Three days, three long, confusing, unproductive days. Quatre was going crazy.
“Trowa, I’ve already told you, I don’t remember anything past the two of us falling asleep on that couch. I don’t remember any nightmare, or anything else. Why are you pushing this?”
For the last three days, Trowa had awoken him with a gentle kiss, then insisted they shower and get dress, only to find the two of them in their rooms. Trowa would not allow Quatre to leave, and he had no idea why.
“I wanted to make sure. Are you hungry?” Around meal time, Trowa would walk up to Quatre who was usually reading and ask him the same question, then if the answer was an affirmative, he would stand, walk to the keypad, unlock it, step outside the door, and then lock the keypad with another code. He wasn’t allowing Quatre to leave.
“Well a little maybe.” Trowa nodded and stood, “Wait! Let me come with you.” Trowa shook his head, “Why Trowa, I don’t understand? I just want to go to the mess hall with you. I’d like to talk to Duo, or even Heero. I just want to go out and eat with you!” Frustration seeped into his words in the end, and he could feel Trowa getting a little guilty, then in a flash it was gone, and Trowa was shaking his head again, before walking to the door.
Quatre was on him in a flash. Like a desperately in-caged man-which he was-Quatre reached around Trowa, and grabbed him by the shoulder, effectively spinning him around. “Trowa this has to stop. I don’t understand what you’re trying to do, but I don’t appreciate it. You won’t let me leave our rooms, I can’t talk to anyone, and you’ve thrown the vid-com,” he threw his hands into the air in frustration, “Somewhere! Tell me what’s going on. Is there something I don’t know about? Something bad?” Sudden fear shone in his eyes, “Oh God, it isn’t Duo is it? Or Heero, or Wufei?”
He didn’t understand, this wasn’t anything like Trowa, he usually wanted them to go everywhere together, and abhorred the idea that they could be separated. For him to even consider leaving to get Quatre meals, well, just the leaving part was totally out of character for his lover.
“Quatre, nothing’s wrong with any of them, they’re all fine. You should sit on the couch, I’ll be back-“
“I will not sit on that couch!” The outburst would have been out of character for the Quatre of six months ago, but the past few months with his sisters had shown Quatre to be much more aggressive, especially when alone with Trowa. It scared him to think he could one day lose control, like his father…
“Quatre, you must trust me. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.” There was a pleading look in Trowa’s one visible eyes, and perhaps that’s what scared Quatre the most. Usually, he had no trouble reading Trowa, the time they’d spent together, getting closer, and learning about each other, had afforded him the opportunity to learn to read his green eyed lover. But now, ever since the thing with his sisters, there was an unusual amount of emotions rushing in at once. It over powered Quatre, often forcing him to shy away from is beloved. While Quatre had been disturbed by it, he was also relieved, being close to Trowa offered him a chance to notice certain things, things Quatre didn’t know how to explain yet. But now, Trowa stood before him in words and actions foreign to the both of them, and Quatre was suddenly afraid to trust the one man he’d promise too.
“I know you’d never try to hurt me. But this,” he gestured around the room, “This hurts me. I just want to go outside for a little while. It’s not too much to ask. Obviously, you want me to stay here, and while it frightens me a little that you’d lock me in rather than trust me, I’m willing to accept that too. But I just want some fresh air, Trowa, certainly you can understand that.” He hated the sound of weakness that entered his voice in the end, he sounded so much like a begging child. Trowa was his lover, yes, his soul mate, yes, but he was not his keeper.
Softly the taller man shook his head, “You needed to stay here, Quatre. I’ll bring you something to eat. I’ll only be gone a few-“
“DAMNIT, TROWA! I don’t care how long you’re gone, I won’t stay here a minute longer!” With that he strode to the door, and punched in his pass-code, hoping it would work again. When it didn’t he slammed his fist into the keys, indenting them onto his knuckles. “What the hell is going on? Answer me, Trowa!”
