Warning: All jokes may not be suitable for younger, more impressionable readers

On the first day of college, the Dean gave a speech about on-campus rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male 
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be 
fined $20 the first time, $60 the second time, and $180 the third time. Are 
there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd raised his hand, “How much for a 
season pass?”



A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and 
says, “Damn, That's the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” 

In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of 
the bus. The man seated next to her sees she’s agitated and asks what’s wrong. 

“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumes. 

“That’s outrageous!” says the man. “He’s a public servant and shouldn’t be 
insulting passengers.” 

“You 're right!” the woman says. “I think I’ll go up there and give him a piece 
of my mind!” 

“That’s a good idea,” says the man. “'I’ll hold your monkey.” 



An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each 
buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, 
a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over 
the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!”



Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty 
questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to 
guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his 
friend he’s ready to play.

"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?" 

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess 
you could eat it." 

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"



A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a 
genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it 
about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."



The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can 
leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta 
here. I’m clever—that answer’s mine!”

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln,”

The teacher said, “That’s right, Susie, you can go.”

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream?”

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King.”

The teacher said, “That’s right, Mary, you can go.”

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you?”

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy.”

The teacher said, “Thats right, Nancy, you can go.”

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, “I wish these bitches had kept their 
mouths shut.”

The shocked teacher asked, “Who said that?”

Johnny jumped up and hollered, “Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!”



Q: Why do birds fly upside down over trailer parks? 
A: Because there’s nothing worth shitting on. 



A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in 
copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from 
copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to 
ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, 
that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. 

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but 
you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of 
the copies to check it against the original. 

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look 
for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old 
monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what’s 
wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The word is celebrate.” 



Three midgets are in a bar arguing. The first midget says, “I have the smallest hands in the world!” 

The second midget says, “I have the smallest feet in the world!” 

The third says, “I have the smallest penis in the world!” 

Well, they keep arguing for a few more minutes and finally the bartender 
says, “I know, why don’t you three just go to the Guinness Book of World 
Record’s headquarters and settle it there.” So, they do. 

The first midget goes in and comes back out with a certificate and states, “I 
do have the smallest hands in the world!” 

The second midget goes in and comes back out with a certificate and 
exclaims, “I do have the smallest feet in the world!” 

The third midget goes in and comes back out with a glum look on his face. The 
first midget asks, “Didn’t you have the smallest penis in the world?” 

The third midget says, “No, and who the hell are the Backstreet Boys?” 



The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto suddenly 
stops, climbs down off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

The Lone Ranger waits a few seconds before asking Tonto, “What is it?”

“Buffalo come,” Tonto replied.

“How can you tell?”

“Ear sticky.”



Q: Why does Mike Tyson always cry during sex?

A: Mace.



The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, 
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one 
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal 
door and handed him a gun. 

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the 
circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You 
have to kill her.”

The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into 
the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with 
tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You 
don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” 

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She 
took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. 
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all 
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the 
sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with 
blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”



A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye 
patch. The man couldn’t help but ask, “How did you get the peg leg?” 

“We were in a storm at sea,” replies the pirate, “and I was swept overboard 
into a school of sharks, one of which bit my leg off.” 

“Wow! What about your hook?” the man asks. 

“We were boarding an enemy ship, and battled the other sailors with swords, one 
of whom cut off my hand,” replies the pirate. 

“Incredible! What happened to your eye?” asks the man. 

“A seagull dropping fell into it,” replies the pirate. 

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the man asks incredulously. 

The pirate shrugged. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.” 



During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers 
everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the Good Book.”

A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?”

Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before 
exclaiming, “Oh, here it is: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to 
Bethlehem.’”



Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks 
the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?” 

The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.” 

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?” 

Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy 
replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?” 

Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle 
repairman.” 

And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!” 

With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would 
care about the 10 million Afghans!” 



A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: 
$2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

“Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

“Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”



Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in 
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car 
and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says 
Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and 
continues hissing at the nuns.

