A NEW LIFE

PART 3-2

After leaving Heero and Duo's room Trowa went to the garden to relax. There were so many times he'd gone there with Quatre, just to take in the beauty of the place. Quatre never grew tired to the different varieties of flowers that bloomed. 'I think it's because here, on Earth, all of the flowers grow because they want too; in the colonies, they grow because people make them.'

They could spend hours wandering the gardens, holding hands, and just
allowing the peace and harmony of the place to bring them closer together.  He didn't love the visual beauty of the place as much as he enjoyed the feelings that accompanied it, the feeling of being safe, with Quatre by his side.

For some reason he couldn't explain, as he walked in the gardens that night, the peace he usually felt was still there, even though Quatre was in their room, sleeping on the bed. He felt safe, like Quatre's presence was with him here, and the idea to bring his lover to this place as soon as he woke up, crossed his mind.

A sudden sound caught his attention then, and he turned to see Marieminna watching him from the side of a red rose bush. He thought then, just how much she resembled her father. "Trowa?"

He gave her a small nod, and a slight smile.

"Do you think Quatre will be able to come out and play later?" Since that terrible incident nearly three years ago, Marieminna had almost regressed to the childlike state she should have always been in. He thought a great deal of it had to do with Lady Une's constant supervision, and love. The ex-commander had adopted the little girl after the attack, and almost since that day she had become more like the child she was. It was hard to say how it happened, but it seemed that none of the pilots could stand to carry a grudge against the little girl. Even Heero and Wufei would occasionally spend time with her, but none more than Quatre.

Almost from the first day she'd arrived, Quatre had latched onto her and taken her under his wing. He treated her like a younger sister, and it was obvious the role reversal gave him a great measure of joy. His lover insisted on taking the little girl everywhere, and would often make special trips into the cities to acquire for her, some new trinket or other. Quatre was forever talking with her, or playing games that no respectable person would play, such as tea party, or horsy. But for Quatre, it was more than a game, so much more. It was his chance to be the older brother, his chance to enjoy the attention she showered upon him. Wufei often joked that he should watch out because Marieminna might replace him in Quatre's heart, especially if she got any cuter. Trowa would only smile and think how good a father Quatre would one day make.

But now, after the events that had come to the front, Trowa began to examine Quatre's relationship with Marieminna in a new light. It seemed to him that Quatre was probably capturing his lost childhood by making sure Marieminna had a wonderful one. Again Quatre was making others happy, so he could feel what it was like to be a child, and be happy. Trowa unconsciously shook his head.

"Trowa?"

"Hm? I'm sorry Marieminna, Quatre is not feeling well right now. Perhaps he'll be able to come out to play in a few days." He didn't want to lie to her, but it was too hard to explain to a little girl that her best friend was dying inside.

She seemed to roll the idea around in her head for a while, being extra
quiet, and just looking at him. Her eyes, they always seemed to look
directly into his soul. "Lady Une says that Quatre's heart is sick, is that what's wrong with him?"

"Yes, and he needs some extra special care. That's why he can't come out and play right now, he has to rest to get better."

She shook her head in understanding, "After my Mommy died, I got sick in the heart too. I had to stay inside for a really long time, but I got really bored. Maybe Quatre will get bored too. If he does, do you think I could visit him, I'd be really quiet, and wouldn't make him play horsy or anything. Maybe I'd even make the tea this time!" So much like a child, and yet so aware of too much. She was an enigma of innocence and ruthlessness.

"Perhaps. But I think for right now, we should let Quatre just sleep, don't you agree?"

"Ummh, but then, maybe later." She dropped the end of the sentence and
turned pleading eyes on him. He gave her a smile.

"Maybe later."

"Alright. I think I'll make him a card. Lady Une said that when I get sad I should make a card. Well, I'm sad that Quatre isn't able to come out to play, and I'm sad that he's not feeling well, that sounds like an occasion to make a card, doesn't it?"

"I think he'd enjoy a card very much."

She nodded her head, and then got very quiet. "Trowa?"

"Yes."

"Is Quatre sick because of those mean women that are always coming and
making him sad? Lady Une said they were his sisters, but I don't think
sisters are suppose to make you all-all zombie like when they leave. Isn't that right?"

Her intelligence was masked by her age. She knew the world, understood the basics of it's concepts. But mostly she knew Quatre, he was after all, her very bestest best friend. Trowa moved to kneel in front of the little girl.  "In part, but Quatre's heart has been sick for awhile, and we didn't know.  Now Sally is having someone come to talk to Quatre, just like you had all those counselors talk to you, and even Heero too." She nodded, "Well, Quatre will also be talking to someone. We hope it will make him feel better, but it's very important that we tell him how much we love him all the time from now on. So the idea you had for a card, that would be a very good idea."

She smiled at the praise, "I'll start working on it right away. It's late, and I better get back before Lady Une gets worried." Then she got a very excited look on her face, the kind all little girls with secrets should have. "Trowa, if I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell Quatre, I want to be the one to tell him?" He nodded his head.

In a quiet whisper, that was really nothing more than a stage whisper she said, "I've been talking with the counselors about something Quatre told me, and I decided to do it!" Excitement seemed to permeate her entire body, and she nearly shook with it. "I wanted to tell Quatre first, but I just can't keep it in! I'm going to ask Lady Une tomorrow, after breakfast, 'cause we always eat breakfast together, if she'll let me call her Mom. Quatre and I talked it out, and decided that since I always called my first Mommy 'Mommy', that it would be ok if I called Lady Une, my new Mommy, Mom. That way it'd be different, but the same. I'm so excited, and I can't wait! I think Lady Une will be really happy too, don't you?"

