"I Need Attention"

By Matt Singer



{To be read aloud in your finest Rod Serling voice}


Picture if you will a world of super-heroes.  A world of good and evil, much like the 
one you would have read in a child's comic book.  Now, picture if you will, a world in 
which good always triumphs over evil; not because of power, heroism, or intelligence, 
but because of the irresistible nature of Hostess Fruit Pies, Twinkies, and Cup Cakes.  
Whether you noticed it or not you've just entered this very world.  You've just crossed 
over into the Twilight Zone.



Submitted for you approval, one webpage, Seanbaby.com, a page that looks much like 
any other.  Text, pictures, and the like.  But this page also carries a dark secret.  
A secret known only to the inhabitants of the Twilight Zone.  



Featured on this page are listings of bizarre encounters between recognizable heroes 
like Superman, Spider-Man, and Batman.  Recognizable or not, these heroes are seen fighting 
inane and silly villains with names like Cousin Betty (The Plant Lady), Ricochet Monster, 
and the Icemaster. We expect our heroes to triumph, and triumph they do.  However, it is 
not in their usual fashion of fisticuffs and super-powers.  Rather, they induce the 
submission of their foes through pastry coercion.



The time is the late seventies, early eighties, and large comic book companies have 
sold the rights to their iconic characters to a bakery.  What follows is a series of 
bizarre and oddly amusing misadventures, all with one notable characteristic: the Hostess 
name.



As if possessed, hero and villain alike sing the praises of Hostess.  The Waterman 
proclaims to a stunned Iron Man, "Rust!  Rust!  While you rust away, the delicious Hostess 
Cup Cakes stored in the factory lunchroom will be all mine!"  Captain America, symbol of 
freedom and democracy for over half a century proclaims "I bet you can't wait to get your 
hands on these Hostess Fruit Pies."  To which the Goliath responds "What is [Nick] Fury 
compared to this great taste?  Real fruit filling!  Light tender crust!" whereupon Nick
Fury comments "Hostess Fruit Pies!  That's using your brain Cap!"



Over and over the pattern repeats itself.  A seemingly competent villain sets up an 
elaborate plan, only to have it foiled by his unbearable craving for the delightful snacks 
from Hostess.  The Midnight Ladies chose cupcakes over stealing Gotham City's oil supply.  
Baby Face Johnny prefers the smooth taste of real Fruit Pies (apple AND cherry) to beating 
blind super-hero Daredevil to within an inch of his life.  Instead of eating a depowered 
Green Lantern, the monstrous Triclops indulges in Twinkies.



Amusing, yes.  Ironic, perhaps.  Disturbing, incredibly.  Submitted for your approval, 
one website, one company, one message.  The irresistible nature of Hostess snacks.  It's a 
name you can hear everywhere.  It's an idea that you can only know, in the Twilight Zone.





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Special thanks to Seanbaby and his website (The aptly titled Seanbaby.com), a haven 
for these dreadfully made "comics."  You have to admire (or worry about) someone who put 
this much time and effort into cataloguing these freaks of nature from the realm of 
sequential art. My little visit here was a mere introduction, hop over to Sean's website
now for the comprehensive list of the Hostess ads.  You'll thank me later.



That's all for now.  Till next time, keep eating your Hostess Fruit Pies.  Just do 
yourself a favor, and ignore the ingredient list and fat content.  You just don't want to 
know.





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