The other week I felt that my weakness was killing me, my mind especially. I have heard in my mind speaking some really depressing things like, "How are you gonna pay for your daughter's tuition in this final quarter?", "How 'bout the school bus monthly fee?", "Are you gonna transfer Martha to other school already?", "Are you still gonna stay in this company with that pay, my goodness!" Admittedly I listened to these thoughts...
I called up a very close friend, I said, "You know what Chats, I think I'm giving up...I can't take this anymore. It has been years and my life is still depending on miracles, what a petty..." She said, "Are you crazy or what? God isn't allowing these to happen if he knows you couldn't handle it. Come on, Maya, wake up! Who's the one encouraging me to go on too, isn't it you?"
My eyes continued circling and my face got really annoyed, but Chato couldn't see it anyway. I still remember I told her back in 1997, me and my husband has been struggling for financial freedom. It stopped at about year 1999 for about 3 years and now we're back to our old style. Waiting for the stars to fall on us. I was feeling kinda useless at this point. I mean, sometimes I laugh so hard, because my fellow worker in this company feels like I had too much money inside my wallet. They even think I am an upper class woman with a high profile. I really don't know, but even Chato said, good thing you always have this facade like you were the then-first lady of our country, Imelda Marcos or perhaps like the demeanor of Evita Peron. That's your good quality Maya. They don't even know nothing's inside your wallet, because you look like a rich socialite! We laughed into this description.
I realized, God is still making me look so good this time, huh? Don't I look like I only have 20 bucks in my pocket? She said I am not the only person experiencing this difficulties, there are a lot out there in reality. I had to repent to God, I even thought of giving up, go to the province and escape this life... I finally cried over the phone asking why... and Chato was really feeling bad for me already.
After our conversation I said to myself, I am actually giving satan the glory instead of God!!! I woke up and went to the rest room to repent, ask God for forgiveness. I was in tears and said "Lord, forgive me!" "Am I now believing in the enemy instead of You? Am I now saying that You are a liar? I'm sorry that I let Your angels stopped doing the things for me because I doubted You... I'm so sorry my Lord, I might have forgotten all your promises for me. I know I am strong because of You and therefore, I won't give up, You are too big for these trials!"
The thing is, I thought, why am I dwelling on these useless things, though we all need them sometimes to strengthen our faith says in James 1:2, why do I keep on murmuring and complaining? Haven't I thought what God has given me this past year? He has actually given me the Victory! Victory isn't about getting only a trophy or a plaque, it's about experiencing God's love through difficult times. It's about knowing God is there to carry you through these thorns. He did not die on the cross for us to still suffer and pay for the wages of our sin. Suffer means hell. We don't need to go to hell because of sin for He has paid for that already. I don't need to suffer sickness and live in the world believing all the lies of the enemy.
In fact, God has been so good to me and my family in the past year. Imagine not having to go to the hospital because of any illness, even coughs or a simple running nose. My children hardly even have to suffer these illnesses even if they say that, "Dengue fever" is the ongoing epidemic right now in the country. Why should I believe that? Jesus has suffered enough on the cross so that we will be healed! He is our greatest Doctor, our healer. Isaiah 53:5 says, "... and with His stripes we were healed." (KJV) That gives us as satan to be the father of all lies says in John 8:44, when we believe that this sickness is just but natural, this is a lie!
I finally understood, am I just gonna worship God for all the good things He does for me and my family? Do I forget all about Him amidst all the trials and problems? Even Job did not give up the bible says. His trials are way too great compared to mine. Things happened to me even from the past were just minor compared to Job's, Moses', Joseph's and even David's. These people are great real characters who served the Lord with all their heart and life. I even wonder, "Will I be ever like one of them?" "Am I so ambitious feeling that I can be like the prophet Elisha or St. Paul???" Not really. If you believe and have true faith in Him. That's the advantage of being with God, to be able to walk by faith and not by sight. To be able to enforce on what God really wants us to have. Nothing is too difficult with God. We must ask God for us to function in this authority, says one of our great Pastors in our church.
God is good indeed. Simple things like having a vacation with my family in the beach or eating out with them, hanging out with loved ones are already a miracle and a blessing in my life. Great contentment is felt with these things unlike having no contentment at all and still looking for more and not feeling happy at all. This is not God's will, although God didn't say that we should be contented in having nothing, but learn to feel gratitude even with small things.
I also realized just recently. Whatever is happening in my life right now, God is there to save me because He loves me... He loves my family. He made a sacred covenant with my ascendants, Abraham and the rest. God said in Isaiah 61:7, "7Instead of shame and dishonor, you will inherit a double portion of prosperity and everlasting joy." This scripture sounds too good to be true. But the Bible is true and the Word of God shall stand forever.
That day, I have made a poem right after I repented to God about this temptation that I have yielded. It is called "Poem of my Faith". One of my sisters in Christ even remarked that she has perceived me to be strong and that she knows what I am also going through. The thing is, why dwell on this, well in fact God has clear plans and vision for me and my family anyway? Do you mean these visions are all lies? I said, "Okay Sis, I know. Our God of course is not a liar. I was the one who believed it to be a lie since I listened to a liar!
Why listen to lies when you can just listen to God's promises? The bible says in Matthew 24:35, "35Heaven and earth will disappear, but my words will remain forever."
By: Maya Guzman Santos
