Lyrics: “Reaching From Nowhere,” by Milla Jovovitch

Characters: Hiei and Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho

Warnings: Very mild Shonen-ai. That’s it. No yaoi. No citrus.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics © their respective owners. Don’t own ‘em, don’t own much else either so it does no good to sue.

~Kurama’s POV~

How can I be telling you my thoughts my love
When even I don't know what I'm thinking

“What was I thinking? Inviting him into my home? Into my life?” My thoughts and feelings were all jumbled up…and I was having some difficulty straightening them out. Why did I invite him? Was it just some momentary whim, or was it something more? What did I feel for him? Compassion, certainly. That, at least, I was sure of. That was at least one reason I had left my window open each night. But I’d be lying to myself if I said that was all it was. I was comfortable around him. Surprisingly so, considering how abrasive he was, how silent, how he never let anyone too far into his life. How could I be so comfortable around someone who kept himself so private? Of course, that was part of it…because he didn’t try to be anything other than himself, I was able to be myself. The self I had to hide from my mother and all the other humans. So, I felt…what? Friendship? Well, yes, in a strange way, that was certainly the case. He wasn’t the kind of friend I would invite to the movies or to hang out with, but I knew I could count on him in a crisis, that we would have each other’s backs. Still, some part of me asks “is that all it is?” All these thoughts whirling around, and I still can’t get everything straight.

How can I explain the way your eyes
Burn into my mind, my love

I don’t know that it’s just friendship. After all, I’m friends with Yusuke (of a sort, anyway), but it isn’t his eyes that haunt my thoughts. Sometimes, when he looks at me, his red eyes seem to bore into my soul. And my thoughts turn to him when I’ve had nearly all I can bear of dealing with this human façade. Even my mother’s company, as much as I love her, grinds me down. I love Shiori, she is more of a mother to me than I can ever recall from my old life. I care for her deeply, but she loves Shuichi. She loves the fiction I created for her; she only loves half of me. Could she accept the rest of me? Could she love the youko? These are questions I don’t ever want to have to find the answers to. But…he accepts it. He accepts a part of me that even I sometimes wish to suppress. And, silent as he is, his eyes speak volumes.

For when you talk to me
I'm blind 'cause you set me free

When we talk, he never says much. But just because the words don’t pass his lips doesn’t mean he doesn’t communicate. He comes to me when he’s injured, or when the weather has gotten too harsh. And when he’s here, and we talk, I could close my eyes to everything else and still be content. I know he trusts me; he doesn’t have to say the words, his actions speak for him. He comes here, knowing that I will help him heal, and he sleeps here, knowing that I would not attack him, that I would not betray him. He lets me see him vulnerable, and that is the truest sign of friendship I have ever seen. And I know he is cold-hearted, that he has spent his life as a ruthless mercenary, a thief, an assassin. But, when we talk, it’s like I’m blind to those facts. Maybe I’ve just learned to see past them to the truth.

And you hold me and your fingers
Touching me

I bandaged his wounds again the other night. And, when he got tired of my fussing, he grabbed my wrist, telling me “That’s enough, fox.” I can’t lie to myself, when his fingers held my wrist, it sent a shock through me. What is wrong with me? What am I thinking? I can’t possibly be thinking…feeling…no. There may be desire there, but that’s it. It couldn’t be anything more. But…I’m familiar with desire. I’ve felt it enough in my life as a youko. And, well, it was never like this. But it can’t be anything else…maybe I’ve just been without…entertainment…for too long. Besides, he’d kill me if it was anything else. Desire…he may not like it, or even appreciate it, but it’s something we can both understand. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I’m about to tell him anything, but it’s handy to have an excuse. I survived as long as I did by always having a back-up plan.

What if we decide to break these walls?
This from me, the builder

I suppose it isn’t healthy to lie to myself like this. I know it’s more than mere desire (although there’s plenty of that included). I keep building up lie upon lie in my life, like bricks in a wall. And here I was thinking I could be myself with him. What if I did? What if I admitted that I care for him more deeply than mere friendship? I can barely bring myself to say it, even here in my head. But, what if I tore down the walls I’ve built? Of course, to really do that means I’d not only have to admit my feelings for him, I’d have to tell Shiori everything too. I’m not ready for that. Still…these walls were built one lie at a time. So, one truth at a time. I don’t need to take a wrecking ball to my life. I just need a little deconstruction. The truth is…I love him. There. I’ve said it. At least here, in my head, I can say that. I can admit it to myself. So, now what?

