NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, WHICH IS A FUCKING STROKE OF BAD LUCK WHEN IT ALL GOES PAPS SKYWARD!

LEARN THE LESSON:

This is how I cope with defeat. This is how I cope with the end of my dream. This is how I stop myself going f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fucking MENTAL in this situation I find myself in.

I've spent my whole life preparing for a career in science. I had it all mapped out, from age 18 to age 30. And I was nearly there. A hair's width from the prize. And then, I was booted from my University.

Finding myself without a future in science (or one that I could readily accept right away), I decided to spend my free time writing down the thoughts and emotions I was feeling as I recovered my self-esteem.

Hence this website.

Hence...             VIEW FROM SQUARE ONE

PERSONAL OPINION AND CURSE WORDS WITHIN!

SQUARE ONE So here we are again. Jobless. Penniless. Is there a silver lining? MOTH SURPRISE The Silver Lining turns out to be poisonous Mercury. Now, I am sterile and quite, quite mad. UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN Children are our future. And we're Fucking Jealous. So we tell them what to read, like they're fucking imbeciles or something. Well, I say "ENOUGH!" THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HMM..." I notice things. Things that will probably get me sued. Learn inside how language may be manipulated for nefarious ends...in other words, advertising. THE YELLOW STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS People are stupid. But not as stupid as a macrocephalic cartoon dog that everybody wants dead. Ta-da-da-da-da daaaa! HERO I always wanted to be...a Lumberjack! Or something... Learn why I'll never be the person I want to be... BETTER THAN NOWT Watch me pretend to be doing something about finding work. REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL It's not all bad. There are things that cheer me up. Here are but a few of them... QUIET RAVINGS OF A DESPERATE MAN The Sunday Market, flirting, and why I like Lycra trousers... TYPE OH HELL NEGATIVE Lamenting Lost Love. Or, it would be if I wasn't such an EYE-GOUGING FUCKING COWARD. SOLENOID / JAM TART / WENDELBERRY Random thoughts. Some of which make sense. Which is scary.... "DOCTOR STRANGE," LOVE Comics' Biggest Secret: They Aren't For The Lazy! (So why do I read them?) HOMETOWN HERO You can't go home. Or back to school, it seems. Does this mean I don't have to flush the toilet? RIPCORD MESSIAH Satanic Cows. Censorship. Transsexuals with a Doggie Bag. Warning: there's a sound file for your downloading pleasure within this page... 'N ANHUNOG I MEWN LLANGOLLEN Fulfilling a promise to the Sainted Mother, we finally went to Wales the other day. If only I'd had my camera. And about another fourteen hours sleep... LOCO TAMBIEN More Zany Censorship Antics, and The Desperation of Dan. ON TURNING 500 A landmark is reached. 500 visitors. Have I learned anything? Nah. Learn the Truth about Rosie and Jim, as well as my Wacky Mr. Benn Theory, and see the Mysterious 14th Costume inside... MY BIGGEST PROBLEM More or less what you'd expect. And yes, it is in the context of the September Terroist Incident. If nothing else, learn why I'll never be Prime Minister, and just exactly what type of woman I'm looking for. PANTALOGICAL HATRED Being the story of my constant struggle with the nature of the universe,in as much as it pertains to pacifism versus violence, pop music, and my crotch. And the Teletubbies learn that having antennae shaped like genitals can be fun! OFFICIAL SITE STATEMENTS Want to know my position on the best movies? The best books? The best comedians? Find everything short of the Official Site Sexual Position ("the Sloth") here. Warning: lots of graphics and links to other sites. 3AM ETERNAL I need more sleep. Read how I bonded with my father over a serious injury, and why the first person on American television called "M. Craig" was also the Coolest Car Ever Made.. OCTOBER THE 23RD Shaking off the dust, I balance my love of Free Speech. with a healthy distaste for all religion. Learn more inside. NAME DROPPER Returning to the fray. Am I still on the Dole? Who's cooking three separate meals, every night? Are the two connected? Which TV drama did I take a cameo role in? And which former love interest did Our Hero bump into (but not bump uglies with) last Comic Day? ADVENT COLANDER Nearly Chrimble. Mattscrew wants to make up for a sad year with a day of dodgy food, poor television, and the Annual Game of Charades. Featuring Steptoe and Son, A Beautiful Woman, and the original Pukka Fukka. Plus: why I'll never open my own restaurant... DING-DONG (MERRILY), I'M HIGH! A mercifully brief look ahead to Christmas Day, and how it should really about buying me lots of toys. Waaaahhh! NO CHRISTMAS KISS THIS YEAR How did Christmas Dinner turn from a straightforward Mean 'n' Three veg into a manic rush to get the dinner done before Boxing Day. Plus, it's six months since I came home: have I learned anything? EVERYTHING NEW IS OLD AGAIN I've had no dinner. So Fuck You, 2K2! Ahem. Lamenting the loss of my precious Giro, I Face Some Facts. And I let slip some SECRET NEWS (moo-hoo-ha-ha-haa).

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