Original Stories By Matt Campbell




An Introduction

After my last trip to Burger King, I came to the realization that I could share my experiences at this fine restaurant with the world.  I hope you enjoy these classic stories as much as I do.





First, I must apologize for the long wait since my last great story.  College has unfortunately taken its toll on my BK life, and my BK trips have been few and far between.  A moment of silence now, please, for this tragic loss.


OK, with that out of the way, I can continue my series by enlightening you with one of my latest BK trips.  I am retelling this story approximately three months after its occurrence, so some of the details have undoubtedly been lost, but I will do my best since the events of this trip were quite fascinating.  It began as a normal BK trip, and my brother and I ordered our food without a hitch.  When we sat down however, we were surprised to find that two separate tables were occupied by groups of girls.  These girls were not just any girls.  On the contrary, these girls actually represented two distinct types of people in the Rochester area, although as you read on, you may be inclined to argue that they do in fact represent the same types of people based on their similar actions, and you may be correct.  BK stories, I should mention, are always open to interpretation.


The first group of girls sat opposite the coke machines, so they were the first girls we saw as we filled our large soda cups.  There were two of them, and based on the clothing they were wearing, my brother and I instantly deduced that they represented the typical East Rochester girl.  Cocky, trashy, and dirty, among other adjectives that I will not state at this time.* We thought nothing of them, and continued to our seats, deciding a booth was the best location for the consumption of our meals.


It was then that we noticed the second group of girls.  Based, again, on clothing alone, I came to the conclusion that they represented the typical Pittsford girls.  To be more specific, as there are many types of Pittsford girls, I further narrowed them down to Jefferson Road Elementary area girls.  These girls are often cocky, prissy, and snotty.  Fortunately I now have a digital camera and was able to document these girls to allow for a better appreciation of the story (See Picture 1.1 Below).  There were four of them, and they seemed to be looking our way, laughing, and talking in a secretive manner.  We thought to ourselves, are they talking about us?  They may have been, but it soon became clear that they were also talking about the East Rochester looking girls behind us.  But why?  As if to answer this question for us, one of the girls from the Pittsford gang (I will refer to the two groups of girls as gangs from this point on) got up and walked to the condiment area for some much needed supplies.  You may think that this was perfectly innocent, but it became quite clear that this rebel had ulterior motives.  On the way back to her seat, she made eye contact with a member of the ER gang, and this is when the fun began.


“Why you lookin’ at me?” the ER girl exclaimed in a harsh tone.  The Pittsford girl laughed a very sarcastic and snotty laugh and continued to her seat without a word.  Talk about audacity!  A buzz of conversation ensued at the P-Town gang’s table upon her return.  The ER gang members were having quite a feverous conversation of their own.  Then came the calm before the storm.  The girls of both gangs, now rivals, finished their scrumptious meals which unquestionably gave them the strength for the battle that would arise shortly.  The P-Town gang was the first to leave, and words of hate were spoken by the ER gang as the P-Town gang walked out the door.  The ER gang followed them outside and a furious verbal conflict began.  The details of this part of the story were unfortunately unknown to my brother and I as we chose to stay inside and avoid the dangerous catfight taking place outside.  From the window, it seemed that the ER gang had been victorious despite being outnumbered by a ratio of 2:1.  The P-Town gang retreated to the safety of the Wegmans parking lot and the ER gang returned to BK to claim their turf.  The amusing part of this story is that the Burger King himself was there to watch as the ruffians of his kingdom argued shamelessly.  If only they had known, perhaps this altercation could have been prevented.  Nonetheless, it was another fine BK experience, and is now available for the world to enjoy.


*My brother and I have nothing against East Rochestarians or any of the girls in this story.


Picture 1.1 “The Pittsford Gang”





My second BK story began this morning when I woke up at Eric’s house and decided to go to Burger King.  We were pleasantly surprised by the addition of a new hott girl at the register.  She even asked Eric for his burger’s “specifications”.  We both knew what that meant, but Eric is a pimp so he passed on that shit.  When our food was ready, she picked up both of our trays at the same time and handed them to us with a smile, saying “two number tens”.  That’s because we both got number tens.  If you were unaware, number ten is my favorite combo at BK.  It’s a double cheeseburger meal with a cock (coke).*


*The rest of this story was unfortunately lost due to my poor memory, but I can assure you that the events that followed were filled with laughter, joy, and happiness.




Here begins the first story of The BK Chronicle.  I was accompanied by my brothers Brian and Eric on this important first trip.  Today was a special day for me, as I was able to try BK’s new chicken fries for the first time.  I got the 9 piece and it was everything I hoped it would be.  Delicious.  I might also mention that I saved a life by placing my change in the container for Strong Hospital (pennies, nickels, and dimes only, no quarters of course).  It was then that the first event of the day occurred. 


A man came in wearing an old school Bryce Paup Bills jersey.  It was awesome.  The guy was a huge pimp.  On the ride home, we saw him walking on the side of the road with a garbage bag full of shit, so we felt bad. 


After sitting down with our food, we had just begin to eat when a really hott girl came walking around the corner with a tray full of BK.  It was love at first sight.  She proceeded to outfit her tray with various condiments, like a true BK fan would.  I told my brothers about this BK Beauty and they were as amazed as I was.  Since when do hott girls come to BK?  That was the question we asked each other.  In the words of my brother, “Never, because if a girl eats at BK for any length of time, she will no longer be hott.”  He was probably right, but this girl must have been an exception.  As I looked back over to her, she looked up and we made eye contact.  She even smiled.  Then she began walking towards me and I started to get excited.  Just then, a guy came around the corner behind her and began talking to her.  At first I was devastated, realizing she had a boyfriend.  Then, I was overcome by this feeling of respect.  This guy actually took his girlfriend to BK.  At that point I realized that he actually did deserve someone as amazing as her.  They ended up sitting in the booth right next to us, with her looking towards me, which was cool.  I joked with my brothers about BK being the only restaurant that would glue their paintings to the wall instead of hanging them.  The girl held it back at first, but then started to laugh at my humorous wisecrack, which was funny because her boyfriend didn’t find it humorous.  I just had to show him who’s the Burger King. 


With that, we finished our food and walked outside, only to be stopped as a hearse drove by in front of us.  At first, we thought nothing of it, but continued to watch as it actually stopped at the drive-thru.  This hearse was beautiful, with chrome rims, and we continued to look in astonishment.  I almost cried when I realized we didn’t have a camera and this BK memory would be lost.  I decided to go buy a digital camera later this week, so something like this won’t ever happen again. 


This concludes my first BK story, with the exception of my brothers being 99% positive that they saw Billy Bob Thornton in his Bad News Bears attire driving a truck as we pulled out of the parking lot.  I hope you enjoyed my story, and you can be assured that there will be more to come.



Sketch 1.1 “The Whopper Guy”


Picture 1.2 “The Amazing French Fry”


- All stories are 100% true and created by Matt Campbell -

- Thanks to Burger King for making these experiences possible -