Lyrics: “I Think I Love You” by David Cassidy

Characters: YuYu Hakusho

Warnings: Very mild Shonen-ai. That’s it. No yaoi. No citrus.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics © their respective owners. Don’t own ‘em, don’t own much else either so it does no good to sue.

AN: A quick apology to all of the angst kittens who’ve been reading this…it’s about to get kind of waffy. And I think Hiei and Kurama will probably be OOC by the end, but give them a break, I’ve put them through a lot, they have a right to act a bit off.

Also, before I forget again: Much gratitude and virtual cookies to my beta readers, Hannah-chan and amitiel74. And thanks to my muse Euterpe, who makes this possible.

Finally, this: *~*~*~*~*~*~* means a point of view change.

~Kurama & Hiei~

I'm sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream

They were curled up together under the sakura tree in the park, off the path and away from people who may have disturbed them. This, to Kurama, was the sweetest feeling, having the one he wanted in his arms. He buried his face in his companion’s spiky hair, breathing in his scent. The smaller demon smelled a bit like smoke, and a bit like warm spices. The redhead could have stayed like that forever, contented in that moment. Surprisingly, it was the taciturn jaganshi who broke the silence.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I enjoy holding you. I thought you enjoyed being held by me. Are you trying to say you don’t?”

“How can I enjoy this when you won’t share anything with me? You’re hiding something from me. And from yourself.” He got up and started to walk away.

“Wait! Please, what do you think I’m hiding?”

“You’re hiding yourself, fox. How can you expect me to stay here if all you ever offer is your body?”

And with that, he left, as Kurama lay there helpless to follow.

Then all at once I wake up
From something that keeps knocking at my brain

The redhead’s eyes flew open. *A dream. Just a dream. Huh, a nightmare more like it.* He found himself constantly dreaming about a certain fire youkai, and while the dreams may have started out differently each time, they always ended the same…with him accusing Kurama of hiding inside himself and then leaving. He knew why he kept dreaming that way. It was because he was afraid…not something he’d normally even consider admitting to, but right now he realized the importance of being honest with himself. These dreams kept ripping through his psyche, and it was starting to wear him down. And he knew that, no matter how close he get to Hiei physically, he couldn’t be any closer to him emotionally than he was right now, unless he could learn to admit to him what he felt, and what he wanted.

Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head

Kurama knew he must be losing his grip to even consider admitting his feelings to Hiei. The youkai had said often enough that he acted too human as it was. He was contemptuous of what Kurama felt for Shiori, the fox couldn’t begin to imagine his friend’s reaction to having similar feelings directed towards himself. Actually, that’s not true, he could imagine it, and he was sure the reaction would be either cold or violent. Or possibly both. He shoved his head back against his pillow, as if he could just will himself back to sleep and forget about this. *Uh-huh, like that will work…sure, and maybe next Hiei and Kuwabara will get along for more than 5 minutes.* Even if he could just roll over and go back to sleep, it wouldn’t solve anything, he’d just start dreaming again. And his dreams were getting close to driving him mad. Even in dreams, the words stuck in his throat; he couldn’t say aloud what was in his heart.

And spring up in my bed
Screaming out the words I dread...

Kurama felt too restless. He sat up in bed and brought his pillow around to his lap, giving his hands something to hold so he didn’t fidget and get his body even more awake than it already was. How could he say those words? How could he go on if he didn’t? As much as he loved intellectual problem-solving, there must come a time when his body demanded action. If he wished to make excuses for what happened next, he could say that he was suffering the effects of too little sleep for too long. But it didn’t really matter what drove him to it. He could feel the words becoming unstuck from his throat and pushing against his lips. He buried my face in the pillow he was gripping and yelled out the words he never thought to say aloud…

I think I love you!

