BEETHOVEN
A tourist passing a graveyard in Vienna hears symphonic music coming from a graveyard. Curious he enters and follows the music to a grave with the name Ludwig (w pronounced as a v) Von Beethoven, 1770-1827. He thinks he recognizes the piece as the Beethoven's Ninth, but is being played backward. He comes back the next day with a friend just to make sure he wasn't crazy. This time they hear the seventh symphony and it's once again being played backwards. Astounded they seek consul with the most scholarly music expert in Vienna. When they approach the grave they can hear Beethoven's Symphony in reverse as the other times. The scholar makes note that the symphonies are being played in reverse of how they were composed. 9th - 7th - 5th. Knowledge of this great discovery had reached throughout the city and throngs of people had descended upon the cemetery. Just then the caretaker happen to ramble by when the scholar asked him if he had a solution to the great mystery.
It's very simple" mused the caretaker. "He's decomposing".
CEMETERY CAPER
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled, "They misspelled my name!"
BEAR FACTS
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
THE SPECIALIST
British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smyths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smyth said, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell ... Ms Smyth: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..." Ms Smyth: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you." Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." Ms Smyth: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Ms Smyth: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." Ms Smyth: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out." Ms Smyth: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'" Ms Smyth: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." Ms Smyth: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Ms Smyth: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Ms Smyth: "She was?" Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Ms Smyth: "Four and five deep?" Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Ms Smyth: "You mean they actually chewed on your, um ... equipment?" Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." Ms Smyth: "I just can't believe it." Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Ms Smyth: "TRIPOD?!?" Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. ... Ms Smyth? ... Ms Smyth? ... My word, she's fainted!"
Sleeping and Praying
A Baptist minister dies and is waiting in line at the entrance to heaven. Just ahead of him is a guy who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the man in jeans and says. "Who are you, sir, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The man in the leather jacket replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver from Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. Then he looks at the taxi driver and smiles He stands erect and booms out, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Saint Peter addresses the him and says. "Who are you, sir, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of the First Baptist Church for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list, then he says solemnly to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man ahead of me was a taxi-driver and he got a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" Saint Peter replied, "Up here in heaven it is results that count. While you preached, people slept; but while that man drove, people prayed.*-----------------------------* MORRIS
*|-----------------------------|*
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a newcar. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the leastbit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfwaythough the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"----------------------------- A man walked into Joe's barber shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks, "What's up?" The man explains he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?" Joe says. "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded, dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya gettin' there?" The man replied, "We're taking TWA." "TWA!!!!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That DUMP!!!!!!?" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced. So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says, "We're going to see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA, that's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THAT trip! You're going to need it."A month later the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says,"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life?" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot." "Hmmmmm" Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described!" "No, quite the opposite. They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job. It's the finest hotel in Rome now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well" Joe mumbled, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, 5 minutes later the Pope walked through the door, shook my hand and I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me!" Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please. What did he say?" "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"Joe The Barber
-----------------------------
HOW TO GIVE THE BAD NEWS
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks: "so James, how’s my favorite dog doing??" and James very tersely says, "Your dog is dead" " "What??" says Phil "you can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it." "How?" says James. "Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof," remarked Phil. "Tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. "The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg, tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this???" "Yes," says James. "Good," remarks Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it??" "Yes." "Good, so, how’s Grandma doing?" asks Phil. "Well ..." James replies, "she's on the roof."Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up, Dad? Dad- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son- I believe, if I correctly understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I didn't scratchthe car. Dad- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. Dad- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, 'yes' or 'no', did you scratch the car? Son- I don't agree with your contention that you have evidence to prove I scratched the car. You see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. Dad- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. Dad- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. Dad- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. Dad- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? Son- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. Dad- Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart a$$? Son- From The President of the United States. Dad-I see... ------------------------------- Talking to God -------------------------------
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute." "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
------------------------------- Did you scratch the car? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
WOW...talk about GOIN TO THE ORIGINS OF A CLAIM
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?" ======================PAPER OR PLASTIC
====================== I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, “Paper or plastic? It doesn’t matter, she replied, I’m bisacksual. ======================DRUNK !?!?!?!!
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.She said, This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!====================== MEMOS FROM ...... WORK?!?! ====================== Memo No. 1: to employees: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual DayTask Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress. Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////// LOWER VILLE \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////// Did you hear about the new 3 Million Dollar Lowerville State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years. ---------- What do a Divorce in Lowerville, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer house. ----- Why do folks from Lowerville go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted. ----- What do you get when you have 32 Lowervillians in the same room? A full set of teeth. -------- Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Lowerville? Everyone has the same DNA. ----- Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Lowerville burned down? Yep. Pert’near took out the whole trailer park. ----- A new law was recently passed in Lowerville: when a couple gets a divorce, they’re still brother and sister. ----- Two Lowervillians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag? Jus’ some chickens. If I guess how many there are, can I have one? Shoot, ya guess right and I’ll give you both of them. OK. Ummmmm......, five? ----- An Lowervillian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, Hurry over here. My house is on fire! OK, replied the fireman, how do we get there? Say, don’t you still have those big red trucks? ----- The Lowervillian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. Want to go in the back seat? she asked.No,” he replied. A few minutes later she asked, Now do you want to get in the back seat? No,” he said again, I wanna stay here in the front seat with you. ----- ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "HOLY TOLEDO er HOLY NEW YORK" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die. The Frenchman says, I take ze poison. The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, Vive la France! and drinks it down. The Englishman says, A pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen!” and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, Gimme a fork. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, What are you doing??? The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, FORGET you and your STINKING canoe!|><><><><><><<><><><>><><><>><<>><<> PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" |><><><><><><><><><><>><><><>><<>><<> 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. 2. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. 3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? 4. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. 5. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. 6. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. 7. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. 8. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. 9. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. 10. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.___________________________________________ A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. When he opened it a genie appeared. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed, the ecology that would be disturbed. I am afraid sir, that is just too much to ask." The man agreed and thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that has been troubling me lately. help me to understand women......... The genie thought for a few minutes, then asked, "Do you want that highway to be two lanes or four?!"WOMEN
___________________________________________#$%&*(@#$%^#($&#%^#@*^$(^$^&^!*%^$%^&$% What's a proctologist? A crack investigator.
#$%&*(@#$%^#($&#^#@*^$(^$^&%^%$%^&$%^#
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