| It's REALLY not a sports car: STOP PRETENDING |
| May 6 2002 |
| Here are a few useful tips to become the envy of all your friends! All it takes is $3,000, a body shop, and a dream to become the coolest person on your block, in your town, or even in the whole wide world! Just follow these easy-to-use steps I've written below to become a GOD amongst everyone on the road! Here you go: (1) Buy a Honda Civic, preferably 1987-1994. This will also work with a Honda Prelude, Accord, Acura Integra, Acura Legend, or any cheap vehicle out of Germany from the same year- bracket. You could also even use a Neon, but only if you're the creative type. (2) Re-paint it any bright, obnoxious colour you'd like. Commonly we see green, yellow, red, and silver. For those of you wanting to scare the wits out of other cars wishing to race you, try black. (3) COVER your car in decals, from head-to-toe. Japanese words meaning "Fast" or any other similar phrase meaning "Speed" are best to use. Racing stripes are a must! (4) Attach the largest spoiler you can find to the trunk of your car... one which prefferably matches the colour of your vehicle, but this is only an option. The Spoiler MUST AT LEAST be taller than the roof of your car, and also, make sure that, at all costs, this spoiler disrupts the aerodynamics of your vehicle for minimal handling ability. (5) Attach a sporty muffler to your car. This will make it sound loud and ferocious, giving it the appearance of fast. (6) Buy a crate of 15" speakers, a large amplifier, and 50-60+ rap CD's for your (and everyone within two blocks') listening pleasure. (7) Buy a "wife-beater" shirt and a Nike Cap. Okay! Now you're the coolest human being on the planet! You have the fastest car in the world, and everyone knows it. Okay, fine... I'm lying to you. You're really not cool. everyone wants to point and laugh when you drive down the street. Compensating for having a very tiny set of genitalia is a difficult task for millions of men (boys) in the world, and you're no acception to the rule. Just remember, friend: Being cool is a state of mind. If you think you're cool, you can be cool, without some obnoxious set of "wheels" to prove your manhood. Someday you'll meet a girl that will love you for you, and won't laugh when you take your "Tommy" jeans and Tazmanian Devil boxers off... I promise. Really. Now... do us a favour? No one wants to hear your favourite track off the new "DMX" album, so stop playing it. Sell your crap-box, buy a nice Nissan or even a normal Honda or Acura, and speak proper English, thus excluding words like "Yo" and "Phat." We know you're educated... act like it. -Matt Rock |
 |