“Ai shiteru, Hiei!” Those words, once said, seemed to break a dam within him. The kitsune felt tears begin to run down his face, wetting his pillow. He choked on the sobs that began to wrack his body, trying not to make any more noise than he already had. He didn’t want to have to explain to Shiori why he was crying. *Sure, I could just tell her “Oh, I’m in love with my best friend, who happens to be male, oh and did I mention he’s a demon? And he doesn’t love me back.” Oh, that would go over just wonderfully, right up to the point that she has me institutionalized.* A strangled noise escaped his lips, half sob, half choked laugh, at the thought of her reaction. His thoughts soon drifted back to the object of his affection and dismay, however, and his tears returned with renewed force. After all, even if Hiei didn’t hold love to be some ningen weakness, he’d never believe that Youko Kurama could have feelings of that sort. He’d probably think the fox was just saying such things to seduce him. And Kurama couldn’t deny that there was ample evidence to support that point of view. After all, he’d done that sort of thing countless times in his life in the Makai. But he was no longer the ruthless youko, and the words he whispered repeatedly against his pillow were heartfelt for perhaps the first time in his life.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This morning, I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with

Hiei woke with a start. He blinked several times, clearing his mind of the foggy remnants of his dreams. More and more he found he was dreaming of his fox. Memories of the time they spent together, and, more often than not, nightmares of him being injured or killed on one of their cases. The very thought of Kurama being injured was enough to make Hiei feel nauseous. What was happening to him? Every time he thought of his fox he felt a strange ache in his heart. Wait…“his fox”? When did he start to consider Kurama to be his? He couldn’t understand what was going on…and that was not healthy. Hiei had lived his life in the Makai, where ignorance is death. If you don’t understand something, and you let it distract you, you could easily become prey for stronger youkai. Not knowing what was happening to him, he couldn’t figure out what to do about it.

And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself

So he felt that it would be best to just keep his thoughts to himself. If he seemed distracted around the others they’d start asking questions he didn’t have answers to. And that damned youko was just a bit too persistent, too good at ferreting out information that should have been none of his business. Whatever it was that was going on within his mind, that is where it would stay. He’d just be certain to keep treating his fox as he had all along, as a useful fighting companion and friend. He wouldn’t give in to these strange feelings that were developing. He would bury it deep within himself, turn his back on those thoughts, as he had always done with his emotions. Emotions were dangerous, they made one distracted and sloppy in fights. He had enough proof of that from the number of times he’d visited the redhead for patching up after battle.

And never talk about it

As much as his fox stirred something deep within him, he knew it was best that he never mention anything to anyone else about it. He couldn’t even name what was happening within himself. The more time he spent thinking about it, however, the more he realized that this was going to be a hard battle. It is nearly impossible to hold out against oneself, and as much as he had resolved to not say anything to anyone about it, his body seemed to want to betray him, as he felt the struggle to hold his words back.

And did not go and shout it
When you walked into the room...

As he watched from the tree outside the redhead’s room, he saw his fox enter, moving with the unconscious grace he had always possessed, whatever his form. And in that moment, Hiei felt an almost uncontrollable urge to talk to him, try to explain what was growing within his soul. *No! I will not do this!* With something akin to fear, Hiei ran from his perch, running into the forested area of the park where he spent many of his nights. *What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this…aching in my chest?* Hiei had finally lost the battle against himself…he knew now he had to confront what he was feeling, thinking that by doing so he would then be able to bury it away and turn his back on it, as he had done with everything else in his heart.

He turned his thoughts inward, focusing on the stirrings within his heart. In the same methodical way he handled nearly everything, he tried to sort through his emotions, pulling them apart and naming each individual part in an attempt to untangle the mess he was in. *It’s all that damn kitsune’s fault, that’s for certain.* He realized that the feelings all centered around his fox…that elegant and graceful figure…*No, dammit, focus!* Looking further, Hiei named his emotions to himself: there was trust, not only on the battlefield, but, more importantly, when he was at rest. There was respect for his abilities and his honesty (such an unusual trait in a youko), but some contempt that he associated so freely with these ningen, who were so far beneath him. There was…something he did not want to name, a warmth in his heart whenever he was in his fox’s company. It was similar to what he felt for his sister, but deeper, and more bittersweet. That, coupled with the ache he felt whenever he saw his fox in danger led him to one inescapable conclusion.

