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By Maulmistress Rating: NC-17 Codes: J/C, C/7 Author’s Note: Sequel to ‘Hiding in Shadows’ which should be read first in order for this to make sense! All feedback welcome, Maulmistress@yahoo.com Dedicated to the girlies on VAMB board, because they asked nicely! Hehe “Enjoy your lunch, Captain?” I flash my secretary a conspiratorial smile. “Hardly – I was joined by Professor Gilbert and, between you and me, that man gives me heartburn!” She laughs and hands me my afternoon appointments on a PADD. “Oh, Admiral Janeway called and asked me to schedule a meeting, which I have, for 1630hrs today …” My heart thumps in my chest at the mention of Kathryn’s name. It’s been almost two weeks since our illicit weekend at her house, while Seven was away visiting her aunt. Although, with hindsight, that weekend was a double edged sword; forty-eight delightful hours living with Kathryn, laughing, talking, touching … then the sickening realisation that it could never be more than a stolen weekend, that I was not free to love her openly, that she wasn’t mine, that it was not her holo-image gracing my desk. “ … and your wife called …” I try to concentrate. “ … she said to remind you of her appointment with the Doctor.” “Thank you, Sarah.” I pretend not to notice the hostility in her voice when she speaks about my wife. Unfortunately, since our arrival back in the Alpha Quadrant, Seven has seemed intent on alienating every person she meets. I thought at first it was her fear of Earth, her unease regarding humanity, but now I’m no longer sure. She despises San Francisco and Starfleet and can’t understand why I choose to remain in their ranks. I have tried explaining how much I enjoy teaching at the Academy, how my students challenge me and how gratifying it is to install in them the knowledge and tactics they will need to serve on a starship. What I don’t mention to Seven though, is my need to remain close to Kathryn. I enter my office and head for the replicator, ordering myself a herbal tea before sitting down in the antique leather chair, a gift from Tom and B’Elanna when I accepted this post. The leather squeaks as I get settled and activate my monitor, pulling up the record of the first of the three cadets I have meeting with me. The other lecturers joke that I’m the most popular teacher merely because of my connection to Voyager and its famous Captain, Kathryn Janeway. Perhaps it’s true, certainly every student who comes to my office always stares at the holo-image of Voyager’s Senior Staff adorning my wall. My eyes drift to the familiar image, taken during one of Neelix’s morale boosting parties on the holodeck. I remember Kathryn’s reluctance to have her photograph taken whilst wearing a swimsuit and sarong – and Paris cheekily telling her that a holo-image of her like that would boost his morale no end! I chuckle at the memory, but at the time I wanted to throttle him! He was right though, the sight of Kathryn dressed in a swimsuit always raised my morale, amongst other things! The door chime sounds, pulling me from my reverie. I straighten my shoulders and signal for my visitor to enter. * * * * Three hours later, on the other side of the Academy, I’m the one being nervously led into an office. Kathryn is sitting behind her desk, looking immaculate in her uniform with her hair pulled back into the normal pleat. She barely smiles and I’m wondering if this is an official visit. “Hello, Admiral,” I greet. She acknowledges me with a terse, “Captain,” then turns her attention towards the Ensign in the room with us. “Thank you, Jacob. Why don’t you finish for the day? Surprise your wife by actually arriving home at a reasonable hour,” she grins. It’s obviously a long-standing joke between them and Jacob makes some kind of reply, before leaving us alone. Kathryn notices my formal posture. “At ease, before you sprain something, Chakotay. Can I get you something? Tea? Coffee?” A kiss is my first thought, but judging from the way she’s keeping her distance; it’s probably out of the question. “I’m okay, thanks,” I reply, unsure whether to sit or not. “Suit yourself.” She walks to the replicator. “Coffee, black.” I continue to hover uncertainly whilst she retrieves her beverage and returns to her desk. “Take a seat,” she says, pointing at the chair opposite hers, keeping the desk as a barrier between us. I dutifully sit – and wait for whatever bombshell she’s about to drop. She takes a sip of the coffee and I’m not sure whether it’s a delay tactic or a manoeuvre designed to throw me even more off-guard. “We need to talk,” she begins, and I notice for the first time that she’s avoiding my eye. “Okay.” I draw out my response and try to think of something else to add. In my gut I’m afraid she’s going to start one of her ‘we shouldn’t do this’ talks and wonder if we can survive another heart-wrenching afternoon filled with recriminations and accusations. “What about?” I finally venture. “About this,” Kathryn reaches for a PADD on her desk and offers it to me. “Seems your little plan finally paid off, congratulations.” I give her a quizzical look and accept the PADD. “What plan?” She remains silent as I activate it and stare at the data it reveals. It’s a medical report. “I’m pregnant,” she unnecessarily adds. I stare at the readings in my hand. “I can assure you they’re authentic,” she snaps. I mumble the only response I can manage. “Shit.” “Not quite the support I was looking for.” “Shit.” I