“Okay, which one of you is the father?”  The obstetrician asked the assembled collection of males. 
        “There are entirely too many people in this room.”  She had a brief moment of longing for what she resolved to never again think of as ‘the bad old days’ when the only male to set foot in the delivery room was the doctor. 
        The six of them exchanged awkward glances, except for the one kneeling beside the patient’s bed. 
        She looked at the guy on the floor, but he shook his head and made a ‘not me’ gesture with his free hand.  The other was clamped tightly in the woman’s hand. 
        “Ah, none of us really,” one of them said. 
        She sighed, “Then, which one of you is the Lamaze coach?” 
        More awkward glances and shuffling feet.  She again looked to the guy on the floor who was grimacing as the woman twisted his hand through another contraction.  He shook his head again. 
        “Some. One. Get. My. Mother,” the patient ground out. 
        “I will,” the guy on the floor said, starting to get up. 
        “Let go of my hand and you die, Agent Doggett.” She said and jerked him back down to his knees.  He flinched as his right knee made sharp contact with the floor. 
        “Agent Scully, could you . . . ouch . . . my knee . . .” 
        “Screw your knee.  I’m having a fucking baby here.” 
        “I’ll go,” Byers said. 
        “I’ll help you,” Langley said and the two men fled. 
         The doctor looked to the remaining men.  “Now who are you three?  At least two of you have to go.” 
        Mulder, looking suspiciously green, said,  “I’m her partner.” 
        The doctor nodded.  “Okay, then you . . .”
        “Not that kind of partner.  FBI partner.  Although,” he said thoughtfully, “not exactly anymore.  I mean, I got fired.  And, I, um, I think I‘m going to get sick,” he said and fled. 
        Not knowing how to respond to that, she looked to the other two.  “We’re friends,” the tall bald guy said. 
        “Okay, how about both of you get out then.  We’ll just stick with Mrs. Scully and,” she threw a sympathetic glance at the guy on the floor, “Agent Doggett.  Do you have a first name?  Or does everyone at the FBI change their given name to Agent?” 
        “John,” he said from between clenched teeth. 
        Mrs. Scully entered the room just then.  “Dana, honey, are you all right?  John and Richard said you were upset.” 
        “I’m not fucking upset.  Why has it seemed to escape everyone’s fucking attention that I am having a fucking baby?” She shrieked. 
        “Do not use that language with me, young lady!” 
        “Jesus H. Christ, would you all stop arguing with the woman before she breaks my goddamn hand!” Doggett bellowed, temporarily deafening everyone in the room. 
        Mrs. Scully fixed him with a severe look.  “John, we will be having a discussion later.” 
        “Oh, goody,” he muttered. 
        “I hate all of you,” Scully howled through another contraction. 
        Doggett reached over with his free hand and grabbed a hold of the doctor’s scrubs.  “Would you please get this woman some fucking drugs?  Is that too much to ask?” He said with deceptive pleasantness. 
        “Out,” the doctor said to the other two men.  They filed out the door without hesitation. 

Several hours and one birth later:
        Mulder crept cautiously into Scully’s hospital room, expecting a torrent of abuse. 
        Scully smiled beatifically at him from the bed. 
        “Mulder! Mulder! Mulder!” She trilled in delight. 
        He shot a glance at Doggett who was sitting in the chair by her bed.  Doggett rolled his eyes and mouthed “drugs.”  Mulder nodded in comprehension. 
        “How are you feeling, Scully?” He asked. 
        “I’m just fine.  Really great actually.   Did you know that Mulder backwards is Redlum?  What do you think that means?”  She asked smiling vaguely. 
        Mulder exchanged another look with Doggett but the other man just shrugged.  “Uh, well, I’m glad you’re doing okay.” 
         “John’s not so good though.” 
        “I’m fine,” he insisted. 
        A mournful look settled over Scully’s face.  “Mulder, I broke John,” she whispered pathetically.  “He was so nice to me, and I broke him.” 
        “Er . . .,” He shot the other man a confused look. 
