Date: Wed Jul 3, 2002 5:06 am
Subject: OT: I AM IN HELL
No, really, this is hell. It's called Boston. Ick. It's like a
bazzillion degrees here, and it's four in the morning, and I thought
it was supposed to *cool down* at night. Ahhh! I'm melting! Whose
idea was it to let me go to summer school? I'm sitting in an east facing
dorm room in a women's college and I'm in hell. I vaguely remember
what men look like, vaguely remember air conditioning....
The shift key on my laptop is dying. It just won't work sometimes. I
have to rewrite my capitals a couple of times before they show up as
capitals.
Did I mention the humidity? It's fucking *wet* here; like the world is
sweating, and the sidewalks reek of it.
I'm actually resending this email, the first time, I sent it to m-mslashaholics@yahoo.com, which didn't do me a damn lot a good, I gotta tell you. That above is what I recovered. Hmm, what else was there? Oh yeah:
I decided to quit smoking yesterday. Why? Because I am an idiot. I've been smoking since friggin' 8th grade, I should stop now?
And I'm bored.
And it's so damn HOT. Much too hot to wear any kind of clothes, even the lightlight dress thing I've got on because I don't have the guts to wander around my dorm room naked.
By the way, I'm the last human being in the whole world. Every one else is either dead or sleeping, I don't know, but really, it's all the same to me.
Oh, I know I could entertain myself by writing the next bit of GHL, and that would make some people happy, but I'm much more in the mood for a good humidity fic. I wanna write all about hell, and what it's like here.
Of course, we've no men, so right off I'll have to change that around. Maybe there's no women instead. It's all men. And it's still too hot for any sane person to be wearing clothes. I guess some nasty she-demon openned a portal to hell that only sucked in the male population of the world. Somewhere in Sunnydale/LA Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Anya, Cordelia, and Fred are frantically trying to rescue everyone.
But meanwhile, Xander's in hell, and it's *hot*, and his clothes are heavy and wet against his skin, so he just peels out of them, recognizing hell when he sees it, and not really caring if anyone down here sees him.
All the other men of the world are down in hell too, and a lot of them have the same idea as Xander.
But there's only one excuse to be as sweaty as they all are, and there's no women around at all.
Maybe Xander runs into a handsome blue-eyed stranger who's shed his clothes too, and all identity with them. Xander's feeling pretty liberated-- nothing about him to label him to passing strangers as anything except *man,* and that's just fine by Xander.
He sees this stranger and the guy's got the same glint in his eye-- glorious, undeserved anonynimity. You don't have to be yourself when nobody knows who you are.
But there's still only one excuse to be this sweaty, and there's still no women around. And Xander's looking all kinds of fuckable to this anonymous Lindsey-shaped-stranger guy. And the want in the stranger's eyes is so clear... Xander's never seen anybody want him like that, and right now Xander's body is just on display, glistening and hard, and he feels like he has nothing to offer and no place to hide. Doesn't wanna hide. Mostly just wants to taste this stranger-
Or maybe it's not Lindsey. Maybe it's Angel, who'd still be wearing wool slacks, an undershirt, a tasteful sweater, and a dark, sweeping duster. He can't feel the heat anyway.
Xander feels like he's melting, and he spots Angel in this sea of confused, recently-sucked-into-hell people. But Angel's relatively calm, after all, it's not like this is his first time down here.
Xander begs Angel for help, wants to wrap himself up in that cool vampire skin, but Angel's a little hesitant. Xander drops to his knees, face open and wet and needing Angel desperately. And god, seeing Xander from this angle puts Angel's loathing of the guy in a whole new perspective, and suddenly Angel's feeling very charitable. Takes off the duster and-
Or maybe it's Spike. He doesn't have a soul; that was just a notfunny joke from the mean demon as he took Spike's chip away. And Spike's a little cranky about being in hell at first-- C'mon, he just got his bite back. And he doesn't feel hot at all, but he sees all the humans around him stripping and decides to go with it; had recently resolved to get with modern fashions, after all.
Up ahead of him he sees Xander, dark eyes find Spike too, and they just stare, a little shocked at the sight of each other. Neither had really thought of the other *that* way-- well okay, Xander may have had a few confusing fantasies after that time he walked in on Spike doing his 'exercises'... And Xander snickers just as Spike reaches him.
The vampire smirks at that, thinks it's time to teach this boy a few things. 'Cause William the effin' bloody is back!
Only, Xander's feeling pretty compliant, wants to press against the cool body in front of him, wants to sink into Spike so badly. The malicious glee on the vamp's face barely registers as Xander reaches for the blond and-
Or what if Spike sees Xander kneeling in front of Angel. The dark-haired vampire's taking his coat off, and Spike's unexplicably outraged because that sweat-sheened man who is on his *knees*, gazing up so impatiently at Angel, is the only one in this whole throng of men that Spike wants.
So the blond vamp storms over to the two other men. Glares menacingly at Angel as he pulls Xander up from behind. Yanks the hot, wet body against him, and Xander exclaims, "Hey, and Ow, and oh shit..." As he realizes quickly that Spike's got him in his arms, and the vamp's got his bite back now... But Xander figures, hey, this is hell, he'll just sort of roll with it. Also: he's finally wrapped in cool arms, and that's so good that Xander presses back against Spike, feels the smaller vampire's erection jutting into his backside, is decidedly *not* bothered by it.
But when Xander looks up at Angel again, the vampire's eyes are flaring in jealousy.
Angel can smell Xander's arousal, see evidence of it right in front of him, and Angel wants that. How dare Spike think he can just snatch Xander away? Angel tears the sweater off, approaches the pair in front of him. Wraps bare arms around Xander, and the boy happily sinks into Angel's cool bare chest. But as Angel's arms go around Xander, they brush Spike, who doesn't seem all that bothered actually-
Ooo, or maybe Xander and Lindsey are about to be mid-grope when a souled Spike and souled Angel come upon them. The vampires decide to take pity on the two over-heated men, and the vamps quickly strip down so they can more easily offer their cool bodies to the hot brunettes. At first Xan and Linds are pretty cranky about being interrupted when they were so close to getting laid, but then they notice the two beautiful bodies being laid bare for them. Xander looking back and forth between the two vamps he's always despised, but all he sees now is how gorgeous they are, and he can't decide which one he wants. Lindsey definitely wants Angel, but he sees the look on Xander's face and, taking pity, leans in to whisper, "We'll share." Lindsey gets an eyeful of Spike and decides this is definitely gonna be no hardship-
Oh, but just as the guys all get into a good position, everyone's hands where they want them and all, Buffy and the girls figure out how to undo the spell, and everyone is sucked back out of hell and onto the sweet, cool Earth.
And worldwide, pissed off men shake their fists and curse the slayer-
Or no. Forget that. Buffy's totally at a loss on how to deal in a world without men. But meanwhile, in hell, Riley-
Or no, Giles-
Oh, or Graham-
Or Gunn-
Or Wesley-
Or Wesley *and* Gunn, rolling over each other in frustration as each tries to get the upper hand, and Spike, standing above them, says-
Oh, or what if, um, is somebody gonna write this for me?
Huh? Hot, humid fic. That's all I ask for. The rest is optional. Just need a fic where there's no escape from the humidity.
Please?