Not saying a word, Trowa moved to examine Quatre’s hand, which he had cradled close to his body, “You shouldn’t have hurt yourself like that.”
Quatre could feel the anger rise in him, there was too much; he was flooded with too much. He lashed out at Trowa, grabbing his hand away, and pushing the taller man so that he fell back a step. “I don’t know what game you’re playing Trowa, but it’s over. Let me out of these rooms now. I will not be held a prisoner in my own home.” Trowa shook his head, yet again, ‘no.’ “DAMNIT, TROWA!” He took a step towards him, letting anger rule his steps.
“Go ahead, Quatre, if it’ll make you feel better.”
“What are you talking about?!”
His demeanor was calm, and that made Quatre even more angry. Then in just a few short words, his world fell down around him like broken glass, “If hitting me will make you feel better, then do it.”
Quatre blanched, his fists dropped into open palms that rested against his thighs. His face registered what Trowa had said, first as confusion, and then appalled. His eyes went wide, and he suddenly realized that that had been exactly what he was going to do. Horror wrote itself all over his body, and he took an involuntary step away from his beloved, running into the door that would not open.
“No-no, Trowa, I would never…I mean…I’d never hurt-“ then he remembered that day so many weeks ago, when he had done just that. When in anger he had struck Trowa, out of frustration, and he realized that just now he had been so dangerously close to doing it again.
Quatre’s eyes grew wide with recognition, “Trowa, listen, please, I’d…I would never hurt you. Everything in my life now is to try not to hurt you! I-I love you so much. I just-I don’t know what’s-what’s happening to me.” He ran a shaking hand through is long bangs, keeping his eyes on Trowa’s face, but never looking him in the eye. “Trowa.”
He tried to take a step, tried to make his body reach out to comfort his lover, but the memories and emotions came at him in a rush. Trowa lying in his arms, silent tears running down both of their faces. ‘Shhhh, Trowa, I can’t make the past go away, but I won’t let anything like that happen to you ever again. I love you, I’ll protect you. If and when you decide to be with me; beyond kisses and soft touches-which is fine with me-I will show you Trowa, show you it can be different. I will never hurt you; I love you.’ Trowa being unable to hold back the flood of relief, great gasping sobs escaping his thin body. ‘I will never hurt you, Trowa. Love makes me not want to hurt you, and I do love you, more than anything in the world. Shhhh, beloved, the time is not right now, you still hurt too much, but you must believe me, believe that I cherish you above all things, and will never allow harm to come to you. I will never cause you pain, Trowa, I will only give you love.’
But he’d lied. Looked straight into his lovers face so many times, and lied to his very soul. He’d promised to go to him, and never had. He’d promised to tell him everything, but never did. He promised to never hurt him, and now it seemed like everything he did was worse than anything Trowa’s past could have done to him. Because Trowa had trusted him, let himself fall in love with him, and he had betrayed him, totally, utterly, and completely. He didn’t deserve him, didn’t deserve his love; Trowa deserved the stars, and all Quatre had given him was the cold void of outer space.
Pulling his hand back, as if he’d been burned, Quatre pushed all of his weight away from Trowa and dropped his eyes. He would not again harm his beloved. Trowa’s emotions flooded his system, and Quatre winced at the pain it caused him.
“No, Quatre.” Trowa moved forward the two spaces that separated the lovers, and brought the struggling Quatre into his arms. “Don’t do that, don’t push me away.”
Still struggling, Quatre lifted his head and spoke in a desperate plea, words that cause both of their hearts to shatter. “I have to Trowa. I won’t hurt you anymore. I’ve ruined everything, all my promises, all my words of love are meaningless. You have to get away from me, I won’t hurt you anymore.”
Trowa forced Quatre to look him in the eye, “This,” he indicated Quatre’s struggles, “Hurts me. It tears me up, to know that you’d rather be away from me than with me.”
“No, Trowa! That’s not what I meant!”
