| Perhaps you find my statement silly and without proper justification. That's fine. Read on, my friends, and see if this whole crazy thing doesn't start to make just a bit of sense. To set up my exposition: I, Matt, have found myself for the past several days to be terribly and debillitatingly ill. Whether it is Leprosy, Tuberculosis, Bubonic Plague, Syphallus, or some strange combination of the above, I'm not sure, but what I am sure of is that I'm sicker than any person has ever been before in all of history. And it sucks, big time. This particular illness possesses the quirky sense of humor to make me both sleepless and sensitive to light. I find that incredibly torturous, since each of those symptoms is normally solved by the other in my every day life. If my eyes are sore, I sleep. If I can't sleep, I play video games. Now both courses of action are denied me and I believe this sadistic virus to be using some sort of psychological warfare against me, the end result being my own stark raving madness. But I digress. Reason #1: Among other things, girlfriends are good for morale. It has been scientifically proven that a person with a girlfriend is 17 times happier than me. What this means, to the lay man, is that a dude with a chick is stoked. And stoked dudes don't get sick. Reason #2: Girls have a higher natural instinct toward cleanliness than guys. Therefore, if I had a girlfriend, she'd make sure I cleaned my room more often, and stuff. Plus, she'd probably have me bathe semi-regularly, which I've heard has a negative influence upon germs. Germs are what make people, namely me, sick. Therefore, more girlfriend, less germs. (Note: The phrase "more girlfriend" refers to number of girlfriend, not size. A larger girlfriend does not neccessarily mean less germs than a more petite girlfriend.) Reason #3: While on the subject of those magical gremlins known as "germs," an important observation comes to mind. When two people are "going steady" they eventually start to "kiss." Sooner or later, this leads to the sport often referred to as "making out." This "making out," as it were, by definition requires the exchange of bodily fluids, carrying said "germs." At first, this means that both parties will come down with several small bugs as they get new "germs," but eventually they'll reach a point of germ equilibrium, in which they both have the same germs. From this point out, it's like one big immune system: when one member picks up an illness, they'll share it, and the two systems will work twice as fast to create neccessary antibodies. Thus, less sickness. Reason #4: She would point out that Reason #3 was assinine crap, and just make me take my vitamins. Reason #5: In relation to Reason #4, girls are more dietarily conscious than guys, and my girlfriend could most likely explain to me why a dinner of meat, vegetables, and bread would be more healthy than one consisting of, say, chocolate syrup and poptarts. Reason #6: If I did get sick, in conjunction with Reason #3, I could just give the girlfriend all of my germs, then dump her and get a new one. Reason #7: Girls have more common sense than guys, so mine would keep me from participating in nude winter sports, namely Cross-country Skiing, Biathalon, and the Luge. Reason #8: Luge sounds funny. Luuuu-gggge. Luu-gge. Luge. Reason #9: Reason #8 isn't really a reason. Reason #10:......Neither is #9. Reason #11: On the off chance that I DID get sick, a girlfriend would make me soup, read to me, and make sure I was well within a day so that I could keep playing video games and not have painfully sleepless nights and dull, lightless days. This blows. |