The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
By Matt Singer

Have I told you lately that I love you?  Have I told you there's 
no one else above you?  If I haven't, it's likely cause I don't 
and there is.

Anyway, it's been way too long since I did one of these, so this 
is just a freebie sample while I get my stuff together, putting 
GBU out at a new site.  I've got a place all lined up, but things 
are going slowly because the head honcho over there's been having 
some personal stuffs going on.  It's cool, in the meantime, I'll 
be posting the occassional review here!

ENEK CHOK!  (MMMMMMMMMMM…)

THE GOOD
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Starring Harrison Ford, Karen Allen
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Rated PG, 115 minutes.

Raiders is only one year younger than I am, and yet it's aged 
remarkably better than I have.  In twenty years, I've lost my 
looks, my eyesight, my ability to look at a cookie and be amazed, 
practically everything.  Watching Raiders today, not much has 
changed.  It's still one of the best action movies ever.

I have never been a big fan of the movie.  I've had my own copy of 
it since McDonald's sold it for like three bucks one year (Anyone 
else remember that?).  Anyway, I remember watching it, and for some 
reason, I didn't like it.  I think I watched it real late and I fell 
asleep before the end, so from then on I was always "Raiders is 
overrated!" and felt the film was overlong and too slow.

No more.  Watching it today, I finally saw it for what it is, and 
that's a great, exciting, funny film.  It's amazing how much your 
opinion can change after just one viewing (Though admittedly, the 
seeds were sown during a script-to-film analysis in a class last 
semester).  Now I'm like "Yeah Raiders!  Bitchin'!"  And this is to 
complete strangers on the street, not just to myself when no one's 
around.  I really dig this movie.

Has there ever been a better action hero than Indiana Jones?  I mean 
he's a tough guy, but he gets the crapped kicked out of him.  Braver 
than anyone else, but he hates snakes.  He's a hero, but he's also a 
bookworm and a bit of a nerd the rare times we see him at his 
university.  He gets the girl, but he also has severe trouble with 
women (Classic moment, he returns to see old flame Marion, and while 
he starts his second sentence to her, she winds up and punches him 
as hard as she can in the jaw).  Indiana Jones is at once someone to 
aspire to, and also someone we relate to.  Somehow, George Lucas, 
Steven Spielberg, Lawrence Kasden, and Harrison Ford, managed to 
create a character that we all look up to, and someone to also laugh 
at and turn our noses at whenever he hits that inevitable snag in 
his plan (Nothing ever goes easy for Indiana Jones after all).  He 
really is an a amazingly constructed character.

I know just about everyone reading this has already seen Raiders 
(It, and its two inferior sequels are on television more than 
syndicated reruns of Friends), but really I was so amazed at how my 
opinion was changed, that I almost felt like I owed it to this movie 
to plug it just a little bit.  So if you haven't seen Raiders of the 
Lost Ark, please do so.  And if you have, catch it again next time 
it's on TBS, and remind yourself why you loved it so much in the 
first place.  Don't let an accident like me happen again.

IF YOU LIKE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, CHECK OUT: True Lies (1994), 
another really good action movie.  Not as good as Raiders, but one 
I'd like to watch again too.

THE BAD
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)
Starring Ryan O'Neil, Eric Idle
Directed by Arthur Hiller (credited as Alan Smithee)
Rated R, 86 minutes.

Most of the ugly films reviewed in this column are watched with a 
group of my friends.  We have big movie nights where we find the 
worst crap possible and mock the hell out of it until we quite 
simply cannot stand anymore.  But as a general rule, we don't stop 
movies in the middle.  You can leave if you want, but the movie 
plays out until the end (Monster From Green Hell is quite the room 
clearer, let me tell you).  At our last gathering, I brought this 
film; I had heard it was really bad, and always wanted to see just 
how bad.  Only twenty minutes into the thing, my friend Chris was 
left with no choice but to turn it off.  He simply couldn't take it 
anymore.  As he put it "That movie kicked my ass!"  This is the guy 
who thinks Santos Versus The Vampire Women is a classic (Okay, so it 
is, but still…).  If he can't stomach it, frankly, no one can.  I
returned home and finished it myself, but it was a battle.  I fell 
asleep and had to rewind and watch the end (Finger stroking the fast 
forward button like it was crack).  This movie really is one of the 
worst ever made.