“I know, but I can’t seem to tell my heart that. You’ve taught me everything I know about love, and now you push away from me. You promised me so many times that you would be there when I needed you, and I thought that by telling you the same thing-like me-you’d eventually seek me out. But you didn’t, instead you avoid me, doing everything in your power to make sure we never discuss anything that’s hurting you.
“I’ve watched you fall apart in my arms, so many times, only to say to me later that it was nothing, that it was just ‘lingering sadness.’ I’m not a fool, Quatre, I know what’s going on. This thing with your sisters, with your family is destroying you; the fact that your family pushes you away, hurts you so very much. But you don’t want to burden me. You think that by keeping me ignorant of the things they say, or what’s really going on you’ll be able to protect me. But it isn’t working Quatre, it isn’t working.
“Instead, I feel more hurt than any of their words, because you won’t speak to me, you won’t come to me, you won’t touch me, or let me get close to you. You think you’re protecting me, but really you’re killing me, Quatre. It has to stop, for both of our sakes.”
Somewhere during Trowa’s speech, Quatre had begun to cry soft quite tears that stained his cheeks red, and caused his eyes to grow puffy. His voice, when he spoke was soft, defeated, lost. “I know Trowa. I know. I’ve tried to tell myself that. But I see you, I look at you and I remember what we went though when you needed me all of the time. I know how-how hard it was for me to be so strong for you. I never wanted you to have to do that, to have to be so strong for me. I was suppose to take care of you!”
“You have Quatre. You’ve shown me things I would never have seen had you not been there. You’ve given me the most precious gift in the world, love, and it’s something I would never have know had you not given it to me so freely, so unconditionally. But I’m not the same person I was at sixteen, you’ve made me better, stronger. I can be the person you need me to be, Quatre. Or at least I could have…”
Quatre’s eyes went wide with absolute terror, “Could have??? No Trowa, I need you, you can’t leave me! You can’t!”
“Hush, Quatre, that’s not what I meant, I’m not leaving you. I’ll never leave you. I’ll stay until you decide you don’t want me anymore, or I die. Those are the only two reasons I will ever leave you. But I can’t be the person you go to. Something Heero said made sense; there are some things you cannot discuss with your loved ones.
“Do you remember when Heero could not tell Duo about the man that raised him? Can you remember how that ate at Duo, not being able to help him, because he wouldn’t let him? Heero tried to tell Duo, he did, but he just couldn’t get the words passed his lips. He could talk about it with me, and he did, but with Duo he couldn’t. Do you know why? Because Heero thought that Duo’s childhood was so much more awful than his own that he couldn’t bear to burden him. But it wasn’t true, Heero and Duo both had terrible childhood’s, but Heero just couldn’t get Duo’s pain out of his mind, wouldn’t allow Duo to be put through that. In the end, Heero had to talk with a dozen counselors before he finally told Duo, and when he did, it was as if a dam broke. He’s been different ever since, talking more, allowing his emotions to be expressed on his face. All that, and all he had to do was talk to someone else, someone other than Duo first.”
“Is that-is that what you’re doing? You want me to go somewhere and talk this through? But Trowa, you don’t-I mean you can’t-my sisters, they’re still going to be there. The problem is still going to be there! Heero had the luxury of his past being done, mine is still with me.” He paused, collecting himself, “Besides, now that I know how you feel, now that we’ve talked, I know I can go to you. I know that, I-I want to-I will come to you…I…will…”
He wanted to believe that he would, desperately wanted to, but in the end, he knew it was just another lie. His drive to protect Trowa was too great, even if Trowa hurt, even if Quatre was the one hurting him, it was better than his sisters and societies words, better than the pain he felt, the inadequacy that haunted his every waking moment. He knew in his heart, he could never ask Trowa to listen to that; Trowa needed to be loved, not burdened. And again there was the matter of who he could trust, who’d be there for him always. The test…
“I know you want to, and even that you’d try, but you wouldn’t. I don’t think you can. You hurt too much, Quatre, there isn’t any room for me right now.” Quatre tried to protest, tried to tell him that he was wrong, “I know you love me, Quatre. I do. But right now, I have to love you more. Enough to let someone come between us, so that you can get some help. I’ll still be here, I already told you I’d never leave you. But you can’t come to me now. So I’ll wait, I’ll protect you the only way I know how; I’ll let someone else try to reach you.” He tightened his grip on Quatre, feeling the younger man shake.
