| Artsy - Fartsy: Crap or Experimentation? |
| May 14 2002 |
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| The biggest problem with filming an apple for two hours straight is that someone who is hungry could be making much better use of it. Changing the camera angle, maybe smashing the apple... now that could be perceived as art by someone who was, well, blind. But how is filming an apple, as-is, art? There are a few dim-witted over-pretentious fools who would argue that doing so would be considered cutting-edge and emotionally devasting work. I'm talking about "starving artists." You know who I mean-- Mommy and daddy sent them off to college so they could become working- class citizens, and what do they do? Take 8mm film and pour hours and hours of work into creating meaningless cinematic drabble which they percieve as breathtaking, message-filled mosaics of passionful art. The best part? Their hard work and determination cannot in any way allow them to make any degree of money, or else they're considered sell-outs. They constantly rip into Hollywood, saying that big-budget films are silly, wasteful, boring, etc., and that what they produce has potent ideals and some sort of deep, meaningful message. Yeah, right, and I suppose next you're going to tell me Carrot Top will one day become the next Richard Pryor or Robin Williams? Hmm... not quite happening. Here's what I want you to do, mister or misses "ar-teest." Take your 8 & 16mm cameras, all of your un-molested film, your scented pechouli candles, those Elvis Costello-style tinted glasses, your box of markers and crayola pencils, and the various "sets" you contructed by yourself using broken glass, twigs, mirrors, and bright flourecent halogen lamps, and box them up. Now take that box to E-bay and sell it off. Now you have some start-up capital to buy yourself a nice-new 35mm "motion picture" camera. I'm sure you can always ask mom and dad for more money if you don't quite have enough yet... I'm certain they'd like to see you apply your knowledge to something valuable, and since they're paying for your large midtown studio apartment right now, I'm sure they've got the extra bucks. Okay, you're half way there. Now toss your idealistic hogwash into your 100% made-from-recycled-plastic trash receptical, sit down at your computer, and hammer out an "entertaining" script. Then take your camera and the new script, mix them together, and what do you have? Solid gold: an actual "movie." You can have a message in this movie, but you have to make it appeal to more people than, well, yourself, and creativity is more than welcome for your little project... just ask Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Guy Ritchie... they are probably the most creative directors in the world, commonly stolen from and very, very rich. I'd have you ask Stanley Kubrick, but, well, he's dead. Not only is it senseless to not profit from hard work, but it's a waste of my time. Because of morons like you, I had to take time out of my busy life to rant about your silly "films." Do something good for humanity and make us a real movie. quite frankly, there's nothing more pathetic than watching your mind-numbing garbage on IFC. -Matt Rock |