*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
THE INTERVIEW
There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing
for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a
Buddhist and the fourth was Jewish.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final
interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told
them all were very worthy applicants, and he wished he could hire them
all, but they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He
told them he would call each of them in one at a time for a final
interview the next day, and he would ask each one of them the same
question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one
hired. All applicants agreed this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The
president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the
world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a
thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an
instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the
fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You
do it in an instant."
The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and
after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say
electricity."
"Why?" asked the president.
Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a
light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the Jewish man was called in.
He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps.....and before I could think, blink, or turn on
the lights....." (He got the job....)
~~~~~~~~ If Men Really Ruled The World~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~ key word is If ~~~~~~~~
-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward
your call to her real number.
-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you."
-- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
-- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Bozo."
-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL
team of your choice.
-- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
-- "Sorry I'm late, but I stayed up late last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
-- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into
your car like Fred Flintstone.
-- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
-- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.
-- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
-- Garbage would take itself out.
-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
-- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go fishing. Mother's Day, too.
-- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
-- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
-- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine.
-- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
-- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
-- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
-- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
conversation.
***************** UGLY *****************
A Woman walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks
at her and says "Single, aren't you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "Ooh.. you're the genius,
dare I ask how you guessed?"
He replies, "Because you're butt ugly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BARBY...BARBY....BARBY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's
his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives
to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant,
"How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$265.00.
Fred asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are
$19.95?"
"That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie come with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...etc.."
-=+=-
PC MESSAGE GLOSSARY
Look I dont know about you but sometimes you just gotta have a conversation with
your computer and man .. it doesnt really talk back just sorta gives you a hard time like...
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"(This one's a programmers joke.)
Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes,
only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into
c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find
them."
It says: "Please insert disk 7"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 6 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM,
I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "...indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: "....any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
your work back."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting
more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near
tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was
doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"
Ho Ho Ho Merry CHRISTmas
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, "For Santa." :o(
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a
policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say,
"This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey's Thot for the Day:
I AM in shape. Round is a shape. Right !!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikes Thot for the Day:
Wife to husband: "This Christmas
* let's give each other sensible gifts
.like ties and fur coats."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What to say if you don't like the gift
* Thats nice "thank you" ...... now you have a gift for someone else....
* Got a receipt ... "tax purposes ya know" ....of course you can return it now
* I always save the bad gifts til next year .....
then give it back to the person that gave it to Me!
* whats in a gift !!!!!
* man if the dog burys this I'll be ticked my favorite !!
* hope this doesnt catch fire .. it happens ya know
THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikes Thot for the Day:
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
giving credit where it is due ........ God Bless you Mike~ To subscribe,
send e-mailto:Mikeys funnies
put the word Subscribe in the message body
giving credit where it is due ........ Randy Walker The Good Humor man
stop by anytime: http://www.gcfl.net
Bevlee in Hawaii .... thanks for alot of laughs ..
http://funny-bone.spunge.org --- visit funny-bone anytime guys
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