*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
Y2K MEMO
Corporate Memo
Re: Y2K
The Corporate Office has determined there is no longer a need for
network or software applications support (see below.) A solution
has been created which will result in:
1. No Y2K problems. (i.e., 1/1/00)
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
Effective January 1, 1999, each workspace will be equipped with an
Etch-A-Sketch. Thank you.
********************
Frequently asked questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
the Screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcup for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document.
A: Don't shake it.
Thanks to Mike Avery's Humor from OtherWhen list
********************
Answer;
There are two ways you can have fifty coins totaling $1.00:[a] two dimes,
forty pennies, and eight nickels; or [b] two dimes, forty five pennies, two
nickels, and one quarter. These arrangements are equally probable, so
the is a one-half chance you had a quarter to begin with. The
probability that you then dropped that quarter from all the coins in your
hand is one fiftieth. Therefore, the total probability that you lost a
quarter is one half times one fiftieth, or one one-hundredth.
********************
WHO'S WHO????
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you did'nt know you had in a
way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the
wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and
wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday did not happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that
is not there.
A topologist is a man who does not know the difference between a coffee cup
and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you
the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
[forwarded by RAM]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey's Thot for the Day:
When you go in for a job interview,
I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Criminal Sign
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: gender
A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very
aware that ships are addressed as “she” an
“her”. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The
first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was
asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the
feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4
reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
1.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2.They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem.
4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little
longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to
in the feminine gender because:
1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone.
3.Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
********************
Quotes of the idle.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people
have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the
wrong lane, going the wrong way.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you
need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required on it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
(OR GOLF!)
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to
catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you’ve never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my
hands...
Everybody repeat after me... “We are all individuals.”
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good.
Plan for the future, but live in the present moment. It’s
the only life you have.
Success is a journey, not a destination, enjoy the trip!
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300
games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning
shot...and missed. And I have failed over and over and over again in my
life. And, that is why...I succeed.
Signed, Michael Jordan
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE 2nd TEN COMANDMENTS
Thou shall not worry,
for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful,
for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them,
for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou shall face each problem as it comes.
You can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you,
for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems.
They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone.
Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
Thou shall be a good listener,
for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own.
It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do
know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration,
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere
with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings,
never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small
blessings add up to a big one.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) ANNOUNCED TODAY
that the official release date for the new operating
system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second
quarter of 1901.
********************
Technology for Country Folk...
1.LOG ON::Makin a wood stove hotter.
2.LOG OFF::Don’t add no more wood.
3.MONITOR::Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4.DOWNLOAD::Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5.MEGA HERTZ::When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6.FLOPPY DISC::Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7.RAM::That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8.HARD DRIVE::Gettin home in the winter time.
9.PROMPT::Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10.WINDOWS::Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
11.SCREEN::Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
12.BYTE::Whut them dang flys do.
13.CHIP::Munchies fer the TV.
14.MICRO CHIP::Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15.MODEM::Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16.DOT MATRIX::Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
17.LAP TOP::Whar the kitty sleeps.
18.KEYBOARD::Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19.SOFTWARE::Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20.MOUSE::Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21.MAINFRAME::Holds up the barn roof.
22.PORT::Fancy Flatlander wine
23.ENTER::Northerner talk fer C’mon in y’all”
24.RANDOM::Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid
ACCESS MEMORY::fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25.MOUSE PAD::Thats hippie talk fer the rat hole.
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
three men walking down the street ..
the first two walk into a bar ...
the third man ducked .....
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
BUNGEE JUMPING IN MEXICO
Eke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to
make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed the crowds gather,
but nobody bought tickets....
Zeke told Zeb, “Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they’ll get the idea.” After
Zeb was strapped in he jumped, falling almost all they way to the ground
before springing back. As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes
were all torn and wondered what this is was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that
Zeb was bleeding. Zeke thought, “Wow...what’s going on here? Is the cord
too long? Is he hitting ground?”
Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he sprung back up,
Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke
pulled Zeb in and asked, “Zeb, what happened?”
Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, “I don’t know... but what’s a pinata?
Thanks RTamkin
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
--A MATTER OF GRAVITY
I remember my first skydiving instructor. During class he would
take time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked:
“If our chute doesn’t open... and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we
have ‘til we hit the ground?”
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered:
“The rest of your life.”
Thanks Chuck E.
-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/-*/
Why do fugitives leaving the country always go to Canada?
Because it is the only place they have Toronto. (To run to)
=======
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
=======
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
=======
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
=======
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try
to understand her at all.
=======
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
=======
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use
in two people remembering the same thing.
=======
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.
=======
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
=======
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
**************************************
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....'"
*********************************
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
I STARTED out with nothing .... I still have most of it.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few!
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
When you're finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess?
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
IT'S A JOB ----
I thought I wanted a career, but
turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
------look before you leap-----------
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and
the bees.
He tells her about men and women and love......
He thinks what the heck, and tells her the works, thinking that to
tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know
about sex?"
"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
*******SUPER BOWL*************
"At The Superbowl..."
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from
his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at
the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row
in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed
an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50
yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes
his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next
to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said, "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible!
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at
the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to
me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close
friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
---------
A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the
wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I
KNOW they're my feet."
********************
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
********************
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
********************
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
********************
Courtesy of Steve Henderson
Randy Walker
The Good Humor man
**************
TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...
probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...
then you probably
haven't completely understood the situation.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame..
by yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people
in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
**************************************************
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