“In four days a empathic psychiatrist from the outer colonies will arrive. Sally recommended her. She seems to think she’s the best, and I trust her judgment. This is for the best, Quatre. I needed you to feel the same. It’s the only way this will work.”
There was a burning in Quatre’s eyes when they looked into Trowa’s then, a look of grief so great, it threatened to overpower both of them. “I haven’t lost you yet, have I Trowa?”
“No Quatre. You haven’t lost me, but I’ve lost you; and now I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to find you. Whatever it takes.”
A uneasy silence settled upon the pair of lovers, neither knowing exactly what needed to be said to comfort the other, the barrier was too great. Finally, Quatre broke the silence, as he’d always done. “I’ll agree to this, Trowa. I will, but you can’t keep me locked up for the next four days. I need to get out, I’m going stir crazy in here. I…I can’t expl-NO!”
Suddenly Quatre took a step back from Trowa, who was so startled he let his grip on the smaller boy fall away. Quatre seemed to struggle with something, a mental dialogue that fought in his brain and most importantly his heart. Finally, “I-I’ll try to explain. I’ll try to tell you why you have to let me out of here.” He paused, looking at Trowa, but not really seeing him. Quatre reached out his hand and took Trowa’s leading the taller man to the couch.
They sat, and Trowa could feel Quatre’s apprehension, could see the strain just this was having on his lover. “Take your time, Quatre, I’m not going anywhere.”
Taking a deep breath, Quatre spoke in a small shaking voice that attested to the horrors of his childhood, of this moment in his past that had haunted him since Trowa changed the security pass code on the door. “When-when I was younger, very young, probably about six or seven, my father found out that I’d…it was nothing really. I’d been-been with a friend of mine. I didn’t think much about it…then, but my father was outraged. He-he didn’t like my-that is he didn’t-“ Quatre’s hands were in his lap, and suddenly they twisted into tight fists, his knuckles turning white. “I can’t do this, Trowa! I won’t lie to you about this. This is crazy!!” He stood, walking to the window, anything to get away from him.
Trowa could hear his deep ragged breathing, could see it fog the pane of glass that separated his beloved from the freedom he now wanted. “Quatre?”
“I was twelve.” There was a cold detachment in his voice, like when he’d told his sisters his final say on the issue of the child. Trowa recognized it and sadness overcame him. Quatre may tell him his secret, but it was only because he felt trapped, his beloved felt trapped by him.
“Quatre, you don’t have to tell me.”
“I was twelve the night it happened.” His voice still deathly cold, detached, Trowa listened this time. “I’d gone to a party with a friend of mine, EnLoy. He was a boy I knew from school. He meant nothing to me except in friendship, and I meant nothing to him but the same. But I made a mistake, I took him to the Gala my father threw every year, it was a huge affair in the colonies. People from L1 to L5 would come, it was almost expected.
“That night when EnLoy and I arrived, I didn’t want him to get separated from me in the crowd. There were always so many people at my father’s parties, so many people pretending to care… I took EnLoy’s hand, it was the only way to keep him with me. He’d never been to a Gala before, his family was not socially elite enough to attend, but I’d wanted to bring him…he’d never seen an ice sculpture.” Images of he and Quatre sitting on the bed, while they talked about those famous ice sculptures came to his mind. It was the reason Quatre had taken him to the last party they’d attended. The reason society had learned of their relationship, after nearly three years.
