Round Ligament Pain (June 29, 1996)

Why does Maxwell
Make Lindsay's sacroiliac swell?
I think he could tutor us
On how to stretch a uterus.
Max has done so well he
Has practically eliminated Lindsay's button from her belly!
And poor Lindsay despairs
Of ever making it up the stairs.
Oh, why did she marry
That impregnating fool, Barry?
Now she must bring to term
The results of his insinuating sperm.
If only she could relax!
She sure gets a kick out of Max!

Gestational Diabetes (August 10, 1996)

While Max is in his Mom
He attacks her with aplomb.
She does not seem to mind
Or retaliate in kind.
In fact, to protect the fetus
And avoid gestational diabetes,
The sweet snacks are at a min:
She's got Max under her skin!

Inducing Labor (November 4, 1996)

Nine months we've been waiting;
Max scoffs at due dating.
The calendar's advancing,
He's still bellydancing.
Let's rock and roll with him
To that funky biorhythm
As he kicks and he swerves
And he gets on Mom's nerves.
False labor, contractions,
Countless distractions.
This straining is draining!
This stretching and kvetching!
Stop making her frown!
Max, please, come on down!
Wait! Stop the laughter.
Nine days after,
Low amniotic juice:
Time to induce.
It's suddenly apparent,
Very soon she'll be a parent.
This time it is real ---
Off to Beth Israel,
Where, with help from coaches,
Real labor approaches,
But each time it's peaking,
Poor Maxwell is freaking.
So they stop and they start
And monitor his heart.
Again and again
'Til the hours are ten!
As Lindsay's dilating,
The doctor's debating:
Vaginal or c-section?
Tomorrow's election
'Twixt Clinton and Dole
At least gets a poll.
Shall we toss a dime?
Says doc, "One Mo' Time!"
Does Daddy agree?
"It's All Right With Me."
This time, Max is strong,
The contractions are long.
She'll push and she'll push
Max right out of her tush!
At the end of this drama,
Max shows no sign of trauma!
At ten o'nine pm
We're happy to see him.
Max opens his eyes;
He cries and he cries.
If you pinch him he flinches ---
All twenty and a half inches.
Ten fingers, ten toes,
Two eyes, centered nose.
The nurse later announces:
Seven pounds and twelve ounces!
He's healthy and hearty
And ready to party.
Mom thanks G-d above;
He's so easy to love,
And, like virtual cardiacs,
Daddy's heart belongs to Max.

With thanks to Ogden Nash and Cole Porter

Copyright ©1996 by Not Nice Music. All rights reserved.

Last updated: March 7, 1999