The premise (Not all that crappy) is that a guy named Alan Smithee 
has directed a dreadful film and wants to take his name off the 
project.  The problem is that Alan Smithee is the name that the 
Director's Guild gives to projects after directors take their names 
off of pictures.  So he is forced to steal the film.

The premise is workable.  Worse ideas have been made into more 
competent films.  The problem here lies in the structure.  Instead 
of watching the film descend into hell, the movie starts after the 
fiasco has come and gone, and takes the shape of a mockumentary, 
where the players in the saga tell their story.  Let me tell you, 
watching this movie really makes me appreciate the work of Christopher 
Guest, writer/director of Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show.  
His fake documentaries are at once funny and realistic, and they 
are always fascinating to watch.  At no point is An Alan Smithee 
Film any of those things.  It is however, pointless, tedious, long 
(at only 86 minutes), painful, awful, deadly boring, and from what 
I understand it has even been known to cause cancer in laboratory 
animals.  It's that bad.

I am baffled by the ineptitude in this movie.  There are good people 
in it; Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, and Jackie Chan all play 
themselves (the stars of Smithee's bomb, entitled Trio).  I don't 
think any of these guys have been worse in any movie.  And to name 
some of the bombs they have starred in, just think Daylight, Theodore 
Rex, and Cannonball Run II.  I'd watch those Clockwork Orange style 
before I sat through this again.  

And why in the world would you make a movie involving a fake movie, 
and only show 1 clip from it in the entire film!  The only thing that 
even gave me a small grin in the film is the first scene, a clip from 
the bomb Trio.  After that it's all downhill, and it's never seen 
again.  This movie is supposed to be so terrible that the director 
is willing to steal the negative and go on the lam for.  That sounds 
like a very funny movie to me, I'd sure like to see it!  Not to 
mention that everyone else in the film is convinced the movie is 
great.  So maybe the movie wasn't that bad after all, maybe Smithee's 
just crazy.  Then again, maybe the movie they made is simply the one 
we're watching.  That'd clear a lot of stuff up actually.

The documentary style of the film is awful.  There is no event, no 
linking element to the film.  It's just interview after interview.  
Any documentarian will tell you that almost all good documentaries 
have an event, that frames their story and helps express the themes 
and ideas they want to communicate to the viewer.  Here, there's 
nothing.  We see people interviewed in the gym, in cars, in limos, 
in restaurants, in offices, basically anywhere they could think of 
to make it look visually interesting.  But nothing goes anywhere, 
cause everything in this stupid movie has already taken place before 
it started!  There's backstory, but no story.

There were so many possibilities.  Why not have Smithee on trial as 
your framing device?  Or how about Smithee coming out of hiding to 
talk about the movie in public for the first time?  How bout the 
event is the film is finally back in the hands of the producers and 
we watch the preparations for the premiere?  Anything would have been 
better than flat out nothing.

Even if there had been a plot though, I doubt anything could have 
saved this movie.  The direction is boring, the acting dreadful, 
and the jokes unfunny.  Heck, I've laughed harder at Gallagher 
specials.  Heck, I've laughed harder at that operation show on the 
Learning Channel.  I've laughed harder pulling my toenails out with 
rusty nails and a switchblade.

Have I made my point?  This film is simply excruciating to watch.  
I think I'm going to go burn ("Burn Burn Hollywood Burn, burn!") my 
copy simply as a cathartic gesture.  Be warned, this filmed has 
kicked many an ass in its time, and should you test your might 
against it, it will surely kick yours as well.

INSTEAD OF AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM, CHECK OUT:  The Player (1992), 
Robert Altman's darkly funny, insightful film about the Hollywood 
system.  In other words, it's everything this movie is, only good.

THE UGLY
No Holds Barred (1989)
Starring Hulk Hogan, Kurt Fuller
Directed by Thomas J. Wright
Rated PG-13, 93 minutes.