can’t seem to say anything else. Although I’m still staring at the PADD, I’m aware of Kathryn crossing to the window and looking down at the Academy grounds. “Congratulations, Chakotay, you’ve managed to knock up both your wife and your mistress.” “Shit.” She swings around. “Can’t you say anything else? You were the one who fucking planned this, I thought you might at least be a little pleased!” I look up; meeting the glare she’s throwing my way and notice the vulnerability beneath it she’s trying desperately to hide. “I’m sorry, Kathryn. I just can’t believe this is happening.” “Well believe it, because it is.” I run my fingers through my hair. “How far along are you?” “Six weeks.” “Three weeks behind Seven.” I could kick myself. “I didn’t realise it was a competition,” she deadpans. “That’s not what I meant.” She places her hands on her hips and stares me down. “Oh? And what did you mean, Chakotay?” I rub my face and try to formulate an answer. She misreads my silence. “No … no … don’t ask me that, Chakotay! Don’t ask me to terminate this pregnancy – to kill our child …” I jump up. “You really think I would ask that? That I’d want you to …” I can’t finish, can’t even say the words. Her commanding façade evaporates. “I don’t know … no … no … oh, God, this is such a mess … I don’t want to face this alone …” Alone. I spent seven years trying to convince her she wasn’t alone, that I was by her side, trying to make her burdens lighter, trying to get her to lean on me for support … and now, the first time she does, I let her down. “Kathryn, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I move to her, grateful when she allows me to take her in my arms. “We’ll work this out, Kathryn, it’ll be okay. I promise.” I’m not sure which one of us I’m attempting to reassure. She peers up at me and her beautiful blue eyes are shining with unshed tears. “I’m sorry …” I press a kiss into her hair and feel my own tears escape down my cheeks. “I love you, everything will be okay.” She buries her face in the crook of my neck and sobs openly. “I’m not trying to trap you … force you into leaving her … please believe me …” A sickening guilty feeling washes over me and settles in my gut as I realise for the first time what I’ve done. “It’s my fault. I’m the one who trapped you, made you pregnant … Spirits … I’m such a bastard … you must hate me.” Her fingers silence me. “No. I love you. I love this child. I want this baby, Chakotay, make no mistake about that. And I’m prepared to raise him or her alone, if that’s what I have to do.” “I want us to raise this child together … I just need time …” Kathryn slips from my arms and moves to sit on the couch. She rests her elbows on her knees and massages her temples. “You can’t abandon her, Chakotay.” “She’s not the one I want!” Even I can hear the desperation in my voice. “Maybe not, but she’s the one you married and she’s carrying your baby.” “So are you!” She looks up at me sadly. “I know, but I’m the third wheel here and no matter how badly I’d like to run off and play happy families with you, I just can’t do that to Seven. I couldn’t live with myself. God knows I feel guilty enough as it is.” “Then what are we meant to do? Because I can tell you right now, I’m not giving you up.” “I don’t know,” she whispers and I see a single tear roll over her cheek. “I guess I could tell people I got pregnant after a one night stand … that I don’t really remember who he was … I don’t suppose many people would question an Admiral to their face … except my mother and Phoebe …” Her flippant solution riles me. “I won’t let you do that, Kathryn! I won’t let you pass this baby off as the unfortunate result of a drunken encounter! We’ll just have to come clean …” Her eyes narrow and flash dangerously. “Oh? And that’s your big plan? You’re just planning to announce it and then expect everything to continue as before? Don’t you think Seven will have something to say?” “I don’t give a damn about Seven!” “And what about me and my baby?” She places a hand over her stomach and I jealously wish I could do that right now, that I could touch our child, touch her … wait a moment … ‘My child’? I set her straight. “Your child, Kathryn? This baby is ours!” “But I’ll be the one raising it! I’ll be the one decorating the nursery, giving birth, getting up through the night changing the dirty diapers, picking out birthday presents, schools …” she grabs a breath, “and you’ll be the man who visits us whenever he can get away from his other family! The father who won’t be there for Thanksgiving and holidays, or parent’s evenings or sports days!” I kneel before her and roughly take her shoulders. “Damnit, Kathryn, do you think I want any of that? I want to be there for you, for our child! I don’t want to be an absent father! I want to watch you bring our baby into this messed up world, I want to carve her a cradle and be there to rock her to sleep in it, I want to hold her up whilst she puts the fairy on the Christmas tree … I want ‘daddy’ to be her first word … and,” I pause before continuing, “I want to wake up every morning next to the woman I love and steal a quick kiss before our daughter runs in and pounces on us …” I’ve no idea I’m crying until Kathryn cups my face and brushes the tears away with her thumbs. “You think … it’s a girl?” Her smile reminds me of the time I told her the ‘Angry Warrior’ legend and I inwardly cringe at the memory. If I hadn’t been such a fucking coward about my feelings for her, all this