Chapter 1
1.
March 16th, 1966Dear Sir, Previous records indicate that you hold shares in the following companies: American Can Company Insterstate Gas Company Western Water Company Northern Tissue Company Because of the unsettled market conditions at this time, it is our recommendation that you sit tight on the American Can, hold your water, and let your gas go. You will be interested to know that today, Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands were wiped clean. Yours very truly, SQUAT AND LEAVIT I.P. Standing, President2. Did His Best "Tommy," said his mother, "Grandmother is very sick. Can't you go in and cheer her up?" "Yes'um," said Tommy, as he went into the sick-room. But in a few moments, he came out disconsolate. "Couldn't, mother," he said; "she seemed to get worse." "What did you say to her, dear?" asked Mother. "Why, I asked her if she would like soldiers at her funeral." 3. Our Way Brown - I wish I belonged to a golf club Jones - You don't need to Brown - How so? Jones - Just walk five miles or so, and every 20 or 30 yards hit the pavement a hard wack with your stick and swear.
4.
Think carefully before you answer this question!! I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below: Which lens and shutter speed would you use?
5.
DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN > > A little girl was talking to her teacher about > whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even > though it was a very large mammal its throat was > very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. > > Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could > not swallow a human;it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask > Jonah". > > The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" > The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 6. Sean Maire came into the garage, walked up to the parking space and, squatting down, went through the motions of driving a car. "Horan," said a shocked customer, "why don't you tell the man he hasn't a car." "Is it mad you take me for? sure he pays me a pound to wash it every time he comes in.? ********************** It was Padraig's first day in the Waterford glass factory. "Padraig," asked the formeman, "did you mark the top of all those crates with the notice"This side up with care?'" "Deed I did, Mr O'Sullivan, and I put it on the bottom as well to make sure." ***** 7. Then there was the Kildare woman who wrote home from Paris saying it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise ***** 8. A Colleen of fair Ballycrotty, Loved men of all colours --'twas dotty, But her children's a sight, Every heart to delight, For they're black, brown, green-striped and half spotty. ********** 9. Two little girls were talking about rligious knowledge. - "I'm past Original Sin," boasted the first one. "That's nothing," answered the second one. "I'm beyond Redemption." **** 10." We are now passing the premises of Arthur Guiness, the largest brewery in the world," said the guide to his busload of tourists. - "I'm damned if we are, " cried Smith as he hopped off. 11. A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: "The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea." > >
6.
Sean Maire came into the garage, walked up to the parking space and, squatting down, went through the motions of driving a car.
"Horan," said a shocked customer, "why don't you tell the man he hasn't a car."
"Is it mad you take me for? sure he pays me a pound to wash it every time he comes in.?
**********************
It was Padraig's first day in the Waterford glass factory. "Padraig," asked the formeman, "did you mark the top of all those crates with the notice"This side up with care?'"
"Deed I did, Mr O'Sullivan, and I put it on the bottom as well to make sure."
*****
7.
Then there was the Kildare woman who wrote home from Paris saying it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise
8.
A Colleen of fair Ballycrotty,
Loved men of all colours --'twas dotty,
But her children's a sight,
Every heart to delight,
For they're black, brown, green-striped and half spotty.
**********
9. Two little girls were talking about rligious knowledge. - "I'm past Original Sin," boasted the first one. "That's nothing," answered the second one. "I'm beyond Redemption."
****
10." We are now passing the premises of Arthur Guiness, the largest brewery in the world," said the guide to his busload of tourists. - "I'm damned if we are, " cried Smith as he hopped off.
11. A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: "The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea."
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