TIME BRINGS CHANGE

It’s about time that I brought up that certain subject that needs to be talked about. What is that certain subject? you may ask, but you know. I’m talking about HOMEMADE PARAPHERNALIA! You know what I’m talking about now, right? Stuff like toilet-paper pipes, jar bongs, and hey! Even potato-pipes and pieces of wood, sometimes!

Well it was like this: Bob Peagreen and Mike Cheney had made two great pipes out of these toilet-paper rolls, but that wasn’t good enough so they grabbed a pumpkin, carved the shit out of it, and made an excellent bong out of it. It was pretty good. It provided an excellent high, no shit. Mike and Bob decided to use it and get high in Mike’s bedroom. Mike lived in the top left of the castle. His bedroom overlooked the huge lawn, water fountains, and the entrance to the driveway. That way, they could get high and watch to see if anyone drove up, so they wouldn’t get caught smoking pot.

"What kind of pot is this?" Mike asked as Bob loaded the bowl.

"This is my own shit," Bob replied, "This is that stuff that I grow in the garage."

"The garage! You dick. Mom and dad are gonna come home pretty soon, and they’ll be parking in the garage."

"I know," Bob continued, "But they’ve parked there before and they haven’t said anything to me about it. I guess they just don’t notice the plants."

Mike lit a lighter, then toked heavily on some damned good home grown. Before you knew it, they were both pretty stoned. Suddenly their parents drove into the driveway . . .well, they weren’t really the two’s real parents. Mike and Bob were adopted. They didn’t know who their real parents were! Bummer. So Bob and Mike wanted to escape from their parents, I mean from their step parents so that they could get back to their real parents. Got it? Good. Their step parents drove up to the entrance of the driveway, which was 100 yards from the house. Well, normally, they could’ve drove 100 yards in no time at all, but about an hour earlier, Mike and Bob found the keys to one of the Mercedes Benz’s that their step father owned. They found the key in the ignition. So Bob got a great idea: "Hey Mike, let’s get outta here. Hop in."

Mike jumped in and Bob sat in the car, and they took off. But before they got out of the driveway, they hit a tree and the car spun sideways, completely blocking the driveway from the house. Therefore, their step mom and dad couldn’t drive up.

"Shit I forgot about the Mercedes," said Mike as he loaded another bowl, "But maybe if we’re real assholes, they’ll help us find our parents and try to get rid of us or something."

But people listen to me! Bob and Mike already poisoned their private lake, ruined every car their step parents gave them, and killed all their pets. Their step parents were rich, but kind of nuts, too. They never got mad at anything that Bob and Mike did wrong. So why did they want to escape? The hell if I know, I’d stay there if I was either one of them and live it up. But Bob and Mike want to escape so this story must continue.

Suddenly Bob and Mike’s step parents walked into the front door of the castle. The two stoners could tell because they heard the drawbridge being brought up.

"Wait a minute," said Bob, "I’ve got it. Let’s roll some huge joints and smoke them right in front of them! Maybe they’ll get rid of us, then."

Mike had already rolled two cigar-sized joints. He handed one to Bob and lit it, as well as his own. "Now," said Mike, "let’s go find them."

Bob and Mike walked out of the bedroom door, down four flights of stairs, across three hallways, down the royal staircase, then into the guest living room. That’s where they met their step parents.

"Hiya, mom and dad," said Bob as he toked on the still lit joint and blew smoke in his step mom’s face.

Mike just smiled, then said to his dad, "Eat not what of you but treaded softly?"

"What did you say?" asked his dad.

"Oh never mind. Hey mom and dad, did you two notice anything different about me and Bob?"

"Yes," said their step dad, "Are you two smoking my cigars?"

"No man," said Bob. "These are joints."

"What’s a joint?" asked their step mom.

"What do you mean?" asked Bob, "These are joints! Don’t you know what that is? We are smoking pot."

"What’s pot?" asked step dad.

"Oh my god what’s wrong with you?" screeched Mike, "This is pot, you know, marijuana? Weed? Grass . . .uh . . .uh . . .and we are high, ya know? On drugs! Yes, we’re high on drugs. Do you understand now?"