could’ve been avoided. We would be together now, married, and excitedly awaiting the birth of our first child. I swear if I ever come across the same time-travelling device the other Admiral Janeway used, I’m going to go back in time and make this woman love me! She told me, only a few months ago, that if I’d ever taken the initiative and kissed her, or pinned her against the wall and taken her, all those damned protocols would’ve been tossed out of the nearest airlock! I tell my mind, and my groin, to forget the afternoon we recreated that scenario and concentrate instead on answering her. “Yes, I think our baby’s a little girl.” “Why?” I’m drowning in her blue depths. “I don’t think I can explain it exactly, I just know that she’s going to be as beautiful and wonderful as her mommy …” Her warm breath caresses my face as she leans closer and whispers, “Oh, Chakotay …” Kathryn presses her lips to mine for a heartbreakingly tender kiss. “Now, why don’t you get up off the floor and come sit with me?” she teases, patting the couch and flashing me that quirky half-smile I love. I grin back and get up off my knees with a groan. “These Starfleet floors don’t get any more comfortable!” “Oh? And just how many floors have you been on, Captain?” “Only yours,” I quip, settling into the corner of the couch and drawing her into my arms. “Good,” she answers, snuggling closer. I love the supple press of her body next to mine, the way she feels in my arms – of course I prefer it when we’re both naked and I can touch and explore her delicate curves, but even fully clothed it’s still nice. I remember the first time we made love; I just couldn’t get enough of her. I kissed and tasted every inch of her incredible body, trying to make up for all those years I’d spent fantasizing about doing exactly that. I think, once the initial passion simmered down, that she was embarrassed by my fascination, worried I would compare her body to Seven’s and self-conscious of the weight she’d put on around her tummy. I had kissed and stroked her adorable, round little belly and whispered how much I loved her, how beautiful she was, how perfect. I love how soft and womanly she is; such a contrast to the hard, metallic flesh of my wife. “I’m sorry about last week,” she begins. “Not being able to meet you …” “That’s okay,” I lie, thinking back to the afternoon I’d wasted in that dingy motel waiting for her. “My mother hasn’t been well. She’s had an awful flu bug and Phoebe called at the last moment asking me to go visit … I think with the twins she’s been struggling to care for mom … the twins are a complete handful, into everything! Obviously they take after their mother,” she chuckles and caresses her belly. “Our child will be much better behaved.” I move my hand closer. “May I?” “Of course,” she flashes me a bright smile and places my hand on her tummy. Despite the layers of uniform, I can feel the warmth of her belly under my palm and my eyes moisten. The knowledge that our baby is nestled safely inside, growing and developing is nothing short of amazing. I’m unable to speak, over-whelmed by the love and tenderness I feel for both this woman and the miracle she is giving me. “I know its early days, but I swear I can feel her,” she whispers, pressing my hand down firmer. “Just there, my stomach seems firmer …” Her enthusiasm and the reference to our baby being a girl make me smile. “Okay, maybe it’s my imagination …” “I feel it too,” I tell her, gently prodding the area with my fingertips. “I’m so glad, I thought it was just me,” she beams then winces as I prod too hard. “Hey, kiddo, say hello to your daddy, he’s the one poking you!” “Sorry,” I chuckle, flattening my palm over her tummy. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” she asks, “I mean, I’m a scientist, right? I know about the various stages of development and the fact that right now she’s not so much a baby as a fusion of cells, but I’m so full of love and wonder it’s incredible! And yet at the same time, I’m concerned that I’ll do this right. As Voyager’s Captain I had 152 people dependant on me, but this is different, this is one tiny little baby who’s totally dependant on me to love and nurture her and, to be honest, Chakotay, it scares me to death!” I hold her gaze. “You shouldn’t doubt yourself, Kathryn. I know you’re going to be the best mommy this Quadrant has ever seen.” Her eyes mist over. “Thank you.” “After all, you’ve beaten the Kazon, the Hirogen, the Borg …” She smiles at my teasing. “Yes, but it was my coffee habit that helped beat the Borg and I’ve already been ordered to reduce my intake to two cups a day. How am I going to survive on that?” “I could stop by and give you a therapeutic shoulder massage everyday,” I offer, with a not-so-innocent grin. “Make it a sensual full body massage and you just might have yourself a deal, mister,” she replies huskily. I capture her lips with a groan and kiss her long and deep, trying desperately to forget that the promise of a daily massage is another promise that I can’t keep. Spirits, I want to crawl inside this woman and never come out. I clutch at her face and drive my tongue repeatedly into her mouth. “Trying to choke me?” she gasps, pulling away. I dip my head, feeling a little ashamed. “Sorry, I guess I got carried away.” “Well, if you get carried away like that again, you might find yourself having to give me a totally different kind of mouth to mouth!” she coughs, poking me in the ribs for good measure. In my