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Computer Jokes
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
======
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded
ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
======
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don’t have a P."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "P on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: .. long pause ... "I’m not going to do that!"
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Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I’d like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
======
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the
sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The
Internet."
======
Customer: "So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uh...uh...uh...yeah."
======
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer:
"That’s why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I’m a Protestant, and I
don’t believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant
to..."
Customer: "I don’t care about any industry terms. I don’t believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don’t you click on the little picture of a file cabinet... is
little picture ok?"
Customer: [click]
======
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won’t let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn’t crash. It crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on File, then New Game."
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?"
***********************
A Gorilla in My Tree
A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looksin
thephone and finds a gorilla removal service. When she asks if they canremovethe gorilla, the
service guy asks, "is it a male or female?" "Male," she replies."Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be
right there," he states.An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua,
ashotgun,and a pair of handcuffs.He then gives the woman some instructions. "I'm going to
climb thistree andpoke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. Whenhe does,the
trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off. Thegorilla will then cross his hands
to protect himself, allowing you toput thehandcuffs on him."The woman asks, "What do I do
with the shotgun?"The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilladoes,shoot
the Chihuahua."
***
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
--------------------------------------------------------
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to
pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. 2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year
old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off
each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film
aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery
News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five
workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others
fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500
fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived
on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish
economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced
to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his
girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see
him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he
returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his
head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to
an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber
called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led
police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
------------------------------------ Submitted by R.F. Arbolay
********-----********
*There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be
taken care of.
1. The telephone is ringing.
2. The baby is crying.
3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.
4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to
rain.
5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.
*In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down your
order, and scroll down after you've made your decision. Each
represents
*something in your life. Don't cheat.
PLACE YOUR ANSWERS HERE AND THEN LOOK ..COOL!
1. The phone represents your job or career.
2. The baby, your family.
3. The visitor, your friends.
4. The laundry, your sex life.
5. The running water, money or wealth.
Makes you think, eh??? Hmmmmmmm
How close did this test match your priorities in Life?
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
This is a cute story....
We have all heard that when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, he said: One small
step for man, one giant leap for mankind. What is less known is that in a lower tone of
voice, he said: and good luck Mr. Gorsky. Of course reporters wanted to know who Mr.
Gorsky was and what he meant by that, but he refused to say. For years reporters
researched and dug, looking for distant relatives or old friends of Neil's by that name, to
no avail. Years went by, and finally a reporter revisited that question with Neil Armstrong.
He said he could now tell the story, because the Gorskys had passed away. The
Gorskys had been neighbors of the Armstrong family when Neil was a boy. One day he
was playing ball in his yard with friends, when the ball was knocked into the Gorsky yard
very close to the Gorsky house. Neil went into their yard to fetch his ball and as he
neared the house, he saw Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky near an open window arguing. The
Gorskys noticed him, too, but Mrs. Gorsky just kept yelling at her husband, saying:
ORAL SEX??!!!! You'll get oral sex when that kid out there walks on the moon.
****************************
Bungee Jumping in Mexico Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second."Youknow, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumpingservice
inMexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their moneyandbuy
everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.Theytravel to Mexico and
begin to set up on the square. As they areconstructingthe tower, a crowd begins to
assemble. Slowly, more and more peoplegather towatch them at work. The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, thesecond guynotices that
he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the secondguyisn't able catch him, he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the
second guy misseshim. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes
backprettymessed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almostunconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "Whathappened? Was the
cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a"pinata"?
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town ...
stop by the local bar for a quick drink.. the Lone Ranger's
horse seems flushed .. so .. pooring water over the horse and givng
em a drink the horse looks alot better .. wet too .. so he asks
Tonto to run around the horse to dry em off ... the Lone Ranger
goes inside and orders them two drinks ... and sits to wait on
Tonto .. after awhile someone walks up to The Lone Ranger and
asks if he has a white horse .. yes .. well the old man replies
you left your enjun running..
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
SURE FIRE WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE A WOMAN
1. You're a bitch.
2. When asked, "Is something bothering you?" you reply NO and then getpissed off when you are
believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and lovesparties, start dating him and
immediately expect him to stop thisbehavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from youralmost super-human level of daily
achievement; if he is trying tosleep, it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when payingfor meals, plane tickets, concerts,
beers, etc. These are requiredgifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about yourcycle, tell him you're irregular from all
of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend mustbe labeled a whore and
your network of friends must be informedimmediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doinganything other than catering to your
needs.
~*~*~*~*~*~*NINE TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, youshouldn't have." A.K.A. - What a Girl,
Precious, One of theBoys, Doormat.Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly.Disadvantages: May wise
up someday.
2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can'tyou see you're making me
miserable?" A.K.A. - She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady. Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans.
3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." A.K.A. - Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy.Advantages:
Predictable.Disadvantages: Contagious.
4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get ahaircut. Change your job. Make some money.
Don't give me that look."A.K.A. - Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain.Advantages:
Often right.Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch mycareer, goals, home, or hair color?"
A.K.A. - The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey.Advantages: Easily soothed. Disadvantages:
Even more easily perturbed.
6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on thefront lawn. I done it before. It's
fun!" A.K.A. - Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious.Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keepsnickering at!" A.K.A. - No Fun,
Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly.Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages:
You will have no friends.
8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explainhow I feel about our relationship."
A.K.A. - The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.Advantages: Entertaining,
Unfathomable.Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,my handsome genius of a boyfriend.
I want to make love to you like acrazed weasel." A.K.A. - Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The
One. Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited. Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
Subject: FW: work in the 90's
1. You sat at the same desk for 3 years and worked for three different companies.
2. Your company "welcome" sign is attached with Velcro.
3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
4. Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
5. You have to call home to check the weather.
6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
7. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
8. You learn about your layoff on CNN.
9. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
10. Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
11. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
12. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries'
annual budgets.
13. Your 2 yr old kid knows how to get to your company and to your cube, and it is referred to as
"daddy's/mommy's" room.
14. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
15. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
16. "Fun" is when issues are assigned to someone else.
17. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
18. A tie is hanging in your cube.
19. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
20. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
21. Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "you're in the hospital".
22. Art involves a white board.
23. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
24. When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
25. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
26. All "real" work gets started after 5 pm or on weekends.
27. Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
28. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
29. Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
30. Your boss's favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when
you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
31. Ten per cent of the people you work with - no one (boss included) knows what they do.
32. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
33. Change is the norm.
34. Nepotism is encouraged.
35. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
36. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
37. Moving targets are employees, goals, and budgets.
38. You read this entire list and understood it well.
***********************
I Didn't Know This!! (factoids)
================================
* A full grown bear can run as fast as a horse.
* 90% of household dust is composed of human skin.
* Mickey Mouse's ears are always turned to the front,
no matter which direction his head is pointing.
* Former Presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died
within hours of each other on July 4, 1826.
(Adams' last words were "Thomas Jefferson still surv...")
* The phrase, "convicted felon" is redundant.
No one is a felon until he's been convicted.
* Cucumbers are the only food that cockroaches won't eat.
* Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years old or older.
* The most stolen books from public libraries, in order:
1. The Bible
2. The Koran
3. The Police Entrance Examination Guide
* England is smaller geographically than New England.
* In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts is the only King without a mustache
* Giraffes are unable to cough or swim.
From RevTonyAG@aol.com
***********************
You might be in a country church if . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering" - and five guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of
"two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to
buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every
worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every
Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during
the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them
a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding.''
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that
afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about
your health.
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish
were bass or catfish.
24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now,
ya hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey's Thot for the Day:
If you think nobody cares about you,
try missing a couple of payments.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**************************************************
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