“What shall I do now”? she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the 
Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water 
burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn?

“Show him your cross”, says Sister Helen.

“Now you're talking,” says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and 
shouts, “Get the fuck off our car!”

 

 An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to 
marry Fred Uhland.” 

“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!” 

“Still do,” gasped the old man. 



After sleeping for about an hour, the wife awoke without a trace of illness 
and, as it was only a little after nine o’ clock, she decided to go to the 
party. Knowing what costume her husband was wearing, and also knowing that he 
didn’t know what costume she was wearing, she decided to slip into the party to 
observe how he behaved when she wasn’t around. 

This she did, and as soon as she arrived the first one she spotted was her 
husband, prancing around on the dance floor with one slick chick and then 
another. So the wife slid up to him. Being a rather seductive woman herself, 
her husband left his dance partner standing, and devoted his attention to her. 
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, and when he whispered a little 
proposition in her ear, she agreed, and they went to his car in the parking lot 
and let nature take its course. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and got into 
bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would give her about his 
evening. He arrived home around 1:30 a.m., and went directly up to the bedroom 
to see how his wife was feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading, and 
asked, “Did you have a good time?” 

The husband said, “Well, I’ll tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got 
there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other guys were stag, too, so we just sat 
back in the den playing poker all night. But I’ll tell you one thing, the guy I 
loaned my costume to sure had a good time!” 



The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best 
at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He 
releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They 
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive 
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing 
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit 
had it coming. 

The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s 
yelling, “OK, OK! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!” 



Coach Marty Mornhinweg had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing 
he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and 
even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could 
ensure a Super Bowl win. 

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one 
corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly 
incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 
yards away—ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 
100 yards away—ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph—bulls-eye! 

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Mornhinweg said to himself. “He has the perfect 
arm!” 

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and 
the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. 

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when 
Mornhinweg asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his 
mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.” 

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are 
not my son.” 

“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the 
greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring 
fans.” 

“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are 
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers 
were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister 
was raped in broad daylight.” 

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “…I’ll never forgive you for 
making us move to Detroit!” 



Two mailmen are standing on the sidewalk chatting after finishing their routes 
when one notices a slug crawling by. In a rage he stomps on the poor creature.

“That was cruel,” says the other mailman. “Why’d you do that?”

He replies, angrily, “That son of a bitch has been following me all day!”



A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The 
meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides 
to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he 
selects a Japanese hooker.

While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, “Ding Wa! Ding Wa!” Thinking 
that this must mean “great” or “awesome,” he prepares to use it to impress his 
business associates.

So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a 
hole in one! The Texan looks at him and says, “Ding Wa!”

The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks, “What do you mean ‘wrong hole?’” 



Every Saturday morning an avid golfer gets up early to catch his morning tee 
time and spend the day playing golf.

One Saturday morning, as is his schedule, he gets up early, eats a quick 
breakfast and heads out to the course. The weather is terrible; there’s a 
torrential downpour with snow mixing in and a 50 mph wind.

Defeated, he comes back into the house and turns the TV on to the weather 
channel, which informs him it’s only going to get worse. He puts his clubs back 
into the closet, quietly undresses, then slips back into bed with his 
wife. “The weather out there is terrible,” he whispers.

“Yeah,” she replies, “can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?”



Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

A: He decided to stick it out for one more year. 



A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he 
was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister 
owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

“Is there anything we can do?” she asks gently.

“This is embarrassing for me,” the man says, “but I have a permanent erection 
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering 
what you could give me for it?”

“Just a minute,” says the pharmacist, “I’ll go ask my sister.”

After a minute, she comes back out and says, “The best we can do is 1/3 
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.” 



A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, 
a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register 
looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"

She replies, "Because you’re damn ugly." 



A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their 
bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. 

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. 
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the 
basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall 
crying. 

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Remember when your father 
caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away 
to prison for the next 20 years.” 

Baffled, she said, “Yes.” 

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”









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