January has come and gone, and I am sorry for not updating more. Things have gotten busy again for me and finding time for my site is getting increasingly hard. Anyhow! Sasha, hmmm what can I say? I was looking over the old journals for her and it made me pause to see that she was diagnosed back in June 2001 and yet she is STILL hanging about, right now she is curled up on the bed behind me taking her morning nap on her special blanket. Things have been carrying on much as the past few months. But there is a definitely different feel to things. Where as before I worried and wondered about when it would be her time, now it's more of a saddness settling in my bones and heart that her time is coming very soon. Her breathing you can hear at night now and it is very labored or she will wimper and gurgle a bit in her sleep. Her one large tumor is steadily filling up and magically disappearing so I have no doubt it is leaking freely when I am not about to check and Sasha laps it all up. Part of me begins to wonder if she also knows what is coming and so is attempting to hide this from me. She is so loving and playful and affectionate once again, she's still forsaken her hiding in the closet and is back to trailing me all over the place demanding my undivided attention. Her eating is still voracious and to the casual visitor she doesn't look like a Kit that is dying of mammary cancer at all. But I know, and I can see the signs are worsening. I say this a lot in my journals and yet she still hangs on but it seems to me that it is winding down. Her brave fighting cannot last forever and while I am grateful for the extended time she has fought I cannot help but be selfish and wish she'd last 'just a lil longer'. As I watch her lay it's crystal clear her belly is now bothering her and when I held her today for her morning check and cuddle I know in my heart she has maybe another month perhaps two since she surprises me constantly with her vigor but it's about time. Strange to me to know February is knocking on the door since this is the month I often suffer the most lost. My Kit Cleo passed in February and aside from her I've lost family members this month so it has become a doom and gloom month for me (not one to enjoy a bday let me tell ya!) and I wouldn't be surprised if this was the month that I had to take Sasha in and ease her way.
My friends that have pets in the memorial area often tell me it is their love that keeps them hanging on and it is a beautiful thought. I also am asked what I do with her since the other two kit's new to the memorials both had mammary cancer and did not last as long as Sasha is and the only difference I can see is that after her first diagnosis and one brief visit months later to get her a shot for her neck scratch I have not had her in for any mammary stuff. I refused all treatment options to prolong her life and chose to let nature -such evilness as it is- it take it's course with her and I begin to wonder if attempting treatment does not help but hinder their time whatever the vets may say since Sasha who has never had any removal surgeries is still romping about. It is food for thought for those of you who find yourself in this horrid position.
I keep waiting hoping she will pass at home, and I do not to this maliciously (at least not to my mind) since she is still acting 85% healthy. I see her in pain from time to time and then when she notices the little shit will dash off and return with her prized golden string to play (almost like she's trying to convince me I didn't see what I thought I did) so the vet's words still echo in my head- to wait until she stops eating, to wait until she exhibits undeniable pain and suffering and until then spoiler her ass rotton and give her the most love you can...
January 31, 2003 ~Kit~ |