The smile that spread across Trowa's face could not have been interpreted any other way. Lady Une had struggled with her feelings for the small girl before him, and he could understand why. But he had no doubt that this new revelation in their relationship would have a very mothering effect on the woman they'd come to see as their boss, and in some ways friend. "I think she'll be very, very happy, Marieminna."

"Yeah. Ok, remember not to tell Quatre. I'll tell him when I come to
visit. By then I'll have probably started calling her Mom, but it'll still be a surprise to Quatre. He'll be so excited!" And with that she gave him a huge smile, a quick hug, and was off in the direction of the entrance doors. Trowa couldn't help but hope that if Quatre really needed to experience emotion from another right now, that he'd use the little girl who was about to finally get her childhood back.

He'd gone back to the room then, falling asleep beside Quatre, holding his lover close. He thought on the idea again, and decided that when Quatre was well, they could perhaps discuss adopting a child. His lover would make such a wonderful father.


* * *


The next day was spent in silence, as Quatre slept on, and Trowa did
something he swore he'd never do, he read Quatre's journals.

They were bound in leather, the beadwork in intricate designs were an
obvious Arabian pattern. Trowa had been surprised when he'd learned that Quatre hand wrote in his journals. 'I guess I just like the feel of a pen in my fingers. It makes my heart feel free to speak.'

He'd told him once that he'd taken the journals with him wherever he went, and that they were one of his biggest liabilities. Trowa could understand why, since fourteen large volume books sat neatly arranged on a shelf by the bed, each representing a single year in Quatre's life. The early ones were childish in design, toy trucks raced across the cover, and most of the entries were written in either crayon, or marker. The first one was from 187 A.C. Quatre was only seven. He was a little surprised a seven-year-old would keep a journal, but he read it anyway. Guilt suffused him, but he felt it for the best, and so continued.

The journals changed in content along with appearance. The first ones were filled with childish words, and dreams. 'I want to be just like Father. He is very good. I will be a great boss some day. Father will like that.' The later volumes took on a more formal look, and by 190 A.C. they were black leather bound books with no design. Their message spoke of the beginning of terror.

'Father doesn't seem happy with me right now. I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. He's always looking at me, like he expects me to do something. I'm not sure what's going on.'


'Olanna, told me today that father doesn't want me spending time with Aladar anymore. I'm not sure why. He's my best friend. But Olanna said that Father forbid it. Now I don't know what to do.'


'I feel a very strange feeling when I go to Father's study now. I don't
know how to describe it. When I'm in the room alone with him, he is very different then with the others. I don't like this very much.'

192 A.C. was encased in leather like the rest, but for the first time there was a lock on it. Trowa picked the lock and opened it. The margins were covered in small poems and angry drawings. Some pages were torn into small pieces, taped back together, and inserted where they belonged. The appearance of the journal was a testament to the writing inside.

'I'm not sure what's wrong with me! Things are so crazy right now! I know it isn't right, all of the Books say it's against natural law, but I can't seem to help it. Why is this happening to me?'


'I told Father I was going to Draevans house to spend the night. He
refused. The beating wasn't so bad this time.'


'My sisters are looking at me strangely now. I made the mistake of saying that Cijen's new boyfriend was nice looking. I was only agreeing with Seeafe, but it didn't matter. I can feel them; there's a measure of disgust when they think of me. Why am I doing this to them?!'

And finally the day before the two-week skip, the only time period absent in the little journal.

'The party is going to be great this year. I haven't told anyone about
EnLoy coming, I don't want to upset them. He's so excited, he can't wait to see the ice sculptures I promised would be there. He's such a good friend.  I'm beginning to think I might be cured of this 'feeling' I have for other boys. I don't have those feelings at all for EnLoy. He's just my friend.  I'm so excited to show him the ice sculptures.'

After the gap:

'It almost doesn't seem real to be out of that room. I'm so tired I can
barely hold the pen, but I needed to write this all down. My sisters keep telling me to stop writing, that I'll injure my wrist further, but I have to write, it's the only thing keeping me sane.

'I can't forget the sound of Cijen outside my door, screaming at the guards.  I can still see her face as she leaned over me. She asked if I could hear her, asked if I could stand. There were tears running down her face, such pain, she was in so much pain. She kept calling me 'Little Brother' telling me she loved me and that she'd take care of me. She didn't mention Father.  I don't really care.

'Now I'm lying in her room, in her bed, and she's still yelling at me kindly to put the pen down and let the medicine put me to sleep. I am tired, but I 'm afraid to sleep. Afraid I wont' be able to touch Cijen's mind while I sleep. I need her happiness, even if it's tainted with worry for me, she loves me, that's what matters.'

Trowa set the journal aside, Cijen had been the one to save Quatre. God what an act of betrayal to then later turn her back on him. She now led the group against him, against her own brother. Trowa had heard her call Quatre 'Little Brother' on more than one occasion. What was once a term of endearment was now a slanderous remark. Poor Quatre, his poor Quatre.

The next pages were hazy, attesting to the pain medication he must have been on.

'Cijen's still here. She's taking care of me. I miss her when she's gone.'

'Pain isn't so bad, Cijen's happy. She keeps telling me not to worry, Father's not coming.'

'Nightmares are getting worse. Cijen's complaining about a headache. I have to be more careful. Might hurt her.'

'Father went to Earth. I hope he dies there.'

The last was nothing like Quatre. Trowa had to read the page a few times to make sure he'd read it right. There was no doubt in his mind that had he been in Quatre's shoes, he would have wished the same thing, had on more than one occasion; but for his beloved to say it, to put it into writing.  The pain must have been unbearable. The next entry proved him right.

