| There comes a time in every man's life when he must step back, take a long hard look at his accomplishments and goals, and then admit to himself that he's never really going to get superpowers. I recently hit this point, and let me tell you, it ain't fun. There were many long nights of video games, extensive pop bingeing, and I'm not ashamed to admit, I had a good cry or two along the way. But now, after a bit of time and psychiatric counseling I'm past all that, and a wiser man for it, and this wiser older man has one key revelation to pass on to all of you: Craziness is a type of super power, right? I sure as hell hope so, cause for the last two weeks I have been waging psychological warfare against myself in the hopes of reverting into some sort of Hulk-ian alternate personality. To start things off, I got myself good and worn down. Very little sleep, less food. So much Dynasty Warriors that at one point I thought I could do a Musou attack on the Coke machine when it gipped me. And then, the week of Yellow Typhoid Leprosic Tourrettial Seizure Fever did a good job of crushing the last of my mental and physical fortifications. Thus, stripped of all the years of conditioning, I began to relay my foundations in a pattern of my own divising. Basically, I decided to start simple. My hypothesis, as it is, is that by achieving multiple personalities I will be able to convince the separate psyches that they have special abilities, and accomplish through sheer craziness and force of will what I was not able to do with green rocks and microwaved spiders. Okay, so, keeping it simple. Although I think the theory is sound and I could potentially give myself flight or telekinesis or something, I wanted to stick to basics. What I want to do is stick all of my more passive, intellectual, civilized traits into one "Banner" personality, and then lump the more aggressive, violent, and primal parts into the alternate "Hulk" psyche. The Banner self would hopefully be the dominant personality, and through it's own intelligence be able to exert some control over the other self. Also, without the baser elements of itself, I believe that this personality would achieve a higher level of intellectualism than I have previously attained, due to the lack of distractions. Now, the flip side is the Hulkesque collection of emotion. Since this one will most often be submerged, I figure when it does get a chance to come out it's going to be REALLY pissed, and ready to smash stuff. I would think there would be a rush of adrenaline involved, altering normal strength levels, plus this personality would care less about self-preservation and be able to drive itself past my previously short boundaries. And now for my process. I'm now only about a week into the conditioning process, but I'm feeling confidant in the results. I first started by doing the typical referring to myself in the third person type of thing. I formed an imaginary second self, whom I refer to as "Bruce," for various reasons. The first obvious manifestations of Bruce were in online chatting, where I would talk as myself, but also respond to my own comments as Bruce, denoted by putting a small emoticon of a bat before everything he said. My remarks were much tamer and calm, and I tried to limit all of my coarse and vulgar comments to Bruce. Consequently, Matt took on a passive and timid demeanor, while Bruce began to be increasingly more abusive in his comments. (I'm hoping that by referring to the calmer personality as Matt, I might further encourage it to be the dominant one, sticking with the name that has been hardwired into my system. However, I find it disturbing that much of Bruce's anger seems to focus itself on Matt. I don't want to have rivalry between the two, or this might revert into a constant fight for mental dominance.) Beyond their existance on the internet, the personalities have yet to really began express themself individually. I refer to them separately when discussing them, and am still in the stage of trying to convince myself of their existance. I have noticed a few instances of dominance, however. In some of my tamer times I've seen a marked improvement in my creativity and academic focus. Random ideas that are coming from a previously untapped part of my brain. Phases of 50 minutes where I do nothing but sketch, and put out better and more imaginative work then I've done in whole days of brainstorming. On the flip side, although I try my hardest to engage in as little physical activity as possible, I do participate in a lot of competitive things, like card and video games. In these I've also notice a higher level of competivism and determination to be successful, as opposed to just seeing them as another game, and borderline violent tendencies on losing and failure. No crushing controllers or ripping off opponents arms, yet, but I'm hopeful. That's about it for now. Like I said, no definite results thus far, but I'm seeing several small indicators that make me think I might be working in the right direction. I'll keep you all posted of any momentous changes, and until then, try not to make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. |