But Quatre was continuing, “I knew I had to give a speech, and I didn’t want to leave him alone, he was so nervous at the party, not really sure how to act or who to talk too. So I took him on stage with me, to the podium, and began my speech on the theme of the ball, Love.
“I never saw it coming. Oh I knew I was different by then, knew that I craved the attention of a boy rather than a girl, but I hadn’t admitted it to myself, or to anyone else. But as soon as my speech was done, the security guards came over and escorted me out of the room. No one applauded after my speech.
“I was taken to my fathers office. I didn’t understand what was happening, I just assumed that he had needed to see me. At the door, EnLoy was told a car was waiting to take him home, and I was taken into the room.
“My father sat behind his desk, seething with rage. I’d seen that look before, been witness to the pain his fists and words caused when it was written across his face.” There was still not an ounce of emotion in his voice, not even a note that he recognized he was telling Trowa something he’d never told him before. Like he was speaking in a dream, to someone that didn’t care anyway. Trowa had never know that Quatre’s father had hit him, never known much about his father at all. It was too painful a subject to discuss, that was what Quatre had once said, and Trowa had incorrectly assumed it was because he had died during the war and Quatre had been unable to stop it. Now, Trowa wondered if that was true.
“He dismissed the guards, and strode over to me. The punch was square, and before I knew what was happening, I was on the ground, unable to breath. There were more punches, kicks, but I didn’t feel them, I was too worried about EnLoy getting home safely. Someone else’s safety, someone else’s happiness…if I could focus on someone long enough, I could escape my own pain, I could feel their joy, their peace. My…heart…allowed me that luxury.
“When he’d finished with me, he had the guards take me to a room in the upper floors, through a secret passageway, so the guest couldn’t see me. The room,” He looked around the room they were now in, “It wasn’t much bigger than this one. It was just a room, empty of everything, everything except a mirror. The mirror spanned the entire right wall, I can still see it clearly…” He trailed off for a moment, and Trowa could sense the pain coming back to his small lover.
“He…left me there for almost two weeks. I wasn’t allowed visitors, or any contact. I couldn’t do anything except sit and look at my reflection. There was no bed, no bathroom, and the smell of my own urine and feces permeated the room. There was no way out either, two guards were posted at the door at all times; they weren’t even allowed to talk to me.
“But everyday, at the same time, three-thirty, my father would come up the stairs into the room, and look at me. Usually he wouldn’t say anything, only stare at me, while I stared back, or begged him to let me out. He condemned me with his eyes, with his body language. But that wasn’t the worst, Trowa.” Finally, Quatre turned to look at him, regarded him for the first time, as if he’d just arrived to the conversation. “The looks I could stand, the occasional beatings he’d deliver, I could take, but it was his words that hurt the most. His words--my sisters words--repeated at me again and again and again…” Quatre trailed off, lost in an inner agony that trapped him behind old memories and present circumstances.
“Those words hurt the most Trowa, they’re the things I’ve tried to protect you from. A fist can deliver a crushing blow, shatter an arm, or even a leg, but that will eventually heal. But a word…I could never make them go away, they never disappeared or healed, they carry with them emotions that never leave you. I can deal with the pain Trowa, I can. I can take refuge in your peace, your happiness, it’s what I’ve been doing all these months. But now you’ve turned against me; now you think of me, and no longer feel the same. Pain is all you feel when you look at me, and now…now I have no where to go.”
His voice died out, and suddenly Trowa realized what had really been happening to his beloved Quatre. The young blond was an empath, able to sense emotions from the people around him. Trowa had always been told that his abilities were untrained, but it seemed Quatre was not so nieve. Throughout the ordeal with his sisters, Quatre had purposefully kept Trowa away, bearing the full force of the attacks. By keeping Trowa away, he kept his lover from knowing the pain, left a safe haven for himself to later go to, allowing his mind Trowa’s peace. His angel, was giving Trowa peace, so that he too could have that very same peace when he used his empathic abilities to comfort himself. It made sense, Quatre was protecting him, to keep him safe, that was true, but he was also doing it to keep himself sane. And Trowa’s growing apprehension about their relationship had undermined that peace, effectively trapping Quatre with no where to go to avoid the pain.