'It's been a week, and I'm starting to feel much better. I still can't walk on my own, and poor Cijen is still having to stay with me all the time. She say's it fine, and that she enjoys my company. One of the doctors came in today, and accidentally left my chart where I could reach it when he took Cijen out into the hallway. I read it. Wow, I didn't realize I was such a mess! Two broken legs, one broken arm, one sprained wrist-which I can feel even as I write this-four broken ribs, four cracked ribs, three broken fingers-thankfully on my left hand-and you'll never believe, two broken toes, I don't know how those got there.

'Cijen hasn't let me see a mirror, and quite frankly, I don't want to see one right now. But the file says my face is a mess, both of my eyes are black and blue, broken lip, and even a cracked cheekbone. There are bruises all up and down my body, but I guess that's to be expected. There's a note in there that says I may want to consider plastic surgery for my face later.  I hope it isn't that bad.

'It's still ok though. Cijen's still happy, and she's not in any pain. It doesn't hurt so bad, the morphine helps.'

Trowa set the journal down. Tears escaped his eyes. He couldn't imagine
being so 'up' about his life after what Quatre must have been though. His beloved's pain must have been unbearable, yet he still remained the cheery boy Trowa had always known him to be. The pain was physical, with the emotional pain so obviously being comforted by Quatre linking with Cijen.  Trowa wondered if the woman even knew she'd been the one that held Quatre together. He doubted it.

Standing, Trowa took the remaining journals and moved them to the bedside table. Then he settled into the bed, and drew Quatre close to him, feeling the comforting weight of his lovers' small body against him. For a long moment he ran his fingers through the unruly mass of blond hair and cried silent tears for the pain his love had been though, pain he hadn't felt he could share with him. "I love you, Quatre."

Reaching his hand over, he picked up the next volume and continued to read, still softly caressing the silky stands below his fingers.

193 A.C. harroled the first meeting with the Maganac's, and with it a new sense of pride for Quatre.

'They were so proud of themselves. I felt so beneath them, like it was my duty to protect them. They are men so much better than I am. They have hopes, dreams, they have plans for the future, and they're not about to simply wait for life to come to them. Emotionally, they run the gambit, from inner strength, to fear and betrayal, I feel like I can identify with all of them, like they could each teach me something I haven't known in my life. Rashid, the captain, is strong and fierce, but also gentle and warm.  In only one short day, he has taught me so much, and accepted me for who I am, not how I feel or think on an issue. I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different had this man been my father.'

The next account of the Maganacs came a few months later. In the months
between, Quatre seemed to find a sense of worth in his life, and he began to question and defy his fathers words against him.

'Rashid asked me to come, and so here I am. He tells me it's nothing like their home on the Earth, and I can't wait to see it. There was a party when I got here, and people made me feel so welcome, I'd almost forgot what it felt like to be welcomed to a party instead of shunned.

'But still, I have to explain something or else I may forget the wonder that accompanied my discovery. There are many women here, and all are very beautiful indeed. They all possess longish black or dark hair, and wear very revealing clothing. I have to laugh because I still wonder how cold they must get. Yet that isn't the amazing part. As Rashid walked me around and introduce me to the others I hadn't met in the battle, there were literally dozens of men obviously with other men! Some sat holding hands, while others were engaged in passionate kisses that Rashid had to clear his throat to interrupt. I'm sure I must have stood with my mouth hanging open the whole time.

'Rashid noticed my shock and told me that because they often fought away from their real homes, a lot of the men had taken lovers. He said that in his culture it was not uncommon for warriors to do such things. I shyly asked if these men preferred each others company over that of a woman, and he laughed heartily. His emotions told me he wasn't making fun of me. He said that some did, and while society on Earth frowned on this type of coupling, his people found little cause to worry as long as their numbers stayed strong.

'I must have let something show on my face because he questioned me about it. I'm still not sure why I said anything, but it seemed to slip past my lips before I had a chance to catch it. Even now my words startle me, 'I wish all people were as accepting as you.' It must have been in the way I said it, because it was like he instantly understood that I was speaking from my own heart. He smiled at me, and then good-naturedly said that he would not introduce me to the women back on Earth who had thought my description attractive. My blush could have caused the skies to turn red.

'He put an arm around my shoulder and I could feel that he understood me, and more importantly accepted me. I don't think I've ever felt this sense of peace that I do now. It's like finally someone understands me. Rashid led me to one of the fires, and I spent the rest of the night in the company of men I was beginning to see were not only like me, but kindred spirits.'

There were many visits to the Maganacs and Quatre seemed to grow more
confident and happy with himself after every one. He seemed more like the Quatre that Trowa had met the first time, and it pleased him to know that it was Rashid and the other Maganacs that had helped his beloved. The following journal talked of his time with them, and the training he was undergoing in secret.

'I love my father. Why, I'm not sure, but I do. It pains me to know that I go against him on this. But I cannot allow the colonies to suffer any more.  The Maganacs have taught me much, and now I see the suffering that I was so blindly pampered to ignore. I have to do this, continue with my Gundam training. Prof. G has been showing me some of the new techniques. I will not fail the colonies.'

'Father found a way to reach me here. He demanded that I return right away.  I refused, and that angered him, but for some reason, I just didn't care. I 've thought long and hard about it, and have decided why I'm fighting. This may sound weird, and on paper it looks very strange, but I'm doing this-preparing to start a war with Earth-to protect my sisters. They've always been so strong for me, especially Cijen, and I need to make sure that they have a home in the future. I still can't explain it, but it's just this feeling I have, and I trust my feelings. I'll fight for my sisters, for their freedom, and for the freedom of all the people of the colonies, I have to, I just have to.'

'Rashid had me sit with a shaman today. The shaman wanted to know more
about my empathic abilities. I guess they've never encountered anyone with abilities as strong as mine. I tried my best to explain what it was like, and throughout it all, the old man just sat and listened to me. Finally, when I could explain no more he wanted me to try to attempt something.