mind I’m back on that deserted planet, the shuttle crash, her lifeless body, my frantic efforts to resuscitate her … she was so limp and pale, so tiny in my arms and I was losing her … breathing into her, hard … pumping her chest … trying to remember my First Aid whilst panicking she would die without ever knowing how much I loved her … I’ve seen and suffered enough tragedy in my life, I’ve lost my family, my home planet, my ideals and at times my pride, but nothing compares to the fear of losing Kathryn. The image of her lifeless body in my arms tormented my dreams for a long while and I’d wake, shouting her name and drenched with sweat. Afterwards, we’d gone sailing on a holographic Lake George, with champagne and moonlight and she’d looked so vibrant, so full of life and I’d wanted so much to take her in my arms and lavish her with all the love I had. It didn’t happen. I respected those parameters she’d set in place, respected her friendship enough not to jeopardize it, no matter how kissable her lips looked. Another wasted opportunity. “Hey, you fallen asleep on me?” she asks, with another nudge to my ribs. “No, just thinking.” “Oh.” I can tell from her voice she knows exactly what it is I’m thinking of and we both fall silent, each dealing with the same thoughts and memories. Eventually I speak. “Is your mother feeling better?” “Oh, yes, she’s back to her normal brownie baking self.” Gretchen Janeway’s chocolate brownies are something else and after tasting one, I finally understood Kathryn’s disappointment with both her replicated version and Neelix’s creation. “Don’t suppose you have any stashed here in your office do you, Admiral?” “I might, greedy,” she presses a kiss under my jaw. “Although, if you hadn’t left Voyager’s anniversary party so early last week; you could have had your own batch! Mom had baked enough for all the senior staff. Where did you suddenly disappear to anyway? I was hoping for at least one dance with my former First Officer … and lover,” she whispers, nibbling the spot she’s just kissed. I inch my head away from her. “I thought Admiral Peterson had your dance card fully booked.” Damnit, you don’t need to be a Betazoid to hear the jealousy in my voice. Kathryn gives an exasperated sigh and leans up. “I’ve already told you, Chakotay, there is nothing going on between me and Adam.” Oh so it’s Adam now is it? A tiny, nasty voice screams in my head. “Maybe you should explain that to him. He looked like a predator circling his prey.” “Prey? Really, Chakotay, you do have a flair for the dramatic!” I’d like to challenge Peterson to a bout in the ring, knock that fucking slimy grin clear off his adolescent, acne-ridden face … “Adam is not an adolescent, neither does he have acne,” she corrects and I realise, all too late, that I have spoken out loud. “You know, as well as I, that he’s thirty-one and twice divorced. The only child here is you.” It’s out my mouth before I can think. “Oh yeah? Then maybe you can explain his fascination with your breasts, I thought from the way he was hungrily staring at them that it was time for his dinner!” She extricates herself from my arms and sits up. “That’s disgusting.” I’ve gone too far. “Kathryn, I’m sorry …” “I wore that dress for you, you asshole! I wanted to dress up and look pretty for you and you never came anywhere near me!” Why am I always pushing and testing her? Why can’t I believe she loves me? “Kathryn,” I reach for her arm. “Leave, get the hell out,” she seethes, knocking my hand away. “I’m sorry, for everything,” I begin. “I’m such a bastard …” She makes a ‘harrumphing’ noise at the back of her throat but I continue. “I love you, you know that, you mean the world to me, but I can’t help feeling jealous when other men are paying you attention and holding you …” “We were dancing!” “I know, I know, but I can’t help the way I feel … don’t you think I wanted to dance with you? Arrive with you? Show everyman in that damn ballroom that you were mine?” I think back to how she looked that evening, dressed in a full-length red gown that clung to all the right places. “You looked beautiful, Kathryn, and it broke my heart that I wasn’t the man at your side. I couldn’t bear that idiot Peterson fawning over you and had to leave before I made a scene and embarrassed us all.” Her eyes are soft and dewy. “Oh, Chakotay, I love you, I’m carrying your child … darling, you have no reason to worry or doubt me.” “I guess the saying is right, ‘there’s no fool like an old fool’,” I say, giving my earlobe a tug. “You’ll never be old to me,” she whispers, leaning closer. I cup her cheek and draw her nearer then pause for a moment to look deep in her eyes. I truly love this woman and wish for the millionth time that I’d waited longer, but sometimes shallow love is better than none at all. If only I’d known. “What are you waiting for, Chakotay, an invitation?” “Some things are worth waiting for …” “Amen to that,” she breaths. I tip her chin up so that my mouth hovers over hers and decide to prolong the teasing. Using the tip of my tongue, I torment her lips with gentle flicks until they part and allow me to slide inside. I can’t help groaning as her tongue eagerly greets mine. They duel wetly for a few moments before she pushes mine aside to thoroughly explore my mouth. Spirits, she can drive me insane with that tongue! I give another groan and she chuckles as she continues to tantalise me, fucking my mouth with her hot, darting tongue. My cock reacts, prodding solidly