Because he’s Roger Daltrey, Vlad gets to sing a really bad song as Jamie Blood. The heartfelt, penetratingly poetic chorus goes “Come on bleed for me/Come to me come to me come to me.” The verses include phrases like “I’m gonna make you bleed” and “Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!” Daltrey’s terrible song makes you yearn for the profundity and social activism of C & C Music Factory.

While Vlad/Jamie Blood refuses to just stand there and busts a move, a woman from the planet Drakulon named Ella (Talisa Soto) comes to earth looking for him. She takes the name of Vampirella and dresses in a funky red bikini outfit that is either made out of leather or Fruit Roll-Ups. On Earth, she teams up with a guy named Adam Van Helsing and his crew of government sponsored vampire hunters. These guys have great uniforms; they wear baseball hats with big crosses on them like they’re from a church softball team. They are also, by and large, total idiots. Even after meeting her, learning her name, and seeing a display of her powers, Van Helsing is shocked - shocked! - to learn that Vampirella is, in fact, a vampire.

Just for the sake of clarification: HER NAME IS VAMPIRELLA!

I should go easy on the guy; he probably gets hit in the head a lot in his line of work. He spends the entire movie trying to kill Vlad, then when he has him at gunpoint he handcuffs him. I nearly lost my voice watching this movie I was yelling at the characters so frequently.

Maybe Adam Van Helsing ghostwrote VAMPIRELLA because, in general, it doesn’t make much sense, and is all the funnier for it. I have no idea what a “screen of bio-reflective plasma” is, but after watching this movie I know that there are ten Drakulonian satellites in orbit around earth covered in the stuff. I have no idea why you’d cast John Landis in the role of a Martian astronaut, but there he is, generally being John Landisian.

I do have a favorite minor character though, and when you watch the film look out for him. His name is Carlos (Lenny Juliano), and he has a couple of brief scenes with Vlad’s right hand man Demos (Brian Bloom). After Demos shoots all of Carlos’ men, Carlos starts snarling and growling like a dog. Then they hang him upside down from his feet and let the sunlight him him, and he makes more ridiculous angry noises. Then he starts cursing out Demos in a voice that may have provided the original inspiration for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. “To hell with you Demos!” he howls to my eternal delight. “TO HELL WITH YOU!” I must have watched the scene five times it amused me so much. Bravo to Lenny Juliano, my new favorite ugly movie actor (for me to poop on).

The tagline to VAMPIRELLA is “Thirsty for justice, she’ll settle for blood.” Apparently, she’ll also settle for a really funny bad movie and a costume that would embarrass the most flamboyant stripper. Her loss, our gain. At the risk of sounding egotistical, VAMPIRELLA is uglier than anyone.