.. very small troop; only a few of us. Well, late one night, we're all back in our tents.. right... and, earlier that night.. you know..we had been just messin around.. goofin off.. whatever. So very late that night.. say.. 1 in the morning, I'm in my tent, and I swear I hear the kid in the tent next to me making farting noises. So, I started making farting noises back.. louder.. and louder.. it was like we were having a contest to see who could make the loudest farting noises in the middle of the night... This continued for about half an hour.. and i started to wonder to msyelf "Gee, isn't this kid getting tired of this yet?" And then, it dawned on me... This kid wasn't making farting noises!!.. he was snoring!!! So there I was.. in a tent, in the middle of the woods.. like 2 O'clock in the morning.. making farting noises as loud as I could. My face must have just turned beet red there, in the dark, I swear..
- You wanna know something else you'd probably find amusing? I FELL INTO A FIRE WHILE WEARING A CARDBAORD BOX.. Now, remember,I can explain..
To understand why I was even wearing a cardboard box in the first place, it becomes necessary to fill you in on a little baclground information concerning summer camp staff:
As you may or may not know, during the summer, I work as a lifeguard up in a Boy Scout Summer camp up in the Pocono Mountains of NorthEastern Pennsylvania. As part of the week-long program we put on for the scouts, the first night includes an "opening campfire" inw hich the staff puts on skits, songs, cheers, etc... for the campers. Now, one of the aquatics skits was called the 'Raisin Skit" The "Raisin Skit" goes as follows: a few "raisins" (aquatics staff memebers wearing trash bags, really)(except for Dixon... crazy golden raisin) are marching in step behind a "raisin drill instructor." Now, marching out with the raisins.. but obviously out of step.. and just plain undisciplined.. is the "flake" (played by me.. wearing a cardboard box with "I'm a flake" written all over it"). However, the flake is wearing a trashbag.. which makes him a flake in disguise (disguised as a raisin). The raisin drill instructor however.. while giving his shpeal about how the raisins have to make "this here bowl of raisin bran.. the best ever," notices the ridiculous antics of the flake in disguise (me dancing around like a moron) and soon rips off the trash bag, revealing the flake for who he really is. He kicks the flake off stage saying things like "there is no room for a flake, in this here bowl of raisin bran" and "get out of here, you crazy flake!" So, I (the flake) hesitantly, but rapidly mope off stage while complaining to the raisin drill instructor "but.. I put the bram in raisin bran!" It was at this point, that I fell backwards over some rocks surrounding one of the two fire pits (the skits would take place between and slightly behind the two fire rings) and into the fire! I quickly rolled out though.. and all was okay. ha, talk about a toasted flake, huh. But anyway.. to finish the story about the skit... so, the raisins all do their little dance.. they bend at the knee while saying "we are the raisins that make raisin bran so sweet." While they are doing this, someone runs out with their hand cupped over their head.. yells "spoon!" and takes one of the raisins, kicking and screaming, off stage. This occurs about twice, until there are only two raisins left.. one "trainee" raisin, and the raisin drill instructor. So the raisin drill instructor says to his last companion :"well, it's just you and me now, Raisin.. we have to look out for each other now, if one goes.. we both go.. we're in this as a team." So, they do their little dance again, and, sure enough, the spoon comes back.. runs onto center stage... the raisin drill instructor then pushes the other raisin towards the spoon yelling "take him!!" So finally, it is only the raisin drill instructor left... and he says things like "oh goodness my oh me... I am the only raisin left.. to make 'this here bowl of raisin brain' so sweet!" And he goes about doing the little dance in a somewhat decrepid manner.. saying " I..II am the raisin that makes raisin bran so sweet." Of course the spoon runs out once more.. grabs the raisin drill instructor and, as he drags him away, says "any last words, raisin?" to which the raisin drill instructor replies 'I wish I was a Oscar-meyer Weener.." (to the tune of the song)
I went back to Bonner in late November for my brother's ring mass, right.. Afterwards I happen to run into Father Esposito (that fat litle mexican munchkin) in the lobby and I walk up, shake his hand and say "Hi Father, Matt Henderson,, class of 2002" and he says "yes, I know." (I guess he remembers me being on the Mock Trial team and stuff like that) But so them right.. he starts telling me about how much our class collected in mission money and how much stuff we were able to buy with it, he points out to me a nice wooden bench in the lobby.. and a mat just inside the front door. And I'm thinkin "wait a minute.. weren't these collections supposed to go to poor little starving children in Africa... and little South American children with no shoes!!??" (Like the ones you see on those sponso-a-child comemricals). Little kids are starving over in africa while we bought ourselves a bench to sit our asses on! And a mat!!?? The poor little kids in South America don't even have any fucking shoes! Thanks a lot little caesar!!!