That was why Quatre had been angered, why he’d been so defeated the last months, and especially since his sister had caught him in the city. He had nowhere to hide from the pain. His only outlet had been Trowa’s own peace, his own protection, but now his little lover had nothing, nowhere to go. It wasn’t that Quatre couldn’t talk to Trowa-not that he could-but that if he did, he’d be destroying his only hope of emotional survival. And now Trowa himself was killing his beloved.
But Quatre continued, as if he’d never mentioned anything. “Eventually, as I said, two weeks later, my sisters managed to get me out of that room. In all that time I hadn’t eaten anything, and it took months for me to regain my strength. But that room, to be locked up so completely, with no means of escape from anything, my father, his fists, his words…or myself. I can still remember that mirror, it reflected my soul, and when my father would come, when he’d stare at me, I knew-I knew that my soul was dying, but what could I do? What could I do…”
Suddenly Quatre turned back to face Trowa, and flashed only a glimpse of the fear, before a bright smile plastered itself across his face. As credit to the lie, the smile was even in his eyes. “So you see Trowa, I would really like to get out of these rooms. They’re a bit stifling, if you catch my meaning. What say you to this, we go out and have dinner in the city, then we can come back? It won’t take that long, and I’ll finally get something besides cafeteria food in my stomach. What do you say?”
The smile looked so genuine, as if Quatre believed so whole heartedly in it. Trowa had never know that the face he loved, cherished, desired more than any other in the universe, was nothing more than a mask. A mask that his beloved could not remove, for if he did, there might not be anyone underneath.
Trowa stood and waked to Quatre, who’s smile seemed to waver just a bit. He lifted his hand and placed it along Quatre’s cheek, but the loving gesture elicited no response from Quatre, the young man didn’t even lean into the touch, only stood there, with the phony smile still belaying his inner pain.
“I didn’t know, Quatre. But I do now. I do now.” He paused, noticing that Quatre’s smile had completely disappeared, replaced with a look of almost fear. “I…I think we should stay on the compound tonight. But if it will make you happy, we could go to the mess hall together. But only if you promise not to leave my side while we’re out. Do you agree?”
Quatre’s smile had come back the moment Trowa had said they could leave, “Oh yes, Trowa, I agree. Maybe we could even take a walk outside in the gardens, it’s been a long time since we were there, and it always makes you happy when we go.” Not makes Quatre happy, makes him happy. Just how long had Quatre been feeling love through Trowa, how long had his little angel been dependent on him? How many times had he unwittingly hurt him? He didn’t even want to think about that trying period of time when the two had not been lovers, when Quatre had waited, how his caution, his fear must have killed his Quatre.
“Come then, we’ll pick up Heero and Duo on the way. I believe they wanted to have dinner with you when I let you out anyway.”
“Great, I’m positive we’ll have a wonderful dinner.” With that, Quatre walked to the door, and waited for Trowa-still lost in thought-to set him free.
* * *
“Trowa? Come in, we didn’t expect you.”
“Am I interrupting?”
“What? Oh no, Heero and I weren’t doing anything naughty, if that’s what you mean.” Duo wiggled his eyebrows. “Where’s Quatre? I thought he’d be with you?”
Trowa walked through the door and heard it swoosh shut behind him. “I gave him eighty CC’s of Tilessone when we got back to our rooms, he’s sleeping.”
“WHAT?! Eighty CC’s? That’s crazy, he’ll sleep for days!” Panic entered Duo’s eyes. He couldn’t believe that Trowa would do that to Quatre.
“Duo, come here and be quite. Trowa, what’s going on?” Heero sat on the couch that faced a huge entertainment center, a book of children’s poems resting in his lap.
“Duo, I’ll explain, can we just sit down for a moment?”
