"The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly"

by Matt Singer



Welcome dear readers, and readers who are deer.  This is the first official installment
of what the management of this fine electronic periodical hopes to be a regular series of 
film "reviews."  The word reviews is put in Dr. Evil style quotes because these will not 
be your typical reviews.  I have taken no journalism classes, and have no integrity, 
journalistic or otherwise.  



More specifically, this column won't focus on brand new flicks.  If you want to read 
those types of reviews, there are dozens of places to go on the web.  And they get paid to 
see movies.  I don't.  So instead, I'll be featuring 3 reviews of older movies which you 
should be able to find on VHS, DVD, or cable or in most reputable video stores (I make no 
promises with Blockbuster though, who knows anything with those lunatics).  Each review 
will fall into a category signified by the lame title above.  One flick's good, one bad, 
and one ugly.  Good and bad I think you can figure out on your own; ugly requires a bit of 
explanation.  Generally my ugly movie reviews will fall into two specific movie types: 
they will either be a flawed movie that has something outstanding about it that deserves 
attention despite its problems, or the movie will just be so damn bad that it's funny.  As 
a film viewer, I love good movies.  But I also love bad movies.  Especially the ones that 
think they are better than they are.



In addition, each review with have a quick related recommendation at its conclusion.  
The Good will have a similar flick, The Bad will have an alternative that you'd be wise to 
select instead of it, and The Ugly will just be weird.  So it is written, so shall it be 
done.



I think I've said enough.  Let's get to the meat and potatoes:



THE GOOD



Out of Sight (1998)
Starring George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Rated R, 122 minutes.

Perhaps it was the recent "Grammy dress" fiasco that subconsciously reminded me about this 
movie and forced me to finally buy a copy of it.  Perhaps it was my bizarre obsession with 
Elmore Leonard (whose novel is the source material for the movie).  Or perhaps it's just a
 really good movie.  All right, probably a combination of all three.

Out of Sight is one of those movies that no one saw, but everyone who has seen it loves. 
There's nary a flaw in sight (no pun intended, I swear) in this gorgeous neo-noir.  From 
directing and acting, down the line to editing, cinematography, and music, every little 
aspect of this movie is just perfect.  All the pieces fall together and you are left with 
a thoroughly satisifying movie experience.

George "I'm Better than ER" Clooney stars as bank robber Jack Foley.  Washed up and on the 
lam, he's looking for "one last score" before retirement.  Along the way he gets involved 
with a Federal Marshall, played by Jennifer "Easy Target" Lopez.  Jack and his best friend 
Buddy (Ving Rhames) have to outwit the cops and other gangsters in order to secure their 
nest egg.

I could go into the gorgeous cinematography by Elliot Davis.  Or Scott Frank's brilliant 
nonsequential script.  Or Soderberghs's uncanny flair for directing humor, tension, action,
and emotion all at once.  But what I love more than anything else about this movie is how 
flat out cool it is.  This movie exudes coolness from every frame of celluloid.  Try to 
watch this movie without going "That is so badass!" at least once.  You can tell how 
carefully Soderbergh and the rest of the cast and crew loved making this movie.  And it pays
 off in every little detail.   In the way Foley flicks on his lighter by snapping his 
fingers.  The way Snoopy (Don Cheadle) has never heard of Bausch and Lamb before.  The way 
Michael Keaton shows up out of nowhere playing a character from another Elmore Leonard-based 
movie.  And of course there's Lopez's Karen Sisco, the hottest, most well-dressed federal 
marshall ever.

Sight is the rare film that is even better than the book, thanks to better storytelling 
and a wonderfully satisfying ending.  One of those rare pleasant surprises out there 
waiting to be discovered, so please do.

IF YOU LIKED OUT OF SIGHT CHECK OUT: The Usual Suspects (1995), an even better neo-noir 
starring Kevin Spacey.

THE BAD
End of Days (1999)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne
Directed by Peter Hyams
Rated R, 121 minutes.

Well you probably don't need me to tell you this movie was bad, but I'm going to tell you 
anyway.  It's bad.  Very bad.  Probably the worst movie I saw last year.  