against her thigh and her palm covers it, massaging it through the coarse material of my pants. Kathryn’s touch is exquisite, but I need her to unzip my fly and release me … spirits, it’s been a long time since we’ve taken the risk and made out on this couch. My hand starts wandering down her body, finally coming to rest on the curve of her buttock. She moans in appreciation as I give it a squeeze, whilst my free hand moves to fondle a breast, the thick fabric of her jacket impeding my explorations. I growl as I tug it open and burrow my hand underneath her turtleneck, quickly pushing her bra up to free her breasts. I love the feel of her bare breasts, the weight of them, the fleshy supple warmth, the gorgeous rosy nipples ... She murmurs as I flick one with my thumb then suddenly breaks the kiss with a gasp when I pinch it between my fingers and twist. My mouth slides along her jaw and suckles at her neck. “Does that feel good?” I rasp, pulling her nipple taut and rolling it. “Chakotay, stop, you’re hurting me,” she squeaks. It takes a moment for my lust-addled brain to realise that she’s not enjoying my rough groping. “Kathryn?” I stop my fevered tweaking, but continue to cup her breast, rubbing my palm over the abused, swollen tip. She winces and her hand abandons my erection to cover mine, stilling it. “Sorry, they’re a little tender.” “Been a little too harsh in your ministrations, Kathryn?” I whisper, recalling the time she had sent me a holo-recording of her masturbating while I was away on a tactical weekend. She was so sexy. I couldn’t wait for our next rendezvous so that I could ask for a repeat performance. Kathryn made me promise to destroy the recording – another promise I’ve failed to keep. It’s stashed in a secret drawer in my office. “Contrary to what you might believe, Chakotay, I don’t spend all my off-hours playing with myself!” she chuckles, not noticing her slip. “Just a few of them,” I cheekily counter. “Mind you, if I was a woman I’d spend all day playing with these,” I tell her, giving her breast a light squeeze. She arches her back and clucks her tongue. “Is that so? Well right now they’re a little too sore for that.” I frown at her not really understanding. “It’s a side effect of being pregnant, along with the morning sickness,” she explains with a grimace. “Dr Pulaski told me it was perfectly normal and to be expected.” My hand slides from her breast to her abdomen. “Dr Pulaski?” “Yes, she’s the head of Starfleet Medical. I thought it wise to avoid our own doctor; I didn’t want him noticing any similarities between my scans and Seven’s.” Seven … Doctor … “Oh shit!” Kathryn leans up a little. “Chakotay, what’s wrong?” I sit upright. “I was supposed to attend Seven’s examination with the Doctor. Computer, what’s the time?” I listen at the computer dutifully informs me that I’ve missed the appointment. “Fuck!” Kathryn’s voice is cold and edged with steel. “I’m sorry I detained you.” I run my fingers through my hair and sigh in exasperation. “Kathryn, I didn’t mean it like that …” She scrambles away to the other side of the couch. “Just go.” I surreptitiously watch as she fumbles beneath her turtleneck and jiggles her breasts back into their lacy confine. Spirits help me; I can feel my dwindling hardon reasserting itself. She gives me an icy stare. “Forget it. I’m not delaying you any more than I already have!” “Kathryn … I’m sorry …” “So am I,” she snaps, rising to her feet and refastening her jacket. “I’m sorry I ever got involved with you!” “You don’t mean that …” “Don’t flatter yourself, Chakotay! After seven long years of celibacy I think I deserve more than a cheap fling with a married man, don’t you?” “It’s more than that and you know it!” “I should’ve kept Seven’s damn holo-programme …” I stand and grasp her elbow, bringing her around to face me. “What holo-programme?” “It doesn’t matter.” “It matters to me!” She pinches the bridge of her nose. “Seven was using the holodeck to experiment with personal relationships … she had holographic representations of the senior staff to practice her skills at interaction …” “And?” I know she’s holding something back. Kathryn continues with a sigh. “She had created her own quarters, complete with piano, kitchen and … boyfriend.” A sickening idea is nagging at me. This is the first time I’ve heard any of this. “Who was the boyfriend?” “You, Chakotay. She had used your image.” Once again I’ve been fooled by a woman – or in this case, two of them. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I yell, digging my fingers into her arm. She tries to squirm away. “Let me go!” The Angry Warrior returns full force and his wrath is aimed at the tiny woman before him. “Answer me, Kathryn!” “I didn’t know! I swear! I only found out during debriefings … and by then it was already too late!” “You should’ve told me!” She wrenches her arm free and rubs it. “When? When should I have told you, Chakotay? When you came and told me you were getting married? When you asked me to help Seven choose her wedding dress? When you threw me against that hotel wall and fucked my brains out? Or maybe afterwards when your head was between my thighs?” She grabs a breath. “At what point should I have mentioned it?” My anger fades. “I don’t know.” “Don’t you think that if I’d have known on Voyager what she was up to, I’d have made damn sure it would have been my bed you were warming? Do you think it’s been easy for me to stand back and watch …” her breathing hitches, “the man I love marry a woman I rescued from the Borg? I practically raised her! She was like a daughter to me! Neither of you have any idea the amount of anguish you’ve caused me! She stole my man!” The accompanying pout is adorably cute. “I’m still here,” I whisper, gently wiping her tears. “But you belong to her!” I rest my forehead against hers. “I may be married to Seven, Kathryn, but I’ll always belong to you and I’m sorry for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused you – and still cause you – but I love you more than life itself …” She’s crying openly now. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be …” My gut twists at the thought of how much I’ve put this woman through. I can’t let her go, but I can’t commit to her either. She’s right, she does deserve more. I’m a selfish bastard. “Kathryn, I promise you …” Her fingers cover my lips. “No, no more promises, Chakotay.” “But …” She places a swift kiss on my cheek then steps back. “Its late, you should go home.” What does that mean? Is she finishing with me? Is she still angry with me? “Kathryn …” I reach out for her hand but she turns away. “I need some time to think things through, Chakotay.” “How long?” She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know … two weeks maybe … without any contact.” My heart is breaking. “I’m not sure I can manage that.” “Try.” Just one word. “I’ll leave her … I’ll go home tonight and tell her!” I’m grasping and we both know it. “Stop it, Chakotay!” she cries then takes a moment to compose herself before turning around. “I’ll speak with you in two weeks.” I can barely see her through my tears. “I love you …” “I know.” I notice the medical PADD and pick it up. “Can I take this?” She nods her consent. “Two weeks, Kathryn …” “Yes.” I leave her, standing alone in the middle of her office, lips still swollen from our kisses and tears rolling down her cheeks. It breaks my heart. Outside, I briskly rub my face to remove any trace of tears and soft pink lipstick then jog towards the Medical Complex. As I run I can’t help thinking about Kathryn and the baby and how badly I want them. Then Seven’s impassive face enters my mind and I’m reminded of another baby. Fuck, I’ve really gotten myself into a mess. I’m married to a woman I have hardly anything in common with, whilst the woman I love stays hidden in the background like some dirty, sordid secret. And both of them are carrying my baby. What a monumental fuck up! Why didn’t I wait longer? Why didn’t I push Kathryn to reveal her feelings earlier? Damn her, if she hadn’t played the fucking martyr so long, none of this would’ve happened! I remember her face as I left and the anger dies, replaced by an over-whelming need to be with her. I know what it is I want. I want Kathryn and our child … Seven … I slow to a walk and think about Seven, my wife. I know I care for her, but love was always the missing element. How can you give your heart when it already belongs to another? My spirit guide laughed when I told her I was planning on accepting Seven’s offer of a date. Not just a chuckle either, it was a big howling, belly laugh. I should’ve reconsidered my answer, but, as my father had always said, I’m too contrary for my own good. Maybe it was the boost to my ego, after all, I’d not had much luck with women in the Delta Quadrant; my disastrous affair with the double-crossing Seska, my well-known unrequited love for Kathryn, the mind-melding Riley fiasco, some phantom woman I only know of from a few handwritten notes and a date with species 8472! Not a great success story, huh? Then along came Seven. I can’t deny I was originally attracted to her, I mean, what red blooded man wouldn’t be? But her residual Borgness left me cold. I never understood what redeeming features Kathryn saw in her. For a while, after she joined our crew, it seemed like she had the solutions to every problem we encountered. I’ll admit I was jealous of the amount of time Kathryn devoted to her and the way she consulted Seven on major issues instead of me. I was the First Officer in name only. Kathryn didn’t need me, either as a friend or XO and the resentment built, pushing aside the love I had for her. The Equinox incident was the last straw. I didn’t even recognise that woman who’d ruthlessly risked Noah Lessing’s life. She certainly wasn’t my Kathryn and I think we were both aware of the irreparable damage to our relationship, professional and private. The gulf made it easier to accept Seven’s invitation to join her on the holodeck for dinner. I arrived to find Sandrine’s running and Seven wearing a pale blue dress that highlighted her eyes and her excellent figure. Her hair was down and loosely curled and she looked more like one of Michael Angelo’s painted angels than a Borg drone! I’ll admit I was surprised to find myself enjoying her company and her newly developed sense of humour. She asked me about my people and traditions, showing an interest Kathryn no longer showed. We talked about our recent expedition – and shuttle crash – and she teased me about my piloting skills. I told her she’d been listening to Paris too much! It had been a long while since I’d had such a pleasant and relaxing time and I quickly agreed to meet her the following evening. We were planning our forth date, a picnic in the cargo bay, when Admiral Janeway showed up and threw a galactic spanner in the works. With hindsight, it was a little early, and perhaps and little desperate, of me to declare I’d stay within