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                                                                                                         copyright 2006 Andrew Almonte

Pollack

There was a painter named Pollack

Whose work was really a frolic.

The artsies all flipped

For some mindless drip

And spent years feasting on pot-luck.

Rothko

There was a painter named Rothko

Whose visions clearly did not go

Beyond the planes

That consumed his brains

In a meal that was square but just so-so.

Doctor

To the doctor who just felt her glands,

The patient cleared up her commands:

"I'd like you to check

The ones on my neck

And this time please use your hands."

Wilhelm Reich

Wilhelm Reich a fine theory employed

Saying by sex we can neurosis avoid

But his missus grew livid

When told she was frigid:

"I most certainly am not sang Froid!"

Virtues

Of virtues we should declare the best,

I offered a girl with magnificent breasts.

But lest you disparage,

'Twas six years of marriage

Before questions arose regarding the rest.

Huygens

"Let's gaze on the heavens" said Huygens

To a lady most keen with defiance,

'Til at last she said

From atop the bed,

"Well, if it's in the interest of science."

Seafood

A young maid who left the cloister

Gorged on seafood that was foist ‘er,

Now must she clam up

Or bring the scallop

So high that no man wants oyster.

Student

Though the student wasn't sagacious,

Regarding spelling teacher was gracious

Since all of her pleas

Were on bended knees

And supported by reasons fallacious.

Melville

A curious Melville sailed the sea

To dally among the Polynee

By natives captured

He hints at rapture

Assuming we all know the Typee.

A curious Melville sailed the blue

To find a brown-skinned Eve or two.

But the girls don't cook

So much in this book

Leaving readers to mewl Omoo.

Revenge

The fin at the end of a whale

Is more a sledgehammer than tail.

So if Ahab's your name

And revenge is your game

Harpoon 'im and hope you don't fail.

Hemingway

Ernest he wrote, and not with malice

Of art, of life (okay, his phallus)

Of how jealousy stings

And what sour old things

Got put in the mouth of poor Alice.

Fitzgerald

When life was so cool it was hot

At least for the decadent lot

The bourbon and gin

Could wash away sin

And explain any urge to F Scott.

Faulkner

Benjy’s balls were cut off, Bill Faulkner,

Caddy went and did things she oughn’ta

Jason turned surly

And Quentin right squirrelly

Having to say Yoknah…Yokapt…Yokna...Mississippi.

Therapist

After showing some moves of the tongue

The therapist's ideas grew rather strong:

"But sir, I must insiph

You work on my liph."

"Okay, but first let's work on diph thong."

Freedom

Now, freedom is a curious word

From both rebel and statesman it’s heard.

But fie on such chatter

The world’s made of matter,

So the whole notion is plainly absurd!

Mistress

To keep his young mistress from leaving

A tale of fright the man began weaving

Of all sorts of ghouls

With the tiniest tools

And by morning was she ever believing.

Eager Eddie

As eager Eddie saw his wife in bed

Sport a new brassiere of flaming red:

"Why, it squeezes your tits

As tight as my mitts!"

"Gee, hun, that's just what the salesman said."

Daddy’s Dismay

It was the novel use of a poison

On wigglers deemed to be noisome

That gave Daddy dismay

As his girls would all say:

Okay, now let's bring the boys on!

Eyeful Tower?

On the streets and hardly embarrassed

The trysting lovers no detail did spare us.

On seeing what I'd call

A towering eyeful:

“Oh, so you think this Paris?"

Studmarket

On why bulls were hard to be found

The broker pined textiles slung down.

An old man who heard

Got in the last word:

“Be glad yours ain't draggin' the ground!”

Handy-man

Confronted with an irregular screw

The handy-man's wife knew just what to do.

To resolve the matter

She served on a platter

Her Phillip's Head...and wouldn't that fix you?

Misplaced

The day daughter came home red-faced

With her arms wrapped tight to her waist,

Pop got the suggestion

But went with a question;

"Hun, are you sure it just isn't misplaced?

Blizzard

By a blizzard was Harold accosted

And left lucky to just be exhausted.

Though he survived the cold

With his life to behold

He’s still bitter over just what the frost bit.

Academics

The flocks of pale-faced Ph.ds.

Tabesced, as it were, by degrees,

Got starch in their veins

And rot in their brains

Thinking a forest’s worth more than its trees.