'I have always been open about my abilities, trying to expand them without others knowing, but I was a little startled when he told me what he wanted me to do. He asked that I allow the emotions of the entire colonies to wash over me; he wanted me to experience as much of them as I could.

'At first I couldn't do it, and I thought perhaps it wasn't within my power, but then I felt Rashid's hand on my own, 'Don't be afraid, Master Quatre.'  That was all he said, I swear it, and it was like a dam broke inside me. I won't lie, the experience has probably been one of the most painful in my life. I was completely surrounded by other emotions, and it felt like I was trapped in my own at the same time. I've never felt such raw pain as I did in the emotions I felt coming from the colonies. If I wasn't willing to fight for their freedom before, there will be nothing stopping me now.

'Their pain is so raw, so fresh, I could feel children crying, and sense mothers weeping for things their children would never have. So many of the emotions were for the children, the next generation, the future. I have to protect them, no matter what the cost.

'I must have passed out, because when I woke up, I was laying on the
sleeping mats, tucked into Rashid. Later he told me the experience had been too much, and I'd screamed a terrifying cry about children, before I passed out. He'd thought I'd be frightened to wake up in my tent alone, so he'd taken me to his.

'This may sound strange, but in his arms, I felt such safety. There was no sense of desire or anything else like that, in fact, I've almost adopted Rashid as a father. Instead it felt like how my father use to hold me before he began to think of me as disgusting.

'Comfort, it's been a long time since anyone's given me that. I think I
miss it.'

Trowa couldn't help it, he tightened his hold on the young man in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on his back. He knew Quatre was still asleep, but that didn't mean that if he was linked to him right now, Quatre wouldn't be able to sense his love for him. Trowa continued onto the next journal.

'I can't believe how excited I feel! It's like a whole new world has opened up for me! Maybe I should explain. There I go again, I can't stop smiling, or giggling. I'm worse than a girl! He's a new recruit to the Maganacs, and his name is Koeran. To put it lightly, he's beautiful. He has shoulder length brown hair, and he's tall, much taller than I am; I have to look very high up just to talk to him. He's very well built, and muscular, and I look very weak next to him. I guess it must be comical to see us together, I must look like such a girl with my delicate features. Oh no, I'm doing it again, this smile just doesn't seem to want to go away.  AHHHHHHH!!!'

Trowa smiled at the twinge of jealousy that touched his heart. He couldn't help the feeling, or the smile, it was nice to read that his beloved had found someone to care for, even if it wasn't him. But there was no doubt in his mind that he was glad Quatre was laying in bed beside him.

'I'm in a panic!!! A complete and total panic! Koeran and I were walking from my Gundam and his mobile suit back to the camp, when he suddenly leaned down and kissed me!!! I mean it, he kissed me!!! I was so happy, and so was he, I could feel his happiness when I didn't push him away. We both giggled, and it was so strange to seem him-this very tough looking boy giggling. We detoured from the camp, and went to sit by a stream. We just talked then, and he held my hand. I was so excited, I was shaking, and we both laughed at that. He told me that he'd been watching me for a while, but that it had taken Rashid to finally let him know that I was interested in him. I can't believe Rashid would say that, but I'm so glad he did.

'When if finally got too dark, to see each other clearly, we walked back to camp, got our dinners, and went to my tent. You should have seen the knowing looks on everyone's faces when we walked into camp. Abdule even gave me the thumbs up sign, I know I blushed bright red then. When we got to my tent, we probably talked half the night away. Then when it was time for him to leave, I must have been feeling very brave, because I leaned over, and kissed him!! I know, I can hardly believe it myself. It was very sweet, soft, and I remember thinking that it was all worth it. Now that I've written all of this, I can't wait for tomorrow. I think I'll kiss him again. Koeran.'

Almost a year went by, the two of them training, and becoming closer.
Koeran was a mechanic, and taught Quatre quite a bit about fixing his own Gundam. In return, there were numerous mentions of Quatre showing the boy new songs on the violin. It seemed Quatre enjoyed teaching the other, because of the 'close quality time.' But then, the part Trowa both knew about and felt some measure of panic about happened, recorded in the pages of fourteen year old Quatres' bead covered journal.

'It's true what they say, you do feel different. I feel like I'm glowing, and that even the people on Earth must be able to see my happiness. Koeran and I didn't plan anything, and now thinking back on it, I'm happy we didn't. We were in my tent again, his being too crowed with is other roommates.  We'd had a great dinner, which he'd prepared saying I couldn't cook to save my life. 'Quatre, if I let you cook anything, you'd burn yourself, and then I'd be beside myself with anger at letting you get hurt.' He's always saying things like that, but for some reason it had a different tone on it, a different emotion attached to it. I couldn't quite place it, but I was curious none the less.

'After dinner, we sat by the small fire, and for some strange reason, we started talking about my father. I don't know how it happened, since I've avoided the topic. But he somehow managed to get me talking on it. I told him everything. At first I was hesitant to talk about it. I didn't know how he'd react. But besides the hostile look in his eye, and the anger rolling off of him in waves, he did little else but hold me and let me speak. I didn't cry until the end, and when I did, he rocked me a little and spoke to me softly. 'Quatre, he was wrong. This beautiful thing between us, it cannot be bad. I feel such love for you, and you feel the same for me. How could this wonderful feeling be bad?' I didn't have an answer. 'It isn't bad, Quatre. Your father was very wrong, evil even, to do and say those things to you. You mustn't let his words dictate to you.  You must always follow your heart, Quatre. It will never lead you astray.'

'He kissed me then, and what started out as comforting touches, became
something more. It was as if we both needed to banish my fathers' words and ideas from me. I feel strange writing this down, because I know I'll never forget it, for as long as I live. But I want to put something on paper, written proof that as far as I am concerned I am now a man. I have to laugh at that last statement, I sound like a warrior finishing his first kill, and in reality I am starting a new life.