"Afraid not," said step dad, "But could I have one of those joints? I’m outta cigars."

"And let me have one," said step mom, "because I ran out of cigarettes." Bob quickly rolled two joints and gave them to his step parents. He lit them up. Then he motioned for Mike to follow him. Bob went into a hallway, then turned to face Mike.

"Listen," he said, "This is strange! Those two are really stupider than I thought! They don’t even know what pot, drugs or high means."

"No shit," said Mike. "So what so we do now?"

"Let’s get high with them, then we’ll think of something."

The two went back to their step-parents, but something else, too! There was a man with long black curly hair in a white robe standing there next to step mom and dad.

"They are in Zeno-land," said the man, while pointing to Mike’s and Bob’s step parents, "They got too high and went to Zeno-land. That’s where the zeroes live." Step mom and step dad were crashed out.

"Who are you?" asked Mike.

"I am Captain Zero," answered the man, "King of Zeno-land. You two must let me take you to a restaurant so we can eat."

Bob and Mike just stared. Captain Zero? Who the hell is Captain Zero?

"Hey, Zeno-man or whatever, would you please answer a few questions?" said Mike.

"No!" said the King of Zeno-land, "You come with me now, or I will kill you!" and with that, the king pulled out a chain saw and started it up. Then he pointed it in Mike and Bob’s direction. Then he turned it off and said, "Now, you come with me to eat at a restaurant or I’ll cut you up with this chain saw."

Bob looked at Mike then said nothing.

Mike looked at Bob then said nothing.

Then they said nothing again. Then Bob said, "Hey Mr. Zero, could me and Mike talk this over. I mean this is rather strange for us, don’t you think? I mean, first, our step-mom and dad are into Zeno-land, and then, you want us to . . ."

"Shut-up," said the king in a matter of fact voice, "Eat with me at a restaurant, or die," and he started and stopped the chain saw again.

Mike and Bob ran out the front door and headed for the car that their step mom and dad drove up in, but when they looked back, Captain Zero was not behind. "Let’s jump in the car and get the hell out of here," said Bob as they ran up to the car. Mike started the car as Bob got in.

Then a sound was heard in the back seat. It was a chain saw. The blade cut into the front seat, right between the two. Then it stopped.

"Ah-ha!" said a familiar voice. It was Captain Zero, the King of Zeno-land, "So you thought you could escape me?" Captain Zero pulled the chain saw out of the front seat.

Mike and Bob looked at each other and were pretty scared. "How the hell did you get in the car," said Mike, "when you were just in the house?"

"There are many things about me you don’t know," said Zeno, "but we go to restaurant and eat . . .NOW!"

Mike started the car. He didn’t want to take any more chances. He didn’t want to get hit with that chain-saw. Mike backed out of the driveway then he took off through their step mom and dad’s forest. Then he reached the main street on Traes One.

"Where do you want to eat?" asked Bob, who was also freaked-out on this guy with a chain-saw. What the hell is he gonna do? Is he going to take it in the restaurant with him?

"I want to eat at Dakota Coffee House!" said Captain Zero, "I want to eat there now, because if we don’t, you two are gonna get sliced to pieces! Heh-heh-heh . . ."

Mike and Bob just stared straight ahead and wondered if this was really happening. Mike drove up to Dakota Coffee House, which was a short two hundred miles away. When they got out of the car to go into the restaurant, Captain Zero brought the chain saw with him. Mike and Bob didn’t know what to do, but to enter the restaurant. Everyone stared at the King of Zeno-land. The dishwasher of the Dakota Coffee House walked nearby with a bus tub full of dishes. The dishwasher had eaten two hits of LSD 25 three hours earlier, and he was pretty wired. He looked at Captain Zero, and freaked. He dropped the bus-tub and laughed, then said, "I gotta smoke a cigarette," and he walked away.

Captain Zero and Mike and Bob sat down at a table. The two (Mike and Bob) ordered coffee, while the king ordered an omelet. Remember that dishwasher? Well he put acid in the coffee and the omelet. Before you knew it, the three were completely fucked-up. Then they started hallucinating and what they saw snapped their minds and drove them mad. That’s the last thing they ever remembered.

THE END

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