Stupid Criminals

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor homeparked on a Seattle street, he got much more than hebargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answeredthat he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buythe car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas,after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages ofmarijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off!" The defendant paused, then quickly added, "- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked to use his I.D. for an example. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: Two men decide to rob a bank using thier junkheap of a car for a getaway vehicle. They had spray-painted: "FOR SALE 555-5555" (with their phone number) on the side of the car in an effort to sell the heap.

Long Beach, CA: Several employees of a large (un-named) aerospace company decide to rob a bank on thier lunch hour (Figuring that the police would never look for them at the plant). Of course, they forgot to remove thier ID badges while they were robbing the bank! (And I thought wearing mine into the grocery store was embarassing.)

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

In Germany, a man holding up a bank got a big surprise when he got home to check out his shopping bag of loot. He told the clerk to fill the bag with the money from the cash drawer. Much to his surprise, I'm certain, that is not what he found. The clerk, thinking quickly, filled the shopping bag up with the trash from the wastepaper basket.

In New York, John Nashid went into a Bronx bank and held it up. He got away with $17,000.00. Then he got into his car and led the police on a five mile chase through the streets. In order to delay the police, John began throwing money out his car window. It may have worked but it also gave police a trail to follow. He finally stopped his car, ran from it and dove through a plate glass window of a nursing home. He was finally captured in back of the nursing home by the trash containers. $6,300 of his take was never recovered. John had been dubbed "Casper the Ghost" by the police. When he entered the bank his disguise was a sheet with two holes cut out for his eyes to see through.

In Pennsylvania a man walked in and ordered a cashier to fill his bag with money. The terrified cashier did so. But she and the rest of the staff noticed something about the robber as he left the building. Within minutes of doing the crime he was arrested. What the staff had noticed was the robber wore a jacket that had his name embroidered across the back: John Edward Roberts.

In St. George, Utah, Steven Kemble was arrested shortly after committing his crime of shoplifting. Kemble had shoplifted a CD from a music store. A clerk grabbed him and held him while others called the police. Kemble broke free of the clerk's grasp and rushed out the door. As he ran out the door he ran directly into a pillar, knocking himself unconscious. The police arrived and arrested him.

In Yorkshire, England a strange incident took place in a bank. A man called, made an appointment to see the bank manager, he said about opening an account. He arrived at the bank, wearing a false Groucho Marx mustache. He sat down across the desk from the manager, pulled out a pistol from his sports bag, held it on the bank manager. The manager sat there for a few minutes in complete silence. The man with the gun shook his head, took the fake mustache off, and said: "I'm off then." He then got up and left the bank. No one is quite certain what his intent truly was.

Two men, on their way to a debate about exorcism, were dressed up, one as Jesus and the other as the Devil. They were reported by local citizens for disturbing the peace and when police arrived the Devil was arrested and fined immediately. Jesus, however was released. The Devil refused to pay the fine on the grounds that he had been discriminated against. He told police: "this is what happens when you have centuries of bad publicity."

A man broke into a jewelry store in the middle of the night. Once inside he broke the glass case to extract the jewelry -- so excited and anxious to get his hands on the diamonds in the case he did not notice, that when he broke the glass, with his hand, he cut the tip end of one of his fingers off. When police did arrive, they merely fished the top portion of the finger out, printed it, and ran a match program. The man was arrested within a few hours of his crime.

In West Virginia a man followed a man down an alley. When they were completely off the street he flashed a gun at the man and told him to give him all his money. When he discovered his victim only had $13 in his wallet he demanded the man write him a check for $300. The victim complied and wrote a check for cash. The next day the man was arrested when he went into the bank to cash the check.

In Long Island, New York a man waved down a car at 1:00 a.m for a ride home. The car stopped and let the man in. Once inside the man offered the two men in the car some crack cocaine if they took him home. The man did not notice the police radio in the front seat and the officers where in blue jeans and jackets. The jackets however did have the words "Suffolk County Police" imprinted on them in large white letters. The man got a ride, but not home.

Allan Kinsella, a convicted murderer, was brought upon on additional charges in a Canadian court for escaping prison. Kinsella brought a countersuit against the medium security prison, accusing them of aiding and abetting his escape. He stated that a builder had left behind a ladder, he used it to scale a fence and escape.

In Washington two prisoners were caught in an attempt to escape. Seems one of their fellow inmates complained to a guard about the noise coming for their cell area. The guard caught them in the act .

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)

A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...