Can we give this love a fair chance?
And only cease when it fades

Do I take the next step? Do I tell him? Wait, what am I saying? His reaction will be either distain or violence…or both. This feeling should be squashed before it grows any further. Of course, I’m kidding myself to think I have any control over this anymore. It’s already gone too far for that. How did this happen? Does it really matter how? After all, I can no longer deny that it has happened. I’ve fallen in love with my best friend. The more important question now is can it work? Does he even care? And, probably one of the most important questions: is this really love or mere infatuation? Will it fade in time, or will I have to deal with possibly unrequited feelings for the rest of my life?

And when I see your face
Locked in my memory

He spends so much of his time far away from me, out in the Makai. Even if he did care, could we make it work? Thinking about him, I can see his face in my mind. Memory fills in his calm stare, the one that hides so much just under the surface. Closing my eyes, I can recreate every detail of his face, every wrinkle in his clothing. I hold these thoughts and memories close, for I recognize them as more precious than any treasure I stole in my years as the greatest thief in the Makai. I lock them in my heart, where I keep the memories of growing to love Shiori as the mother she has always been to me. All too often, these memories are all I have of him. Those, and my dreams.

And you hold me
And I'm giving up to you

Since admitting my feelings to myself I find I’m dreaming of him more often. My fondest dream is just to hold him and be held by him. I know, it seems strange to hear from a youko…that all I would want would be to be close to him. Not to possess him, not to merely use him and dispose of him. No. I wish to hold him in my arms as if he was something both delicate and precious…for to me that is what he is. I dream of being held close, for that would mean that I was something more to him than just a temporary fling. I think I would give up everything else for that. I would never want to choose between life with Shiori and life in Hiei’s embrace, because I’m no longer certain I would choose Shiori. She gave so much to me, but I can’t deny what I feel for Hiei either.

Reaching from nowhere

The brutal truth is that I don’t fully belong with Shiori. I don’t belong here in the Ningenkai. But I don’t belong in the Makai anymore either. I may once have been the greatest thief in the Makai, the deadly beautiful Youko Kurama, but that life ended when the hunter killed me. And Shuichi may be the model human son, but he’s only a part of what I am. I feel as if I am stuck in no-man’s-land, standing literally nowhere, reaching out, searching for a place to belong.

Feeling for your hands

I reach through the darkness of my nightmares, trying to find a hand to hold, someone to lead me to where I should be. And sometimes, in my dreams, it’s Shiori who leads me there. But, more and more often, it’s him. Every time I see him now I search for a sign that there might be something more. As comfortable as I feel around him, as much as his company feels like home, I search for some inkling that he sees me as anything but a friend. That, when he grabs my wrists to stop me from fussing over him he feels anything like the electric jolt that goes through me.

Screaming out your name

The uncertainty of it makes me want to scream. Scream out his name, as I have done on several nights after nightmares of finding his twisted corpse lying in some forgotten corner of the Makai. My screams echo only in my mind, for not a sound escapes my lips. The strain is wearing on me. Here I sit, frozen with indecision, unable to conquer my own pathetic feelings and unable to admit them to anyone else either. I feel myself tearing in two, and I know a decision has to be made. I need to either tell him and accept the consequences of my choice or I need to learn to ignore what I feel. Neither seems very appealing right now.

Nearing towards you

But in the end, it isn’t really a choice. I already know I can’t deny my feelings. So, I work my way deeper into his life. I get closer to him little by little. I’ll tell him…someday. Maybe. Until then, I’ll just keep him close, and do what I can to keep him safe. Do what I can to keep near to him without arousing his suspicions. And just be there for him when he needs me.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

AN: Sorry it took so long to get this next chapter up. Work is very busy right now. So, hopefully it won’t take another 2 weeks to finish the next one.

Thank you to my reviewers!

Keaira – Yay, one of my favorite authors and she likes my ficcie!

mocha cocoa – Yeah, I wanted to give Hiei a hug after that chapter too.

RurouniFan – Here’s your next chapter!