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| January 2004 |
| Sasha is still being her playful self as you can see from the snaps I put in this entry. You can also see her belly and get an idea of just how much those tumors push out. Some of them leak freely with clear non scented liquid any time you hold her or she jumps on things. She still doesn't act like it pains her (and we know how good kits are at hiding this stuff) and her eating habits are the same. I do notice it's getting harder for her to make the jumps up to the bed or the furniture but, when I am thinking it's too much and contemplating on putting something like a box or chair to help her she goes and leaps about having fun. There is just no telling with this kit of mine. When I feel her belly though it does tend to bring tears because it just feels so damn awful I cannot fathom how she even walks around. And I still keep the internal debate on whether or not I am doing her a kindness by letting her live like this. I guess I just cannot help it. If she wouldn't eat, if her bathroom habits changed, if she just lay about in misery- those things would be the time for her I think. That she eats like a cow, plays like a demonic thing, and is just my little loving, affectionate gal -these things stop me every time I ponder taking her in to be put down. There is just no good way to go about things in this situation. I love her and I know how much lil Crystal loves her and I'm trying not to be selfish for her sake but honestly, I keep looking for the symptoms and the changes and I'm not finding them like I would expect to. Even the vet is in shock at this longevity of hers and I refuse to take her in for a check up. Sasha is mortally afraid of the vet office after that initial biopsy and I will not put her through that until I absolutely must. Nothing the vet could say or do would matter. All that matters is my love for her and her apparent love to be here and keep fighting. I do admit those tumors leaking worry me. When I hear her sleeping and she breathes so heavy, I do worry. There have been many times I heard her making some odd sound and I fly out to check on her and she is just playing. I'm getting so worn from this whole thing it's hard to explain. I daresay her cancer is harder on me than it is on her- after all I am the worry wart, the sleepless mom who constantly watches her baby deteriorate and yet her, hell she sleeps and plays and eats with abandon. The reality is near though, her belly is just so horrid, all you feel is those damn tumors and when I hold her I have wetness on my arms from them (for all she just purrs and snuggles up with me)- so even I know this amazing fight of hers is coming to a conclusion. I would be suprised if I wasn't moving her to the memorial area by summer. Though if I had my wish, Sasha would be passing at home and only after I magically move to Cali and got a picture of her on a wonderful chenille chaise that I could frame in honor of her battle :) 1/23/04 Webmistress Kit |