Oh this class I added called Philosophies of Love and Sexualiy continues to shock me. First, we practically watch a freakin porn.. a movie whose primary theme is.. a guy who convinces his wife to have a three-way with him and another girl... the girls end up being able to pleasure each other better than the wife's sex with the husband.. putting strain on the marriage. The next week, we're analyzing works by Plato, Socartes, Aritstotle, St Paul, and Augustine! And, hey guess what... in tGreek society it was "quite common" for older men and young boys to engage in homosexual acts (particularly a particular... Clinton-esque type act... if you catch my drift). That'sa little weird, but okay. And THEN... I have to read an article on homosexuality the next class. In a particular essay, by Michael Ruse, defending homosexuality against the claim that it is unnatural. Ruse contends that "there is a large boddy of evidence" that homosexuality is "common in the animal world" and that (and now I'm quoting) "...acts of mutal masturbation, anal intercourse and so forth are common among primates" WHAAAT!!!!??!!! Whoa Whoa Whoa.. hold on.. I have to sit down a minute and get a glass of water before I pass out! That is a little too much for me to swallow at once. Since when do animals do these type of things!!?! Where the hell was I when the monkeys had theur little group-jack-off at the zoo!!??! huh!? And, so help me god, If I EVER see ass-fucking chimpanzees.. I will shoot myself in the head. My GOD. I really wanna see this "research," this "evidence" that animals do this kind of stuff. And who's the sick scientist researcher fuck who sits there and strokes his chin saying "hmm.. that gorilla is sticking his dick up that other gorilla's ass... perplexing" And you know what's even worse... Thursday night, right.. (just after I dumped soda with ice cream in it on my pants) I'm sitting there and this kid from my french class (the gay kid.. the flamboyant kid)(Brad) comes over and says "can I eat with you!!?? I hate eating by myself" and I'm like "sure" When he gets back and we're sitting there eating.. right.. I tell him about the class I have, the movie we watched, and the literature we read about love, beauty, truth, wisdom, sexuality, etc... (Which he claims would be "right up his alley" [yeah right]) and I mention the thing I read in the one essay about the animal homosexuality. Smooth as anything he says 'Oh yeah, my Grandmom's dog masturbates all the time" (in that faggy little voice of his). Trust me I laughed for like a whole minute. He was like "you didn't know animals do that!?" and acted kinda surprised. Now, come on, I could understand that animals in heat act nuts, rub up against stuff etc.. (humas do it too to a degree [shifty eyes]) But do animals masturbate to orgasm!!?? That's pretty fuckin sick if they do. Researcher: "Well, we know that bigfoot exists because we found his jizz on this tree here" But people, come on.. humans may have animal instincts but we are MUCH MORE COMPLEX THAN ANIMALS. Animals don't internalize values and have moral beliefs!!! Monkey: "Well you know, simba, I'm not going to stroke my shlong today because its against my religion" Oh Please... I think I agree with the points written in another article.. from the standpoint of Judaism.. how homosexuality is incompatible with Judaism/christianity but, more importantly, that the hetrosexual marriage ideal has been crucial in the development of western civilization and is a more positive ideal for our society. Children are best raised (and reared) in a stable, loving family with a mother and a father. When you have two mommies or two daddies.. the results can'e be good. Inevitable you end up with tomboyish hardcoe feminist army dykes or homosexual flamboyant anal-plundering men. But, seriously, kids are more likely to have reppressed anger and psychological problems if they are not raised in a stable family. The family is the fundamental unit of society.. a stable family life = a stable individual = a stable society with individuals who have morals, values, etc... You know, I have seen, firsthand, kids (well not just kids) like the ones I just mentioned. I was working at that summer camp, right.. I was teaching them First Aid, Safety Afloat, and the lake Rules on Monday. And a few of them started asking me questions.. and I soon noticed that one kid was talking with this really.. flamboyant.. feminine voice. (this is going to make me sound like a jackass but) I actually eventually sorta asked "Did you grow up with all sisters or something?" An older kid or two chuckled, but the kid just stared at me with a blank face.. and was like "no, why" (and cocked his hip). I just said "I dunno, nevermind"
