*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management
course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter -- not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the Liquid Paper."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
"I'm in the management training program."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our bigges
problem!"
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
**************
WHY WE'RE SO TIRED
I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins,
dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I know the real
reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million,
And 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are
85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the
federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million
to do the work.
Take out the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
governments, and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to
do the work.
With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just
two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there messing around with Email
********************
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.*************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.*************
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.*************
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.*************
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.*************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.*************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.*************
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.*************
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.*************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.*************
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?*************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?*
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?*
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?*
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?*
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?*************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?*************
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?*************
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?*************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?*************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?*************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.*************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***************************************HMMMMMM
LIAR
A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church
lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing
who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."
"Boys! Boys! Boys!" intoned the minister, "I'm shocked. When I was
your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in
unison, "You win, Pastor!"
---
TO PEE, OR NOT TO PEE
I had taken my twins (a boy and a girl--age 3) to the pool. I was
waiting at the bottom of a water slide to catch my girl twin when her
twin brother said he needed to go potty. I looked around and realized
that I couldn't leave his sister alone on the water slide so I just
whispered, "Just pee in the pool."
A few seconds later after catching his sister, I turned around and,
to my horror, saw him standing out of the water by the edge of the
pool, swim suit pulled down around his ankles, holding his weeney and
aiming straight for the water in the pool as if it were a giant
toilet. It seems like for one instant, hundreds of people stopped what
they were doing to watch and gasp.
---
ONE MAN'S TRASH...
Sometimes kids will repeat the things we say, but under other
circumstances, and they take on new and different meanings.
A few years back a friend of a friend was having a bridge party.
Shortly before the party was to begin, the family cat was run over and
killed. Their 5 or 6 year old son hadn't seen it, and they didn't
want to deal with an upset child just before the party, so they
quietly put the body in the trash can and started the bridge party.
About half way though the party, their son walked in, holding the
dead cat by his hind legs, and announced for all to hear, "Who threw
away this perfectly good cat?"
SURVEY SAYS...
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest:
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To
Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
---
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS
These cute statements were written by actual students and are genuine,
authentic and not retouched or corrected:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
********** She was soooooooooooooblonde: *******************
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M"s in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for a cat.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
She tried to drown a fish.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spend 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can becuase it said
concentrate.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK and DON'T WALK."
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here, " she put
Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted, "she went home and got 16
friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport snd saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
she turned aournd and went home.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
********************************************************************
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
.,,,,.,,,.,,,..,,,,..,,,...,,,,.,...,,....,.
*Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
*Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
*Never ask a man the size of his spread.
*After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
*If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
*It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
*Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
*Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
*Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
*If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.
*When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
suprised if they learn their lesson.
*The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in
the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill
it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it
bake, but otherwise ignore it.
*When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
*Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
*The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back
in your pocket.
*A smart a$$ just don't fit in a saddle.
*Never miss a good chance to shut up.
***************************
WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
=-----
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a
road map at the same time.
=-----
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
=-----
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking
fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a)
having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
=-----
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and
hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
=-----
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up
display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are
not connected.
=-----
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
=-----
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking,
"Do you work here?"
=-----
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on
the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
=-----
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the
rearview mirror. ---read again if you didnt get it ......
=-----
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the
movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
=-----
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.
=-----
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you
press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
=-----
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides
to give up and sweep it under the rug.
=-----
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here"
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
=-----
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to
life.
=-----
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
=-----
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.
=-----
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
=-----
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.
=-----
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six
inches away.
------------------------------------
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.
--------
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife."
---------
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
...this just in ...
********************************
Jessy Rubles in TECH support is able to actually
release these all day long and still not completely
deflate ... while being interviewd he seemed to
be getting smaller and well smaller .. I could
tell there was a chemical going on .. my crew
responded .. they felt it .....
---------------------------
Di's hairdresser friend caught her husband fooling around with
a customer and promptly kicked him out. A few days later,
she received a call from the woman whom her husband had
been fooling around with. The woman said, "I know this is a
difficult situation, but does this mean you won't still cut my
hair?"
********
Dear Mom
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.
We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us
got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh
yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got
to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster
Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell
him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas
on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did.
Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about
the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that
old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance
on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he
lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb
is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But
he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up
there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink
because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still
see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like
some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of
time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and
cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster
Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick
that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have
to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
------------------------------------------------------------
RULES THAT MEN WISHED WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect
an answer you don’t want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = Football. It’s like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.
7. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel fluff, Christmas Tree formation and carburetors.
8. Shopping is not a sport.
9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. You have enough clothes.
11. You have too many shoes.
12. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
13. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
14. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than
peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometime.
15. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes, - what
makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which
pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
16. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
17. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem.
See a doctor.
18. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
19. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
20. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can
we know how pretty you are?
23. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done, not both.
25. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
26. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, neither do we.
*************************************
Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact
on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it,
looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Blonde said, "Let me look!"
The first Blonde handed her the compact. The second Blonde
looked in the mirror and said, "You silly, it's me!"
**************************************************
*SEE IT AGAIN*
cards similar to this one & a lot more A Free Cards listing
If your browser did not send the card the other way or you just want
an easy way to send this card just hilite & copy from line to line
then paste into an email to your friend ......
here
\/
______________________________________
You have been sent a very special online page!
To Pick up your online page just visit the Online station at:
http://members.dencity.com/maxdcards/joke11.html
===
oh and tell a friend
and sign in please
Thanks, JohnS...........[MAX] Postmaster
:o)
All online pages left unclaimed after a few will be eaten
......... mmmmmmmmmm thanks
______________________________________
/\
to here
PTL
Raen *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*