'I suppose the correct term is that he took me. I think it would have been strange if it had been the other way around. He was very gentle, but the pain was still very much there. Thankfully I could use my empathy to tap into his emotions. That made it less painful, and far more enjoyable. I'd already known that Koeran had had another lover in the past, he is older than I am by a good four years, so I was not surprised when he was the one to take me.

'The feeling was incredible, to feel so complete, and to know he felt the same way. I can hardly describe it now, hours later. He was as I said, gentle, and he made sure to.  I guess you could say take care of my needs as well. I never imagined it could feel as wonderful as it did. His mouth.

'I have to laugh at myself, because I've now turned to look around my empty tent to make sure no one is reading over my shoulder. Suffice it to say, it is an experience I will never forget, and most assuredly hope to enjoy with Koeran again.'

Trowa looked down at the sleeping boy. Quatre had never lied about being with another before him, but it was hard none the less to see it in writing and know how he'd felt with his first lover. But Quatre had never acted as if Trowa was a close second, and he'd never felt that way. He knew that Quatre loved him, even now when he was so hurt, Trowa knew that Quatre would do anything to protect him. He smiled, then, realizing that no one would replace him in Quatre's heart, just as he himself had never replaced Koeran.  They were different, and Quatre loved them both in very different ways. He was thankful that this young man had been able to comfort his Quatre, and show him the love he'd so desperately needed.

But as he continued on with the journal, he was unprepared for what happened only a few short months later.

'He's dead. I don't know how else to say it. I can't even seem to feel
anything. There was an attack on the satellite, a raid to kill the
Maganacs. Koeran went out to fight, my Gundam wasn't ready yet, so I was told to say behind. He died out there, in space, alone. He died, and because I didn't fight.  It's all my fault.  He died because of me.'

'The Maganacs have searched the surrounding space. None can find Koeran's mobile suit, or his body. Tonight he is to be given a warrior's burial.  Because I was closest to him, I am to light the bonfire. I'm not sure I can do it.'

'I feel dead inside. Like I died with Koeran. I don't think there's a
better way to describe it. He's been gone for two months now, and yet, I cannot seem to find my way back to life. He would be angry with me for morning him so long. He'd tell me to stand tall and proud, and to go chase something in a pair of pants. That's what he'd tell me. But I sit in my tent, waiting for the signal Professor G will give that it's time. The war is about to start, and I find myself hoping to die in the first battle.  Koeran would again be angry at my thoughts, but I don't know how else to be. I can't feel anything anymore.'

The next volume started out much the same. Quatre had lost that will to
live, yet he constantly talked about wanting to make sure others survived.

'The Maganacs chided me today at my compassion. They see letting others
surrender as a sign of weakness. I see it as making sure no one else has to lose those they love. I can't imagine the pain my family will go through when the message arrives that I have perished in this war. I only hope they can be strong together. I miss my sisters so much.'

But in one moment, one day in the life that was Quatre. His entire outlook changed. Everything about the entry spoke of hope, and happiness. It spoke of promise and a reason to live. It was the first entry that had Trowa's name.

'I can hardly remember the battle. It seems so pointless after what I've found. I can feel my cheeks getting red, and I know that just thinking about him has made me blush.

'After the attack seemed to be over, one mobile suit remained. I'd sensed earlier, that the pilots of these suits didn't know who each other were, and neither did this pilot. He tried to attack me, well actually he did, but I managed to block the attack. I called to him over the com unit that we weren't enemies, and were fighting on the same side, the side of the colonies. It took him a moment, but then he finally stopped his attack.  The next moment totally changed my life.

'I saw his Gundam's hatch open, and he stepped out, his arms raised about his head. Even now, I can't describe the beauty that is this boy. He's very tall, almost as tall as Koeran, with short hair, except for bangs that seem to always fall directly into his face, blocking half of it from view.  He wore a black turtle neck sweater, and a pair of very tight jeans. He's skinny, almost too skinny, now that I think on it, I should probably make him eat something, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

'He was so beautiful, it took me an entire minute of staring at him before I got enough sense together to come out of Sandrock. When I saw him in person, and not through Sandrocks vid-cam, I nearly passed out! He's just so amazingly handsome, I didn't think boys could look like him.

'After what seemed like forever, I finally spoke to him. I told him to put his hands down, that I'd been the one to surrender first. Then I introduced myself, and he did the same. His name is Trowa Barton. I know I must have it bad, because even his name sounds very sexy.

'I have to laugh now, but at the time I could barely breath. I managed to tell him who I was fighting for, and that seemed to appease him enough to semi relax. But it seems that Trowa is always on edge. I mentioned that we were going back to the Maganacs base, and that I thought it would be a good idea if he accompanied me. I promise that I was really only thinking that it would be good to trade ideas with him. Well, I also wanted to get to know him a little better, but that was only a side note.

'Finally he agreed, and returned with us. He's now resting in one of Rashid 's rooms. I know that Rashid noticed the way I was looking at him because he mentioned that I had an extra room in my quarters, but I managed to dissuade that idea. I don't think I'd be getting any sleep if I knew that boy was right next door. Not that I'm planning on sleeping tonight.

'I know that I should feel a little guilty about my feelings for this new boy, whom I barely know, and who hardly speaks; but I can't see Koeran beingupset about it. He's probably looking down on me and saying 'Finally.'

'I'm not sure what it is about Trowa, but I feel so drawn to him. I hope I have the chance to get to know him better.'

Trowa once again looked at Quatre, and leaned down to place a light kiss on his forehead. "I thought you were beautiful too, Quatre. I still do."


*********


Trowa once again looked at Quatre, and leaned down to place a light kiss on his forehead. "I thought you were beautiful too, Quatre. I still do."

