by maven
(or a pod person disguised as maven)

Standard Disclaimer: We all know this one so sing along.  Hum if you don't know the words.  Anyone you recognise from that hour or so you spend glued to the tube (like the warrior, the bard, Argo, Cyrene, Toris) and the world were the action takes place is copyright Renaissance/MCA/Universal.  Chorus!

Subtext and Violence Disclaimer: Well, duh, look at the title.  It's on maven's page.  Buy a clue.

Mad Muse Alert: I'd just seen the teaser for King Con during Forgiven.  And I just written this mavenTV thing for Forgiven.  So I casually mentioned that perhaps I'd do one for King Con; either a Desert Hearts kinda thing or something else.  Forget what.  Doesn't matter.  So Polar is responsible but not to blame.

FEEDBACK, COMMENT AND FLAMES: Email at maven369@sympatico.ca
 
 

"Spare a dinar," whined a voice. Looking down the traveller saw a dirty hand.  Glancing into the young face she pulled a coin from her belt pouch.

"Can you show me where there's a good inn," she asked, holding the coin out.

"Jeeze lady, don't you know?  This is Lasvegasopolis: there are only inns.  No stores, no smiths, no nothing.  Just inns."  The youth plucked the coin from the traveller's fingers.

"Well," they added, "that and the temple of Artemis; goddess of the hunt, women and quickie divorces."

"This is the place, then," said the traveller.

Much later the traveller clasped arms with Sunlyta, the head priestess of Artemis.

"Thank you for meeting with me at such short notice, your exaltedness," the traveller said.

"No bother.  What's the problem?  And please, call me Sunny."

"Well, I was married and need to get divorced," the traveller explained.

"And by what grounds do you wish to end this marriage?"

"Well, you see, Perdicus, that's his name, he's kinda, well, actually, he's very dead."

"Dead."

"As a doornail."

"I see, you must be from Pot-a-tiddly.  Sounds like their conservative, redneck, bigoted totally 50's attitude.  Well, its really simple.  Just stay in Lasvegasopolis for three months, swear your undying devotion to Artemis, undertake the Amazon rite of empowerment and forswear men for another 4 years (or until the show is cancelled).  At the end of that time bring the cutest bunny you  can to the temple, sacrifice it and it's a done deal."  Sunny fished into her gown for a square piece of rigid parchment.

"Here's the name of a inn.  They're use to these things and have cheap rates.  Tell them I sent you!"

The traveller turned to leave when she heard Sunny call after her.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"Gabrielle."

Much later Gabrielle stood in her small room in the Inn.  Below she could hear the sounds of loud voices raised in celebration or in dejection.  Mostly dejection.  The entire ground floor of the Inn was dedicated to games of chance; spinning wheels of luck, tables for knucklebones and confusing games using more of the stiff parchment squares.  The innkeep, Cyrene, had greeted Gabrielle and directed her son, Toris, to show the traveller to her room.  Gabrielle unpacked her tesseret bag, taking out a sleeping roll, cooking set, four changes of clothes, two dozen scrolls, a fighting staff, a wooden lamb toy, her Strangers in Paradise comic collection, the collected works of Homer and of Sappho (which she had purely for research purposes as she was not [at this time] one of *those* women), a winter parka, toothbrush, towel, a Babel Fish, her Websterius Dictionary and Thesaurus and, finally, a pan flute.  Sighing Gabrielle headed back down stairs in search of food.

Standing at the foot of the stairs Gabrielle looked around.  Suddenly her attention was captured by a disturbance at one of the tables.  A fist fight broke out and a brawl looked imminent.  Suddenly there was a errie cry and a whooshing noise.  In amazement Gabrielle saw a shiny silver discus hurl through the room striking the fireplace mantle, a lantern, a stone door jam, the formal collar chain of the Lasvegasopolis mayor, three mugs, the two brawlers foreheads and a TV remote control before coming to a lazy stop in the hand of a six foot tall, armour clad (well, were she was clad, it was armour) woman.

"Who's that?" asked Gabrielle to herself.

"That's Xena, pronounced Zena," answered Toris.  "She's my sister and the bouncer here."

"Bouncer?" asked Gabrielle, sounding out the unfamiliar term.

"Yeah, if you cause trouble she bounces her round killing thing (RKT) off your head a few times until you stop.  Ummm, you hungry?" he asked as the traveller's stomach let lose a growl somewhere between a starving lion and an angry T-Rex.

Several plates of food later Gabrielle was licking the last of the baklava off her fingers when she became aware of a presence beside her.  Looking up, way up, she saw that Xena now stood at her side left and that absolutely no one was within ten feet of them.