transporter range of Seven and the one factor I hadn’t considered was Kathryn. Our debriefings were lengthy and intense, more so for Kathryn as she defended every minor and major decision she’d made out there, but eventually they ended and Tom arranged a private party for the senior staff at the real Sandrine’s. I had arrived with Seven on my arm and was immediately aware of two things; the dark looks B’Elanna shot our way and how relaxed and happy Kathryn appeared. She was slaughtering Tom at the pool table and laughing openly at his sulky ribbing. I was jealous and a little surprised when she told him to stop calling her Captain and call her Kathryn, saying that she was free now to be their friend instead of their commanding officer. Tom being Tom, took the further liberty of shortening it to ‘Katie’ and instead of a death glare, he was rewarded with a beautiful, sunny smile. I had spent the entire evening mesmerised, totally enraptured by her. This was the Kathryn I had fallen in love with all those years ago, the Kathryn I wanted in my life and bed. It was my lustful infatuation that led to my agreeing to Seven’s marriage proposal. Apparently, she had been consulting her Aunt Irene regarding our future living arrangements and had been told that it was unacceptable for her to live with me outside of wedlock. I remember absently thinking how archaic her aunt was, whilst watching Kathryn bend for a difficult shot. “I wish to announce our engagement.” Seven had said, standing up and calling for everyone’s attention. I stood dumbly by her side as she made her speech, watching Kathryn’s face the whole time, looking for a reason not to do this. Instead, Kathryn was one of the first to congratulate us, hugging Seven then me. I clung to her, feeling the answering press of her body against mine. “Congratulations.” She had whispered hotly into my ear and I knew right there and then I had lost the other half of my soul. I enter Starfleet Medical and take the elevator up to the floor where Voyager’s former Chief Medical Officer rules, with a combination of sheer brilliance and caustic wit. “Ah, Captain Chakotay, glad you could make an appearance, although obviously you’ve missed Seven – as she was here on time …” He trails off and pretends to study his instruments, just one of his many annoying habits. “I got delayed, Doctor,” I explain. “Hmmm, I’m sure I don’t have to point out how much your wife needs your support right now. It’s a life altering event having a baby and, even though Seven has a very distinctive biology, she is none-the-less susceptible to the normal rush of hormones that can make women very emotional during pregnancy. She may appear to be functioning within acceptable parameters, Captain, but underneath all that Borg armour, she is still a woman and she needs comfort and understanding.” “Is there something wrong?” I ask, fighting back the image of Kathryn alone and upset. “No, nothing at all,” he breezes, “thanks to my exceptional care.” He peers at me closely and I worry he’s spotted a smudge of Kathryn’s lipstick. “You’re looking flushed, Captain, are you feeling unwell?” “I’m fine, thank you. I just rushed over here, that’s all.” “Hmmm, well, I’ll be the judge of that,” he says, scanning me with his tricorder. “Increased heart rate, elevated levels of endorphins, shortness of breath …” I step away from his probing and weakly joke. “Like I said, I rushed over here. Guess I keep forgetting I’m fifty, not thirty.” He waltzes towards his desk. “You know what they say, Captain, you’re as old as the woman you feel!” His smile drops when he realises I haven’t found that funny. “Ah, yes, well,” he coughs. “Perhaps you’d be so kind as to give this to Seven.” He hands me a PADD identical to the one I’m carrying in my pocket. “I thought perhaps you and Seven would appreciate a little keepsake of her first proper examination, so I took the liberty of creating this …” For the second time today I’m staring at medical data concerning a child I’ve fathered. I scroll through the information then frown as I notice something. “It says here that Seven’s twelve weeks pregnant.” “Yes, that’s correct,” he trills. “I thought she was only nine weeks …” “It’s perfectly normal for some women to get confused. Obviously the Borg aren’t very good with menstrual cycles and ovulation! But on the bright side, your child will be born in roughly six months – give or take a few weeks,” he chuckles. “Yeah, er, thanks,” I mumble distractedly. “Well, I’ll be off. Have a good evening, Doctor.” I head for the door. “You too, Captain. And if you happen to see our illustrious Admiral Janeway sometime, can you remind her that her physical is due?” “I’ll do my best,” I toss back over my shoulder. * * * * I enter my office and call for lights. Heading for my desk, I sit in the familiar leather chair and activate the communications console. I stare at the two PADDS whilst I wait for Seven to open a channel. She doesn’t answer and I realise that she’s either annoyed with me or she’s not at home. After leaving a message, apologising for the missed appointment and saying I’ll be late back, I log off and focus my attention on the medical reports. I scroll through them, despite my inability to decipher most of the medical jargon and data. Unfortunately, mouth to mouth resuscitation and the healing of the odd boxing cut is the extent and limitations of my medical expertise. Crossing to the replicator, I order myself an herbal tea. It appears and I take a