The alarm buzzes angrily in Xander's ear. Blech, he'd forgotten to reset it. He slams a fist down on the snooze button and turns to curl around his vampire, having no reason to go out this morning.
But Spike's not there. Xander jolts awake for a moment, eyes desperately searching for the vampire. But then he relaxes, remembering his unwarranted panic from the night before. He figures Spike's just in the kitchen or picking up a pack of smokes at the 24 hour gas station across the street before sunrise.
Xander stretches lazily. It's nice not to have to worry about Spike killing himself, but Xander knows something's still wrong. Last night was... weird. He resolves to talk to Spike about it when the vampire comes back.
Xander snuggles into the warm pillows, reluctant to get up before Spike returns. In his mind, Xander had imagined waking up next to the vampire and calling in sick so he could stay in bed and cuddle Spike. Thinks that could still happen; he'll pretend to be asleep when his boyfriend gets home, and Spike will slink back into bed to hold him.
The alarm goes off again and Xander smacks the snooze button, realizes sharply that he must have fallen back asleep. Sits up, about to run out of the apartment, not wanting a replay of yesterday morning... then remembers again. Everything's all right. Spike agreed, at least for today, not to try to kill himself. Xander smiles contentedly and goes back to sleep.
This time when the alarm goes off, Xander seriously contemplates turning it off completely instead of hitting snooze, but knows if he does he'll sleep too late and miss work. Inspired, he grins to himself, hits the off button, and calls in to the site, leaving a message for his boss that he needs another day, but he'll be back after the weekend.
Xander lays back down, happy grin firmly fixed to his face. He can't help it; everything in his life is falling into place. He does glance at the clock nervously, but then immediately scolds himself. Spike promised-- he'll be back well before sunrise. Xander's eyes drift shut lazily, and he's soon asleep.
Wakes up a few hours later, frowns, and finally gets out of bed. He grabs clean boxers out of the drawer and puts them on before making his way to the bathroom.
Xander's pretty confused now, wondering if he did something wrong last night and that's why Spike's avoiding him.
He stumbles groggily into the kitchen-- sleeping in always makes him sleepier.
"Spike?" He calls out, but it's clear Xander's the only one home.
Trying to get a handle on his sudden panic, an instantly alert Xander rushes back into the bedroom. Would Spike leave him? Take off while Xander was asleep and go God-only-knows-where?
No, Spike's clothes are all still there, his books and weapons scattered haphazardly as always.
Xander slumps down on the bed, taking a few calming breaths. There has to be a logical explanation for why Spike's not in the apartment even though sunrise was hours ago. And that explanation hasn't got a damn thing to do with...
There's a note on his pillow. Xander picks it up curiously, silently berating himself for not seeing it earlier. He unfolds the piece of paper, relieved to recognize Spike's delicate handwriting.
He reads:
Xander,
I am sorry, love, but I cannot keep my promise. I really wanted to be strong for you, but I think this is the best way to do that. You must understand, none of this is your fault. Last night was lovely. I really do not deserve you. I admit though, I was not ready.
Do not come after me. You know I cannot refuse you, and I want to do this right. One last time, I will greet the dawn.
Take care,
Spike
Xander reads it again just to make sure he's not misunderstanding. Goes so still he feels like even his heart's stopped beating.
After a few minutes, the shock fades a little and Xander takes a few deep, scratchy breaths. He tries to be calm as he stands up, walking slowly to the curtains, knowing what he'll find, but hoping, hoping.
He can barely make his hand push the thick cloth aside, but he does because he has to see. And there it is-- the day, bright and beautiful. The sky is nearly cloudless, the sun high up already as noon swiftly approaches.
Xander stumbles backward, flinching at the light, and falls to his knees. He can't move any more, his breathing is erratic and he needs to cry, but he can't, can't let himself. This is all his fault. He was *awake* and he just went back to sleep. He could have saved Spike, but he just went back to sleep.
He went to sleep.
Christ, he has the whole rest of his life to sleep, and today he just kept pressing that snooze button.
He just went back to sleep.
Xander closes his eyes, but the light is harsh against his eyelids and he sees red, shapeless swirls instead of the darkness he wants. His mind conjures for him the image of Spike's face yesterday when he was late-- how hurt the vampire had been-- and suddenly Xander is sure that he did fix his clock. Spike must have turned it back. This was all some kind of test. The ultimate test.
But Xander failed and Spike is dead because Xander couldn't get his useless ass out of bed.
He curls up on the floor, shuddering violently, but not crying, not deserving the release.