Matthew Craig, Master of Science!

Raised by itinerant coyotes from the Serengeti, Matthew Craig learnt at an early age the value of a good bowl of Spam chowder. Variously employed as a car park attendant, molecular biologist, barman and psychotherapist, Our Hero finds himself a man without a past, in a world he didn't create, a twenty-six year-old ex-student living with his long-suffering parents, trying to make the best out of a bad situation, with hilarious consequences...and bad grammar.

VITAL STATISTICS: Age: Twenty-six, going on fifty-six Mental Age: six Qualifications: Savlon Waterbaby Badge (for swimming 12.5m at age 18), 9th Kyu Karate Grading, MSc in Biomolecular Archaeology Useful Qualifications: Can trim toenails with own teeth Likes: Being Angry Dislikes: Things which make him Angry Notable Quotable: "You shouldn't do that. It gives you piles..."

When not shouting at the television, Matthew likes to grow a beard and impersonate famous sailors of the past. Here, he imitates the legendary sea salt Cap'n Redbeard, from the forgotten Defoe classic, "Pirate with a Suspicious Itch."

CLAIMS TO FAME: 1995: Chases Howard Donald (from Take That) down Arndale Street, Manchester, producing eggs from various orifices and hooting "Could It Be Magic?" in a warbling falsetto; arrested for gross indecency and being egg-bound 1996: Has letter published in Edge Comics "Do-Do Man"; susbequently mugged twice by the French 1997: Contestant on the Regency Television quiz-show "15to1"; comes fourth; earns £86 and a slap-up meal for answering two questions and looking like he needs a big shit 1998: Causes Emma Forbes to make a "mnm" sound on the BBCTV programme, "Points of View"; shouts "Yahooooooooooooo!" down the phone at a researcher; recieves mug in post next day 1999: Appeared in the prestigious science journal Nature, almost entirely obscured by the fat sod in front of him, save for an ear and a fuzzy sideburn 2000: Appeared on the BBC News programme "Newsnight," having a cup of tea and eating a muffin (bilberry); also appeared in the Sanger Centre Pensions booklet, drinking a second cup of tea and admiring an ample pair of breasts 2001: Resigns from Leicester University; takes with him stretchmarks, a large overdraft, and a new comic-strip: "Hondle"; leaves behind: empty lab notebook, semen in a jar

My Day of Glory: appearing as background fur in Nature magazine. Reproduced without permission.

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