I think I love you! (I think I love you)

He truly cared for Kurama. He loved him. *K’so.* As many times as he went over it in his head, trying to find some other answer, the facts didn’t change. He’d done the unthinkable and fallen for his fox’s charm and grace. *No! I can’t …this can’t be happening.* But he could no more prevent stop these feelings than he could stop the sea from crashing upon the shore. Instead, the silver youko drew his emotions like the moon drew the tide. Still, even if his emotions weren’t his own, his actions and his words were still well under his own control. He resolved not to say anything, not to let his actions betray any hit of his emotions. After all, his kitsune deserved far better than anything the Forbidden Child of the Koorime could offer. And anyway, this was Youko Kurama we were talking about, he’d probably heard countless youkai say the same words. And said the same thing to even more in his efforts at seduction. Even if he believed those words, which Hiei was certain he wouldn’t, the fox couldn’t love someone like him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?

After Kurama had cried himself out on his pillow, he still sat in the same place, feeling drained of emotion, like part of his heart had spilled out along with his tears. He sat, not really thinking about much of anything, in that emotional quiet that always comes after a good, cathartic cry. But slowly, he felt something creeping in and replacing the pleasant numbness he had been floating in. Fear. The faint icy feel of that emotion licked at the edges of his thoughts. *Will I spend the rest of my life like this? Knowing that no matter how close I get to him that I’ll never be inside his heart? Crying myself to sleep each night?*

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for

*Oh, Inari, what have I gotten myself into?* He was feeling trapped by his emotions, stuck in such a bittersweet quandary. He felt helpless, unable to stop loving Hiei, but not wanting to allow his heart to continue feeling so brutalized. He couldn’t blame Hiei, as much as some part of him wanted to. No, he was being betrayed by himself, by the same heart that had given him a new meaning of life with Shiori.

Kurama realized that he wasn’t going to get any more sleep, at least until he had gotten himself more relaxed. He felt he couldn’t just sit around his bedroom any more; he was seized by a restlessness, he needed to be doing something. He rose, quickly dressed, pulled a brush through his hair, and headed downstairs to the front door, all with the silent stealth he had learned over the years. With just a little luck, he could work off this anxiety and be back before Shiori even realized he’d left. As he stepped out, he realized that the temperature was cooler than he’d thought, and briefly considered heading back inside for a jacket. *No, it’s not that cold. Besides, if I walk quickly, I’ll keep myself warm.* With that decision made, he turned his step in the direction of the nearby park, hoping that being surrounded by all that greenery would help calm his soul.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?

Once he finally admitted his feelings to himself, Hiei came to the conclusion that this must be what kept the fox living in the Ningenkai. This feeling, or some version of it, must be what he felt, and it must be why he was so kind to the woman he lived with. Hiei knew now that he wouldn’t want to see his fox hurt or saddened; Kurama must have some of the same feelings towards his human mother. Hiei remembered that Kurama had told him once that he had been given a new life in more ways than one. Hiei hadn’t really understood what he had been talking about, and Kurama just smiled and hadn’t said any more on the subject. It was only now that Hiei began to understand. Humans took love for granted, and some gave it so freely…this was so very different than the Makai. But he could see how life could begin to center around the one you loved…even as he realized that his feelings couldn’t be returned, he still couldn’t help but see things in relation to Kurama. Looking around him, he realized that one of the reasons he was comfortable in this park was because he knew that Kurama enjoyed being there.

Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way

Even with all of these revelations running through his mind, Hiei still couldn’t be truly content with his feelings. The experience was too new to him; he didn’t know quite how to react. So there he sat, mind racing, high in the branches of an ancient sakura tree, masking his youki more out of habit than any concern of being approached by something dangerous.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don't know what I'm up against

As Kurama jogged towards the park, his mind continued to worry at the problem of what to do about Hiei. The biggest problem now, as Kurama saw it, was his lack of knowledge. He knew how he felt, but he couldn’t tell how his jaganshi felt. He suspected that his feelings were not returned; that Hiei no longer had the ability to feel such things. Kurama only knew the barest outlines of Hiei’s past. He knew about his abandonment, about his twin sister, and he knew about the final result: a ruthless thief and assassin. But beyond that, he knew so very little; it was impossible to rationally guess what Hiei may or may not think without knowing more about him. Kurama had never really concerned himself too much with Hiei’s past, as he knew it to be a painful topic for his friend to discuss; besides, he knew Hiei now, and he’d always thought that would be enough. But it wasn’t any more, he wanted to know everything about his friend; he wanted to at least see what kind of challenges were ahead for him, should he ever want to act on his feelings.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don't know what it's all about

