*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
THESE HERE REDNECK FILES
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.........
From The Redneck Files Of
DICK LANDMAN
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table,
in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all
watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
You take a cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against
it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK
HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
...And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been
Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?"
Ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard &
Bowden
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"...
some guy in the back stands up and hollers Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you
been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese
Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster
truck rally
...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...
Sign in front of the church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!
ALRIGHT THIS ONE'S A THINKER ..
Question: What do you call a deer from the south with no eyes?
Answer: No eye deer - -
COME ON YOU CAN DO IT
Question: What do you call a deer from the south with no eyes and no
legs?
Answer: Still no eye deer - -
Randy Walker
The Good Humor man
*******************************
COME ON .. IT TOOK ME A FEW BUT DOGON IT .. i FIGGURD IT OUT ..
GO ON AN TRI IT AGIAN
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan.
Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain
the value of what was insured and provide you with a new
one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd
like to cancel the policy on my husband."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife
that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your
husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said,
"Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem
so quiet."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ BUBBAH ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about
Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba
says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and
his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss
replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs
and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the
crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony
with Bubba?"
------------------------------------
Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
-Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"
-Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a
bodily function noise.
-Say, "Darn, this water's cold."
-Drop a marble and say, "Oh man! My glass eye!"
-Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
-Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into
the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
-Say, "Now how did that get there?"
-Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of you neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
-Say, "Interesting . . . more floaters than sinkers."
-Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet
paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,
"Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
-Say, "C'mon now! Don't fall asleep on me."
......oof.....
-Say, "Boy, that sure looks .. uh .... different .. hmmmm."
-Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little to small. Now what am I
gonna do?" and holding a cup of water .. poor it on the floor ... yeow ..
"WOAH"
**************************************************
*SEE IT AGAIN*
cards similar to this one & a lot more A Free Cards listing
If your browser did not send the card the other way or you just want
an easy way to send this card just hilite & copy from line to line
then paste into an email to your friend ......
here
\/
______________________________________
You have been sent a very special online page!
To Pick up your online page just visit the Online station at:
http://members.dencity.com/maxdcards/joke8.html
===
oh and tell a friend
and sign in please
Thanks, JohnS...........[MAX] Postmaster
:o)
All online pages left unclaimed after a few will be eaten
......... mmmmmmmmmm thanks
______________________________________
/\
to here
PTL
Raen *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*