Lyrics “Wake Up Sleeping,” by the Saw Doctors
Characters: Gensomaden Saiyuki (Sha Gojyo & Cho Hakkai)
Disclaimer: I don’t own the any of the wonderful bishonen of Saiyuki…I’m just borrowing them so I can torture them a bit. Don’t worry, I promise not to damage them too permanently. ^.~ Also, I don’t own the song “Wake Up Sleeping.”
Author’s Note: Well, my string of songfics continues, as you can see. As does the angst (and I was so hoping I’d outgrown that phase). Oh, and this is my first ever lime, so forgive me if it doesn’t turn out perfect.
Warnings: Language, Soft Yaoi, Lime, Angst ahead.
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I've got loads
and loads of patience
Sha Gojyo always
considered himself to be a pretty patient guy.
He may have given off the initial impression that he was a slacker, but
anybody who earned their living by gambling learned patience. There was no other way to win, after
all. Getting antsy made you sloppy, and
that’s how you lost. So, he cultivated
his patience, not only while gaming but in all the aspects of his life. He knew that good things would generally
only come to those who were willing to wait it out. But, for all that, the actions of his green-eyed companion were
wearing on his last nerve. Gojyo sat in
the back seat of the Jeep, chain-smoking, trying to decipher his friend’s recent
actions. Hakkai seemed to be doing his
level best to avoid him, and Gojyo was getting near the end of his proverbial
rope.
And I'm just as proud as you
Not that he’d ever
stoop to admitting just how much it bothered him. Gojyo still had his pride, after all. He was determined that Hakkai wouldn’t have that too. That soft gaze and lying smile had already
taken too much from him. Of course,
Hakkai never asked for anything.
Everything Gojyo had lost, he had himself given away. His independence. His heart. Those Hakkai
had almost from the first time they met, when Gojyo had found him half dead in
the rain. And then, more recently,
Gojyo had given himself to Hakkai. He
almost blushed thinking back on it.
He’d been a bit
drunk…not so much that he didn’t know what he was doing, but just enough that
he didn’t particularly care. He and
Hakkai had grown to be such good friends.
And on that rainy night, when Hakkai’s gaze turned inward with such
intense pain hidden in those eyes, Gojyo had wanted to let him forget. Forget why the rain made him so
depressed. Forget the blood that bathed
him. This is not to say his motives
were entirely altruistic…not by any means.
For Gojyo, he also wanted to be with somebody who knew him for what he
really was, who saw in him the same things he did when he looked in the mirror,
and who stayed anyway. As much as he
wanted to save Hakkai, he too wanted to be saved.
If it goes until I'm dead and gone
I won't come running on after you
But now, Hakkai
seemed to do everything he could to avoid being alone with the redhead. And Gojyo would be thrice damned before he
broke down and confronted the man. He
hadn’t initiated the action, not really.
All he did was take Hakkai in his arms, trying to offer some small
comfort. He had been kissed, not the
other way around. Of course, to be
fair, he did respond with enthusiasm.
But even though his hands seemed to have minds of their own as they had
floated along the brunette’s body, making butterfly caresses along his back and
sides, still there hadn’t been one ounce of protest. *Shit!* Gojyo swore to himself.
He wasn’t in the wrong! He
wasn’t going to break down and apologize, nor was he going to beg for more like
some dog.
But if you enjoy remembering
When you were my best friend
The worst thing
about it was that they had gone from being best friends to near strangers in
the space of a few days. Yeah, it would
have been great to have things back the way they had been…but that didn’t mean
he regretted what happened. It had been
so different than his usual one-nighters with whatever girl had caught his eye
that night. He hadn’t bothered with any
of the usual bullshit lines he used, knowing that, even half-blind, Hakkai
would see through his act in an instant.
And there hadn’t been any of those tense silences that always seemed to
happen when he realized what cold comfort an empty lay really was. No.
The silence between he and Hakkai that night had indeed been charged,
but with desire and pleasure, not with anxiety or impatience. The silence wasn’t a waiting one, rather it
was just that Gojyo felt so close to him that words weren’t necessary.
I'd really love to wake up sleeping
In your arms again
And falling asleep
afterwards, limbs still tangled together, covers pulled up to preserve that
precious warmth between them, soft breathing and heartbeats seeming to drown
out the last of the rain. Gojyo
couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so soundly. For once, there were no memories haunting
him, no nightmares to remind him of the scars on his face and on his
spirit. He remembered waking up to the
sun peeking through the window and feeling something he couldn’t adequately put
words to. He wanted to compare it to
feeling at home, but his home life was never that serene. All he knew was it was the first time he
woke up in someone’s arms that he wasn’t immediately trying to figure out how
to get away and get his own personal space back.
There was kids outside the window
On their first day back at school
As he had lay in
Hakkai’s arms, feeling his soft breathing, he could hear what had woken him in
the first place: some kids running around outside. He could hear youthful voices calling to each other as they
chased each other through the streets.
In another time, had he woken anywhere else, he would have been pissed
about being woken up. But, finding
himself in so inviting a position, he relished the chance to see his friend so
completely relaxed in sleep. He had
then shifted around gently, putting his head on Hakkai’s chest so he could hear
that steady heartbeat, as his chest gently rose and fell. As the children’s voices faded into the
distance, Gojyo closed his eyes.