“Yeah, sure, I guess, but you’re spilling your guts, got it. I thought dinner went great. Quatre was laughing and joking-“
“That’s the problem.”
“Trowa, come sit down. Duo, get your ass over here.”
As Duo moved to the couch, Heero placed a reassuring arm about his shoulders, and drew his long hared lover closer to him. Trowa moved to the chair, and couldn’t help the flash of guilty jealousy that crossed his expression as he looked at the couple sitting across from him. He didn’t understand how Heero, the coldest and most ruthless of them all, could have changed so completely, and yet it was now he and Quatre-the two most likely to survive any crisis-who couldn’t even be in the same room without pain.
Trowa collected himself as he watched Duo snuggle closer to Heero, needing comfort from his words.
“Trowa,” Heero looked pointedly at him, “Duo’s right, Quatre seemed like his old self tonight. Why would you drug him?”
Shaking his head lightly, Trowa spoke, “That’s just it. Quatre acted as if there was nothing wrong, as if everything was fine.”
“Yeah, but I thought that was the point. You wanted him to open up to you, right? Well, obviously he did if you let him out before the Shrink got here. So I don’t understand the problem, wasn’t he suppose to go back to being himself?” Duo asked.
Heero looked silently at him for an explanation. “It’s true, Quatre did talk to me this evening, but not the way you think.”
“Well are you going to keep us in suspense or what!?”
“Duo, hush. Go on Trowa.”
He looked to Duo, “Did you know that Quatre’s father used to beat him, often?”
The young man that called himself death blanched and shook his head, “No. But Quatre never spoke of his father much. I just assumed it was because of the whole ZERO, thing.” There was a deep sadness in his tone. Trowa wasn’t the only one that only knew the mask that was Quatre.
“Quatre told me a story from his past. We never really talked about his life before the war. By the time we were together, it was too painful for him. But I never thought I didn’t know. I never realized that in all the time Quatre was getting me to open up, he wasn’t telling me anything about himself. I spent all dinner thinking about it, and really I don’t know very much about Quatre at all. It’s as if I know just enough to make me think I know him, but I really don’t…” His voice trailed off, a sense of foreboding entering his voice.
“Trowa, what did Quatre tell you?” Heero and Quatre had never really traded secrets before, but that didn’t mean that the little blond didn’t know almost everything about him. He was extremely startled to realized that he actually knew very little about the blond pilot of Sandrock.
“He said when he was younger he’d taken a friend-a boy from school-to a party his father was having. It was innocent enough, but the crowd didn’t think so, and neither did his father. He beat him, and had the guards take him to a room. The bastard kept him there for two weeks, no food, no water, no bathroom, nothing! His father would come up everyday, and ridicule him, and sometimes beat him. His sisters finally managed to get him out, but it took him months to recover.”
“He told you all of that?” Duo’s voice reflected the anger prevalent in the room. It was a good thing Mr. Winner was already dead.
“The way he said it…so cold, as if he was being forced, as if I were holding a gun to his head and making him tell me. I didn’t realized-because he’d never told me-that locking him up in our rooms was probably the worst thing I could have ever done. I didn’t know that he would associate me with his father.”
“You didn’t know. Just like you said, Quatre didn’t tell you, or anyone else. Is that why you let him out?” Heero was struggling with his own sense of justice.
“No, I let him out because he asked me too.” At their questioning looks he continued, “There’s more. Quatre mentioned using his empathic powers to link with his friend during the night of the party. Heero, how much do you know about Empathy in general?”
“A little, I needed to know so I could avoid scans. Why?”
“Quatre said that when his father was beating him, he linked with his friend from the party. He said that as long as his friend was safe, then he would be at peace.” He paused, “Then he said the same thing about me. His voice was cold, but he said that throughout the ordeal with his sisters, he’d been trying to keep their words away from me. He said the words hurt more than the fists. He told me he could take the pain; physical and emotional, as long as I wasn’t effected by it. He then said I betrayed him, that I started to doubt in our relationship, and that he could no longer take refuge in my peace, away from those same words that were killing him.