He moved through the first part of the journal quickly. Quatre seemed very much like the person he knew. He spoke of trying to protect his enemies, comforting his friends, and even talking with his sisters once or twice.  And every now and again Quatre would mention his name, not so much in passing, but in desire.

'I was so excited, I saw a news broadcast today, and the Heavyarms was
sitting right there in the city central. I couldn't see Trowa, but I did get to see the Heavyarms fight, and I knew Trowa was the pilot. It's been hard not seeing him. I hope he's doing well.'

'I've been thinking about Trowa again. He popped into my head when I was listening to some classical music. His ability to play the flute still amazes me. I miss being able to play with him. I wonder if he even thinks about me?'

'I must be crazy! It's been months, and I haven't seen Trowa in all that time, but still I think about him, wonder if he's safe. Rashid asked me today what was wrong, and I told him. He seemed to understand. Actually he wanted to know if I wanted him to go looking for Trowa. I blushed bright red, and said no. He seemed almost disappointed that he couldn't go looking for him. I think Rashid liked Trowa a lot. Trowa, wherever you are, I hope your safe.'

The next entry disturbed Trowa greatly. He shifted on the bed, settling
Quatre into an even more intimate closeness to him.

'I chose by land. It was the wrong choice. The cargo was actually going by air, but it turned out that 01, or Heero, and Trowa intercepted the air cargo.  Duo and myself attacked the ground. Duo has been working with Heero for quite a while, and it seems he's kind of reckless. But that doesn't even begin to explain the disaster that happened today.

'One of the OZ officials pointed the missile satellites at the colonies.  They were going to blow them up, if we didn't surrender. Then this guy, Dr. J told OZ that he was the one sending the Gundams on missions. I've never seen him before, so I reasoned that he must have been sending them to one of the other pilots; Professor H is still sending me mine.

'But Dr. J said that he wouldn't surrender the Gundams. That made the OZ official mad, and she targeted the colonies again. But something happened.  Heero, the pilot of Wing, got out of his Gundam, and self detonated.

'I don't know what happened next. Suddenly, I felt this intense pain. It started in my heart, and radiated throughout my entire body. I've never felt such pain before, not since I merged with the entire colonies. I could sense the words of three different people, but I couldn't make out what they said. All I know is that they were stunned, shaken to the core that Heero would do such a thing, simply to protect the colonies.

'I was in so much pain though, I couldn't seem to find a way out. I kept looking for a way to stop it, but there wasn't any. Then I caught a com-signal. It said, 'Hey, hey you!' Immediately I knew it was Trowa! He told us to get out, that we couldn't fight anymore. I agreed, we couldn't fight without harming the colonies, and since they are the reason we fight, we couldn't anymore.

'Duo and I retreated, and I could sense Trowa's worry about Heero. I don't know how, but it's like his emotions have merged with mine. Ever since that blinding pain, I've been able to feel him. It's very strange, and I know he's a very long way away, but I can still sense that even now, he's worried and upset about something. It's probably the colonies, or even Heero's death. Duo is beside himself. After we reached the base, he went to the rooms he was given and hasn't come out since. I can feel his pain even from here. He's felt something for Heero, that much I can tell. He's taking his death very hard.

'I don't know what I'm going to do about this thing I have with Trowa, but right now, I'm just going to be grateful that he's alive, and isn't hurt. I don't know if I could handle that too.'

There were many entries centered around Duo, and some around the time he spent alone, away from the Maganacs.

'I've noticed a strange look in Duo's eyes today. He was watching me read a book by the window, when I sensed his presence. I looked up, and he blushed before cracking a joke and leaving. I can't help but think that he was looking at me in appreciation. I think, well maybe I'm wrong, but I think he might like me. And actually he might think I'm cute, at least that's what I think. I'm probably totally wrong, but his emotions-which I've tried very hard not to read-seem to be a sense of, well, he might have a crush on me. I 'm not sure. He's cute, I love his hair, but I can't help but think he's not someone else. He's not Trowa.'

'I couldn't endanger their lives anymore. I've left the Maganacs, and am now on my own. I hope Rashid understands. He's going to be so angry with me. I wish there was another way, but they've all become like family to me, and I will not endanger their lives further. They're safe where they are now, hopefully, they'll stay there. I miss them very much.'

Trowa continued to read, but a skip in the dates caused him to read the next section carefully. He was surprised by what he read.

'I woke up in a hospital today. I asked the blond hared doctor if she could arrange for a shuttle for me. At first she seemed against the idea, but then she promised she would if I stayed and got some rest. I'm following her orders. I'm so tired.'

'You'll never believe what happened to me today! I got on the shuttle back to L4 and the doctor was there. She said she wasn't about to leave me in my condition, so she was accompanying me. When we got to my home, I met with Father. He was less than happy to see me, and we fought. But here's the amazing part, the doctor that has been taking care of me for the last week, is none other than my sister Iria! I haven't seen her since I was a baby, and I didn't recognize her from her pictures in the study. It has been some time since I've been home to see those pictures.'

Then another skip, and Trowa knew what was coming. He braced himself for the next entry.

'Father's dead. Finally that bastard is dead! I feel so alive, like I'm
finally free. It's so exhilarating to know that he can't tell me what to do, or who I am, or even who I should fuck. I think I'll go to town after this, I have a ton of energy. I think most people were surprised when I didn't attend the funeral. What's the point, he hated me until the end, telling me not to fight, telling me again what to do. It's a good thing he's dead. Bastard.

