art-aboutyesterday

What about yesterday?

I used to think of myself as a useless, piece of crap and is doomed to death, doomed to the enemy's claws and never again be cleaned. I was even counting all my sins and said, "Oh no... I'm dead, there's never a way that God will still forgive me..." That was when I wasn't yet a Christian.

I've a confession to make. When I was single and young, I am still quite young though ~smiles~, but I'm talking the earlier years, I used to be a wild, rebellious young lady. As you may know my family background has been shattered to pieces, as mentioned in my article called "Layers of Healing". I have been in deep blindness and wasn't really aware at that time that I am already having a fellowship with demons. Of course when you are young, you think that smoking, drinking, sex are all cool and exciting. Of course when you're young, having took drugs or alcohol is like the "IN" thing.

Of course I had friends in my teenage years, cousins, very closest friends even that are the ones encouraging me to do it since they're also doing it themselves. We thought it was cool! We thought we're better than our other school or classmates we think we're ahead in terms of maturity since we smoke dope and drink beer. I remember one time I went to class with a freakin' hangover and was wearing a black bra under a plain white school top. In our time and specially in our country, people are pretty conservative with the youngsters specially to girls. When you show something fleshy or sexy they'd call you a "slut" (pardon me for the word). My very beautiful friend, Elaine, she used to be my best buddy even till now, went to class one time without having slept for two days due to uppers she took during the weekend slumber parties. We even used to go out almost every night even when there's classes the following day. Perhaps on pubs, bars or sometimes in a friends house spending the night with boys of course.

Tequila, beer, wine are very regular in our nightlife routines. I really think I have had my share of the world, perhaps all the fleshy, disgusting works of the enemy. Drugs, promiscuity, cursing, alcohol, etc. I am not at all judging people who are into this because I myself have been into all these in my earlier years. There were some reasons why I got into this and the thing is, it was my choice to stay and to have gotten out of all this mess, of course with the help of God's grace. I have required so much grace from God to be delivered of all of these just to be healed from all the consequences as a result of these doings.

Another story, which was actually kinda funny "for me", was at some point me and my very good friend Leah back home went to her boyfriend's place to smoke some stone crystals, generically called "methampethamine hydrochloride" which was popularly being melted in an aluminum foil with a tiny pipe. We used to love the effect on these stones it made us so high and more creative. We went home at about 3 AM, I saw a strange and creepy looking man with a big knife on his hands hiding behind the coconut tree beside my Grandma's house trying to kill us or what. We screamed and good thing my Uncle opened the door right away and so we felt safe inside the house. Right after that I went directly to the shower as I felt so warm and damp because of excessive sweating. When we both went to bed, I saw that same man by the window trying to get inside to rob us or somethin' while Leah tries to hit a big black shadow with a pillow since it looked like it's gonna hurt us. It was preposterous! Now I finally know why some people get killed, some jump from the building and some claims to see demons and all that stuff is because of drugs!

The following day my lips was totally red and my eyes black even my friend Leah's! Our eyes as wide as the owls. We literally looked like VAMPIRES or wives of Count Dracula! I could still remember myself tripping the music, using earphones standing along the block in front of my friend's house wearing a very short pants and a collared shirt and haven't slept for days just listening to music. It is actually still clear in my mind.

Although I had never been a worst case and never needed any rehabilitation since God was the One who rehabilitated me. But of course I strongly suggest professional help for people who got addicted or even used drugs for awhile one way or another. I've used drugs for about 3 years, more or less. I had already stopped even before I got married and before I became a Christian, praise God, that was about 13 years ago Drinking and smoking has just eventually stopped in my system about 4 years ago, praise God too!

I realized I had missed so much and had wasted my youth. "Is this really what life was all about?" "Do I have to pay for my parent's mistakes and is this the life I deserved just because my parents do not care where I was and just cared about their own lives?" I asked myself. Is this what I want? Will my life be forever like this? Do I have to put up with this nonsense just because I belong to a broken family? Do I have to always be haunted by my past? God will always be the answer and the best Healer.

I do believe that what you are right now is your choice. What you have achieved and what you have done were results of your decision and choices. I do not want to blame anyone for what I have become. I no longer wish to condemn my parents for their abandonment, because they actually did not abandon me, it was I who abandoned them. It was my choice. It was my choice to go astray and it was my choice to meet satan. It says in the Bible in 1 Peter 1:13, "So think clearly and exercise self control." Of course I know that even young people can practice self control, with the right discipline and guidance from their parents should be the best.

I've gone through a long process in changing what and who I am. Once I kept on kneeling down, pray the rosary and go to church almost everyday going to that holy sacrament and adoration chapel and all that stuff and still feel the wounds aren't at all healed and the dirt haven't been washed from my soul. I kept searching for God, for the forgiveness of these sins. When God finally chose me, since God chooses us and not us who chose Him says in John 15:16, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit–fruit that will last.", I have finally found the right solution to my problem. I was searching and got into the right place in God's heart. I accepted Him as my Lord and savior and repented all my sins and that was it! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" This is incredible.

But of course please do remember that once you got saved, it is not automatic that you'll be healed from all your wounds. The regret and the pain will still somehow manifest in you that's why the Holy Spirit will help you to be cleared from all of these, through God's grace. We still have to be dependent on God so that slowly, He will reveal to us little by little what needs to be changed and what needs to be revealed to you that needs to change, for example our temper, attitude, etc. This won't be an overnight thing. When I became Christian, I stopped smoking but got back to it for years. But now I can say that it will never go back since God has been in control in this aspect. Indeed, without God, life is a mess. We can see a lot of rehabilitated drug addicts go back and forth in these centers and we wonder why. That is because we are nothing without God. Men are weak by nature.

So, is there really a solution to your sins? Yes and yes! Only Jesus is the solution. Even the criminal that was nailed beside Jesus got saved instantly as soon as he repented. I thought of how sinful I was before, but when I think of how Jesus has been mocked, laughed at and scoffed, he actually suffered all these so that He might save us from death's penalty, from the wages of sin. I have stopped condemning myself as Jesus never had condemned me. It is only the enemy who is making us think we are useless and not good enough for Heaven. It is just a matter of choice on who to listen to, Gods words or satan's lies? Again, it's all our choice.

I will always remember this verse when I got saved and healed, "As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance." (1 Peter 1:14). We have to be guarded by God's words everyday as His words are life and not death.

By: Maya Guzman Santos