“Heero, can that be possible? Could Quatre have been protecting me from his sisters so that he could use me as a place to rest after their attacks? Was he using the safety of my love for him, my lack of pain from those hateful words and looks, to cleans his soul?”
There was fear in his voice, such abandoned fear, and Heero felt like taking his taller friend into his arms for safe keeping. “I don’t know Trowa. I suppose it’s possible. I’ve heard of experiments where they give empaths a pure partner, someone not affected by the experiment, have them link up, and then torture the empath. In those cases the empaths usually will flee to the mind of their link, taking refuge from the pain, and seeking comfort. Throughout the experiments and torture, the empaths will do everything in their power to keep their links from experiencing the torture, even killing each other to protect their links. It was decided that the links were being used by the empaths as a place to escape from the torture, and also as a place to ‘recharge’ their own emotional needs. But those were highly trained empaths, and I was under the impression that Quatre doesn’t have any formal training.”
Trowa nodded his head, “As far as I know he doesn’t either, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious that I don’t know as much as I thought I did about him. He could have had years of training, and I never bothered to ask; what’s more, what if he’s somehow managed to train himself over the years? That kind of constant pain would make anyone with Quatre’s abilities crazy with a need to escape. God Heero, what if he’s been living off my emotions from the beginning, since we got together. He’s always made sure that I was happy, no matter what it cost him, what if that’s because he’s been living through me, and if he has, my emotional disposition is so…cold sometimes, it must have been killing him. I must have been killing him.” Desperation and sheer agony laced his words.
“I don’t know, Trowa. It’s possible, but we won’t know unless we ask him. Or maybe the empath that Sally sent for can help.” Heero felt Duo shift in his arms, and released the unusually quiet man from his grasp.
Duo moved to the window, black with the blanket of night. “God, why didn’t he tell us?”
There was silence, then Heero answered, “Maybe he felt he couldn’t trust us.”
Duo spun around, anger flashing in his violet eyes, “Don’t give me that, Heero. Quatre and I have been friends, almost since the start of the war, for over four years! And what about Trowa, they’ve been together for three years, friends for almost five! Quatre loves him, he wouldn’t hold back, he wouldn’t!”
“But he has. He’s been holding back since the very beginning.” Trowa’s voice was low, nearly a whisper.
“But why Trowa? Why wouldn’t he come to you or me even? I don’t get it!”
“Stop and think about it.” Heero’s voice cut through the pain coming from his friend and lover, grabbing their attention and forcing them to listen. “This all started with his father. None of us have much experience with that, so how would we know what it means to be betrayed like that, by the person that’s suppose to love you unconditionally. Then there are his sisters. Trowa, you said that it was Quatre’s sisters that got him out of that room. He obviously trusted them, and now look at what they’ve done, completely turned their backs on him, condemning him just like his father did. All the people that have professed to love him, have turned their backs on him. It’s little wonder he trusted any part of himself with us at all, amazing that he even went to you, Trowa, and expressed his feelings to you. Then there are the things we don’t know about, like you said, it’s become clear that we don’t know all that much about Quatre, or his past. He’s been so good at hiding it all from us, we never noticed.”
Duo’s head hung low, shoulders slumped, “I should have noticed, he’s my best friend, and I didn’t even see how much he was hurting.” Heero stood and went to him, holding him close and brushing light kisses into his hair.
Trowa seemed to shake himself, before glancing at Heero and Duo, then he stood, “You have nothing to feel bad about Duo. I’m the one that professes my love to him every night, and yet I’m the one that had no idea until he fell apart.
“But this isn’t the end, I’m not letting him go. We’ll find a way out of this, I’ll find a way to bring him back. I swear it.” Then Trowa moved to the door and left, leaving an empty swooshing sound and two lovers to seek some measure of comfort from the horrors the world could produce.