'You'll be happy to know that I've started working on the new Gundam. I
want off this colony, now! My sisters' tears are driving me crazy. The new system I'm installing should be perfect. I can't wait to try it out. With the ZERO on board, the new Gundam should have a hundred times the abilities of Sandrock. I'll show the colonies. They think they can let us die for them, and then condemn us. HA! I'll teach them, all of them. They don't want war, but they want peace. I'll show them what peace costs, I'll teach them what the price is for life! I think I'll start with my home colony,those bastards and hypocrites! They deserve to die anyway. I'll show them what war is really about!'

Trowa was surprised by the lack of care for his father. It was as if he
hadn't cared at all that his father had just died. It concerned him that Quatre was hiding from himself, even while writing the journals. The other thing was Quatre's language. Trowa had known that Quatre had gone completely insane after his fathers death. But he hadn't expected this. It pained him to read Quatre's words of hate and destruction.

For a month, Quatre plotted how best to destroy the colonies. He worked
strategy after strategy out, in both his journals and other pieces of paper, which he stuck in. There was no room for error, Quatre was planning on destroying all the colonies and beginning a war to end all wars. There seemed to be little sanity in him, as his writings became more and more broken, as if he himself were falling apart.

Then once again, his name appeared.

'I was thinking today about Trowa. About how he'd feel knowing what I was planning to do. He's always seemed so calm to me, so gentle. I can't be certain that he'd like the idea of me destroying the colonies. But I've been sensing his emotions again. He's in outer space. He doesn't seem happy with whatever he's doing. I hope he stays away from the colonies, I wouldn't want him to get hurt. I wonder if he'll forgive me when this is all over? I hope so.'

Again a gap appeared, and Trowa realized that this was the time that Quatre and Heero had been together, after the colony incident. There were nearly three weeks missing from the journal, and Trowa was a bit worried. The next entry began the first day Quatre and Heero had entered the Sanq kingdom.

'There's such peace here, and I know I don't deserve it. Heero isn't too happy about being here. I think perhaps that Ms. Relena is getting on his nerves. I hadn't realized that I'd been neglecting this journal for so long. I guess I just didn't have anything to say.

'I feel like writing about Trowa or even the colony, but I can't. I try, and the tears well up in my eyes, and it's like I can't breath. My hands are shaking even now, and all I've written is his name. It's like Koeran all over again, only this time I really did kill Trowa. I killed him. I did. It's funny, thousands of people died in the colony I destroyed, but all I can think about is Trowa. I can't feel him anymore. I'm not sure why I'm fighting. It may be time to give up.'

Trowa set the book down and snuggled against Quatre. He still had
nightmares about his time in space, drifting, with no where to go but inside himself. It had been Quatre's voice that had eventually brought him back. He'd been thinking of Quatre when the Sweepers had picked him up. He remembered how surprised he'd been when he'd finally looked in a mirror and realized he didn't have short blond hair. Even then, when he hadn't seen Quatre in nearly a year, all he could think about was his angel.

When he'd run into Catherine, on the colony, he'd thought perhaps she could lead him to the blond hared boy that haunted his dreams. But she'd quickly realized that Quatre was another pilot and had forbidden him to speak about the blond. At the time he'd been so lost, so frightened, that he'd simply gone along with what she'd said, thinking she had to be right. Why else hadn't his angel found him yet? He didn't realized at the time, that Quatre had been doing just that, searching with all his strength, to find him.

He picked up the journal again, opening back up to the pages that spoke of Quatre's search.

'I feel as if I've been everywhere, but obviously I haven't been since I can't find Trowa. I don't know how to explain this feeling I have, but I know, absolutely, and without a shadow of a doubt, that Trowa is alive! I can feel him, but for some reason, all I can sense about his presence is that he's in outer space. I tried to reach out for him, to let him know that I was coming for him, but I can't tell if he received me. I wish I could tell him not to worry, that I am coming. I hope he knows, that he realizes that I'm never going to lose him again.'

'It's been two weeks, and I still haven't found even a sign that Trowa was at any of the places I've looked. I've hired people all over the colonies to search for him, but still there haven't been any leads. Trowa, where are you?'

'FINALLY!!! I finished a meeting with the directors, and you'll never guess who was there, just sitting in the chair. Duo! We hugged, and talked for quite some time. I told him that I'd been with Heero, and you should have seen the look in his eyes, he's got it almost as bad as I do. I wonder if they are together? Heero sometimes had a look just like Duo's when I use to speak about him. Naw, it couldn't be, not Heero.

'But that isn't the important part. Well it is important, because I haven't seen Duo in forever, and I was so excited to see him. But he knows where Trowa is!!!!!!! I know! I could barely contain myself when he told me. He said he's with a traveling circus, and now as I write this, I'm on my way to go and find him. Duo did say something strange though. He said that Trowa didn't seem to recognize him at all, and that his 'sister'-whom Trowa never spoke about-made Duo leave. She wouldn't allow him or his friend entrance back into the circus, and he hasn't seen Trowa since. Duo said it's been three days. I hope Trowa's still there. I'm coming Trowa, just hold on.'

Trowa read the pages that spoke of their first meeting, and felt the sadness that had swept though Quatre.

'He didn't recognize me. That's all I can say right now. His sister, was so angry when I tried to explain to Trowa who I was. She wouldn't let menear him. But that isn't the worst. I could feel Trowa's fear as I went to him. He was so scared, afraid I'd hurt him again. No not again, he can't remember me hurting him the first time. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and take him away from that place. But at the same time, he seems safe there. His sister seems to be taking care of him, and won't let him fight. Perhaps I shouldn't be so selfish. Trowa has a second chance, a new start. Something I could never give him. I nearly killed him, what right do I have to try and make his life better? All I want to do is make him happy, that's all. I don't know what I'm going to do.'