        Doggett held up his right hand which was enclosed in a bright white plaster cast.  It was already decorated with ‘Dana Scully, MD’ in clumsily scrawled large red letters. 
        “She broke your hand?” Mulder asked. 
        “Three bones in my wrist,” Doggett said matter-of-factly.  “She twisted right, I tried to move left and snap.” 
        “Ouch.” 
        “Yeah.” 
        “She was cute,” Scully announced. 
        “Who?” Mulder asked bewildered. 
        “The doctor that put John’s cast on,” Scully said rolling her eyes and sighing in exasperation at his stupidity.  “She was very cute, John.  And smart, she went to Harvard, I asked.” 
        “Okay,” Doggett said. 
        “You should make her your girlfriend.” 
        “I don’t think it works that way,” he said. 
        “Sure it does.  Besides, she’s in loooove with you.  I can tell.  Can I call you Johnny?” She asked and tried to ruffle his hair.  Doggett managed to dodge her hand before she jammed a finger in his eye. 
        “No, you can not.  And no, she is not. Besides, how would you know?  You’re higher than the space shuttle.” 
        “Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t make me stupid.  Oh, wait, I’m not pregnant anymore am I?” Scully said but before they could reply dropped off to sleep. 
        The two men crept out of the room and stood awkwardly in the hall. 
        Mulder smirked.  “You got beat up by a girl.” 
        Doggett fixed him with the blue stare of death.  “I’m left handed,” he said and made a fist for emphasis. 
        “I’ll just shut up now,” Mulder said with what he hoped was a winning smile. 
        “You do that.” 
        Their stare down was interrupted by the arrival of a tall woman with long straight black hair who resembled Miss Malaysia in scrubs rather than an emergency room doctor.  “Hey, I see you’ve already got your first signature,” she said warmly to Doggett. 
        He ducked his head slightly and smiled at her.  “Yeah, she feels pretty bad about this.” 
        “I’m sure you’ve had worse,” she said giving Doggett the once over with a look that clearly said she’d be more than happy to inspect his person for scars. 
        He shrugged noncommittally, but continued to smile at her. 
        “So, I was wondering,” she began, “would you like to have dinner sometime, Agent Doggett?” 
        “I’d love to.  Thursday night?” 
        She smiled and pulled a business card out of pocket.  “My home number’s on the back.  I‘ll see you Thursday.” 
        She sauntered off down the hall leaving the two men to stare after her. 
        “Are you sure she really went to medical school?” Mulder asked bewildered.  “I thought the only doctors who looked like that were in Bond movies.” 
        Doggett smiled smugly and tucked the card into his pocket.  “The world is full of beautiful women,” he said expansively. 
        “Why does that never happen to me?” He asked pathetically. 
        “Dunno, but you must be doing something wrong.” 
        Mulder glared at him. 
        “Skinner’s got a date with the obstetrician, and last I looked, Frohike was making time with the anesthesiologist.” 
        “I hate you all.” Mulder started to walk off down the hall. 
        “Hey, where you going?” Doggett said and stopped him.  “It’s your turn to sit with Scully.” 
        “But she’s asleep.” 
        “Not for long.  Those drugs are about to wear off.” 
        Mulder stared at him in horror.  “And you’re just going to leave me here? By myself?” He said voice gradually rising with panic until the last word was nothing more than a squeak. 
        “Yeah, payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?” 
        “Payback for what?” Mulder asked outraged.  “What did I ever do to you? I mean besides the shove thing.  And all those times I implied you were stupid.  And unimaginative. And stubborn.  Come on, the bunny suit should have covered that,” he said desperately. 
        “Not from me, genius.  From Scully.  Seven years of dragging her around the country chasing aliens?  You do remember what’s in the X-files?  Abduction, cancer, dead sister. Ring a bell?” 
        Mulder winced. 
        “It’ll take the rest of your life to get out from under that, man.  I hope you know how to change a diaper.  Cause you‘re going to be doing a lot of that.”