Having come to his inevitable conclusion, Hiei sat wondering what to do about this revelation. How did this change anything? Did it change anything? Well, yes, something had changed…either in the world or in his perception of it. It was like the world had tilted subtly, and Hiei was still trying to regain his sense of balance. He didn’t know how to be “in love.” He’d always ignored such topics of conversation as useless, thinking they would never have any bearing on his life. He’d had a lot more difficulty than he would have admitted in adjusting to the concept of “friends,” and this was so much more…more intense, more difficult, more bittersweet.

I've go so much to think about

Hiei had thought that merely finding the source of his feelings and putting a name to them would be enough, but he now realized that his thoughts were just as tangled as before. Even knowing that he loved his fox, he still couldn’t come to a reasonable conclusion of what to do about it. He still had so much to ponder, and he remained sitting in the sakura tree as the early pre-dawn light started to show on the eastern horizon.

With all of this running through his mind, Hiei was effectively off in his own world, and nearly oblivious to his surroundings. Thus, he didn’t notice the approach of a very familiar ki until it was almost beneath his resting spot. As soon as he did notice, however, his thoughts were sent down a completely different track. *What’s he doing here? He’s usually sleeping at this hour. Has he noticed me?* Looking down, Hiei could make out his friend’s red hair and light-colored clothing. Watching him, Hiei silently debated whether to stay or to flee. He, who had never run from anything, wanted little more than to get as far away as possible…but if Kurama hadn’t noticed him yet, that would surely get his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kurama had slowed to a walk as he reached the park, and made his way slowly down one of the winding paths that led toward a wooded area he was fond of. He made a conscious effort to slow his breathing and heart rate, trying to calm himself. Usually this was no task for him, simply being around the familiar ki of all this greenery would be enough. But, well, things had obviously been difficult of late. Even as he forced his body to relax even a bit, his mind still reeled from his earlier nightmare and subsequent confession. He tried to calm his thoughts, and simply allowed his feet to pick their own path, not really paying attention to where he was going. Thus it was with some surprise that Kurama looked around to realize that he was under the same tree he had dreamed about that night. Kurama sat down at the base of the tree, pulling one knee up to his chest and draping his arms around his up-drawn leg. He then leaned back against the trunk of the tree with his eyes closed, attempting to clear his mind so that he could relax.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Believe me
You really don't have to worry

Hiei watched the redhead’s actions from his perch in the branches. The face tilted up towards him seemed calm at first glance, but Hiei knew his friend too well. He could see the worry and anxiety in the posture of his body, and in the nearly-imperceptible lines on his forehead. He wanted little more than to go down and take that expression away. His friend should never have to be so concerned. He had half resigned himself to this action when a soft whisper drifted up to him. “Oh, Hiei…” *Nani?! Why is he so sad over me? Has he figured it out? He’s too kind-hearted…is he trying to find a way to tell me to leave him be?*

I only want to make you happy
And if you say
Hey, go away, I will

This was the only thing that Hiei could think of that would make his fox say his name in such a way. It never occurred to him what was really running through the redhead’s mind. *If I cause him such pain, he should tell me to leave.* That thought wrenched something within the jaganshi’s chest. The idea of never seeing his fox again would have destroyed something vital within him, but he would rather that than see the one he loved so sad. He again considered leaving his perch, this time with a thought of never returning…but still he watched. At the very least, he wanted to burn the image of his beloved within his mind, so that he may have some comfort in the cold nights.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