Later that week, on Thursday, I had them going about fulfilling the requirement for rowing merit badge (5b I believe it is) which says "Row in a straight line for a quarter mile.. stop, make a pivot turn, and return to the starting point" It was a hectic day, really, so many kids to watch. So theer are they're out there in rowboats, right... and then, that same kid right.. yells from halfway accross the lake "Henderdude!!! Am I straight!?" (in the same flamboyant voice of course)I mumbled to myself "not at all" Actually most of them didn't row the straightest course.. and most of them ended up with partials.. because they simply ran out of time.. and didn't have the physical ability to perform some of the tasks required of them. (that's what happens when a troop says "hey, let's send all our first year campers up to the lake to take a merit badge.. hey what a great idea)(haha.. BULLSHIT). The requirements for these merit badges include lifting boats-full of water upside down to empty them out, ACTUALLY BEING ABLE TO ROW, being able to get back into a capsized boat, etc.. It really doesn't help to have a bony little 11 year old in the class who can barely even lift a canoe off the rack.. or abrely even lift a roboat (or canoe, for that matter) out of the water. And you know.. well first of all.. don't get me wrong.. I love working at summer camp, canoeing is my lifeblood.. I am really an expert at it by now.. and I love to teach it.. BUT.. there are just a lot of weird kids out there too (many of whom may have family problems.. which supports my claim that homosexual marriage with children isn't the best idea in the world)(even if you disagree with me, folks, this is meant to be comical.. not.. chauvinistic). One time, I had a kid in my canoeing class who walks up to me.. big wet spot on his bathing suit.. and says "uhh.. can I go in the water for a second.. just up to my waist.. I had a little accident" I took one look at him and was just like "(exhales air) go ahead, go! It was just weird..... and then sometiems I have really fat kids who try to take this merit badge.. and they have such a hard time climbing back into a canoe (in deep water)(a requirement for the merit badge) without swamping it. It's a shame, yet it's funny at the same time. There was a parent standing on the shore yelling things like "hey, chris (the name of the kid or whatever) remember the waterboy!?? did he give up!?? no! don't give up!" I thought that was a little strange, but okay. It was cute though.. even though I had to do like 20 t-rescues of his canoe.. BY MYSELF.. when I made a joke about it.. the kid smiled and laughed.
Also, when I was up at summer camp, I was walking up the main camp road one day, right.. up past the rifle and archery ranges.. and umm.. I hear part ofa conversation between a father and his son. The kid was like "I can't do it! I'm a failure!" and the father said "Well son, you may be a failure, but you're still my son" Haha.. what kind of parenting is that!!? Tell your 13, 14 year old son that he IS a failure. I just had to laugh to myself and shake my head about that one.
Dude, you're gettin high! That's right, folks, Benjamin Curtis AKA "Steve" AKA the "dell dude" was arrested for trying to buy marijuana on Manhattan's lower East side at 11:30 PM on Sunday 2/9/2003. The news article can be found at http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/02/10/dell.dude.arrest/index.html.
Now let me go on record as saying.. It hink this is absolutely hilarious. Liek surprise surprise, the kid's a pothead.. tell me something I DIDN'T KNOW. This just came back to bite dell in the ass, really.. they tried to go for this cool, hip, punkish type kid to be their spokesman.. and then the kid ends up being arrested for trying to buy pot! How great is that!!!