Ah-nold has faced off against warrior aliens, futuristic robots, killer American 
Gladiators, more aliens, countless terrorists, and Danny DeVito.  I suppose it was 
inevitable that he move up to the spiritual plane and begin to take on theological 
creatures.  Here he faces off against the devil himself, played by Gabriel Byrne, in one 
of his few poor performances.  He's just not very scary as the devil.  For a much freakier 
devil check out Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate (And even scarier, Keanu Reeves trying 
to act in the same room as Pacino).

The film is your typical action/special effects flick.  Lots of explosions, gun battles, 
action, running around.  But thanks to the poor acting and script you really don't give a 
hoot what happens to anyone in this movie.  The reason Arnold makes a good killing machine 
is because he's emotionless.  Here we see him weeping like a sissy.  It's just not kosher.

Not to mention how ridiculously these characters act.  Arnold's Jericho Cane goes from 
being Steven Hawking to Pauly Shore in about twenty minutes worth of film.  In one scene 
he intuits that the words "Christ in New York" carved into the dead body of a priest 
actually means the name Christine York, and that they need to find that girl.  Amazing!  
In another, he sees his partner get blown to bits, then accepts it when he walks back in 
through the door.  IDIOT!

The plot centers around the devil trying to impregnate this Christine York so he can 
conceive the Anti-Christ.  After about a half-hour of this disaster I kept wondering why 
Arnold just doesn't bag the chick himself.  If he gets her pregnant, then the devil 
can't.  That would have saved so much trouble for everyone involved.

INSTEAD OF SEEING END OF DAYS CHECK OUT: True Lies (1994), a far better Arnold flick. 

THE UGLY

Gymkata (1985)
Starring Kurt Thomas
Directed by Robert Clouse
Rated R, 90 minutes. 

Ah the wonders of obscurity. So many bad films has fallen into oblivion never to be found
again. Most of them shouldn't, that's why they disappear. None more so than Gymkata, a
disturbingly bad film about Jonathan Cabot, Olympic gymnast (played by Olympic gymnast
Kurt Thomas, typecasting anyone?) who becomes a karate master and works for the U.S.
government. As insane as that sounds, it gets even more bizarre. 

You see, Cabot's father, Colonel Cabot, worked for the government as a spy, investigating this
strange "Game" that is taking place in some nondescript Middle Eastern country. The elder
Cabot goes missing, so the government recruits his son to go find him. This Game has
nothing to do with The Game by David Fincher, rather it is a peculiar mix of shirtless bearded
men, ninjas, bows and arrows, rock climbing, running, and trying not to die. There are rules,
but they are broken by the very people who explain the rules, so why even bother mentioning
them? 

This movie goes from strange to mind-numbing very quickly. Nothing makes sense, and an air
of boredom reigns over the proceedings. As odd as it may sound, that's the very reason I'm
recommending you go find this movie (It probably won't be easy). It's so rare to find a film
where you have absolutely no idea what the hell anyone was thinking when they made it. The
only excuse I'd accept for this toxic waste dump of a flick is that everyone involved was
smoking crack. Everyone. Even the grips and the caterers. 

I wish I could figure out why Cabot's girlfriend doesn't speak for the first 20 minutes of the film,
then after having sex with him, doesn't shut up for the rest of the movies. Or why the
producers/writer/director thought it would be a good idea to incorporate Thomas' knowledge of
gymnastics into the action scenes, so we get him swinging around on a high bar kicking
people, and even better, him taking on an entire town worth of people on a well-placed
pommel horse. 

A personal highlight for me is when Cabot himself enters the Game, and ends up surviving
long enough to make it to the "Village of the Crazies." Yes, this is what it is called in the
movie. And guess what? In the Village of the Crazies, everyone's crazy! EVERYONE! They all
chase after him with pitchforks or, for those in the town who could not figure out how to attach
metal to wood, just sticks. The movie never quite explains how an entire village was created
on a foundation of insanity. I would have loved to see the whole movie take place here; catch
the Crazies trying to hold a town meeting, or try to reproduce. You think if Crazies reproduce
they make more crazies? 

One interesting item of note; a lot, I'd say about half the cast, dies from being shot with an
arrow. Interesting because the arrows are the only believable effects or action in the entire
movie. If these were indeed effects, my one major note of compliment to whoever devised
these very realistic arrows wounds. More likely, this was the film's way of not paying extras.
In any event, you really have to see Gymkata, because otherwise you are going to think I
made all this crap up. 

IF YOU ENJOYED GYMKATA CHECK OUT: Enter The Dragon (1973), a real martial arts movie. 


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