*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
THE COLLEGE ATTACK AAAAAHH
YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT......
If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
(ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you eat at the cafeteria because it's"free", even though it sucks
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women
(whichever your preference)
If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages (he he he)
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail......
BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it
- that I would change so much and barely realize it
- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways
- that college kids throw airplanes, too
- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up
- that every clock on campus shows a different time
- that if you were smart in highschool - so what?
- that I would go to a party the night before a final
- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together
- that you can know everything and fail a test
- that you can know nothing and ace a test
- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie
- that home is a great place to visit
- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes
- that friendship is more than getting drunk together
- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about
- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50
- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination
- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry,
chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math
- that it is a really good idea to go places alone
- that it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by friends
- that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!
- don't be dismayed at goodbyes
- a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again,
after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.
71 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW
THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL IT ANYWAYS!
I Had to remove some of the items in this section
to accomadate the younger audience.
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I
have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15
min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of
the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if
necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've
been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb
that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Next section submitted by Jeremy Willis
31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
34. Bring cheerleaders.
35. Bring pets.
36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)
40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing
loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this
drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.
45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.
48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
use the phrase "Told you so".
53. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"
54. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the
person next to you as if he\she did it.
55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience
that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something
up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell
you."
56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think
that you're someone else.
57. Play loud music.
58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and
throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them.
Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an
exam.
59. Dress like the professor.
60. Cross-Dress.
61. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of
lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to
imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if
you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the
words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?"
It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.
64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything
that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make
a show of it.
67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers.
Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the
classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you.
When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules
of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about
halfway through the test, and should include at least three
waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay,
let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.
Number three, E...."
College habits you can bring home
Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone
number.
Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
Use your calling card when calling your friends.
Walk to the post office to get your mail.
Yell "FLUSH!"
Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a
stall.
Take all your shower items to and from your room.
Get dressed in the dark.
Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
Order pizza every Friday night.
Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep
in a room by yourself.
Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there
is too much extra space.
Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't
miss them.
Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to
go out.
Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).
Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine
and pay phone in the house.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job
pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
-------==========**********O**********==========---------
Subject: You Might Be an Engineer If
- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
- Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to
upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
- Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery,
and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
- The Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your
questions.
- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
- You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
- You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to
see how they do the special effects.
- You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
- You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
- You know what http:// stands for.
- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
- You see a good design and still have to change it.
- You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
- You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
get enough sleep.
- You window shop at Radio Shack.
- You're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at
the
moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
- You've already calculated how much you make per second.
- You've have tried to repair a $5 radio.
Randy Walker
The Good Humor man
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