Take a good look at this picture. http://goofball51504.tripod.com//sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/memartinprom.jpg (sigh) It's my ex-girlfriend, Lauren (don't even get me STARTED on her..) and some guy she apparently took to a dance. First of all, they both look fucking stoned in the picture. Okay? Now.. the even more conspicuous thing about this photo is.. j.. JUST LOOK AT THE GUY! Take one look at his lips. It's painfully obvious that she was ALL OVER HIM! And the dance hadn't even started yet!!! (based on the daylight in the picture.. probably like May in the early evening) And people who go to the shore and SPEND THE NIGHT after the prom... don't even tell me they don't do what I think they do. And whose parents would just let their son/daughter sleep.. in a hotel.. with their date to the prom!!?? HELLO!!!! PARENTS !!!!! (Note: No, I didn't go to the senior [or junior] prom)(also note that she attends a completely different school than I did.. and this was before I'd met the girl) You know what else I've heard.. that they have proms where you can bring someone of the same sex. I don't think there should be a law against it, no, but I still think it points to... where our society may be going, as a whole.
On a related issue, people attack me when I say this, but I think if a guy is wearing a skirt, or a girl is wearing a tie, they have fucking problems. I could go on and on about this.. but if you want to debate it.. IM me and I'll talk with you. Where I went to high school, you go in.. ona dress-down day or something (I went to an all-guys catholic high school..w e had uniforms) wearing pumps and a skirt, you get your pansy little ass shoved in a gutter somewheres. My contention is not that homosexuality among consenting adults in the privacy of their homes should not be able to occur.. if you wanna do your thing and I'll do mine.. that's fine.. I have no problem with that.... but the notion that crossdressing and openly homosexual individuals will be readily accepted by their peers is nonsense (at least where I come from).
A picture of me.. (without a shirt on.. from the summer)(www.geocities.com/matt2h/matthot.jpg). I posted this on the wall outside my room, right.. and a guy from the hall just casually walks by one night.. points to the picture and objectively notes "THAT'S disgusing"
Philosophy Professor: "Okay, on the count of three, I want everybody to close their eyes and picture two people having sex!"
Oh, speaking of that Intro to Philosophy class.. here's something interesting that happened. The teacher was talking about determinism.. a philosophy holding that everything in the universe, including human actions are necessarily caused by prior events. Thus, the hard determinist would say, because we have really have no free will and because we were inevitably "caused" to act the way we did, then it follows that we cannot be held morally accountable for our actions. And the professor says he actually buys this.. and believes that we are determined (I talked with him about this in and out of class). Personally, I have a BIG problem with the concept that we are not accountable for our actions.. a BIG problem. I think that the determinists bring up an important point.. I believe that, while our environment, our psychological state, our upbringing, etc.. may play a SIGNIFICANT ROLE in our decision making.. or PREDISPOSE us to act one way or the other.. I still believe that when everything is weighed.. we still make a CONSCIOUS DECISION to act one way or another. I think determinism is worth thinking about.. and it really does make you think. But, I have a problem with the concept that no one is responsible for their actions.. I really do. So one of my friends and I agreed that I should like.. piss all over his desk and be like "aaaaaaahhh!! it was caused!" What do I think about determinism?.. oh.. whoop.. look at that.. I'm being CAUSED to give you the middle finger.. isn't nature beautiful.
A good friend of mine, John Colden, wrote the following. It is a parody of the song "Its The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." If you have put these words to the tune, I think its pretty amusing:
(note: he works at a beer distributor where he also sells lottery tickets)
It's the mooost miserable tiiiiiime of the yeeeeeear
Scrape the ice off my car
Cuz I'll have to drive far
Selling lotto and beeeeeeeeeer
It's the mooost miserable tiiiime of the yeeeeeear
It's the craaap crapiest seeeeason of allllll
Break my ass on the ice
How the HELL IS SNOW NICE???
When you slip and you FAAALLL??
ITS THE CRAAAP CRAPIEST SEEEEASON OF AAALLL
There'll be slippin and slidin
Them cars'll be gliding
And accidents, pile ups galore
They'll be snow blowers going
North winds'll be blowing
I CAN'T TAKE THIS SNOW ANY MOOORE!!
ITS THE MOOOST MISERABLE TIIIIIME
OF THE YEEEEEEEAR
Better head to the store
We're supposed to get more
DAMN THIS COLD ATMOSPHEEERE!!!
ITS THE MOOOST MISERABLE TIIIME
YES AN UNNBEARABLE TIIIME
SUCH A DIIIISPICABLE TIIIIIIIME
OF THE YEEEEEEEEAR!!!!!