The man enters his limo, and suddenly realizes the driver is not 
his own, and the car is speeding out of control.  He realizes he's 
in trouble, and thinking fast, begins to bash the inside of the car.  
Scaring the pants off the driver, he parks it in a warehouse, where a
gang of thugs are waiting to beat our intrepid hero.  With a flourish 
he bursts through the roof of his limo, leaps up, and lands gracefully 
on the roof.  With a strength that would rival the mighty Hercules he 
dispatches with his opponents.  His enemies defeated, the conquering 
warrior looks in the cab and sees the frightened limo driver, still 
pinned to his seat with fear.  He pulls him out of the car and stares 
him down with cold, dead eyes.  Then his nose catches a whiff of an 
odd smell.  "What's the smell?" he growls.  "Dookie!" whimpers the 
grown man, his pants covered in his own feces.  "Dookie?" the hero 
asks back.  End scene.

That's how life goes for Hulk Hogan, arguably the most 
underappreciated hero of our age.  No Holds Barred was only his second 
movie (after his charming debut in the classic Rocky III), and he 
showed a depth of character, and development of acting ability that 
rivaled Jimmy Stewart on his best days.  Well, perhaps not.  But he 
did make a guy crap his pants and then call it "dookie."  In my book 
that counts for something.

I saw No Holds Barred when I was only 8 years old, back when it was 
first released in theaters.  I was in the throes of my wrestling 
phase of youth (Back in the days when wrestling was for children, 
and villains were truly un-p.c. guys like The Iron Sheik), and I was 
about as excited to see this flick as I've ever been for anything.  
I don't remember much about seeing this movie except that my friend, 
his dad, and I were the only ones in the theater.  Today I'd take 
that as a sign that something was wrong.  Back then, I was just 
excited cause Hulk Hogan was in a movie.

What am I Harry Knowles?  Let's cut to the chase; No Holds Barred is 
a bizarre piece of 80s nostalgia that happens to be a very funny ugly 
movie.  But was there ever any doubt?  I mean just listen to the 
plot:

Hulk plays Rip (I would have spelled with two p's but that's just me), 
champion of the World Wrestling Federation.  In this world, wrestling 
is real and deadly serious, and the announcers seem genuinely 
surprised when Hulk beats a rather unimpressive looking opponent at 
the start of the film.  At the same time, a rather whiny television 
executive (Played by Kurt Fuller with the overacting pedal to the 
metal) is looking for ratings.  He wants Rip, evidently a celebrity 
with appeal that far exceeds his wrestling, for his station.  He 
courts Rip, who declines.  To get revenge, and boost ratings, Fuller 
starts a tame version of Ultimate Fighting; he calls it "The Battle 
of the Tough Guys."  Even with a name dumber than "Shasta McNasty" 
the show's a hit, and eventually Rip is dragged into participating.

It all sounds rather droll, but I assure you, this is a movie with 
some seriously funny moments.  For example, Rip's got a younger, 
weaker brother who sort of acts as a trainer/sidekick.  When he's 
hospitalized, we get to see a heart-touching scene in which both 
brothers cry.  Never has a crying scene seemed more forced (Except 
for the infamous Stallone monologue/recipe for soufflé in First 
Blood).  There's also the villain Zeus, who has exactly 1.5 eyebrows, 
and is so cross-eyed that after a while your eyes start to cross 
just watching him.  There's even the "Rip Handsignal" that Rip makes 
to his fans, and they make back.  It's sorta like the Ozzy devil 
sign people make at rock concerts, but with the thumb extended, 
and the index finger curled in.  Rip uses this whenever he wants 
to make a point.  After rejecting the executives' offer, he shoves 
his check down his throat, scares the lackeys and storms out of the 
room.  Everyone is cowering in fear, and looking away.  As Rip gets 
to the doorway, he stops, turns, looks at the camera, and just for 
the audience he does the Rip Handsignal.  Pure hilarity.  I've 
already started using that around my friends.

The fun simply doesn't stop.  Everything in this movie shouts 
"laugh at me!" and it's pretty hard not to enjoy this movie.  It's 
frivolous fluff, it's mindless, it's violent, and includes the 
word "dookie."  How could you go wrong?

IF YOU LIKE NO HOLDS BARRED, CHECK OUT:  Over the Top (1987), a 
Stallone vehicle that I was reminded of when watching No Holds 
Barred.  In it Stallone arm wrestles for the custody of his child.  
You know you want to watch it now.





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