No matter how hard Kurama tried to empty his mind of thoughts, he kept seeing the one he so loved behind his closed eyelids. And that image seemed to be getting ever farther from him, a rift opening between them that Kurama had no idea how to bridge. He allowed a small sigh to escape his lips…“Oh, Hiei...” He was feeling haunted by the image in his mind: he couldn’t stand seeing that fissure growing between him and his love. He opened his eyes, thinking to let his mind wander over the patterns created by the leaves and branches blowing above him. But, as his eyes opened, he was caught by an intense ruby gaze, making his breath catch in his throat. Kurama kept staring upwards, not blinking, barely breathing. *Have I fallen asleep? Am I dreaming? I must be, he’s never so close when I’m awake.* Kurama kept meeting those eyes, as if by an act of will he could turn this from dream to reality. A whisper escaped his lips, an echo of what had just been said, “Oh, Hiei.” But this time, the words were colored with a subtle longing. *If this is a dream, then it doesn’t matter what I do. I’ve never felt more awake, but he’s never looked at me like that outside of my dreams.* Indeed, the stare of the youkai was colored by a myriad of emotions; curiosity, fear, desire, and sadness all mingled in Hiei’s eyes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Kurama had opened his eyes and caught him staring, Hiei had expected any number of reactions. What he hadn’t expected was his fox meeting his gaze with thoughts playing so clearly behind his eyes. He hadn’t expected to be drawn into those emerald wells, unable or unwilling to look away. And to hear the emotions tinting that voice, it was nothing he had ever dared even dream of. Looking down, he realized, was a bit like looking into a mirror…for he saw in those eyes the same emotions that had held his heart captive for so long now.

But I think better still
I'd better stay around and love you

He never wanted to be the cause of any pain for his fox, it was true, but if he was really seeing what he thought he was, leaving would be the most hurtful thing he could do. He tried to reign in his thoughts and his heart. He feared that his own desires were coloring what he was seeing, that he was reading too much into what may have been only a startled stare. But his heart was having none of it. He had gone too long without hope, so that when he felt it surge within him he was overpowered. He couldn’t leave. He needed his fox too much.

Do you think I have a case?

But…could he stay if he knew that he wasn’t wanted? Even as hope washed over him, small doubts still whispered in the back of his mind.

Let me ask you to your face
Do you think you love me?

He was used to being straightforward in his words. This is not to say he couldn’t or didn’t lie, but when dealing with his friends he simply said what he really thought. So it should not have been surprising that he wanted to simply ask what his fox thought of him. But still…to hear words of rejection falling from those perfect lips would have shattered him. So when he spoke, it wasn’t the question he truly wanted answered that escaped his lips.

“Why are you looking at me like that, fox?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kurama heard those words, and heard the question behind them as well. For he knew Hiei too well not to pick up on his friend’s train of thought. Kurama blinked slowly, still wondering if this wasn’t just another torturous dream. *Well, if it is a dream, then I can say what I want. I can tell him the truth. It doesn’t matter.*

“Ai shiteru, Hiei. I know I’m probably just dreaming this, but that much is true. And that is the answer to your question.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hiei heard those words, and saw the truth in his beloved’s eyes. His doubts still whispered, but he ignored them. *He loves me? He loves me?*

“You shouldn’t have said that, fox. It’s not something that can be unsaid.”

“Yes, but I won’t lie to you, Hiei.”

Hiei jumped down, landing lightly before his friend. “Words do not come to me as they do to you, fox.”

And with that, Hiei closed the gap between them, catching Kurama’s lips in a kiss. And in that kiss he poured all of the things he felt, all of the things he couldn’t find words to express.

Kurama melted into the kiss, submersing himself in the sweet feeling of it, thinking of nothing past that very moment. When they broke apart, he shivered, both in loss of that sweet contact as well as in reaction to the cool air.

Hiei looked at him critically. “Hn. Fool. You don’t have fur anymore.” He then sat beside Kurama; wrapping his arms around him and raising his youki to generate some heat.

Kurama closed his eyes in bliss. He then murmured a question to his beloved.

“Am I dreaming, Hiei?”

“Hn. You should be able to answer that for yourself.”

“If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.”

“Stupid fox. This is real.” For emphasis, Hiei tightened his embrace.

As the sun rose over the horizon, it illuminated two figures curled up together, asleep beneath the spreading branches of a sakura tree, away from the beaten paths and the prying eyes of passerby.

~*Owari*~