sip, whilst my eyes wander to the senior staff holo-image on the wall. A sharp ache stabs at my gut as I stare at Kathryn’s beautiful face and I wish I could talk to her and hear her voice. I recall the Doctor’s advice regarding women and pregnancy then find myself hailing her office. “Damnit,” I curse, realising I’ve missed her. I pick up Dr Pulaski’s evaluation of Kathryn and notice something. Grabbing Seven’s report I try to compare them, but my lack of medical training frustrates me and, with a pounding heart, I hail the one person I know who can help me decipher all this. “Hey, Chief, what’s up? If you’re after B’Elanna, she’s just putting Miral to bed,” Tom says. “Actually, Tom, it was you I wanted to speak to. Are you free this evening?” “Er, yeah, sure … you wanna come over?” I tug nervously on an earlobe. “I was hoping you would come here, to my office.” Tom shoots me a wary look. “Is this official?” “No, I just need your help with a little problem.” “Okay, give me twenty minutes and I’ll be there.” “Thanks, Tom.” I cut the link and contemplate whether I’ve done the right thing but then I guess I’ll find out soon enough. To fill the time, I programme a pepperoni pizza into the replicator and grab a couple of beers from the cooler in the teacher’s mess down the hall. I’m carrying them back when I bump into Tom. “Hi Tom.” “Hey Chief, what’s the emergency?” I lead Tom into my office and gesture for him to take a seat on the couch. Handing him a beer, and opening one for myself, I begin to explain. “A friend of mine has gotten himself into a bit of a situation …” “Anyone I know?” he asks, swallowing a gulp of beer. I grab the PADDS and perch uncomfortably on the hard chair opposite him. “No … it’s another teacher here … you wouldn’t know him …” “Okay,” Paris shrugs. “He’s married … and he’s also having an … affair …” I cringe inwardly at the way that particular choice of word seems to cheapen the relationship I have with Kathryn. “I see. That’s like playing pool on two tables.” “What?” Was Paris drinking before he came over? “Your pal might have the balls, but sooner or later his sticks gonna wear out,” Tom laughs. Wearing my stick out is the least of my problems right now! I fake a chuckle then continue. “Two weeks ago, he found out that his wife is pregnant …” “Well, that’ll certainly curtail the amount of time he’s got for screwing around!” “Today, his …” I’m loath to use the term ‘mistress’ “… girlfriend …” not much better “…told him she’s also pregnant.” Tom’s eyebrows rise. “Wow! No kidding!” I put the PADDS down on the coffee table. “These are the medical reports on both women …” “Chakotay …” Tom holds up a hand in protest. “Tom, please …” He falls silent and I press on. “He thinks there’s a discrepancy between these two reports, but he doesn’t have the medical knowledge to decipher it – that’s where you come in.” Tom points his beer bottle at the PADDS. “This is isn’t exactly ethical.” “I realise that.” I hold my breath and wait. Paris takes another slug of beer before reaching out and taking one of the PADDS. He activates it and scrolls through the information. “Holy cow!” he exclaims. “These are Kathryn Janeway’s notes.” “I know.” He looks at me suspiciously then picks up the other PADD. “Borg nanoprobes?” he asks, peering up at me. “There is no friend is there, Chakotay? The only teacher fooling around with both Kathryn Janeway and Seven of Nine is you.” I acknowledge him with a quick nod then lower my head. “I know what you must be thinking …” He leans forward and in a low voice tells me, “You have no idea.” “I never intended for this to happen.” A small white lie, but Tom’s not to know that. “You just thought you could have your fun and get away with it, right?” “No!” “Look, Chakotay, I don’t give a flying fuck what you do with your life, but I won’t stand back and let you hurt Katie … or Seven,” he adds. I jump up and start pacing angrily. “And you think I would want to hurt Kathryn?” The omission hangs heavily in the air. “What about Seven? After all, she’s your wife. She’s the one you turned your back on Katie for.” Talk about salt and wounds. I sit again and try to make Paris understand. “You have no idea the guilt I feel, but I can’t let Kathryn go. I love her, Tom, with everything I am, and this situation is tearing both of us apart!” “Does Seven know?” I shake my head. “No, the only other person who knows is you.” “Thanks,” he retorts sarcastically. I offer him the PADDS. “Please, Tom … take a look …” “And what am I supposed to be looking for?” he huffs, snatching at them. “The paternity DNA profile.” I keep quiet whilst he compares the data. Eventually he looks up. “Well?” He takes a swill of beer before delivering his verdict. “It’s not biologically possible for you to have fathered both of these babies, Chakotay.” Hearing him confirming my suspicion is devastating and I lean forward, head in my hands. “Can you tell which one is – if any,” I add bitterly. “Not without access to Starfleet Medical’s database.” “I have to know.” Tom sighs and stands up. “Give me a day or so, okay? I’ll see what I can do. I’ll need a copy of these though.” “I’ll get them to you tomorrow,” I tell him. He passes me and I grab for his wrist. “Tom, you can’t tell anyone and that includes B’Elanna.” “I’m not stupid. I’ll speak with you tomorrow.” He leaves and I’m left alone with my thoughts. To be continued … Did you like this? Let me know! Return to index |
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