The morning after our first night
Me and you alone
And there, in that
moment, it was as if only the two of them existed. Gojyo felt an echo of the bliss they had shared the night
before. That night, there had been no
effort in believing that nothing existed outside of the room they shared. They had been drowned in each other so
effectively, that the entire world could have stopped and they would never have
noticed. But even as Gojyo tried to
hold on to the belief that the rest of the world did not exist, the sun forcing
it’s way into the room brought a sense of reality. The world had not ceased to exist the night before, as he had
imagined. Still, within the small
sanctuary of that hotel room, they had been alone together.
On the second of September
I knew I'd found a friend
Gojyo lit another
cigarette from the butt of the previous one, pulling the smoke deep into his
lungs. Damn. What had gone wrong? He’d
felt so warm in Hakkai’s arms. He’d
found someone who truly accepted him that night. He didn’t have words for what he’d felt towards the brown-haired
man. “Friend” was so inadequate; and to
call him a lover would simply lump him in with the numerous women who’d shared
his bed. That declaration would have
cheapened what Hakkai was to him.
Whatever name you put to it though, Hakkai understood him. Gojyo remembered looking down at Hakkai that
night, his long hair forming a curtain around their faces, and that gentle
voice saying “Neither of us will ever really be free of this blood,” as Hakkai
reached up to run his fingers through all of that red, reminding them both of
the blood on his hands. And even after
those words, Hakkai had stayed. He saw
Gojyo’s past, and his sins, and he stayed.
I'd really love to wake up sleeping
In your arms again
Well, he had stayed
for a little while, anyway. He had
stayed the night, long enough for Gojyo to wake up in his arms and fall back
asleep. But then when he had woken
again, it was to an otherwise empty and cold bed. And everything went to shit from there. Because, looking around, he realized that Hakkai had packed up
all of his things and already taken them out of the room. This hadn’t seems ominous at the time; after
all, they were leaving that day, and Hakkai was always painfully organized
about such things. But since then,
Hakkai seemed to have gone out of his way to not be alone with Gojyo. He’d convinced Sanzo to get them all
separate rooms every time they stopped.
And whenever he tried to catch Hakkai’s eye, the green-eyed man just
looked at him with that damn smile he always seemed to wear. Shit, he looked at Gojyo the same way he looked
at the enemies they fought: with an empty smile and eyes like a brick wall.
I've never been this lonely
Gojyo couldn’t
remember ever feeling so betrayed. Even
when his “mother” had attacked him, he hadn’t felt this abandoned. He was so damn tired of this bullshit that
Hakkai was pulling. He would never have
believed that he could feel so alone with 3 constant traveling companions, if
he wasn’t already going through it.
Still, he couldn’t bring himself to talk to Hakkai about it. If the brunette was going to treat him like
a disease, he sure as Hell wasn’t going to act like some desperate idiot and
beg to be taken back.
And there's nowhere I can turn
And asking for help
from anyone else was out of the question too.
After all, who could he ask?
Sanzo? Yeah, sure, Gojyo liked
his brains in his head, not splattered on the wall. And the monk’s trigger finger was just too damn itchy for Gojyo
to even consider talking to him. And
then there was Goku. That was an even
bigger joke than trying to talk to Sanzo.
First, the kid was too young…or at least he acted like it. Second, he was too annoying. And third, he was too hung up on Sanzo to be
of any use; because Gojyo knew the minute words passed his lips they would be
relayed to Sanzo. And, well, then we
got back into the whole issue with the blonde’s fondness for his Smith &
Wesson.
But there must be strength in loneliness
The redhead
remembered being told once “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” At the time, it had seemed a stupid thing to
think, but now those words made a twisted sort of sense. After all, this incident hadn’t killed him,
and getting through this crap would, by that logic, make him a stronger person. But, fuck, he didn’t want to deal with
this. He didn’t want to have to gain
strength that way.
And lessons to be learnt
Well, if nothing
else, maybe this would teach him about getting drunk around his traveling
companions. Admittedly, he hadn’t been
truly drunk, just pleasantly buzzed, but obviously he shouldn’t let his guard
down so much. Shit like that just gets
you in trouble, obviously.
You broke my heart in smithereens
I swear it will not mend
Still…he craved that
feeling, at least one more time. That
peace. He knew he’d never found it with
anybody else, and it didn’t seem likely that he ever would. He had broken over these last days, as
Hakkai had steadfastly ignored him.
Something inside him wasn’t whole anymore, and he wasn’t convinced it
ever would be. He had given too much to
Hakkai, and now he was missing too many pieces to stay unbroken.
I'd really love to wake up sleeping
In your arms again
As they pulled into
the next town, Gojyo pulled out of his reverie to drag his stuff into the
inn. He listened with well-disguised
happiness as the innkeeper explained that there were only 2 rooms
available. He didn’t say anything,
knowing that Sanzo was already in a bad mood at the thought of sharing a
room. He simply followed up the stairs,
and dropped his bags in the room that Hakkai had chosen. He kept everything casual, as if to say that
this was the most natural thing in the world, of course he’d be staying in that
room as well. If Sanzo noticed, he
didn’t say anything. And Gojyo grinned
inwardly at the fact that this room had just one very large bed.
~*~*Owari*~*~