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THE LIST
GETTING INTUNE WITH OUR LORD ?!??!?
Some advertisments found in a City
1. "Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game" - God
2. "C'mon Over And Bring The Kids" - God
3. "What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand?" - God
4. "We Need To Talk" - God
5. "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - God
6. "Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage" - God
7. "That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It." - God
8. "I Love You...I Love You...I Love You..." - God
9. "Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?" - God
10. "Follow Me." - God
11. "Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding." - God
12. "My Way Is The Highway." - God
13. "Need Directions?" - God
14. "You Think It's Hot Here?" - God
15. "Tell The Kids I Love Them." - God
16. "Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available." - God
17. "Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test." - God
[forwarded by Trish Watlington]
~ A bad Scrabble player: Inconsonant with bad vowel movement.
~ A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
~ A hamster is a lot like a Ho-Ho--soft on the outside, creamy in the center.
~ A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
~ A mind is like a steel trap: Rusty, and illegal in 37 states.
~ A recipe for having friends: Be one.
~ A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
~ A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
~ A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.
~ A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?
~ According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
~ Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
~ Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
~ Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
~ Anarchy is better than no government at all.
~ Any day above ground is a good day.
~ Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
~ Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
~ Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
~ Bacteria: They're the only culture some people have.
~ Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!
~ Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the
"y" becomes silent.
~ Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
~ Before you criticize someone, make sure you've walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!
~ Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough
to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
~ Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to
be amused.
~ Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer
repairman.
~ Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
~ Cancer causes statistics, especially in lab rats.
~ Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
~ Clones are people two.
~ Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for
Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument
always ends in a tie.
~ Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.
~ Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way.
~ Disney World: a people-trap operated by a mouse.
~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
~ Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
~ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
~ Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
~ Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
~ Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.
~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work,
he lost his nerve.
~ Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
~ Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson
afterwards.
~ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
~ Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
~ Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
~ Have a great day...unless you have other plans.
~ He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the
next freeway exit!
~ He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.
~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~ HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~ History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
~ How can I miss you if you won't go away?
~ How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
~ How do I set my laser printer on stun?
~ How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than
1 pound?
~ I am having an out-of-money experience.
~ I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
~ I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
~ I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
~ I don't get even, I get odder.
~ I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!
~ I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
~ I haven't lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere!
~ I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
~ I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
~ I live with fear every day, but sometimes she lets me go fishing.
~ I lost my mind, but I'm sure I have it backed up on tape somewhere...
~ I started out in this world with nothing, and I still have most of it left!
~ I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
~ I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
~ I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
~ I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
~ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
~ I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority!
~ I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?
~ I've got a...uh...uh...oh yeah! A photographic memory!
~ If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
~ If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
~ If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
~ If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
~ If at first you don't succeed, call the author.
~ If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
~ If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
~ If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
~ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
~ If it doesn't kill you, it's probably healthy.
~ If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
~ If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
~ If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of Congress?
~ If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!
~ If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
~ If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians.
~ If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
~ If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
~ If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
~ If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
~ If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
~ If you had everything, where would you keep it?
~ If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
~ If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
~ If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
~ If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
~ If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
~ If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
~ In all human work the wise look for virtues and the fools look for flaws.
~ Indecision is the mother of flexibility. [Frank Stone]
~ Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
~ Is a dermatologist's knowledge only skin deep?
~ Is there another word for synonym?
~ Is there another word for Thesaurus?
~ It helps to not break the Prozac in half.
~ It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
~ It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.
~ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
~ It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.
~ Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer.
~ Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.
~ Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
~ Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
~ Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
~ Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.
~ Many people spend their health for wealth, and then try to spend their
wealth for health.
~ Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have
for which you would not take money.
~ Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
~ Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
~ Motivations can fade, but habits prevail.
~ My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
~ My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
~ Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
~ Never in my life did I have a lunch box that did not fill me with shame.
~ Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.
~ Normal is only a setting on your dryer.
~ On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.
~ On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!
~ One man's red tape is another man's system.
~ On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~ One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
~ Only two things are infinite, the universe and stupidity...and I'm not sure
about the former. (Albert Einstein)
~ Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
~ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
~ Paranoia is a terrible thing to waste.
~ People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer
to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
~ Practice doesn't make perfect. Practicing perfect makes perfect.
~ Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
~ Put not all thine eggs in one basket but diversify among many baskets and
speak up about the evils of the capital gains tax.
~ Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
~ Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
~ Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.
~ Rehab is for quitters.
~ Remember amateurs built the Ark. It was experts that built the Titanic.
~ Remember, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?
~ Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate!
~ Save Santa a trip--be naughty!
~ Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
~ Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~ Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.
~ Smile. Keep everyone confused.
~ Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
~ Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
~ Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
~ Success always occurs in private; failure in full view.
~ Success: If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better
off than if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded.
~ Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
~ Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
~ The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
~ The Blockbuster Entertainment awards were Tuesday: Nicolas Cage won for "Con
Air"; Julia Roberts won for "My Best Friend's Wedding"; and I won for
"Biggest Late Fee."
~ The facts--though they may be interesting--are irrelevant.
~ The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
~ The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.
~ The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need
mowed.
~ The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not much Medicare.
~ The older you get, the better you realize you were.
~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
~ The road to success is always under construction.
~ The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
~ The two most abundant elements in the universe are: hydrogen and stupidity.
~ The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
~ There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable
application of high explosives.
~ There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
~ Those who can't write, write help files.
~ Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
~ Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
~ Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
~ To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
~ Today is the last day of your life, so far.
~ Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the reverse.
~ Verb is a noun.
~ Wasting time is an important part of life.
~ We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.
~ What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? (A stick.)
~ What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
~ What is your mind? It doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind.
~ What's another word for thesaurus?
~ When all else fails, read the instructions.
~ When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did--in his
sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
~ When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?
~ When will all the rhetorical questions end?
~ When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
~ Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
~ Where there's a will, I want to be in it. (Speaking of mother-in-laws!)
~ Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts like
ties and fur coats."
~ Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
~ Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?
~ Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
~ Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
~ Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
~ Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
~ Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
~ Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
~ You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him think very clearly.
~ You can't teach an old dog new tricks or a new dog much of anything at all.
~ You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
~ You don't know the value of the water until it's gone.
~ You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll
be afraid to cough.
~ You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist.
~ You stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks
Mike Atkinson @ YOUTH SPECIALTIES
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marriage thoughts from small children.
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Allan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who
they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then!
Cam, age 10
No age is good to get married at....
You got to be a fool to get married!
Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.
Eddie, age 6
You might have to guess based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
Both don’t want no more kids.
Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich!
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them.... It’s the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing ... I’m never going to
have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!
Theodore, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them!
Anita, age 9
Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn’t
want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married,
I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and
have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.
Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins ...
I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?
Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.
Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!
Ricky, age 7
If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes....
Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.
Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.
Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
Kelvin, age 8
You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come
chasing after us just the same as they do now!
Roberta, age 7
All from kids'*'
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