Mental Train Wreck

Things are slow. You might have noticed. Not many updates, and late at that. Reasons? Who knows. I've had to do a lot of thinking lately, and because of it, I've been doing a lot of procrastinating, clearing my mind with video games and the like. What conclusions have I come to? That I don't have a clue where I'm going. I don't have any concrete aspirations for my future. No solid hopes of career, no idea of where I'll be in five years. I may end up flipping burgers, rueing ever time my parents threatened me with it.
What is so tough about this. I can think of the three things I need to become happy with where I am: The Goal, The Girl, and The Getting There.

The Goal. What am I looking torwards? Ever since I was a child, probably rooted in having my last name butchered by teachers, I've wanted to put my mark on the world, make my name known. So many reasons for this. Sure, fame would be great, I think it would be a kick to go places and have everyone know me. When I signed my name on a check and handed to the cashier, they do a double take and say," Wow, I've (read your book)(watched your movie)(seen your comic)(bought your brand of cologne), and let me just say, you rock dude!" That'd be neat. On a deeper more metaphysical level, what do we know of this existence? Let there be no doubts, I do my darnedest to be strong in my faith, I trust in God, and I hope with every fiber of my being for an afterlife. But there's always that little nagging voice, what if? You can't take it with you, and so you've got to leave it behind you. Three ways, I can become so bloody famous no one will ever dare to forget me. The second, harder path? I can make my impressions deep, really gouge my way into the lives of those around me, so that 60 years from now they tell stories to their grandchildren about the guy they knew who could turn his face deep purple and sing the alphabet backwards. That's the tough one to do, because it means really making a difference in people, having the commitment to stay the distance, be there when it counts. And then there's the good ol' spreading of the seed. Not to trivialize it, because having a family is probably the one thing I've never been in doubt of. To have children, new people you are responsible for, that you help mold into grown people, who will go out themselves to leave their mark. What more can you strive to do?

Which is a bit of lead-in to G number two, The Girl. You know who I'm talking about, that One who every time you see Her, She sends a tingle straight through your body. The One you could spend hours just looking at, and years just listening to Her talk. She could never bore you, She couldn't possibly ever dissappoint you, because She is the reason the sun rises, and who could find fault in that? I watch movies, hopelessly romantic and sappy movies that I KNOW aren't good for me, because every time I leave them thinking, "Gee, that's neat," but at the same time they just magnify that gnawing ache inside. I can't believe that these movies are completely fictional, they have to have some grain of truth to them to be so prolific, someone must have really experience this. And that's what I need. Even if it's just for half an hour, I want to feel totally and blissfully happy, without care, without need, because that one person has put everything in focus. How to go about finding this person? Hell if I know, and most of you have had enough of my bitching on the subject to last a lifetime. Maybe I'll take out a classified ad, but one thing's for sure, I'm not letting myself wuss out on this one. She's out there, and for once I'm not going to let myself give up on something so important.

That only leaves the big question, How do I Get To this place. Probably the toughest one of all. It's great to see where you're going, but if it's across a lava filled canyon, you're screwed. And once more it all comes back to me. When I think about myself in an utterly truthful and un-humble light, I can see that quite frankly, I'm a real lucky guy. I've got a lot of talents, a rennaissance man if you will, and at one point or another I've been able to find some modicum of respect in most fields( except for music. Honestly, I'm the musical equivalent of a blind deaf dyslexic hunchback.) So why has this never panned out for me? Cause I'm the laziest lazy that ever did laze. I procrastinate WAKING UP. If I had my choice of super powers it'd probably be telekinesis, cause then I'd never have to get up to grab stuff again. And yeah, I know I would want that because I've spent many a moment looking at something I need across the room and wondering what are the odds it will just get up and come to me. So there's that, I need some friggin initiative. I guess it just comes down to the fact I've never found something that I so totally wanted I was willing to go to any length to achieve it. Or the few times I've come close to that level of committment, it still managed to come to a cataclysmically horrible end, thus dashing future hopes.

And so there it is. Half an hour and much typing later, I've laid bare to you all my respective strengths and weaknesses, my faults. I KNOW what holds me back, I've identified my Achilles heels and it all comes down to: Am I smart enough, strong enough, to work past them. Do I really want these things badly enough to change for them, or will I just settle myself into my comfortable groove and roll my way to complaceny?

Tune in next week, same Bat time, same Bat channel....