'I don't know what happened, but Trowa decided to join us. He's not asking too many questions about his past, and I'm almost grateful, because I'm afraid I'll start crying if I have to answer. He came to me tonight. He knocked on the door, and waited for my call for him to enter. Then he sat down on a chair and didn't say a word. When I asked him if he was all right, he simply said he'd wanted to sit with me. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to know that he'd sought me out. I wanted to confess my sins to him then and there, but I couldn't, I wouldn't do that to him. He's been through too much. So I offered to play my violin for him. There was a weak smile on his face, but he nodded his head, and I got up to retrieve my instrument.

'His face lit when I played. He seemed to remember the music; it was the same thing we played together all those months ago. He closed his eyes, and at one point I was sure I heard him humming along. I touched his emotions, very gently, and he seemed at such peace then, while I played. There wasn't the turmoil that his emotions usually displayed. Just then, he seemed happy to be there, happy to be with me. I know now why I haven't given up, why I haven't ended my life. Trowa, I have to live for him. I'm the one that did this to him, and I'm going to be the one that takes care of him, for the rest of his life. I already know I love him. I realized that a long time ago. But when he was just sitting in my room, with his eyes closed, trusting me, I knew for certain. I'll always protect him, always.'

Quatre shifted in his arms, and Trowa was certain it was because of the
tears that were rolling down his face. His beautiful Quatre had known all along that they'd be together. And yet he'd felt such guilt about it, such pain at knowing he had caused his amnesia. Trowa wished he could erase the guilt he read from Quatre's journal as easily as he could erase it from his beloved's mind. He settled for knowing he would eventually.

'Trowa took the Wing Zero out today. That machine of death, the very thing I'd hoped would perish into nothing, was housing my Trowa. I wanted to fight, wanted to destroy that damned system for good. But it seems that nothing is entirely bad.

'Quite simply a miracle has happened. Trowa took ZERO into battle, and came back out with his memory. The shift was very traumatic for him, and I've done my best to help guide his feelings through the merge. One set of memories to another, it's very painful, but if it keeps some discomfort from Trowa, I'll bear the burden easily.

'He came to me after the flight, and together we went to my quarters. He seems so different than I remember him. But I guess that's to be expected. I haven't seen him, really seen him, in almost a year; add that to the merge his mind is going though, and its completely understandable. His emotions seem different some how, and I sense a strange feeling from him when he looks at me.

'I couldn't stand it any longer, and I begged his forgiveness for everything that I'd done, and even for not telling him the part I played in his amnesia while he couldn't remember. I was on my knees before him, when he got down on the ground with me, and took me into his arms. I can't explain the feelings that ran through me. He told me that there wasn't anything to forgive. He understood what the ZERO had done, and understood what my fathers death must have done as well. I didn't have the courage to tell him that my fathers death meant nothing to me, that he was the only thing that mattered. But to know that in some way, he forgives me, it gives me hope, hope that he could one day come to trust me again. I've missed him so much, longed to hold him so badly. My beautiful Trowa.'

Trowa started at the line about Quatre's father. Could Quatre really have felt nothing about his fathers death, or was it simply easier for him to think that way. Trowa didn't know.

The journal continued through the end of the battle, and spoke of Quatre's joy that the war was finally over.

'It doesn't seem possible that it's finished. All this past year, I've
hoped and prayed for the end of the war, and it seems that it's finally come to pass. I don't know how to describe the feelings that came over me today as that last piece of the battleship was destroyed by Heero. I must have blacked out from the stab wound, but I felt-I know I felt-the entire universe give a sigh of relief. It felt so peaceful, and for a moment, I finally understood. This, this terrible act of war, has finally managed to bring peace, to both the Earth and the colonies. Finally, the war is over.

'I'm so tired now as I write this. I woke up in the hospital again. But
this time Trowa was by my bed. He was sitting in a chair, just looking at me, a small smile on his face when I woke up. I've never been so happy in my life.

'I guess I should say that I was stabbed. It's actually embarrassing after all the fencing lesson's I've taken throughout my life. But Dorothy Catelonia managed to stab me with her foil while we were fighting in the barge. But besides that everything went well. Actually, Trowa saved me. He managed to find me, and helped me out of the room I was in with Catelonia. She is a very sick young woman, I hope she finds a measure of peace now that the war is over.

'But again I digress, Trowa saved me. He had to practically carry me back to Sandrock. I know I should have been worried, but I linked with him, and didn't feel most of the pain from the wound. Later when we were in our Gundams, that's when I had to let the link go; I didn't want to impede his piloting abilities. That's when the pain got bad, but I had more important things to worry about.

'Now that I have time to rest, it feels so wonderful to know that the
missions are over, and I can begin to make up for all of my sins. I know I should be thinking about that right now, but I'd rather think about Trowa. He's still sitting in the chair by my bed, watching me write this. I wonder if I'm blushing? Opps, I laughed and Trowa's looking at me questioningly. I told him I remembered a joke from when Duo had been in.

'Duo, bless his soul, had been true to his word, he found Trowa and I, only a few minutes after I'd woken up, and brought in the champagne. I don't think it's ever tasted as good. I wonder if it's the fact that the war is finally over, or the company in the room? Oh, who am I kidding, it's Trowa. There I go again, laughing, I better stop now, before Trowa thinks I've gone completely insane.'

Trowa put down the volume, it was the last entry. The end of the war had made all of the pilots happy, but he remembered that it seemed to dance in Quatre's eyes. Quatre didn't know, but while he'd been sitting by the bed, Quatre had called to him, saying his name over and over. It was then that Trowa had come to terms with Quatre's feelings for him. He'd been a bit surprised, but not startled. He himself had longed to see Quatre again during the war, to experience the sense of peace the young boy had given to him. He'd known that very day, as he'd sat by Quatre's bed waiting for his angel to awaken, that he would fall in love with him. He needed Quatre, desperately, and now he was happy to read, that Quatre had felt the same.