"Hi," said Gabrielle.  "I'm Gabrielle, the bard."

"I'm Xena, the Warrior Princess, Destroyer of Nations, the Aegean Corsair, Scourge of the People of Chin, Enemy of the Centaurs, Nemesis of Ceasar-Julius-Ceasar, Betrayer of Friends, Maker of Psychopathic Monsters, Seducer of Brainless Men, Slayer of Giants," she stopped suddenly, counted off on her fingers with a look of concentration - as if going over a shopping list from memory, "oh yeah, the Chosen and Maybe Daughter of Ares But Only If There's No Incest Subtext."

"Never heard of you," Gabrielle admitted.  "But then, I don't get out much."

"Then how do you expect to be a bard?"

"Well, I thought I'd hook up with some guy and travel around with him and he could protect me and stuff and then I'd like tell stories about it."

"And?  Why aren't you doing that?"

"Well, I did.  And he got killed.  Actually they all got killed.  About seven of them," she stopped suddenly, counted off on her fingers with a look of concentration - as if going over a shopping list from memory, "nine counting Perdicus but I married him first.  That's why I'm here; to divorce Perdicus, find a new guy and see the world.  I hear Hercules is available."

A strange look crossed Xena's face.  "Ah, I don't think Herc's your type.  I know you're not his.  Listen," Xena said, another strange look crossing her face, "how about you hang around here for the waiting period.  I'll think of something."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah.  I have many skills."

The weeks passed quickly; Gabrielle dividing her time between writing in her room and talking to Xena about the Warrior Princess, Destroyer of Nations, (insert the rest of the string of titles here; I'm too lazy to even cut and paste) adventures.  Which had a certain repetitiousness about them.

"So, then I rode in, said...."

"Kill them all, put everyone to the sword, burned the town and rode off.  Yada yada yada."

"Um, I told you that one?"

Gabrielle sighed.  "No, not that exact one.  But that's how they all end."  She blew out a stream of air in annoyance, causing her bangs to lift.  "Why don't you try something different?"

"Why don't you?" and with that Xena kissed Gabrielle.  And wasn't too surprised when the kiss was returned because she did, after all, have many skills.

Suddenly Gabrielle pulled back looking like a deer caught in the lanterns of a speeding chariot.  Turning she ran like startled doe up the stairs and into her room.  (We'll stop using the deer metaphor now and switch to another animal.)

After several hours Gabrielle returned, forced from the sanctuary of her room like a hungry groundhog after a long winter.  (OK! no more animal metaphors at all!)

"Look," Gabrielle said, "I don't know exactly what happened.  Well, I do but I don't know where it came from but it's right back where it belongs.  That was just a simple, sisterly, innocent..."

"Let's not forget friendly!"

"...friendly kiss that ultimately means nothing.  Every relationship has its erotic nature, but that doesn't mean we have to act on it."

Xena stared at her for ten seconds.  Gabrielle gulped like a snake swallowing a bullfrog about four ounces to big.  (Gross!  Sorry, that one slipped out!) After a slight pause Xena raised an eyebrow.

Gabrielle sighed.  "But it is more fun that way," she finally admitted.

Xena slowly nodded.  "Wanna come up to my room and look at some etchings?"

"You're an artist?"

"I have many..."

"etc, etc."

Several weeks later Gabrielle descended the stairs of the Temple of Artemis, decree nisi clutched in one hand and her new copies of "How to Be an Amazon" and "Men are from Ares, Women are from Aphrodite" in the other.  At the top of the stairs Sunny waved farewell.  At the bottom awaited Xena.

Desert Hearts movie ending:
well, Xena would go with Gabrielle to Pot-a-tiddly.  Don't like that one.

Desert Hearts book ending:
Gabrielle would remain with Xena in Lasvegasopolis. Doesn't work for me either.

maven's patented Bound rip-off ending:
Xena mounts a large palomino, smirking down at the bard.  Who smirks right back up at her.  Gabrielle hands Xena a pair of smoked glass spectacles.

"Know the difference between you and me?" Gabrielle asks as Xena puts on the glasses and offers her arm for a boost up.

"No, what?" asked Xena as the bard settled behind her and put on her own, matching smoked glass spectacles.

"Nothin' much," the bard grinned as her hands found a very interesting place to hold on to.

And off they rode into the sunset.  Towards Rome if the teaser is to be believed.  And now I gotta go get my muse's stomach pump.  She's not happy with me right now.

THE END

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